Blog 33
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Offer
I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day.
Since it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay
Inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special
Stickers I had bought for the sale.
I would stick several of them on my blouse,
Run outside, stick them on the appropriate items
And rush back inside. I did this until every item was labeled.
Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.
I noticed that as I was signing for the package,
He was looking at me strangely.
It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker
Still attached to the front of my blouse.
It read "Make me an offer." -
An old lady dies and goes to heaven
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven, and
she's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams Oh my God,"says the old lady,"now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo
I can't do this,"
says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
You can't go there,"says St. Peter "You'll be raped and taken advantage of "Maybe so, says the old lady but I already have the holes for that" -
Grandma's Boy friend
Grandma's boyfriend from the eyes of a child....
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
Heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture In focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yes, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
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Little Old Lady In Court lmao
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Bob died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard! -
A little long but worth it. LMAO
(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem! -
Grandpa and Viagra
There is a family gathering, with all the generations around the table.
The teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After awhile, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over THE FRONT
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I don't really know....
I had to go to the bathroom........
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!" -
SEX
A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you...it's the running after it that does -
Farm Wife
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the Telephone Repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. -
Where do people come up with this stuff lol lol
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN".
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE".
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY".
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION".
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE".
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER".
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY".
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN".
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS".
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION".
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION".
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
"STUPID PEOPLE" are now just "AWARENESS IMPAIRED". -
Congregation
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation; no one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his fore head with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"
P.S. 'isn't senility something else?'
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth