storyoftheblues
Trust female - 42 years, Rotherham, United Kingdom
Blog 52
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Ohhhhh the joy...how happy am I that I got this message....I'm running round waving my knickers in the air looking for my webcam as a I type this.......I've waited all my life for this message.....someone finally wants me.....they want me for my body....they want to jack off so I can watch......
FFS......WHAT PLANET DO THESE LOSERS COME FROM??? WHAT MAKES THEM THINK AS A WOMAN I AM GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE WITH NOTHING BUT DISTAIN AND DISGUST???
My only response to this idiot is GET LOST JERK!!!!
they say a refusal often offends...he's lucky I'm blogging this as my reply in a pm would not have been so polite!!!! -
moody blues and ramblings
Ohhhh it's all fun and games here.....NOT!!!! As my friends know I had major surgery back in September....just a trivial matter of having a hysterectomy for my imagined problems...which turned out to be no imaginary after all
....anyway since the op I've had funny bouts of feeling ok to downright miserable....been weepy at times for no apparent reason which has been bloody annoying....now I'm not the sort to run to the GPs at the slightest thing....I'm an ex nurse and know how to deal with most things myself and just get on with it......but just lately with the Cami thing and bullying thing I haven't been feeling 100%, so thinking logically (1st time for everything) I decided perhaps a visit to the doctors would help in some way....
Now before I had the op I was well prepared, for the actually op, the anaesthetic and the recovery period.....what no one warned me about and I didn't know about (I never did gynae during my nurse training only obstetrics) was depression.......now I can understand women who have had to have emergency hysterectomys or those who've had to have one for things like cancer getting depressed.....they've had no time to prepare or become adjusted to the fact......I on the other hand actually elected to have this procedure done so imagine my surprise today when the doctor told me I'm suffering from something called reactive depression......the fact that I've no longer got a uterus is depressing me and I didn't even know it was that.....I just thought I was feeling a bit run down and stressed with the kids problems.....
The nice doctor has referred me back to see the gynaes again as I have a wound healing issue and also started me on the good old sunshine pill prozac....how ecstatic am I NOT!!!!! Apparently a small number of women a year form this kind of depression after this surgery....so maybe ALL women should be warned about this fact before the surgery takes place....I've been struggling on for 5 months thinking I was slowly cracking up and then find out it isn't me at all, it's my body and brain reacting to the surgery!!!!! So although I'm glad I don't have to put up with being crippled every month by pain to the extent it immobilised me, I just want to get on with my life, hopefully now I'll be able to again and sooner rather than later...... -
So proud of them
I cannot express how proud I am of my older daughters. My 11 year old was set Drama homework. This was to be on the subject of prejudice. She sat and thought it through.....as everyone else is working in groups and she was working on her own she drafted her older sister in with the teachers permission (they both have the same drama teacher). She did alot of research and came up with a piece of written work based on the bullying that she is going through......being picked on because she dresses 'emo'......She spent hours on the internet, we had lots of tears as she read and re read the Sophie Lancaster story......
In the end her written work is excellent, she has retold the story in her words and as it is about intolerance and prejudice she has not used any defamatory words like 'chav' to describe the boys who killed Sophie. Her older sister is performing the piece with her....as a news reporter, telling the story while my younger daughter is in the background reciting The Cutters Lullaby (which I've posted on this page as well)....Lotte my younger daughter is asking the school if they would at some point raise awareness of the SOPHIE campaign as well and she has my full backing for this...
So to my 2 beautiful, wonderful and kind daughters I want to say thank you.....thank you for making me proud....
Go to sleep and close your eyes,
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn.
You know the pain that they have endured
Silver metal shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right.
Dream of that blood trickling down,
And wake up just before you drown.
The moonlight shining off your tears
As you bleed out your worst fears.
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutters lullaby:
Hushabye baby, you’re almost dead
You don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red.
Your family hates you
Your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife,
Cause its all that you need.
Rockabye baby, Broken and scarred,
You didn’t know life would be this hard.
Time to end the pain you hid so well
And down you’ll come baby,
Straight back to hell -
Quick update on the bully meeting yesterday
Yesterday I had a meeting with my daughters student manager. Luckily I only saw the female manager who is approachable, sympathetic and is doing what she can to help my daughter and so stop the bullying. Now the main problem I had to face yesterday was not just the boys bullying her but also a teacher problem!!!
On Wednesday my daughter was approached by one of her other student managers. He told her 3 friends to walk on and had a 'quiet' word with lotte. The 'quiet' word consisted of him telling her that she had to toughen up, to stop coming running home to me crying over every little incident of name calling etc, he also stated that if she dressed differently, didn't have a piercing and didn't have her hair black she wouldn't be picked on, so basically she was to blame! She was the one causing the trouble by telling me!
To say I was a little annoyed on Weds evening is a tad of an understatement....my pee was boiling!!!!
I brought this conversation up with her other student manager and basically pointed out that Lotte does not need to come home upset for me to know something is not right......she had 100% attendance in the infants and junior school.....now she doesn't want to go, we have phantom headaches, stomach aches infact anything to get her off for the day, she has always been talkative in class and boisterous but now she is disruptive in lessons, even her behaviour has become aggressive and moody at home. As for her being a 'provocative' victim...she is not the only girl up there who has a piercing, who has her hair black and she certainly isn't the only girl who wears a living dead souls jacket! As for her toughening up, yes to a certain degree I am all for that, she is sensitive but then again that is not a negative side but is it easier for the school to make her a problem than dealing with the bullies themselves.
My main argument at this meeting was not the name calling....yes she has to learn to let that wash over her, she will get that no matter what, but it's the escalation of the bullying.....they have pushed her over, broke her property and spat at her which is assaualt....a boy of 15 was recently jailed in south yorkshire for spitting on a bus driver.....
Lotte was given a slip to allow her to leave school at 3 pm for the last 2 days before half term and has been referred to the PALS network within the school who are a team of people to talk to if they have problems. The boys in question are being dealt with by their student managers but obviously Lottes team do not know to what extent this is being seen through......
I have reassured school that the year 11s will not take any sort of action against these boys but both my daughters will be documenting any incidents of these boys approaching them in their formal school planners and I will be in touch if any incident should escalate into violence again.... as for her managers side, she was going to have a quiet word with the male teacher who spoke to Lotte on Weds....now I'm just sat waiting to see if this male teacher takes any further action against either of my daughters because of my complaining about him......but he can rest assured that if anything else gets said I won't be going to his co workers but to the head and then the governers......a 'provocative victim' is still a victim not a cause!!!!!! My daughter has the right to a good education in safe surroundings not to be too afraid to speak out about bullies for fear that she will be labelled as the problem!!!!! -
any realistic answers appreciated....
For years my middle daughter has been singled out and bullied, she has gone through various transitions due to this from being a victim to retaliating with violence. The Junior school adopted an attitude that she needed anger management to control her temper after yet another round of lads name calling, stabbing with pencils, putting wet towels in her coat pockets and then when one went to hit she fought back....now my daughter is not obese but neither is she small, infact she is tall for her age and at 11 is wearing a size 12 to 14 so if she hits someone of average size for their age, she bloody hurts and basically she gave this lad as good as she got....other incidents include yoghurt thrown all over her, lads punching her in the stomach and the list in endless.....
When she went up to the comp I thought that it would finally subside....I know when I went to the comp it was unheard of should a boy hit a girl, name calling etc was ok, but threats of hitting were frowned on by the older boys.....My 16 year old daughter has come home on numerous occasions complaining about the year 7 boys calling them names....infact one punched her in the stomach the week before last and the older boys are not taking it well at all.....
Tonight yet again my younger daughter has run in from school totally hysterical, sobbing her heart out.......her lovely headband snapped in half and a red mark on her cheek....again the lads have struck....she was waiting alone for her friends to come out of class....a group of 4 boys came over...1 has pushed her down while ripping her headband and a handful of hair out, another has either spat in her face or spat something out that has hit her in the face, another went to jab her with a ruler which she has snapped to stop him so her headband was snapped.....all the while 2 teachers stood nearby watching and another teacher walked past....THIS WAS ON SCHOOL PROPERTY!!!!!
So I've rung the school again....and again I'm going in on Thursday to have a meeting with the year 7 student managers...but this time I've rung one of the boys mums as well.....apparently it's my girls bullying their son!!!! That is why he has already been suspended twice for bullying in the past year!!! Thats why today I was very smug when his mum told me what my eldest had done to him today, apparently slapping him round the head and punching him in the back in the lunch hall......OH SHIT.....my eldest has been in bed all day throwing up so hasn't even been in school.......I'm beginning to wonder if he's capable of telling the truth....
So really I am no further forward I've already 3 meetings with the school about this and still it persists, yes my daughter is a bit of a handful when she gets wound up and yes she does retaliate but who wouldn't after all the provocation she has to put up with. I've telephoned the school police officer....oh yes...that was after the last incident and I'm still waiting for him to return my call.....I'm at my wits end with it all now and I'm not sure how much more lotte can take......I seriously think there are only so many times someone can bet told to go and slit their wrists or go and die before they actually begin to think they are worthless, she is already becoming withdrawn and uncoperative, disruptive in lessons and has shrinking self esteem.......how far do these boys want her to go??? Will they be happy when she has gone away to die??? -
A bell tolls somewhere
My life eternal darkenss
Dark and ceaseless night
Cold and barren heart
Searching for a light
No hangmans noose to comfort me
To breach the darkened days
So many paths, to left and right
A labyrinth of ways
My life an endless winter
Just black and icy sun
As a break again, reload
A bullet in my smouldering gun
The cold and empty heart of mine
A constant reminder to me
Of how you wear your heart so well
But I can't really see
And time stands still again
The silence all around
In fear I sweat and cry
As my heart starts again to pound
A gaze up from the depths
Of my own self exiled hell
Shouting to no one
Bring my book, candle and bell
No answer to my calls
No hands upon my hair
Just the cold and empty chill
Of my hearts lonely lair........ -
To celebrate the returning light
For Brigid Goddess
I bless with milk the sacred earth,
For Brigid you are invited
To nurture us with healing, fertility and gift of birth
(-Emley Flak)
Ibolc, Candlemas, St Brigids Day, Groundhog Day
Various terms used to celebrate this time of year.... 2nd of February.
It is the festival of light for all concerned and rebirth...the first festival of Spring. A time when the days are growing lighter chasing away the darker hours and harbringer of the earth awakening.
The Christians 'borrowed' it for Candlemas day and also for St Brigids day, turning the Celtic godess Brigid into their Bride and patron saint of smithcraft.
The Americans incorporated it into Groundhog day.....the tradition of which is based on English farmers who watched for emerging hedgehogs. It is said that the weather on this day will last for 6 weeks but in reverse, so a bright day will bring dullness and vice versa.
Brigid is mother nature in her fire form. It is a time to honour the female in her ripest form, she is the bringer of light, fertility, healing and poetry.
Everybody celebrates differently but for me it is time to clear out the clutter, clean the house to welcome Spring in, to make a Brigid's cross to hang over the door and to honour the earth as it prepares to give forth new life.
A cross can be made in various ways, it was usual crafted from wheat that was harvested at Lughnasadh, but can be made from two sticks of equal length, bound with silver and white ribbon, it is then placed over the front door to welcome her in to your home.
Milk is the traditional drink of Imbolc (roughtly translated it can mean ewes milk) so after the ceremony of light you can take the remaining milk and pour it onto the earth so Brigid may bless the earth and bring forth a good harvest.
As is traditional the hearth should be swept and a fire lit....ok I have to use the electric one in the dining room or a bonfire is good, but not always practical these days, I turn on every light in the house to welcome the sun back into my home. This is done at dusk as the light fades outside. Later on it will be candles on the altar (silver and white) .....you can put ice or snow on the altar as your water element as you say goodbye to the winter and remember the sun of Lammas as you welcome it's return and warmth.
This is also a good night to bless pets and wildlife, so leaving food out for the wild life is also a good idea. If you so wish you can ask Brigid to help with any healing, fertility and childbirth, she can also be called on to help with easing things like PMT and menopause.....she is a womans woman after all and understands the things that all woman go through.....ohhhhh and if you are male, you can ask for help also to ease your suffering at some banshee in full PMT mode screeching at you..... -
thanks to everyone I'm rolling with the punches again!!!!
I've had my ups and downs over the last 2 weeks...more downs really but as usual I come through them, have a rough day or so and then bounce back with avengence......the ups though have been hilarious.....no seriously.....the day Rach sat at the table on her laptop doing a quiz thing on facebook will go down as memorable....mum what does this mean??? mum what's that mean?? then came the all time classic.....for about the fiftieth time I got the mum??? I turned round and there she was....sat with her tongue poking out at me and trying to look at it, all the time jabbing the end of it with her finger then moving her finger away from the end and looking at it's tip......what you doing I asked....is my tongue sharp she asked??? This from a girl who already has a B+ in English that could be boosted to an A when she finishes the final paper in her GCSE!!!! To be honest that is not the half of it with her though...there was the time she put tea cakes in the toaster and set it on fire!!!! Then there was the phone call to college when I was in class...mum the cooker is on fire.....all she had to do was turn it on so the curry would cook....she turned the grill on instead and ignited a tea towel that was in there....that was a week before christmas 2007 after the workmen had rebuilt the kitchen and decorated it...
She's not accident prone or anything like that....more like an accident waiting to happen...and she says I'm ditzy at times...ok I do concede I can have my moments....the memory stick being the classic.....mum can I borrow your phone....what for....to put some pictures on my phone...so I passed her a memory stick....she sat tapping the stick against her phone, looked at me straight faced and said .....it's not working!!!!!!
These are a few of the funny things that have happened and these are the things that keep me strong and positive...they make life bearable when I am down and can't see a way to climb back up again.....it's being there for the kids that makes it my job to get out of bed in a morning, to keep the house tidy, clothes washed and ironed and food in the cupboards....it's my job to hold them when they are hurting, to listen to their problems, to hear the things they are not saying but the pain is in their eyes, to try and understand them when they don't even understand themselves, to be open and honest with them even when the truth hurts, but to take the punches that life throws at them and teach them to roll with them...
Rach may not know how to turn the cooker on, she may set toasters on fire, she may not have my sarcastic dexterity (yet but we are working on that) but she is a bright, well adjusted young lady who lights up a room with her smile, is still my baby when she comes to me for a cuddle and I'm damn proud of her for all she has achieved....as I'm proud of all my other kids...even little Jordan who piped up one day....I know Jesus's last name....we all sat quietly and waited for his words of wisdom...we were expecting Nazareth.....ohhhhhh no...not Jordan....he beamed at all of us and proudly said.....CHRIST!!!!!
I've got some great mates on here and even total strangers have commented on my blogs over Camomile and I appreciate everyones lovely words and kind thoughts....it really has helped me get through a rough time...so big
to all of you....take care and remember to keep smiling...it confuses the hell out of everyone xxx -
Closing the chapter
So I close another chapter on this book of my life. I laid to rest Camomile this morning with lots of tears and so much sadness....much like last night...it was hard to sleep knowing that he was just outside the backdoor waiting to be put into the cold earth, but his paw prints live on in my heart.
I have just been and bought some flowers and a thank you card for the woman who found him and then went on to take the time and trouble to search for me. It is the kind gestures of strangers like this that helps restore my faith in humankind as a whole......the thing she did for me she didn't have to do at all, she could have just disregarded him and I would have carried on hoping and praying that he would come home....but now I know and I have had the opportunity to say a last goodbye.
My other cats lined up on the windowsill to watch the proceedings....I know they were just being nosey...but somewhere in my heart I also hope they were saying a fond goodbye to their alpha.....
So a sad day for me and in the spring I will plant some camomile on his grave and get a nice ornament as a constant reminder of the love, devotion and companionship one furry little terrorist gave me.....
-
Farewell my best friend
After months of not knowing the truth has been delivered to me....
My beloved and eldest 1st cat Camomile went missing in October. We've searched for him, put up posters I even asked the postman to keep an eye for him...reported him missing to the RSPCA, PDSA and all the vets in the area all to no avail.
At tea time a woman knocked on my door to say she had found a black and white cat in her garden on Saturday.....further into the conversation I realised that she had found a dead cat in her garden. I waited for Mick (Rachs b/f) to come round and have a walk round to this womans house....
She showed me the body she had found and I just crumpled.....it is Cami. He looks to have been dead for quite a while. Mick has carried him home in the box the kind woman had placed him in and I will bury him at home in the garden tomorrow.
The really cruel thing here is.......he was found in the garden next door to the one that backs onto mine.....all this time and he was so bloody close. I've cried buckets over him and now I'm off again.
Cami was my cat....he adored me as much as I adored him....a bugger with everyone else....he'd let them stroke him for ages then just turn round and bite them for the hell of it....he even managed to knock a workman unconscious when they were putting my broadband in...he bit his leg, the bloke jumped and hit his head on the doorframe of the cupboard under the stairs....when he came round his only comment was "is satan aware you've nicked his cat?".....Cami spent hours curled up on the bed with me, on the sofa, he even came into the bathroom with me when I was in the bath and would sit on the side .....
So that's the end of what I hope was a wonderful life.....it's been the not knowing for sure that has been the worst for me, but now at least he is home and can be buried where he belongs and where his heart will always live on within me and the garden!
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