toprincecharles
Trust female - 19 years, United Kingdom
Blog 53
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superstar cinderella
first i was a plain jane, low key.
then for one moment i was the superstar. i was there and everyone was watching, cheering for me, and wolf-whistling away.
then i quickly changed back, wore my specs and removed my make-up. there i was, that cinderella...
the clock has ticked. -
it used to be...
people say change is the only constant. how can change be a constant if it's a variable by itself? a science student argues this way. albeit all the buzz vis-a-vis my life, i'm obstinately inflexible about change. sigh.
first thing on my mind is always love. why, i wonder. could it be that i'm too used to being loved by someone of the opposite gender, or that i'm just love-starved for bgr? or even, atrociously, it has enveloped my subconsciousness that i now no longer can control what i want to think. why so? CHARLES, stop trying to play both sides of the story. i don't care if you want to be the villain who walk away without a word, or the hero who abides by my side, stick to one alright? if you really love ambivalency, INFORM ME FIRST.
it hurts a great deal when i think for one moment that you really like me, and another moment i feel like a puppet who has been abandoned after the long play.
yes, i admit, we shouldn't get into a relationship, not even frequent talks on the phone, but for goodness sake, can you please point that out and say it's wrong? and then do what you want?
don't leave me half-way hanging. one moment i thought i was never gonna see your messages again, there you came, smsing me every single day for 2 weeks. then when i pointed that out, i hear nothing from you ever since. why so? it irritates me a great deal.
i remembered telling you i'm madly in love with you. ahh... i don't know why. i see nothing in you to get me crazily in love. but you're a great man, that i gotta mention.
voice out your emotions. it'll make stuff better. really.
Jesus bless you, and i hope you'll get your en bloc deal and get into university of queensland law school. then wen you come back, probably we'll see how things go.
no more disappointments from me, or you. that's it.
zhinian -
it's like a...
thank God for blessing me with good results. i know i haven't studied well, but i'd passed every single test (except GP, cuz i didn't answer the question).
i'm in love. changed my blogg addy. hoping he won't see.
dear CHARLES TAY
i'm sorry to let you know, this infatuation-obsession is fading fast. we're just friends, as you'd claimed.
i want to know how you feel towards the entire issue. somehow, this enormous mental barricade got erected, surrounding you entirely. somehow i feel you don't want me to know a single thing.
i'm finding the reason to the answer you gave me that day in pasta mania. i think you caught my question wrongly, thinking i'd asked how did you know my most memorable moment was at the jetty, and your respond was because i said i was happy there.
reason why i was happy was quite because there and then i felt no restrictions, no expectations, no blemish. the last point is really the crux of the issue.
i've been brutally condemned, exploited, jeered, then dumped by YIP YONG HENG MARCUS.
it still hurts terribly.
to be in love, one has to learn to love himself/herself. that's what the bible mentions.
Greatest Commandment - TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOURS AS YOURSELF.
zoe's really nice to me, telling me i've grown up and stuff, and should think about my future. however, the bleakness just envelopes me subconsciously. i find myself trusting no guys.
your inconsistency towards your own feelings really scares me. how i wish you would say something really really clearly, like " ZHINIAN, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TREATING YOU AS MY YOUNGER SISTER. YES, I DO CARE A LOT, BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND. I'LL DO EXACTLY THE SAME FOR EVERYONE ELSE. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP TAKES SACRIFICES. IT'S NOT THE IDEAL DECISION TO MAKE NOW FOR EITHER OF US. I'M SORRY."
perhaps i'll be sad, but i'll really understand your point. let me present to you the other side of the wall. "ZHINIAN, I AM AWARE OF YOUR FEELINGS TOWARDS ME, AND I'M SURE YOU KNOW THE FEELING'S MUTUAL. YOU'RE ADORABLE IN YOUR OWN WAYS, PRAGMATIC, THINK MATURELY FOR A GIRL YOUR AGE, AND BEST OF ALL, YOU'RE SMART, AS I'D ALWAYS AGREED UPON, GOOD, AS WHAT GOD AND ZOE HAD FURTHER AFFIRMED, AND THOUGHTFUL, AS WHAT I'VE SEEN.
IT MAY WELL BE BETTER FOR BOTH OF US TO EXPLORE FURTHER BEFORE TAKING THE PLUNGE INTO RELATIONSHIP THAT MAY NOT LAST. IT'S A MEANINGFUL FRIENDSHIP FORGED I WOULD SAY, AND I HOPE WE'LL GIVE EACH OTHER TIME AND SPACE TO KNOW MORE.
IF, AT THE END OF THE DAY, WE BOTH AGREE IT WON'T WORK OUT, WE'LL BE BEST OF FRIENDS I PROMISE.
THIS YEAR IS CRUCIAL TO SHAPE YOUR DESTINY. STUDY HARD, GET WHATEVER ACES YOU DESIRE. I'M SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE. AS FOR ME, I'LL CONCENTRATE ON MY ARMY AND HOPEFULLY GET MY PROMOTION SOON, AS WELL AS GROW DEEPER IN THE LORD SO THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO LEAD AS A KING AND PRIEST IN THE HOUSEHOLD NEXT TIME. BUT WAY BEFORE ALL THESE, I'VE GOTTA SETTLE MY UNIVERSITY APPLICATION MATTER. LET'S HOPE EVERYTHING WILL FALL RIGHT IN PLACE FOR ME FOR THE GLORY OF GOD.
"
hahaha. this is what i think i'll be impressed over. i'm the kind who's very generous with praises, but seriously this will impress me a lot. but i doubt you feel this way. i don't know a single thing. -
haha!!
i managed to change my webpage name so charles can no longer see.
actually i sort of still like him. that's why i'm fearful of being hurt.
i'm becoming awkward in front of him. well, i'm shy. really shy. did you see the flushed cheeks of mine?
baby, i miss maddy so.
i'm meeting zoe and not meeting zoe. how?
maybe it's just so coincidental. or maybe even, God is testing me. woah...
i love love all of you.
vanice, have fun yea... angel watches over you...
huiyun and lewen, all the best for uni exam.
and charles, i'm sorry to tell you, i'm affected because of you. haix.
and gina, you're a nice gal. nice knowing you. -
i'm sorry
i'm extremely not receptive to change, especially a change that i do not expect, or something i don't wanna happen.
slippery slope. i'm falling... -
a mirror reflection that i see none of me
no longer i look forward to X seeing all these. i don't want X knowing a single thing about me. no.
i'm going into a transition. a transition that will determine my destiny. a transition that will be very difficult, draining, and likely emotionally tormenting.
look at my schedule. it has progressed to a 24h one, with 1/2 slots instead of 1h slots that i'm used to having.
life's tough. sigh.
how i wish i could do whatever i want sometimes, just sitting in coffee bean or library (JRL) and listen to some music, read my favourite national geographic and watch life past me by. just for one day perhaps. that would be beautiful.
besides javing failed my GP, i scored 28.5/40 in the recent bio test, 18/35 in the chemistry and 35.5/60 in math test.
tell me man. is that good? that's LOSER grades.
i'm drawing away from God. time and again i snatched what was his away. that one hour i gave to him to read the bible and pray. i'm slowly eating into his time.
1hour of daily quiet time.
7hours of sleep.
7hours of school at least.
if only i could cry. i'm really facing so much traumas with regards to my studies, with God, with my parents, with my cell group leader (i really don't know if i should continue to bother her), with all my classmates (i'm always so cheery and caffeine-high), with my life.
it's becoming TRASHY.
i don't want anyone to see this. not a girl, not a guy, not anyone.
i've stopped my diary writing somehow. am so busy nowadays. am so stressed up, but i gotta face up to the day nonetheless.
i remember God telling me how much he loves me, and how in him i will always be a winner.
will i?
i'm gonna participate in the school talentime no matter what others say. i'm just going there to experience how is it like singing in public, something i really enjoy.
and here it goes...
look at me. you may think you see who i really am, but you never know me.
everyday, it's AS IF i play a part.
now i see, if i wear a mask, i can fool the world, but i cannot FOOL my heart.
who is that girl i see, staring straight back at me?
when will my reflection show who i am inside?
i am now in a world where i have to hide my heart and what i believe in...
but somehow i will show the world what's inside my heart and be loved for who i am.
who is that girl i see staring straight back at me? why is my reflection someone i don't know?
must i pretend that i'm someone else for all time? when will my reflection show who i am inside?
there's a heart that must be free to fly, and that burns with a NEED to know the reason why.
why must we all CONCEAL, what we think, how we feel?
MUST THERE BE A SECRET ME I'M FORCED TO HIDE?
MUST I PRETEND THAT I'M SOMEONE ELSE FOR ALL TIME?
when will my reflection show, who i am inside?
this is a beautiful song from Mulan, Walt Disney Movies. it's sang by Christina Aguilera - Reflection.
='( -
resolved
believe it or not, i was stupid enough to think that your gestures were only friendly, in fact, misleading. you made me thought you had fallen in love, but not quite.
ahh.
i was wrong. very wrong.
you're the first to have escaped my 6th sense. first to have escaped my keen situation-awareness.
and i never ever thought you were smart enough to realise i had fallen in love secretly.
i planned to die with that secret. but guess i was either too "wood-y" or too "octopus-y".
gosh. god meant it for good and turned the situation around. -
fragments
dregs. debris. ruins.
i tell myself, i gotta be sure. be very sure shakespear is not alive. my brother tells me shakespear is alive, if i choose to believe he's alive.
he is a great man. so is einstein, dan brown, and darwin. charles darwin.
THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION BY MEANS OF NATURAL SELECTION.
what an awful theory. that brings me to my next point, how to go about telling people we are not apes.
in the beginning, God created man to live in heaven. however, heaven is a perfect place, so perfect, any blemishes found, one would be banished out from the paradise. and then there was God, a funky, friendly and wise personality.
God loved the things he created, especially those that resembles him, so much so he calls them his children. but one day, one of the only two human beings (then NOT called Homo sapiens) went against him and tried to prove that God is less clever and trustworthy than him.
well, obviously this man, adam, wasn't full of brains, enough brains to understand that God loved him more than he'd thought.
HEY HEY!! THE FRUIT WILL MAKE U LESS STUPIDER. AHH, I WON'T TRY EXPLAINING TO YOU, CUZ YOU'RE JUST TOO STUPID. JUST EAT IT WITH YOUR DUMB HUSBAND, AND PERHAPS HE'D LOVE YOU MORE.
this was the voice of the fallen angel lucifer, who wasn't really smart himself, cuz he got turned into a snake and got cast into a bottomless pit (called hell) after he told God he was more capable. there and then he tried to get more people to accompany him in the lonely bleak place, full of fear, selfishness and of course, sorrows.
yes yes, he got adam and eve to join him, and God was very disappointed, and asked them to leave. well, he could have killed both of them, but instead, he gave them clothes, what they desired for after eating the apple (alright, let me tell u, it wasn't an apple ok. it was called the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil).
that brings me to my first point. God didn't want both of them to also eat the fruit of the tree of life.
DID YOU REALISE THAT GOD PLANTED THE GOOD TREE AND THE BAD TREE IN THE SAME GARDEN AND GOD TOLD THEM NOT TO EAT THE BAD TREE'S FRUIT? they were allowed to eat the better fruit.
one reason why God didn't want them to eat that tree was because he wanted both of them to trust him instead of opening their eyes and letting them judge for themselves what was good, and what was not.
so they chose wrongly, and off they go.
because of that, they no longer know God, and so all of us don't know God, a funky, friendly and wise personality. ahh yes, he's a person. not a FRAGMENT OF IMAGINATION.
wonder who has seen him face to face before? ahh yes yes... moses, elijah, and abraham.
wonder who has LIVED WITH HIM BEFORE? only adam (and eve), and his son, jesus.
so who knows him well? ahh, who else, except adam and jesus. well, adam failed him, and jesus was still a concept he had (probably huh, i don't really know). so he decided to give "luck" a shot and sent jesus (he doesn't need luck by the way, but he doesn't force people to do things against their will). and so he hoped jesus, a miracle virgin birth, baby boy filled with the AUTHENTIC SPIRIT OF GOD, would find out one day he's supposed to do something his dad sent him to do.
what was he supposed to do? he had no idea. so day by day, he hear from God, and heal people of their sickness, impact his godly wisdom (you will be successful only if you work hard, and you are to be humble to make your way to the top), heal the broken-hearted, do miracles (help fishermen attract fish, share 5 loaves of bread with 5000 men and they eaten full and there were leftovers), cast out spirits from lucifer/satan.
he then realised, he came to earth just to die the most horriblest way. for something he hadn't done, and was accused of. blaspheming against God.
those who believe he died for me and you, and was risen from the dead, that he's the son of God are called believers.
buddhism is a great philosophy, a good way of life.
but why settle for a way of life that preaches abstention? why even settle for a way of life?
consider the better life you get when he's real, and he answers prayers.
sick? lousy results? bad relationships? moody? or even, just pure bad luck all the time, getting retrenched and into trouble?
the few most precious things he gave me includes LOVE, HOPE, TRUST, WISDOM, ANOINTING, GOOD RELATIONSHIPS, and best of all, hehe... revelations.
yes, i've prayed for people for healing, and they heal, both instantly and non-instantly.
yes, i've prayed for my maths test, and i managed to do everything.
yes, i've prayed for spirits to stop tormenting people, and they left.
yes, i've prayed for divine wisdom, and yes, i'm right many times because of HIM.
yes, i've forseen the future, propehsied, and they came to pass.
yes, i've discerned what's wrong with people emotionally, and maddy can vouch i'm 99.99% right, because of HIM.
he works. he speaks, clearly. that is why i believe in him. tested and proven to work. give yourself one month for trial period. you won't regret it.
that's the God whom i love. -
discuss the truth in "promises are meant to be broken
of course i don't agree.
but that's what i get, yet again.
that's not very fair, is it?
life ain't fair. life is never fair.
what can i say?
i choose happiness over disappointment. nevertheless, if i deny for another moment i'm not absolutely disappointed i'll go schizophrenic.
or should i say, i already am?
foolishness leads to one's demise. that includes me. -
haven't been reading my newspaper
it's all his fault man... i got addicted to reading newspaper... BUT IT'S HOLIDAYS NOW! i can't, or rather, am too lazy to get a copy.
it's been cold these few days, i'm freezing like mad... tomorrow's the conference... am so nervous, especially about what to wear, how to speak, how to sell my proposed solutions (resolution) to other "countries".
studies are going downhill. everything seem to be draining my energy away. and to think i challenged myself further by signing up for pre-university seminar (pre-u sem).
God, things are not going so smoothly. i'm starting to procrastinate, even in bible-reading, praying, fasting and whatever else.
i'm tired, tired of feeling electric current going through my brain, of the influx of Na+ ions and efflux of K+ ion. I'm tired of thinking. i just want to know, to be affirmed, that i'm good, i'm smart, and i'm loved.
God told me i'm a good girl. God told me I'm good, I'm smart and i'm loved.
what more can i ask for, i wonder?
when will i be able to sleep sufficiently, pray as much as i want, and excel in studies, as well as incorporating reaching out as part of my lifestyle, excellence as part of my principle, and humility as part of my calling?
yes yes. this is what i want. not money, not brains, not looks. strongly advocates for above-mentioned qualities to succeed in life.
and i missed out something. stop procrastinating. start doing. doing. doing...
i'm forever busy. or is this the call of God for my life, to be busy till he comes back? to invest and reap talents/minas? i don't need a bible scholar to verify. i know it so very well.
and dearest maddy, where on earth are you? rejecting my smses, you know you shouldn't. and jia xin's so very worried. poor her. she can't really take stress that well.
jia xin's sick. hope she's ok now.
and charles... and charles...
oh well. you don't need to know what i wanna say about him, do you? i'll tell him myself. haha. probably i really enjoy that. telling him things myself. heavy price to pay though. he knows it as well as i do.
4am in the morning. or is it 5am? good morning charles, i say, and i say it again. haha. but i don't mind. of course i don't. i was the one who called. wonder if he minds me calling. if yes, i'll never call again. i'm serious.
don't wanna disturb him. just wanna keep him company when he's free, and alone.
that's what friends are for right? i'll do the same for many other. however, not till 4am.
maddy knows it, charleston knows it better, God knows it best. i don't miss my sleep for anything. not even o levels.
right. i'm feeling happier after blogging, though it's all crappy here. haha...
clifford. tell me you're just being FARNIE.
*ALL THE BEST ZHINIAN! I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA DO SO FINE! MOST OF ALL, DO ENJOY YOURSELF. YOU KNOW YOU WILL. STUDY HARD ALRIGHT? IF NEED BE, I CAN HELP YOU IN GEOG AND MATHS. HAHA... I'D BE MOST HONOURED TO OFFER YOU TIPS. REMEMBER TO SMILE, NO MATTER HOW TOUGH THE DAY MAY BE, CUZ GOD IS BY YOUR SIDE. AND PLEASE, STOP MAKING ME REPEAT! YOU'RE MORE THAN GOOD. YOU'RE GREAT, PERHAPS AWESOME. YOU'LL BE A HIGH FLYER SOMEDAY, WHEN YOU CAN TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THE JOSEPH IN YOUR CG. IF NOT, YOU'LL BE SERVING GOD FULL-TIME, AND WHO CARES IF YOU FLY HIGHER THAN OTHERS, YOU'LL BE HAPPY YOURSELF. BEFORE I GO, JUST WANNA TELL YOU I LOVE SEEING YOU SMILE, CUZ IT'S ALWAYS SO GENUINE. THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT GREAT FRIEND, AND A SWEET LOVELY THOUGHTFUL SISTER. *
i'm going cranky. not enough sleep. i'm even talking to myself. but who cares, i enjoy it. wahhaha...
probably this is what i may like to hear. but i don't need to hear it. i have God to tell me to be strong and of good courage, fear not, do not be afraid...
i'm loving you more each day... wonder if you're aware...
zhinian
