amour princesse's blog

Journeys

toprincecharles — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 07:17:08 UT

19 February 2009, 0110h (Singapore time), 2000 miles from Brisbane (3200km), 11277m above sea level, 881km/h, Aboard QF52, Seat 31K

I’m about halfway now between Singapore and Brisbane, 2000 miles from my dream either way, getting closer, closer, to one yet further, further, from the other.

It has always been my dream for this day, this moment, to come, and against all odds it has finally arrived; against all obstacles and roadblocks, it is finally here…

My journal entry from 28 December 2008 went:

‘…I can see myself applying for the student visa. I can see myself going for the health checkup and clearing it. I can see all the arrangements being made nicely. I can see myself ORD-ing in peace. I can see myself packing my things. I can see myself heading down to Changi Airport on the 18th of February 2009 to fly with my parents, Yuling and Candice. I can see my closer friends coming to see me off. I can see myself hugging and kissing Zhinian goodbye. I can see myself boarding the plane, for a good flight to Brisbane. I can see myself getting a ride to 5/52 Warren St. with the rest. I can see myself settling in, exploring the city, playing host to Darius. I can see myself doing well in school, making many lifelong friends, having no financial difficulties, and ultimately scoring a first class law degree.

I can see all that, and I claim all that I see, all of the above, in Jesus’ most mighty name. I loose all of these in heaven, holding to the promise that they will be loosed on earth too. I hold on to Your vision given to me, for I know that with God, all things are possible. And I believe, I know, that God, You will make a way, and be the light that dispels the darkness in my life.

This is my prayer for tonight. Thank you God.’

It’s so amazing how things turned out, how God works. Back then things were so uncertain; all I held on to was a mustard seed of faith, of hope, now, this is reality. It is coming to pass and God, I’ve you to thank for it. I thank my mum too, and God, for working Your way about her, and through my circumstances… Let this entry stand as a constant reminder to me over the next 4 years of Your miracle, Your provision, Your grace, Your love.

Thank You God; may I do You proud.

The girl of my dreams, Zhinian; so much has happened since back then and now I’m sitting here with a ring on my finger, holding a card from you, and missing you so… Missing your touch, missing your voice, missing your empathy, missing having you beside me, missing your love… But no, I’m not really missing your love, because I know it’s stronger than ever; I can feel it so strongly. Far apart but not in heart; we will look back one day at this phase of our relationship and laugh at how we managed to conquer it. The both of us will be strong, and will make the most to learn and to grow in this time. We will communicate, we will develop spiritually, and we’ll experience first hand how love transcends boundaries, distance, how love never fails.

I love you Zhinian; we’ve shared so much, let us share our lives too.

We’ll make it good. I promise.

0545h (Brisbane time), ~500 miles from Brisbane

Flying into the dawn; it’s breathtaking. The fiery flames of the sun pierce through the night like nothing else can, bringing a promise of hope, a promise of light. Zhinian, how I’d love to share this majestic moment with you... It’s beautiful, flying into the dawn.

2218h, 5/52 Warren St.

God says, ‘you will work out, if you will work out.’

17101988

toprincecharles — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 13:34:55 UT

i forgotten your birthday momentarily. gosh. i'm sorry!

so much has happened. your loan, my teaching. our bro darren, our r/ship.

no more breakups with me? you sure about that?

i haven't given you any red letters yet just because you pissed me off. hmm...

is it gonna be over? we over, storm over or everything over?

gee. hate change.

change is the only constant; virtue is ignorance tested.

it means a lot to me, these two lines, because you changed my perspective of it and of you after you shared.

kill me. please.

countdown

toprincecharles — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 02:01:14 UT

i'm starting to be aware of the day you're ORD-ing.

awww man... secretly i wish you'll stay in the army for one more year.

nah. i'm just kidding. you should ORD!

should i really play placebo and get excited about your departure? seriously. undiluted...

A heart that beats with mine

toprincecharles — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:08:20 UT

17 December 2008, ~1am

The night is cold
nd the chill numbs
I stare out the window
at the park where we once sat

Pretence?
Or folly?
Or neither,
or so much more...

The wind ceases
and I wonder
Does time stop now?

And then it teases
and I ponder
What does tomorrow hold?

In the orange glow of a streetlamp
I long
for a heart
that beats with mine...

A friend comes up
alongside and
looks out with me

He shares of his mum's passing
of strength and
of God

And of the simple
yet complex
beauty of trees

Beauty quietly majestic
in the stoic oppression of
a military camp...

A silence of understanding
of reflection
of a heart
going out to another...

I feel slightly warmer
but still something
or nothing
chills...

Offence is indeed
the cause of war
And war
war never changes

I question why?
And I sigh...

The night is cold
and the chill numbs
and I still long
for a heart that

beats so

with mine.

THAT NIGHT~25 November 2008

toprincecharles — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 03:46:34 UT

26 November 2008
Post-Account of THAT NIGHT

Charles, here's to you...

That night
Where everything seem so bleak
Where I lost hope in you, in me and in us
Where I struggle to let you know how I feel
Where I see you hiding your innermost you

You held my hand tight
Yet the distance between seemed like miles away
I no longer understand what you’re facing
Nor do I know what made me into who I am

I feel thorns around you
Daggers thrown at me
Bullets piercing through me
Could it be that it all ends here?

I got ready my arms, ready to fight
Somehow, I hesitated
I can’t bear to, like how I treat everyone else
It’s my fault, I admitted
Somehow, the ice melted slightly
We seem closer, feel warmer

You sat me down to talk
First question fired was
“What do you fear, before and now?”
At that moment, I really wanted you to disappear

My mind blanked out
Felt hot blood gushing through my brain
Somehow, things started to surface
And very slowly, more and more I feel, pain

The unexpected
Getting hurt
Doubting myself
Hurting people
Losing you
These overwhelms me, and takes my life away

I’m stronger than what you think
I bury my hurts and pasts
Corpses, skeletons, crosses I was crucified on
They wired up a fraction of me

The rain comes as the mood intensifies
We sought shelter
That moment, I really thank God you were around
You were just right beside me

Go on, you said
As I continued
Emotions crept up my sleeves
Into the heart of stone
Colder than the ice cubes you knew

Pretentious, unfulfilled expectations
Real me surfacing as I share
I’m too tired to live, to run
To give it my all and bless

No one can replace my call
No one can impact the potential people I’ll touch
Could it be
This is the reason
Why I went through the perfect storm?

Anyone I haven’t forgiven
You prompted, in great distress
Yes, yours truly
That I suggest

Why did I choose the path I’d walked
Not that I was coerced into it
I walked right into it, disillusioned
For the love that was sat before me, all pretense

You whispered in the midst of my small pauses
Go on, go on
As the shovel cuts deeper
Revealing the blood once was there, now dried

Can I pray for you, that you suggested
I nodded, still cringing in pain
Dear Lord, help her forget the past
Deliver her from all the hurts that has happened
It finally ended, visions and all
I sat there, teary-eyed
You offered the warmest coffee in the bitterest frost
Your hug

Never had I cried so much,
Not in front of anyone, anyway
I felt the new wounds hurting so badly
I felt so drained
Pain, as the stitching of the raw wounds continue

That moment, sacred
When all of a sudden, the ice fully melted
Evaporates into the air, stopping at an arc in the sky
The rainbow’s appearing, again

You walked me home
Held me tightly
And then, there was no more distance
I was, at moment, right beside you, again…

forgiveness

toprincecharles — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:55:52 UT

i came across a few pages today, and decided to put it all here, because it seem so meaningful...

Forgiveness

(Psalms 32:1 KJV) <A Psalm of David, Maschil.> Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
(Psalms 32:2 KJV) Blessed is the man unto whom the LORD imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.
(Psalms 32:3 KJV) When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.
(Psalms 32:4 KJV) For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah.
(Psalms 32:5 KJV) I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.
(Psalms 32:6 KJV) For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.

(Psalms 51:1 KJV) <To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.> Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
(Psalms 51:2 KJV) Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
(Psalms 51:3 KJV) For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
(Psalms 51:4 KJV) Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

(Psalms 51:7 KJV) Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
(Psalms 51:8 KJV) Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
(Psalms 51:9 KJV) Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
(Psalms 51:10 KJV) Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
(Psalms 51:11 KJV) Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
(Psalms 51:12 KJV) Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

(Psalms 86:5 KJV) For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee.

(Psalms 103:11 KJV) For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
(Psalms 103:12 KJV) As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

(Matthew 6:14 KJV) For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
(Matthew 6:15 KJV) But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

(Matthew 18:21 KJV) Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
(Matthew 18:22 KJV) Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

(Ephesians 4:32 KJV) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

(Colossians 2:13 KJV) And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses;
(Colossians 2:14 KJV) Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross;

(1 John 1:9 KJV) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

http://www.bibleversesite.com/

and here's something else i'll like you to see... rather cool i'd say...a version from the message bible that i really love...

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3 -7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8 -10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

here's another version that's more elaborate...

1 Corinthians 13
1IF I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such [a]as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

3Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy ([d]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

9For our knowledge is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect), and our prophecy (our teaching) is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect).

10But when the complete and perfect (total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become antiquated, void, and superseded).

11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.

12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and understood [[h]by God].

13And so faith, hope, love abide [faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthiens 13 (La Bible du Semeur)
La Bible du Semeur (BDS)

1 Corinthiens 13
L'amour
1 En effet, supposons que je parle les langues des hommes et même celles des *anges: si je n'ai pas l'amour, je ne suis rien de plus qu'une trompette claironnante ou une cymbale bruyante[a].
2 Supposons que j'aie le don de *prophétie, que je comprenne tous les mystères et que je possède toute la connaissance; supposons même que j'aie, dans toute sa plénitude, la foi qui peut transporter les montagnes: si je n'ai pas l'amour, je ne suis rien.
3 Si même je sacrifiais tous mes biens, et jusqu'à ma vie, pour aider les autres, au point de pouvoir m'en vanter, si je n'ai pas l'amour, cela ne me sert de rien.
4 L'amour est patient, il est plein de bonté, l'amour. Il n'est pas envieux, il ne cherche pas à se faire valoir, il ne s'enfle pas d'orgueil.
5 Il ne fait rien d'inconvenant. Il ne cherche pas son propre intérêt, il ne s'aigrit pas contre les autres, il netrame pas le mal.
6 L'injustice l'attriste, la vérité le réjouit.
7 En toute occasion, il pardonne, il fait confiance, il espère, il persévère.
8 L'amour n'aura pas de fin. Les *prophéties cesseront, les langues inconnues prendront fin, et la connaissance particulière cessera.
9 Notre connaissance est partielle, et partielles sont nos *prophéties.
10 Mais le jour où la perfection apparaîtra, ce qui est partiel cessera.
11 Lorsque j'étais enfant, je parlais comme un enfant, je pensais et je raisonnais en enfant. Une fois devenu homme, je me suis défait de ce qui est propre à l'enfant.
12 Aujourd'hui, certes, nous ne voyons que d'une manière indirecte[d], comme dans un miroir. Alors, nous verrons directement. Dans le temps présent, je connais d'une manière partielle, mais alors je connaîtrai comme Dieu me connaît.
13 En somme, trois choses demeurent: la foi, l'espérance et l'amour, mais la plus grande d'entre elles, c'est l'amour.

i like to be caught unaware...

toprincecharles — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 09:19:41 UT

hmm... how profound can this be?

i actually really like to be caught unaware. reasons were many when i didn't want you coming down to jurong today... needed to study, thought you should have more time to yourself to do stuff, and yea, we're meeting tomorrow...

i don't wanna have the hope of you coming down and you not turning up too. it's slightly distracting when i'm expecting something to happen and it doesn't.

but hey! after 20th NOV i'll mug no more. perhaps you may like to catch me unaware if you like. lol. and so i take back my words that sometimes unaware ain't a good thing, because IT ALWAYS IS.

at least, more often than not, with you around, it is. miss you dear. had been so tired the entire day. online now for the HUMAN GENOME PROJECT and GENETIC ENGINEERING ethical issues. gonna be at mac soon, to study.

slacker for today
NIANZ

i owe you all these... things you didn't know... or did you

toprincecharles — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:29:04 UT

21st September 2008, Sunday

Today has been one of the most eventful day so to speak, one of so much horror, unexpected, pain, loneliness and helplessness. Sitting in from the laptop, staring blankly, at the brink of tears, it scares me when I think about everything that happened. I feel small, I feel useless, I feel lousy.

I skipped school on Friday because I was really tired from doing chorus board. I woke up late and decided that I’ll fail to get to school on time, and thus forwent my trip to school. There were only one Biology lesson with Ms Wun, so there weren’t really any point rushing to school.

I smsed Huiwen, and from then I felt so distant from her. It dawned upon me like she could no longer relate to me, no longer trust me, and no longer regard me as her friend. I felt hurt, betrayed and misunderstood. I spent the entire day sleeping and sleeping, wishing never to be awaken from the slumber and be the forever sleeping beauty of my world. So tired of life, so tired.

In parallel, I felt overwhelming guilt too. I hadn’t been studying. Sigh. My A levels are coming and yet I’m still not studying as I should. Why so, I wonder. Could it be Charles, complacency, or something else?

Friday I spend trying to consolidate everything about youthem. Took me so long, couldn’t find a friend too. I binged too, and reminiscence of guilt trickled in, little by little.

Finally had heard from Charles about his outfield trip, how he suspect getting foot rot and stuff. He was tired, and I told him to pray and shower before calling me. It took so long, I fell asleep at 2pm.

Saturday came. I got the stuff for the hamper, and went for service. Alas, Wendy had forgotten to bring the hamper stuff. Somehow I expected it, somehow I was a little disappointed. Sigh.

I went service, and Suresh came. Charles came too. Missed him, yet didn’t want my feelings to manifest. He sat at the row behind me, beside Suresh. I gave him a box of Choco Baby, and told him some centres contain stars, some smiley faces. He offered me some, offered the whole world some, and ate happily. Whenever he chanced upon the ones with stars, he’d tap on my shoulder and pass it to me. Sweet were those moments.

The one and only smiley face in the entire box, he gave it to me… during service…

Supposed to celebrate Zoe’s birthday but she was running a high fever. Done away with that.

Suresh and I went home and the rest fellowshipped at Subway.

Had a good chat with Suresh. Sheryne replied my SMS and I jioed her out to study whole night. Set.

I had my dinner and went to Mac to study. Just broke my fast then.

Stayed throughout the night over at Mac. There was a flasher that targeted us, and wanted his private part exposed in his boxers. He kept rubbing it, kept staring at it, and kept opening his legs wide apart hoping we’ll see. Thank God we didn’t. We kept talking to each other.

Charles called and put down. Said he wasn’t tired and immediately after putting down he fell asleep. Hmmm…

I was quite hostile to him because I wanted him to sleep. And he was rather upset I could tell.

Stayed till 6 in the morning, hear her talk about Lixin and God. So much she said. Left me in silent sobbings and tears blinked away.

I came back home, prayed and slept for 1hour. Started on my POP work at 7.45am.

10am Terence SMS me that he can finally send me the slides. Hmmm… It was a bit too late, I said, and he was half happy about it. That was the first problem. A series followed.

Peien couldn’t send me the slides on time. That’s bad. We had so much things unsettled. We didn’t tell the models what time to meet. We told the members to come at a wrong time. Sigh.

I was supposed to meet Wendy at 12.45pm. Told her I’d be late because I haven’t bought the wrapping paper. Carried all the stuff myself to Riverwalk. Drinks 4kg, Laptop 4kg. Bag 1kg. basket 1kg.

Went there, everyone was late. Met Royston at Outram Park. He helped me carry the stuff.

And yea, I borrowed the Swiss Army Knife from Kelvin to cut open some scotch tape. Got a deep cut, so deep blood spurted out. So deep, I felt faint. So deep, the blood dripped onto my legs. The next moment, Maria was attending to me. Gave me tissue and all. Debbie and Kelvin were so worried. Everyone else too. Sigh. How I wish Charles was there. I really wanted to cry lor. Anyway, they gave me plaster and all. Felt much better.

My feet had cramp and were out of control because of my cut. Sigh. Major nerve injured. Spasm and all. I almost fainted.

Chorus board went haywire. My laptop couldn’t configure. Fonts all couldn’t use. The list I had was crap too. Terence added some slides. Everything went haywire. Leo tripped over the wire, and the entire crowd jeered. Sigh. From there the whole chorus board screwed up. I felt so crap. So crap.

Following that Darren came. He passed me his laptop. I was supposed to do lots of stuff, to help him and all. But at least I did well. Haha. My saving grace was in that I told Phoebe some valuable information and our cell group won the most creative make-over competition.

I cried. Was so upset with my performance. Hamper I took nothing except Baby Star and pocky. Japan Pocky rocks!

It’s been a bad day. Carried so much stuff, feel like I became stupider cuz of the cut and am in pain. Didn’t sleep enough too.

Charles, sometimes you just don’t understand. Sigh.

Regards
ZHINIAN
19:59
21st September 2008

12 October 2008

You left.

I shall start from today since it’ll take me forever to narrate every single detail of our time spent together. It’s been a really good day, really. Woke up, met up with Jamie, and left for sentosa. I’d been excited about you leaving to conquer new grounds, and I was waiting, waiting for your call. Patiently, longingly, excitedly.

I brought the solid fuel along. 14 packs, what you’d passed to me at Dhoby Ghaut. Went plaza singapura after that to shop at Carrefour remember? Cheese cake, cream cheese, cookies… Lots of jumping around, lots of secret gazes, lots of laughter and smiles…

Secretly I wanted to keep some solid fuel for myself cuz it was from you. Decided I won’t cuz it’s not right. Anyway, we took the train, the tram, then you called to say hi.

You ended the call with “love you”. It’s so unexpected, so fresh.

Then you called again, much later, telling me you were busy. After that, you called to say your final goodbye. George came. We had lots of fun.

Anyway, Wendy asked me why I didn’t talk as much. Zoe talked to me, asking what would I do if I had only 24h with the cell group before I die.

I’ve gotten so many photos. You’ll love them.

14 November 2008, Friday
12:21am

My lunch was chocolates, and my dinner was you…

Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.

Coffee, tea or me? Me, me, me, me, and still me.

A small problem I’ll tell you straight in the face; a medium problem, via the phone; and a big problem, (almost) always via the email.

That’s me, afraid I’ll say something wrong. Afraid I might not say what I want to for fear of hurting the other party.

The entire two days had been enjoyable, really. I’d repeatedly said I missed you, and tried, right into your eyes, tell you that I love you. Spent so much time together, and yes, it’s perhaps the most romantic moments we’d ever had. Really.

There are some things, however, that made me contemplate quite a little, in fact, a great deal. Let me share what’s on my mind.

Yesterday, I reached home late. We had dinner together at the coffee shop opposite McDonald’s, chatted for a while and went to the bridge, again. Twas’ a lovely moment we shared, with the traffic beneath us, watching the world go by and the night getting darker. I appeared to be thinking. Yes I was. I wanted a hug, and finally, I said it, and yes, I got what I wanted.

In fact, I got more than what I wanted. You kissed me.

Yea, I’m a little shy about that cuz it’s you. The feeling’s hard to describe. Intimate. Passionate. That picture doesn’t seem to match the Charles I know. Perhaps, I don’t know you enough. Or perhaps, no one knew that side of you existed.

Thanks for the chocolates – Cadbury Roses and Eight Moments. It’s lovely to receive something unexpected, yet special, and all the more better cuz it was what I really like. Heh.

Came home, called you and yea, I fell asleep.

Zang. Spotted a few problems? I did.

1. We kissed. Gosh. Should we?
2. I got home late, and you got home pretty late too. Was it necessary?
3. I didn’t have the mood to pray, was too tired. Hmm… unbecoming?
Twas’ the first day we met after 32 days without you.
And yes, I slept till 9 plus today. My goodness. It’s very, very late you know. Hah.

We chatted on the phone in the morning, I recalled you calling me last night and you telling me you’ve read all the blogs and emails that I’ve written. Hmm… that’s not really a good idea. My blogs were written so long ago, I can’t even remember the contents in it, and you’re reading it. I believe you caught my “carat” post too. Ain’t too good… not to a girl at least. Gahh…

You dated me out after my paper, and I agreed.

I was supposed to study in school the whole day. Supposed to wake up at 6, get to school early in the morning and leave only at 9.30, to study for my Biology Applications paper.

Let’s go to the library, you suggested. Yea, it’s a good idea isn’t it? And so I agreed.

Was pretty excited in the morning about that. About the library, cuz I haven’t been there and I’m pretty mad about libraries; and about you. Meeting you.

Got my stuff packed, and off I went. “Gop” my brother’s hard disk for the very first time cuz I wanted to show you some photos. Wasseverely warned that should anything happen to the hard disk, I won’t stay alive for long. He’ll kill me. Lol.

Yes, my paper sucked. Gahh. It was so hard! So hard that it took me the whole train trip from Lakeside to Bugis to get to question 26 out of 40. and I’m not confident. That’s bad.

I need an A for my chemistry. For everything, actually.

After that horrid paper, I left school. Took so long in the toilet just because I’d changed into outside clothes in school, and I don’t want my friends catching me. Wasn’t in a mood to explain things, and get “suan-ed”.

And yes, there I saw you, after making the “malu” mistake that there’s a passport place in Bugis. OMG. That IS in Lavander, and I’m fully aware of that.

A turn to the right, in a distance, I saw you, smiling radiantly. Ah. I was so happy.

You brought me around, we walked through Bugis Junction, across TCC, the Olive Tree café, into an alley which opened into the main road. Right opposite was the most spectacular building I’d ever seen in that area. Majestic infrastructure, state-of-the-art building that climbed so high it almost touched the sky. That, I soon found out, was the NATIONAL LIBRARY OF SINGAPORE.

Wow. Awesome. Amazing. Grand. In one word, just cool. Super cool.

We went in, and the lift we headed towards. Big panels of directory, Han’s café (where you once bought puffs) and Level 11, because there are not many people over there. Got our stuff into the locker, and we got stopped by the librarian. NO NOTES ALLOW-DED, STRICTLY NO NOTES ALLOW-DED. Down to level 5 we went, the study area.

Before my eyes, I saw tables after tables piled up high with laptops, books, notes, and goodness knows whatever else besides. Right before me were the muggerers of the entire town, mugging away in the library.

Spectacular sight. I’d never seen the mugger-holics gather like this all my life.

We found a place and sat down. Took a look at all my photos, and off I went to study.

Biology Paper 3. AJC.

Couldn’t figure out the stuff, but finally got it. Learnt quite a lot and shared with you, in the dimly-lit garden shrouded with the city lights, overlooking INTERCONTINENTAL hotel. There we stood, talking about lots of things. You held me so close. That was the first time I felt really, really warm in your arms…

Twas where I stopped to talk to you. Lots of things were resolved in the conversation, lots of things touched upon, like you thinking of working in Dubai and me waiting for 8 years… it seems like there’s so much that we’ve discussed, even beyond words.

Yea, we got off the train, you stared at the trains passing by, again and again, and eventually, we left the station cuz you figured out you’d be fined should you stay any longer, and take the train back.

Yes, that’s exactly what we’ll do alright? You take the train back after sending me home. Me home latest by 9.30pm, which means I’ll leave Chinese Garden MRT station latest by 9.15pm.

And so we walked to bus stop 66, and goodness, what kind of ideas I had, to eat the chocolates, only then.

We did. Walked into the park (connector) and walked through the mud and grass to get to a drenched bench, you cleaning it with the tissue paper and finally sitting down to open that magical box of love.

Haha.

It was quite sad that the chocolates got messed up, but we still managed to put it all back in place. Hmm… the first we tried was passionfruit cream. You got it right by telling me that it’s some sort of fruit, whereas I only got the cream part right.

Second was latte cream. The white piece. Lol. Third we looked at the card and I asked you what would you like to try and if whatever you wanted was whatever I wanted.

That’s right. Cherry liquor.

It was really nice, that one. And following was the hazelnut praline cream, and then mango, then maple. And what’s the one I’d missed out? Let me check…

Orange liqueur truffle.

Ah, and so we walked to the bus stop, and along the way, you stopped. You wanted to do something.

I noticed people walking by, and I was quite reluctant.

You noticed it too. And so the people disappeared into the darkness, and you claimed whatever you wanted that night.

The kiss.

You held me tight in your arms, and the entire world seems to melt away to just both our existence. Oh ya, you tasted of chocolates. Like me. Heh.

We reached the bus stop and there you gave me another. I asked you, “Would we last?” and you replied, “Of course, if you believe we would.”

Till the day when we no longer have to send each other home, when there’s no more curfews, when I’ll be home, waiting for you to come back…

Bad guy, I said. And that you did again. Longer than ever before…seemingly time paused at that second, for us.

And so I went home, got into slight trouble and you called.

So here are the rules we’d set.

1. me home by 9.30pm whenever out with you
2. avoid prolonged kisses
3. get zoe’s approval

Right. I need to sleep now. It’s 5 in the morning. Good night then…

I GOT HERE FIRST

toprincecharles — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:25:51 UT

yeap. so this is our blog, and hope you like it!

will get the photos done up soon...

loves
NIANZ

hey

toprincecharles — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:50:34 UT

miss ya darl.

gonna go offline already. anyway mummy smsed me! as in your mummy. err... somehow i just saved her number as mummy in my phone. haha... so weird.

4 years. it's gonna be tough, but if you still love me, i can wait, because i love you, and i believe you're the one.

loves.
ZN

zzz miss ya darl'

toprincecharles — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 04:16:25 UT

it's been more than a week. i'm online again, blogging. it's been beautiful memories before you left, and i'm holding tightly.

thanks for the calls and smses. i really appreciate it. and hmm... i'd been stressed. horribly depressed with my prelim results. am fine now, had a rhema and am on my way to aceing every single subject: math, chem, bio, geog, and hopefully GP.

i miss you dear. on some days when everything crashes or i don't even have time to breathe, i'll look at our photo well-embedded in my wallet and think of you.

love's still going strong i hope. when pastor shared about visualising and confessing and believing in the word and it will come to pass. i was rather shy about that, but after much thought put into it, under MARRIAGE/FAMILY, together with "parents' salvation", i wrote, "to marry charles".

gee. pastor told us to put the paper in the offering envelope. ah. i can't change it anymore~

4 years. i wonder how i'd survive without you. i wonder if the love would grow cold. i wonder if you'll still love me, even more than ever, when you come back.

hope you had a great birthday. sorry i couldn't be there.

love you dear.

ZHINIAN

journeys...

toprincecharles — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 13:12:54 UT

'Haha.u got me stuck at replyin u.Indeed, yet another stretch of odyssey we've covered.Frm miraculously mtg u to e stressful separation,thr's so much we'd learnt abt ourselves,abt e world,abt each other.Esp so were exchanges tt were unspoken,e very fact of our presence says it all.Yet these will b locked up, as memories, to remember, or even cling to til e very end. I made you angry,disappointed,sad,anxious,lost,nervous,questioning,excited,hopeful,inspired,happy.. Seen u smiling,stressed up,contemplating.. Feel ur very passion,hope,emotions..Know ur very thought,idea,intentions.. Hope i didn't spoil ur morning :-P'
Zhinian 040908 1106h

'Holding too tightly may just hurt sometimes. Do whatever U'r supposed to,and perhaps,we may be exactly where we were during our expedition, n then,we won't be just looking anymore. Perhaps one day we'll b standing by the same traffic, and me telling u how much future awaits us.Perhaps one day I'll be the one nagging u to brush ur teeth n clear the sink.LoL.'
Zhinian 040908 1113h

A One of a Kind Prelude -

I still don't know how to start...
I guess I'll just settle for chronologically.

2 Sep 08, Tuesday.
Sent my mum, with my dad, to KK Hospital in the early afternoon. Ward 43, Bed 16. Zhinian, you were supposed to meet up with Wendy and visit with her in the evening. 4+pm, my dad bought me a chicken curry pie from Delifrance, and left to return to work, and I was left to wander the hospital grounds alone. Up and down the atrium I went, and into a landscaped area at the Womens' Tower Wing. And lo and behold, who should I see but you, Zhinian, there early studying in your 'Official' black Polo-Tee, waiting for the right time to contact me...

Incredulity. A pleasant surprise. We sat and chatted, in the gentle breeze from a ventilation outlet. We got a card for my mum, and returned there. You wrote, I read a couple of poems from my literature-laden book. 'If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself'.' It started raining, I had my bun, and we were the only ones stranded in that sheltered area. Once done, we dashed through the rain back to the atrium and went up to my mum's ward...

You gave my mum the card, and stayed to chat till 8. Before leaving, you offered her a prayer and a hug. Things I'd never managed to offer. She had tears in her eyes, and just for a moment, it was as if you were the daughter she'd never had.

And so we left, dropped by 7-eleven, I got a blueberry tea for myself and an apple tea for you, and I offered to send you home as the least I could do after all you'd done. Walked over to the Bt Timah Rd bus stop, and got onto a 66, squeezing together into a tight front seat just behind the driver. Yellow seats, two headrests. Denise wine bars, Island Creamery, Hwa Chong... KAP. I furtively reached my hand across to your shoulder for the first time and withdrew in a way that you later said was cute, and special. Shruging the incident off, we dropped off, walked, visited a Macs, walked, past your ex's block, close to the old Commonwealth Sec, and onto an overhead bridge overlooking the PIE. Wet railings.

In the orange glow of the highway lights, with the occasional tremoring vibrations of the bridge from the traffic below, you started sharing about your past relationships, your past hurts, in totality, in person. Never before. You felt so much, went through so much; you felt that I should know. In that orange glow, I looked at you. Eyes resolute, yet sad. Your countenance a complicated mask; resolute, yet sad. So vulnurable, so frail, yet with a certain unplacable strength. I affirmed my belief in you and you leaned your head onto my shoulder. I leaned back and reached across for your shoulder. And there we remained for a while. In the orange glow of the highway lights, I held a girl for the first time.

It was a plain kaleidoscope of feelings. I guess that describes it. A thousand at the back of the head. You still held back. Dry railings. We stayed for a while, and I walked you home.

A few SMS-es, 66 to Newton, walk home, $3 Laksa at Quality Hotel alone.

3 Sep 08, Wednesday

5:45 morning call from you. Cabbed there with my guitar and reached my mum just a few minutes later than you at 7. Jacket, jeans, and boots; hair untied. Pink flowers tied together with a ribbon. My mum nagged about the guitar for a while, and also about McDonalds and Delifrance, and encouraged us to go for breakfast. We saw her down to the operating theatre at 8, and went down to the atrium. I wasn't hungry yet so we sat around at the park at the basement. Time capsule, fountain, water levels. Guitar in bag. Cafe 21, savour every moment. We headed over to Macs, ordered a McGriddles EVM and a Sausage McMuffin Value Set. A coffee, a tea. Hmm, or me? Prayed, hmm, what's got into me? Dutch, you halved the McGriddles for me, and later changed my tea. Got a cup as a vase, went back up, got half a pill of panadol, and you arranged the flowers.

Over at the waiting area, the guitar found some action. Showed you what I'd wanted to show you for ages, and played the single chord '3 Tigers' =X So 'When You Say Nothing at All' became the first song I've played to a girl. In a hospital; how odd. played some other songs, you cut your nails, and you played some songs. Yeah it's special, that you flip conventional wisdom over. I didn't catch all the songs, all the lyrics, but their meanings were clear. Can we not have a fairytale ending?

Framed jigsaw puzzles. A nurse came to inform us that my mum was back. We returned to her bedside. The operation was fine, but she lay there so pale, so frail, on drip. I sat down and you left for the washroom. I sat at the armchair, and stared; a plain kaleidoscope of a different sort. Darker, paler. After a long while, you returned. Asked if I was alright, and hesitantly inched your chair just a tad closer. Again. Again, now you were right next to me. You were there for me, you said, and it was alright to be not alright; you offered your hand. I took it. Time slowed. Chaos found some order. A simpler, less complicated, kaleidoscope.

You shared of your facing your grandma in ICU alone in sec 2. That you emphatise. I start observing more and drawn curtains let the sun's light in. A young doctor came by to check on her and asked if you were her daughter-in-law, in a jokingly matter-of-fact way. Vibes? I quietly observed that in the space of two days, you became so much like a daughter to her the way I never was a son. She jerked and pressed the painkiller release button. Guys, girls; bottling up feelings, expressing.

We went down for a late lunch. Kopitiam. Ban mian, and chicken noodles. Prayed. I finished yours up. Chocolate ice cream, tissue. Closing with a simpler version of last Wednesday at TCC Central.

Bookshops, gift shops, accessories shop. Went back up, mum was still resting, went up to the 8th floor. Lifts. Window, window panes, buildings Where? You ask. And I held you and pointed. My condo. For a better view, we found ward 82. Walking in, we found a nursery, with little newborn babies in cribs. We stood by the glass panel, looking in, I instinctively held on to you. So simple, so natural; so sweet, so close. A while; we explored further, found cards from parents', a dads' lounge.

Went back down to my mum, still resting, had a look at the Childrens' Tower. Turned away at the cancer ward.

Atrium, prams, 'get any closer and you have to marry me'. Walked you over to Little India.

You wondered what's next? To tell or not to tell? What restrictions would follow? Would the past repeat itself? You left me lost; I wanted to reassure you, but you seemed so certain. Looking down into the train platform, you reached the point of fatalism (in a sense la). I accompanied you to Clark Quay, left you, and returned to the hospital alone in a numb confusion. What just happened? Why liddat? What could I do about it? A blank kaleidoscope.

Dazed around till my dad arrived with fruits to more nagging by my mum. Left together for home with him.

Awaited your call. Got it. Gathered thoughts. Called Zoe, for quite a mouthful. Tried to gather thoughts. Called you. Understood, had epiphanies of clarity, resolved, closed loops.

And here we are today, or rather, you and me, for now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The word 'journeys' evokes images of the passage of time, in which one progresses and travels from one point to another. Journeys are everywhere around us, intricately woven into the very fabric of the universe, from the macroscopic level to the microscopic.

When the universe as we know it began with the Big Bang thirteen billion years ago, an epic saga had begun, a journey through the tunnel of time with the end, if it exists, still far from sight. Nuclear reactions, interstellar collisions, flashes of light; the universe had journeyed from a pinprick of indescribable energy to the container of constellations and galaxies today. Similarly, the planet Earth has journeyed from a barren and rocky planet millions of years ago to become a gaia, a green and blue haven for life. Could it further journey in the near future to become a planet covered with soot and pollution? That is a side issue but one which is dictated by the journeys of its primary inhabitants, humans, otherwise known as homo sapiens.

Humankind has also come a long way since its journey began during the Pre-historic age. From primitive primates (or not, for that matter), mankind has evolved. It has been a journey of progress, and with his ingenuity and guile in solving problems came scientific developments which improved lives. For hunting and defence, sticks and stones evolved to swords and bows, to rifles and cannons, and finally to warplanes and missiles. For travelling,walking gave way to bicycles and horse-drawn carriages, to trains, and finally to automobiles and aeroplanes which cover distances that would have required months in the past in merely a few hours. From beings clad in loincloths huddled in caves the typical man has journeyed to become well-rounded beings clad in shirts and pants and dresses living in elaborate man-made structures of concrete, which brings to mind journeys of a subtly different nature.

The rise and fall of empires, of societies; are these not journeys in themselves? From small communities of people in forests and caves man has journeyed to now live in sprawling metropolises housing millions each. When the ancient people of Mesopotamia and China realised that there was safety in numbers, they bonded together to form villages, towns, cities and eventually countries. On another note, the organisation of societies has also evolved in its millenia-old journey. From primitive despotism in prehistoric times where communities were ruled by the most powerful came the monarchy where the class of aristocrats controlled power. The Greeks conceived the ideas of the republic and democracy, rule by the people, and Karl Marx more recently contemplated the idea of communism. The polarity between the last two has subsided with the end of the Cold War. Now, would people hundreds of years from now look back at that part of society's journey with fascination?

More down to earth are journeys of a personal nature. Be it commutes from home to work or school to the journey of an entire life, it is impossible to dismiss any part of our lives as not being a journey. Taking a bus to work is a journey in the literal sense. However, reading a book or participating in online forums can be journeys in knowledge. Encompassing all these is the journey of a life. From the time of conception to the time of death, a living being embarks on a kaleidoscopic journey of senses and experiences, of sights and sounds, of ideas and emotions. There is no rest-point, no break in this journey, and the only possible point where it can end is at death.

Journeys exist not just to teach, to tell, and to entertain. They exist to be experienced. Just as reading a book of fiction or watching a movie, a journey serves to bring character to any being, be it animate or inanimate. As for us, our journey has a long way to go. Taking the words from a computer game Alpha Centauri, 'Eternity lies ahead of us, have you drunk your fill?'

dy/dx

toprincecharles — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 09:05:57 UT

i'm so darn sleepy darling... had been on the phone for so long last night, ahh.. i'm so tired *yawnz*...

changed my plan to starhub. freakin starhub is giving me problems already! there are some messages i'd sent, and yet people didn't receive it. hmm... feeling so diaon lor.

twas the first day of school after the sept hols. hmm... time passes so fast! your mummy's episode has ended, and we're up to our necks with work again. hmm... sometimes, how nice it would be if i can just date you out for coffee or something, and spend some private moments together, probably just talking... probably just walking around... like what we used to do at KKH...

the house's friggin' noisy now lor. lift renovation, bro quarrelling with mum, zijie shouting and stuff... hmm...

i know i gotta study, but i'm just so tired...

oh, about the jacket, i think i'll really really like to have something that's so loud lor. haha.

dy/dx

you must be the dy and me the dx right? or is it you're the y=f(x) and i'm the d/dx? in any case, you have the Y chromosome, i don't. that makes you having something extra, something i'll never have in my entire life and won't want it too. something that calls you the leader and me the helper, you the one loving and me the one submitting...

wahh... i can preach making marriage work already. haha...

miss you quite a lot leh. gonna be so busy after today...

today's been so crappy. i got that kinda mark for bio p2, 54/100. can you imagine? it's so unbelievable right? look into my brains. which part says i deserve this mark? sigh...

thank God for his grace. comparatively i still do lots better than the rest of the world. haha...

anyway... thanks for being so proud of me ya? wanting to tell the whole world... erm... i believe i won't. me more low-profile. hehe. your face book ar... aiyo...

i'm wondering when you'll get to see these mails to you... dripping with honey... presented on a marshmallow... a gift to you, that's wrapped up in a ribbon... ziyang's evil sister...

or rather, what you said last night, princess-to-be...duh...

will i ever be? i've learnt a new word today from ms joy! vicarious. yep. vicariously understanding what princess-to-be feels. haha. minnie's getting jealous? kidding...

alright. with lots of lurves...
nianz

LOL. KKH

toprincecharles — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:55:45 UT

LOL's just over, but everything's so darn LOL now...

from central meeting where we had a quarrel days before, walked around and me feeding you at TCC with the chocolate cake, to now...

-saw you at kk hospital garden cuz i was supposed to meet wendy later in the day to visit your mum, when you bumped into me
- we walked around, and visited your mum (oh my, she's really nian2 qing1/young huh
-wendy told me she's not coming anymore, down with stomach flu with entire family
-i got a card for your mum
-wrote it in that garden, you reading your literature book with so nice poems inside, some of which so descriptive of what we were
-it was pouring, and we got trapped, but still, just walked in the rain
-we hanged out with your mum, saw her smiling lots and rushing to the toilet because of the fleet laxative
-she asked about you in private, when you went to the washroom (how long have we known each other)
-i offered to pray for her, and she cried
-i offered a hug before i left
-you got me a bottle of apple tea before we went off
-you sent me home (and told me we'd have mcgriddles the next day)
-we got on bus 66 and squeezed into the very big one seater (two people on one)
-you showed me many things during the trip (school and hangout place)
-we passed by KAP
-you put your arm around my shoulder for the first time in your entire life and my entire life, and it was so awkward!!! i asked if you had anything to say, and you say "k lah k lah, don't emo already." and you did that. gosh.
-you were supposed to be my headrest, but i chose the bus instead (didn;t want to get into trouble)
-we walked around and finally landed at the bridge (cuz everywhere else was wet)
-we talked about my past and i was really really sad (felt like crying, tears already coming out but no, i will not be vulnerable)
-i laid my head on your shoulder for the first time, and this time, it came very naturally. you slipped your hand across my shoulder
-that moment, i wanted so much to hug you and cry (decided not to)
-then we emo for very long and you sent me home

next day...

-i woke up at 5am
-packed my stuff, left the house
-got 6 pink roses for your mummy
-took 66 to KKH
-i reached, she was sound asleep
-you reached, and she was still asleep
-i tried moving my chair, and woke her up (nurses were having briefing/debriefing that time)
-i passed her the roses and she was really glad
-she said she loved pink and told me about her wedding gown
-we took so long, you were so hesitant, and she soon had to leave for her op
-i asked for 5 more minutes, and we prayed
-a bit unmoved, but mission accomplished
-we went to the main garden, you left me for the toilet
-we sat there and chatted
-went mac; you ordered mcgriddles meal, and the $2 sausage mcmuffin meal with coffee
-we shared the breakfast
-got a cup to contain the flowers, and half a panadol too
-then played guitar
-i cut my nails just because your guitar was really hard to play!
-and i played for you -> like a rose, tong2 hua4, complicated, when you're gone, etc.
-you played your very first san1 zhi1 lao3 hu3 to me (i was so diaon~ lor)
-and you played the song i'm more than a bird, and when you say nothing
-your mum came back
-you saw your mum, and the feeling struck you
-i didn't grasp the emotions you were feeling and kept joking, till i'd realised something was very wrong.
-i went to the toilet then emo for quite some time
-came back and i asked if you were ok, and told you i'm here to hear you say you're not okay
-you stoned at me, and i could pick up from your body languages that you were really not ok
-i started listing top ten feelings you could be feeling: sadness, helplessness, lost...
-and i was right
-here comes the crux of the story, i told you i've got something to tell you...
-took me more than one minute, i stretched out my hand and said, "if holding my hand will make you feel better, go ahead."
-you did la. lol. but the sadness was then amplified
-after that, she woke up and looked fine
-you became less tense too...
-first question from your mum, where's the flowers?!
-then we went for lunch, and walked around
-went to the highest floor and looked out to the landscape
-you told me you used to train there last time at the police academy. i kept asking WHERE? WHERE? and you put your hand around my shoulder and tried very hard pointing
-then we went into the ward
-saw a few babies in the nursery and i kept saying, "they're so small..."
-#quote from charles' sms "i instinctively put my hand around your shoulder"
-we walked around some more, and you kept hinting that someday we may have the exact same encounter again
-we noticed about lifts, cards and everything the other party noticed too...
-went back and i left
-you walked me to little india mrt and we started becoming a little unhappy
-i brought up the point that zoe would be very unhappy
-we tried talking properly, and i wanted you not to say anything, yet you thought it was wrong
-so i'd resoluted to say everything, and you wanted to tell her in my place and talk terms with her
-i left for BS
-we talked about stuff on the train on my way home
-you called her
-she was busy, said she'd call you back
-i smsed you
-you called me when i'd reached home
-we talked a little
-you talked to her
-you told me everything she said
-about her not expecting everything that turned out to be
-she was a helper and got into an unofficial relationship, went to the hospital too to visit with the boy, and got very close
-in the end, everything happened and she cut all contacts
-she doesn't want the same thing to happen to us
-me and you vs us, we, together
hmm...

this morning...

-you sent me some smses that were drenched with lots of memories
sigh. it's wrong leh.
you told victor about everything huh? and yea, you just rushed out an account on your laptop.
haha.
wait till you see this blog!
cheers
phoebe

=)

toprincecharles — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:42:40 UT

lurves...

u sent me the clip. i'm touched...

letter of regret

toprincecharles — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:16:57 UT

Hey Charles

Think you really misunderstood me. Probably i really have a problem over msn. Today had been tough. i'm sorry to have hurt you deeply.

we aren't in a season to be in love. you need your exposure, and i need my fallowing. Does that mean we're not in love? No. Does that mean we can never be together? No. Does that mean everything's just gonna end like this? No.

It takes a lot to choose. It's not God's will NOW, does that mean it'll never be? No. It just means that time will tell whether we're truly for one another, if we're ready to withstand the test of time.

How long? Nobody knows, not even Zoe. Terence is supposed to get together with Hui Yun only next year, yet they're officially together already, because Zoe sensed that it's time. Will we ever hit that point?

I'm not promising that I'll love you and only you for my entire life and anything else, i rather stay single. But, i want to let you know that I will wait as long as i can, as long as i feel you're the one. I knew you would wait for me, but i aren't that sure now. have i made you really angry, and hurt, that you'll not give a hoot about everything ever again?

people whom you love most hurt you most. it wasn't my intention to hurt you, and was it in you to say good night and leave, and tell me you're gonna go visit your mum alone? am i hurt?

look at my math rough book. it's filled with bits of you here and there, including a big point about visiting your mum, a small point about your birthday.

is it really true that if we can't be a couple, we can't be friends? how then can we be a couple that can last?

if you're really going to brisbane, i'll do my best to follow. what if i can't? are you going to be angry with me?

are we going to heed the voice of God together? are we going to prove that we'll last?

when i first heard everything from Zoe, i know you won't be able to take that. she didn't drive her point across? i thought i was just reinforcing. what have i done now? is there not a cause?

my a levels is coming. am i going to take all these till a levels? can i focus?

if we're not meant to be, we're not meant to be. let's not force anything to our promises to each other. and if we are, things will turn out fine. time will tell. will it? it's been just one night. things got worse than it should. we sound like enemies.

i'm not intending to be harsh, or hurtful. i wonder if you sense the helplessness in me.

i'm extending my most sincere apologies for whatever i've said that made no sense on msn on mon night. i'm sorry charles. i'm really tired, drained.

perhaps i need a little more affirmation. i never believe i'm the girl for you, as much as we talk about it. never had i dared to think i'm gonna marry you too. my faith in this relationship is lower than what you'd expected.

if i don't clear up by today, which is so very my tendency, things are going to sour, and then before i know it, you're gonna come back from brisbane, married.

you must have known. i'm not good at expressing feelings online. i rather talk face to face or on the phone. sorry to have offended you.

it's either you'd misunderstood me, or that you assumed, and yes, you've hurt me too.

i was blogging. blogging daily about you on a page you shouldn't see, about things that's really from the bottom of my heart but it's not the time to tell. and i chanced upon this that i'd written to you.

THE PLACE

as the wind blows, you took me to a place
a horizon i've never known, never touched
a pure green field blooming with nothingness
pure, i call it
a place where there's no congestion
worries hang far into the galaxies
and you, whispering something
a secret that no one ever knows about

we held hands, standing at the edge of the earth
standing on the horizon line
i told you, impossible
but you've proven me wrong
and brought me to this place
where the twilight twinkles
the stars shone brilliantly
and you're whispering
whispering something yet again

i probed, asking for more of these words
these inaudible words
you had spoken without moving your lips
ah, the stars are saying something, you told me
i probed again, seemingly curious
for once, only once, you turned to me and said
"shhh... listen carefully..."

i did as was told
and melodious music i heard
cacophony of the green field singing
choir from the highest heavens
harp from behind the clouds
there was nothing else around
yet, something i heard from the wind
something that sounds like your secret

time would never suspend
i pleaded, but God allowed not
for a time like such to happen for eternity
this is divine, i thought
for i'll never have a moment like this with you again

for every second that past
the landscape changes
changes drastically
from the beautiful twilight into the menacing morning
alas, our time is due
you turned to me and smiled
when i returned the gesture with a tear
surely, you have to go
everything would disappear in that instant
you pulled my hand and ran non-stop
i was reluctantly dragged behind
stop, please stop running
let the sun never come
for i know when it does, as promised
you would vanish
baby, leave me not
i'll stick to you
till death do us part

in a distance i saw a figure
a figure so great
i could not comprehend its magnitude nor potency
loss took me over
awestruck, perhaps fear
enveloped the entire of me
as the sun inches up from where we were standing
i sink, deeper every second into a bottomless abyss
is this called hell, i wonder
pain engulf me every moment passes
i cringed, struggled for freedom
yet futile as it was, i was held captive
captivated by the pain of separation

suddenly everything went black
i could no longer feel
you inching away, dissipating
seemingly surreal separation
was prematurely terminated
i could no longer see
see the pureness of jade green under my feet
i felt myself collapsing uncontrollably
falling into a relief of painlessness
a world of anesthesia
a blank page of an error print novel

consciousness soon arrived
and yes, i'd been asleep for a millennium
yes, there you laid beside me
a face so aged i never knew
you stared at me, surprised
whispering again

this is audible
you'd waited for a millennium
until i'd regain consciousness
you picked me up
held my hand
hobbled for hours as you brought me to that place again
the place where the twilight reigned and stars cheered
the place where you owe me a secret you never told

finally we'd arrived
everything suspended for us
the same as it was
you took out a dazzling brilliant stone
banded with a ring
you slipped it through my last finger
and collapsed...

you never regained your consciousness
never, i waited till i died
but now i've known the secret you've kept from me
a secret you engraved deep into the ring
i stood and stared
yes, these were crystal clear
you wanted to tell me
"I LOVE YOU"

you know, i saw this coming when i wrote the poem. i knew that the bliss we had would be soon tested under fire. i knew i couldn't take it before you leave, and you would stay, but not for long. i weren't sure if you're gonna like me forever, so i made you die so that you would. and i died, so that i would. morbid eh? warped kind of love this is.

you are still who you are to me, nothing much will change my perception of you. and this poem still stands, at this point in time.

i'm having my math paper 2 tomorrow. i can't sleep, because so much is on my mind. so much about you.

are you still my prince? will you stay that way? it's not really up to me to decide ya?

love, like any other emotions, is dynamic. it's subjected to fluctuations and external fluctuations.

love never fails... ~1Cor13

you must have fallen asleep already, being exhausted from all the outfield training. hmm... sorry to have disturbed you.

i'm contemplating if i should send the letter.
1. will i hurt you more?
2. am i supposed to do this?
3. what would zoe say, and what would God say?

forgive me, will you? relationships broken are hard to mend. it'll be harder to face you in cell group and service. wonder what's gonna happen.

let's continue to be friends, and see how things goes.

this will be my last email telling you how i feel towards you. from this point on, we're gonna be good friends. just that.

all the best ahead. do whatever you should.

Cheers
ZN

twas the first night

toprincecharles — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:01:26 UT

twas the first night i was hurt, terribly hurt by you.

i guess you're just as hurt too. choose between you, and God. just how do i choose? aren't i right to leave everything to God?

are you really gonna visit your mum alone? the wound must have been too deep...

you're going brisbane. will i go? will things work out fine?

i'm really at a loss. what do you want? hold on? i am holding on you know. i am.

what do you want? just what do you want?

are you still my prince? are you who i'm looking for ? are you the guy i'm going to marry?

time will tell, zoe says. will we wait for each other? as much as i can, i will.

i've no idea how much i hurt you. i'm sorry for that. i planned to visit your mum and drop her a sunflower.

no matter what, i'm going, because i am concerned about her, just as much as i'm concerned about you.

and yes, kill me if you want, i'm gonna wait. get your gf in brisbane and see what i'll do.

the day had been tough. i spent my day missing you. i really did. for once, i was about to cry because of the pain of separation.

do you think i'm really who i am today? if i don't fix it, i wonder when will i fix that.

i am cow by arrogant worms

toprincecharles — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 13:22:34 UT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcPz850o3d4

I am cow, hear me moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And I look good on the barbecue
Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butters
Made from liquid from my udders
I am cow, I am cow, hear me moo (moo)

I am cow, eating grass
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out my muzzle when I belch
Oh, the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am cow, I am cow, Ive got gas

I am cow, here I stand
Far and wide upon this land
And I am living everywhere
From b.c. to newfoundland
You can squeeze my teats by hand
I am cow, I am cow, I am cow
I am cow, I am cow, I am cow!

desert song by hillsong

toprincecharles — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 13:15:57 UT

VERSE 1-
This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that's within me feels dry,
This is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides,

-VERSE 2-
And this is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness, or trial, or pain,
There is a faith proved more worth than gold,
> So refine me Lord through the flame,

-CHORUS-
I will bring praise,
I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain,
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here,

-VERSE 3-
This is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way,
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
So firm on his promise I'll stand,

(repeat Chorus)

All of my life, in every season,
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship,

(repeat Chorus)

-VERSE 4-
And this is my prayer in the harvest,
When favour and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again,
The seed I receive I will sow

collide by howie day

toprincecharles — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 13:13:05 UT

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

i'm yours by jason mraz

toprincecharles — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 13:10:49 UT

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

D-d-do do you, do you, d-d-do, do you want to come?
Scooch on over closer dear, I'll whisper in your ear
Oh yes love, love love love love love
Love you love, love you love

I've been spending way too long tricking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Come on and open up your mind and see like me
(I won't hesitate)
Open up your plans and damn you're free
(No more, no more)
I look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
(It cannot wait, I'm sure)

So please don't, there's no need
(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours, I'm sayin' I'm yours

the place

toprincecharles — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 13:06:58 UT

THE PLACE

as the wind blows, you took me to a place
a horizon i've never known, never touched
a pure green field blooming with nothingness
pure, i call it
a place where there's no congestion
worries hang far into the galaxies
and you, whispering something
a secret that no one ever knows about

we held hands, standing at the edge of the earth
standing on the horizon line
i told you, impossible
but you've proven me wrong
and brought me to this place
where the twilight twinkles
the stars shone brilliantly
and you're whispering
whispering something yet again

i probed, asking for more of these words
these inaudible words
you had spoken without moving your lips
ah, the stars are saying something, you told me
i probed again, seemingly curious
for once, only once, you turned to me and said
"shhh... listen carefully..."

i did as was told
and melodious music i heard
cacophony of the green field singing
choir from the highest heavens
harp from behind the clouds
there was nothing else around
yet, something i heard from the wind
something that sounds like your secret

time would never suspend
i pleaded, but God allowed not
for a time like such to happen for eternity
this is divine, i thought
for i'll never have a moment like this with you again

for every second that past
the landscape changes
changes drastically
from the beautiful twilight into the menacing morning
alas, our time is due
you turned to me and smiled
when i returned the gesture with a tear
surely, you have to go
everything would disappear in that instant
you pulled my hand and ran non-stop
i was reluctantly dragged behind
stop, please stop running
let the sun never come
for i know when it does, as promised
you would vanish
baby, leave me not
i'll stick to you
till death do us part

in a distance i saw a figure
a figure so great
i could not comprehend its magnitude nor potency
loss took me over
awestruck, perhaps fear
enveloped the entire of me
as the sun inches up from where we were standing
i sink, deeper every second into a bottomless abyss
is this called hell, i wonder
pain engulf me every moment passes
i cringed, struggled for freedom
yet futile as it was, i was held captive
captivated by the pain of separation

suddenly everything went black
i could no longer feel
you inching away, dissipating
seemingly surreal separation
was prematurely terminated
i could no longer see
see the pureness of jade green under my feet
i felt myself collapsing uncontrollably
falling into a relief of painlessness
a world of anesthesia
a blank page of an error print novel

consciousness soon arrived
and yes, i'd been asleep for a millennium
yes, there you laid beside me
a face so aged i never knew
you stared at me, surprised
whispering again

this is audible
you'd waited for a millennium
until i'd regain consciousness
you picked me up
held my hand
hobbled for hours as you brought me to that place again
the place where the twilight reigned and stars cheered
the place where you owe me a secret you never told

finally we'd arrived
everything suspended for us
the same as it was
you took out a dazzling brilliant stone
banded with a ring
you slipped it through my last finger
and collapsed...

you never regained your consciousness
never, i waited till i died
but now i've known the secret you've kept from me
a secret you engraved deep into the ring
i stood and stared
yes, these were crystal clear
you wanted to tell me
"I LOVE YOU"

1st msg

toprincecharles — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 12:57:47 UT

i've decided to change my nickname to "to prince charles". because i miss you, and i love you still.

i've just spoken to zoe. things aren't the way we thought to be.

sigh. i haven't seen you for ages, because this time you were outfield at sembawang, then pulau tekong bmtc. and i've heard so much, expected so much, yet this day will be where i put a period on the chapter.

zoe will ask you, "which is more important, your law education, or this relationship?"

it's 99.8% the former i guess. if it were me, i'd have chosen my education over the latter.

will we wait? i doubt myself. first thing on the list is someone spiritual. you know it. someone who loves God more than i do, loves God more than anything else(including me) and has a similar calling as mine.

are you far from it? at this point in time, the only thing i'm conscious of is probably the pain of cleaving the relationship, reversing the scale from 7(tending towards 10, a relationship) to 5 (good friends).

will i be harsh? yes. because i love God more. i don't know if i love you, because i hadn't been doing anything. i'm fond of you, but uncertain if i'm ready to love you.

you know...
phoebe (6 letters)
prince (6 letters)
charles (7 letters)
zhinian (7 letters)
kuan seng (8 letters)
princess (8 letters)

i'd been a little depressed over this entire matter. it would mean me not going out with you one on one, no talking too long on the phone, no buying presents or making cards till everything's over, and the scale's reversed.

now then. is there any point doing that? but yet, how not to? you're still, what i call, untainted.

will i continue to read my newspaper? probably. i'll miss you every time i do that. similarly when i'm walking home, on that route you sent me back, in the park, when we sat on the swing, on the way to jurong point, when we'd walked together, in labrador park, in raffles city, in practically, everywhere.

you seem to have infused into my life almost completely...

will i still be your princess? will i, charles? will i? will you like someone else? will i wait for you? will i get another guy? will i still love you when you're away? will i be left on the shelf and you happily married when you get back? will i speak my singlish and you with your A1 perfect english? will you still love me? will you wait for me? will you forget me? will you tell me you love me in person, and bring me all over the world to egypt and new york and the himalayans and the french alps and the great rift valley, the grand canyon, the niagara falls, and to paris, us holding hands walking on cobblestone, looking at the great museums, the pretty fashion and the majestic eiffel tower and you propose to me? and we spend our honeymoon there? that's our story, our nowhere. somewhere that belongs to you, and me.

i was really ='( today after meeting zoe at centrepoint, i know she's right, but somehow it's hard to accept everything. and i gotta do something i hate doing, AGAIN, ignoring the person my heart calls out to. it was drizzling when i stepped out of that place, and i walked in the rain. on the train, this freakin big guy intentionally bumped into me twice! and uh, of course, if you want to be intentional, you hit the right place. gosh. for the first time i wanted to scream "ahh... molester!! " in the train. twice leh. wah liew~

bolong sms me, ahh.. feeling like crap lor. makes me wonder if i'll end up with him instead of you. lol. not even if all the man goes extinct, i guess.

i alighted the train, it was raining like mad. i went to cheers and got myself some comfort food, and decided on chocolates - cadbury picnic. it really worked wonders, i felt so much better after eating that. but then afterwards, i'd decided. i'll never touch chocolates for as much as i can. know why?

NO AMOUNT OF CHOCOLATES CAN SUBSTITUTE YOU.
NO AMOUNT OF CHOCOLATES IS HALF AS SWEET AS LOVE.
I DON'T HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR WITH CHOCOLATES. IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE ME HAPPY, JUST FAT.

i think i'm still going to run regardless of what happen. i'll think of you when i run. i'm going to channel all the energy to studies. and yes, i love zoe, despite all these. lol.

no twisties too. actually, i'd like to ban twisties on you. lol. if you don't eat twisties anymore, i'm not going to touch chocolates anymore. but think about it, actually, who cares? just share lor. haha.

would love to have a telescope, move to hawaii and watch neptune with my cha2 er3 si1 wang2 zi3.

phoebe = shining radiance. that's me, ain't it? nah. i stick to zhinian, something you call and call so sweetly. haha.

i feel so much better confiding in you, really. go bah, your uni's waiting for you. and get a girl if you find a suitable one. let's just be friends and see what really happens, if this love story will unfold into a happily ever after ending in diamonds and platinum, in eiffel tower and cobblestone pavement, in hawaii and watching stars, we completing one another.

i feel so selfish, trying to make a good guy stay. lol. charleston, rong hwee, weiwen, phatchara. mitchell, marcus, zhen yu...

now it's you, mr charles tay. prince charles. sir charles.

think over it. i am not that guai a girl. out of all, i've been nicest to you. cuz i know i'll hurt, i stay away. but i eventually still hurt you. i'm sorry.

anything i'm going to say to you, i'll write it here.

i won't promise i'll wait for you. but i'll definitely think of you every now and then.

get the girl you love, i'll accept it, no matter how painful. i'll smile, and give all my blessings.

cheers to charles' girlfriend-to-be in the future!

from your _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
ZHINIAN

it's me again./.

toprincecharles — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 12:42:54 UT

haix...it's been a long time...

charles and i are friends...

mr potassium hydroxide... lol...

busy busy busy...