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Saturday, 15 November 2008 at 06:29

21st September 2008, Sunday

Today has been one of the most eventful day so to speak, one of so much horror, unexpected, pain, loneliness and helplessness. Sitting in from the laptop, staring blankly, at the brink of tears, it scares me when I think about everything that happened. I feel small, I feel useless, I feel lousy.

I skipped school on Friday because I was really tired from doing chorus board. I woke up late and decided that I’ll fail to get to school on time, and thus forwent my trip to school. There were only one Biology lesson with Ms Wun, so there weren’t really any point rushing to school.

I smsed Huiwen, and from then I felt so distant from her. It dawned upon me like she could no longer relate to me, no longer trust me, and no longer regard me as her friend. I felt hurt, betrayed and misunderstood. I spent the entire day sleeping and sleeping, wishing never to be awaken from the slumber and be the forever sleeping beauty of my world. So tired of life, so tired.

In parallel, I felt overwhelming guilt too. I hadn’t been studying. Sigh. My A levels are coming and yet I’m still not studying as I should. Why so, I wonder. Could it be Charles, complacency, or something else?

Friday I spend trying to consolidate everything about youthem. Took me so long, couldn’t find a friend too. I binged too, and reminiscence of guilt trickled in, little by little.

Finally had heard from Charles about his outfield trip, how he suspect getting foot rot and stuff. He was tired, and I told him to pray and shower before calling me. It took so long, I fell asleep at 2pm.

Saturday came. I got the stuff for the hamper, and went for service. Alas, Wendy had forgotten to bring the hamper stuff. Somehow I expected it, somehow I was a little disappointed. Sigh.

I went service, and Suresh came. Charles came too. Missed him, yet didn’t want my feelings to manifest. He sat at the row behind me, beside Suresh. I gave him a box of Choco Baby, and told him some centres contain stars, some smiley faces. He offered me some, offered the whole world some, and ate happily. Whenever he chanced upon the ones with stars, he’d tap on my shoulder and pass it to me. Sweet were those moments.

The one and only smiley face in the entire box, he gave it to me… during service…

Supposed to celebrate Zoe’s birthday but she was running a high fever. Done away with that.

Suresh and I went home and the rest fellowshipped at Subway.

Had a good chat with Suresh. Sheryne replied my SMS and I jioed her out to study whole night. Set.

I had my dinner and went to Mac to study. Just broke my fast then.

Stayed throughout the night over at Mac. There was a flasher that targeted us, and wanted his private part exposed in his boxers. He kept rubbing it, kept staring at it, and kept opening his legs wide apart hoping we’ll see. Thank God we didn’t. We kept talking to each other.

Charles called and put down. Said he wasn’t tired and immediately after putting down he fell asleep. Hmmm…

I was quite hostile to him because I wanted him to sleep. And he was rather upset I could tell.

Stayed till 6 in the morning, hear her talk about Lixin and God. So much she said. Left me in silent sobbings and tears blinked away.

I came back home, prayed and slept for 1hour. Started on my POP work at 7.45am.

10am Terence SMS me that he can finally send me the slides. Hmmm… It was a bit too late, I said, and he was half happy about it. That was the first problem. A series followed.

Peien couldn’t send me the slides on time. That’s bad. We had so much things unsettled. We didn’t tell the models what time to meet. We told the members to come at a wrong time. Sigh.

I was supposed to meet Wendy at 12.45pm. Told her I’d be late because I haven’t bought the wrapping paper. Carried all the stuff myself to Riverwalk. Drinks 4kg, Laptop 4kg. Bag 1kg. basket 1kg.

Went there, everyone was late. Met Royston at Outram Park. He helped me carry the stuff.

And yea, I borrowed the Swiss Army Knife from Kelvin to cut open some scotch tape. Got a deep cut, so deep blood spurted out. So deep, I felt faint. So deep, the blood dripped onto my legs. The next moment, Maria was attending to me. Gave me tissue and all. Debbie and Kelvin were so worried. Everyone else too. Sigh. How I wish Charles was there. I really wanted to cry lor. Anyway, they gave me plaster and all. Felt much better.

My feet had cramp and were out of control because of my cut. Sigh. Major nerve injured. Spasm and all. I almost fainted.

Chorus board went haywire. My laptop couldn’t configure. Fonts all couldn’t use. The list I had was crap too. Terence added some slides. Everything went haywire. Leo tripped over the wire, and the entire crowd jeered. Sigh. From there the whole chorus board screwed up. I felt so crap. So crap.

Following that Darren came. He passed me his laptop. I was supposed to do lots of stuff, to help him and all. But at least I did well. Haha. My saving grace was in that I told Phoebe some valuable information and our cell group won the most creative make-over competition.

I cried. Was so upset with my performance. Hamper I took nothing except Baby Star and pocky. Japan Pocky rocks!

It’s been a bad day. Carried so much stuff, feel like I became stupider cuz of the cut and am in pain. Didn’t sleep enough too.

Charles, sometimes you just don’t understand. Sigh.

Regards
ZHINIAN
19:59
21st September 2008

12 October 2008

You left.

I shall start from today since it’ll take me forever to narrate every single detail of our time spent together. It’s been a really good day, really. Woke up, met up with Jamie, and left for sentosa. I’d been excited about you leaving to conquer new grounds, and I was waiting, waiting for your call. Patiently, longingly, excitedly.

I brought the solid fuel along. 14 packs, what you’d passed to me at Dhoby Ghaut. Went plaza singapura after that to shop at Carrefour remember? Cheese cake, cream cheese, cookies… Lots of jumping around, lots of secret gazes, lots of laughter and smiles…

Secretly I wanted to keep some solid fuel for myself cuz it was from you. Decided I won’t cuz it’s not right. Anyway, we took the train, the tram, then you called to say hi.

You ended the call with “love you”. It’s so unexpected, so fresh.

Then you called again, much later, telling me you were busy. After that, you called to say your final goodbye. George came. We had lots of fun.

Anyway, Wendy asked me why I didn’t talk as much. Zoe talked to me, asking what would I do if I had only 24h with the cell group before I die.

I’ve gotten so many photos. You’ll love them.

14 November 2008, Friday
12:21am

My lunch was chocolates, and my dinner was you…

Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.

Coffee, tea or me? Me, me, me, me, and still me.

A small problem I’ll tell you straight in the face; a medium problem, via the phone; and a big problem, (almost) always via the email.

That’s me, afraid I’ll say something wrong. Afraid I might not say what I want to for fear of hurting the other party.

The entire two days had been enjoyable, really. I’d repeatedly said I missed you, and tried, right into your eyes, tell you that I love you. Spent so much time together, and yes, it’s perhaps the most romantic moments we’d ever had. Really.

There are some things, however, that made me contemplate quite a little, in fact, a great deal. Let me share what’s on my mind.

Yesterday, I reached home late. We had dinner together at the coffee shop opposite McDonald’s, chatted for a while and went to the bridge, again. Twas’ a lovely moment we shared, with the traffic beneath us, watching the world go by and the night getting darker. I appeared to be thinking. Yes I was. I wanted a hug, and finally, I said it, and yes, I got what I wanted.

In fact, I got more than what I wanted. You kissed me.

Yea, I’m a little shy about that cuz it’s you. The feeling’s hard to describe. Intimate. Passionate. That picture doesn’t seem to match the Charles I know. Perhaps, I don’t know you enough. Or perhaps, no one knew that side of you existed.

Thanks for the chocolates – Cadbury Roses and Eight Moments. It’s lovely to receive something unexpected, yet special, and all the more better cuz it was what I really like. Heh.

Came home, called you and yea, I fell asleep.

Zang. Spotted a few problems? I did.

1. We kissed. Gosh. Should we?
2. I got home late, and you got home pretty late too. Was it necessary?
3. I didn’t have the mood to pray, was too tired. Hmm… unbecoming?
Twas’ the first day we met after 32 days without you.
And yes, I slept till 9 plus today. My goodness. It’s very, very late you know. Hah.

We chatted on the phone in the morning, I recalled you calling me last night and you telling me you’ve read all the blogs and emails that I’ve written. Hmm… that’s not really a good idea. My blogs were written so long ago, I can’t even remember the contents in it, and you’re reading it. I believe you caught my “carat” post too. Ain’t too good… not to a girl at least. Gahh…

You dated me out after my paper, and I agreed.

I was supposed to study in school the whole day. Supposed to wake up at 6, get to school early in the morning and leave only at 9.30, to study for my Biology Applications paper.

Let’s go to the library, you suggested. Yea, it’s a good idea isn’t it? And so I agreed.

Was pretty excited in the morning about that. About the library, cuz I haven’t been there and I’m pretty mad about libraries; and about you. Meeting you.

Got my stuff packed, and off I went. “Gop” my brother’s hard disk for the very first time cuz I wanted to show you some photos. Was severely warned that should anything happen to the hard disk, I won’t stay alive for long. He’ll kill me. Lol.

Yes, my paper sucked. Gahh. It was so hard! So hard that it took me the whole train trip from Lakeside to Bugis to get to question 26 out of 40. and I’m not confident. That’s bad.

I need an A for my chemistry. For everything, actually.

After that horrid paper, I left school. Took so long in the toilet just because I’d changed into outside clothes in school, and I don’t want my friends catching me. Wasn’t in a mood to explain things, and get “suan-ed”.

And yes, there I saw you, after making the “malu” mistake that there’s a passport place in Bugis. OMG. That IS in Lavander, and I’m fully aware of that.

A turn to the right, in a distance, I saw you, smiling radiantly. Ah. I was so happy.

You brought me around, we walked through Bugis Junction, across TCC, the Olive Tree café, into an alley which opened into the main road. Right opposite was the most spectacular building I’d ever seen in that area. Majestic infrastructure, state-of-the-art building that climbed so high it almost touched the sky. That, I soon found out, was the NATIONAL LIBRARY OF SINGAPORE.

Wow. Awesome. Amazing. Grand. In one word, just cool. Super cool.

We went in, and the lift we headed towards. Big panels of directory, Han’s café (where you once bought puffs) and Level 11, because there are not many people over there. Got our stuff into the locker, and we got stopped by the librarian. NO NOTES ALLOW-DED, STRICTLY NO NOTES ALLOW-DED. Down to level 5 we went, the study area.

Before my eyes, I saw tables after tables piled up high with laptops, books, notes, and goodness knows whatever else besides. Right before me were the muggerers of the entire town, mugging away in the library.

Spectacular sight. I’d never seen the mugger-holics gather like this all my life.

We found a place and sat down. Took a look at all my photos, and off I went to study.

Biology Paper 3. AJC.

Couldn’t figure out the stuff, but finally got it. Learnt quite a lot and shared with you, in the dimly-lit garden shrouded with the city lights, overlooking INTERCONTINENTAL hotel. There we stood, talking about lots of things. You held me so close. That was the first time I felt really, really warm in your arms…

Twas where I stopped to talk to you. Lots of things were resolved in the conversation, lots of things touched upon, like you thinking of working in Dubai and me waiting for 8 years… it seems like there’s so much that we’ve discussed, even beyond words.

Yea, we got off the train, you stared at the trains passing by, again and again, and eventually, we left the station cuz you figured out you’d be fined should you stay any longer, and take the train back.

Yes, that’s exactly what we’ll do alright? You take the train back after sending me home. Me home latest by 9.30pm, which means I’ll leave Chinese Garden MRT station latest by 9.15pm.

And so we walked to bus stop 66, and goodness, what kind of ideas I had, to eat the chocolates, only then.

We did. Walked into the park (connector) and walked through the mud and grass to get to a drenched bench, you cleaning it with the tissue paper and finally sitting down to open that magical box of love.

Haha.

It was quite sad that the chocolates got messed up, but we still managed to put it all back in place. Hmm… the first we tried was passionfruit cream. You got it right by telling me that it’s some sort of fruit, whereas I only got the cream part right.

Second was latte cream. The white piece. Lol. Third we looked at the card and I asked you what would you like to try and if whatever you wanted was whatever I wanted.

That’s right. Cherry liquor.

It was really nice, that one. And following was the hazelnut praline cream, and then mango, then maple. And what’s the one I’d missed out? Let me check…

Orange liqueur truffle.

Ah, and so we walked to the bus stop, and along the way, you stopped. You wanted to do something.

I noticed people walking by, and I was quite reluctant.

You noticed it too. And so the people disappeared into the darkness, and you claimed whatever you wanted that night.

The kiss.

You held me tight in your arms, and the entire world seems to melt away to just both our existence. Oh ya, you tasted of chocolates. Like me. Heh.

We reached the bus stop and there you gave me another. I asked you, “Would we last?” and you replied, “Of course, if you believe we would.”

Till the day when we no longer have to send each other home, when there’s no more curfews, when I’ll be home, waiting for you to come back…

Bad guy, I said. And that you did again. Longer than ever before…seemingly time paused at that second, for us.

And so I went home, got into slight trouble and you called.

So here are the rules we’d set.

1. me home by 9.30pm whenever out with you
2. avoid prolonged kisses
3. get zoe’s approval

Right. I need to sleep now. It’s 5 in the morning. Good night then…