CDE /('')/'s blog

Driving licens

lovelost4me — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:31:59 UT

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that ou t?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

young couple

lovelost4me — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:27:53 UT

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"What's wrong with
your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No,
tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again asked:

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she
asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

Smallcox?"

Its hell getting old

lovelost4me — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:23:07 UT

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand,then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep.None of us could get the jar open"..

You know when you have a big family when......

lovelost4me — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:44:13 UT

...people count the number of your children out loud when you're in public

...you have at least three bunk beds set up in your home

...almost every other family you know has less children than yours does

...people ask you, out of the blue, if you are Mormon or Catholic.

...you buy your pots and pans in the restaurant supply store

...supposed "family size" food portions seem awfully small

...you outgrow your mini-van

...you've forgotten what it's like to be alone anywhere else but in the bathroom

...everything you buy is in bulk

...you dont understand the "only child" syndrome.

...whenever you set your dining table, it looks like it used to look when you were expecting lots of company

...you read a cookbook and joke, "They call these meals? Sounds like a little snack to me."

...it seems as if you pack more stuff going on a short trip than some people pack when moving their entire household.

...a trip to the local grocery store becomes a morning long adventure.

...your husband/dad sighs happily, "I've finally got my dream car"--and it's a used 15- passenger van.

...etc

Genesis 1:28
“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

Blonde

lovelost4me — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:40:31 UT

A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

She became annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the
entire cabin 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

rubber gloves

lovelost4me — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:37:56 UT

RUBBER GLOVES :
A dentist noticed that hi next patient, was a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a joke as he put on his gloves.
" Do you know how they make these gloves ?" he asked.
"NO, I don't" she replied.
"Well" he spoofed, " There's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and the workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip their hands, let them dry, the peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh well I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envious how condoms are made!"

Big baby

lovelost4me — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:35:39 UT

A Pittsburgh Steeler fan was drinking in a Cleveland bar, when he got a
call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Pittsburgh baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Steelers fan just shrugs and replies: That's about average back home, folks,
like I said, my boy's a typical Pittsburgh baby boy. He's gonna be a Pittsburgh
Steelers football player.

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations.
WOW! One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender says: Say, aren't you the father of that typical Pittsburgh
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about
how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers: Seventeen pounds.

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What happened? He
already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!

The Steelers fan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:

HAD HIM CIRCUMCISED!!!.

What am I doing so wrong??????Please help me

lovelost4me — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:14:59 UT

OO What have I dont so wrong?

I am trying to make a shout and it keeps saying that its not allowed

can anybody tell me what I am doing so wrong

heres the shout I wanted to post

I had a dream That 18 people wanted to be my friend But sadly it was just a dream

O and I would like to have some new friends too but only nice ones LOL

Love is like a butterfly

lovelost4me — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:45:54 UT

Love is like a butterfly

As soft and gentle as a sigh

The muli-colored moods of love

Are like its satin wings

Love makes your heart feel strange inside

It flutters like soft wings in flight

Love is like a butterfly

A rare and gentle thing

2-

I feel it when you' re with me

It happens when you kiss me

That rare and gentle feeling

That I feel inside

Your touch is soft and gentle

Your kiss is warm and tender

Whenever I am with you

I think of butterflies

Repeat 1

Your laughter brings me sunshine

Every day is springtime

And I am only happy

When you are by my side

How precious is this love we share

How very precious sweet and rare

Together we belong

Like daffodils and butterflies

Repeat 1

Love is like a butterfly

A rare and gentle thing

How do you..

lovelost4me — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:15:09 UT

Just had my first Cream egg of the year

How do you eat yours?.................................................

yummy

new shoes

lovelost4me — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 17:11:58 UT

cant believe what happened today

it was a minor miracol

I did the thing I say I will never do!! and thats go shoping with my son for new shoes
on other shoping trips he has spent hours and hours No joke going from shop to shop saying that they dont fit or I dont like them

well today I was cort off gaurd by hubby and was walked into the shoe shop with said son

he picked up a smart pair of pointed slip of shoes
he put them on and they fitted
he walked around the shop and said he liked them,

he said he wanted them

we were in the shop all of 10 mins could not believe it

almost feel over with shock

I know mad but if you know my son you will understand why i had the need to shair

rude joke dont look

lovelost4me — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 12:44:16 UT

Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds
of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three
phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

if you can see this please let me know

lovelost4me — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 12:50:33 UT

Just posting this with the hope thats someone will see it

I seem to have posted a lot of blogs and photos but when you go to Explore and go to new Blogs or Photos I dont seem to be able to see them

So please tell me if you can see any of my blogs Please

Getting so feed up with nobody comeing to see me Feel like whats the point whats the point of being here if my blogs or photos are not seen

want to make friends and chat with people come on or will just totaly give up on the place

shinning will..........................

lovelost4me — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:19:19 UT

Shining will: the carnal consummation
Of the holy fires kiss

Entrancing world of blood and heat
New visions upon which our eyes feast
New signs, open minds transcending pleasures pain
No craven whispers revealing strain
No more forgotten meaning

Nocturnal lives in hidden places
Burn brighter than those who claim the light
They cannot die for they dare not be born
Love lost, love scorned, love stabbed in the back
DAATH remains

more of love

lovelost4me — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:51:29 UT

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone, and an day to love someone...
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

It breaks your heart to see the one you love is happy
with someone else, but it's more painful to know that
the one you love is unhappy with you.

Love makes life so confusing, but without love

would you really want to live?

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.

Is it better for a woman to marry a man who loves her
than a man she loves.

love

lovelost4me — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:48:08 UT

Top 10 Lost Love Quotes

1. Washington Irving
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

2. Otomo No Yakamochi
Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

3. Anonymous
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

4. Jean Anouilh
There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.

5. Alfred Lord Tennyson
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

6. Kahlil Gibran
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

7. Margaret Mitchell
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

8. G. K. Chesterton
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

9. Samuel Butler
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.

10. Socrates
The hottest love has the coldest end.

and mybe

lovelost4me — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:41:03 UT

And maybe after this, we'll never see each other again.

And maybe we will.

And maybe I'll meet up with you again in 10 years, or maybe 20.

And maybe you'll still be single, or married. And maybe I'll be as well...

And maybe you'll ask me if I want to go for coffee, and maybe I will. Or maybe I won't because it could bring up old feelings again.

But for now, I'm not gonna worry about the maybe's or the what-if's;

I'm just going to continue living my life the best way I can.

LOVE

lovelost4me — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:36:54 UT

In your life, you meet people.

Some you never think about again.

Some, you wonder what happened to them.

There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you.

And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again, but you do.

You cant tell someone you love them & then change your mind. That's not how it works.

Once you love someone, you always love them, dont you?

Isn't there a part of you who thinks of him for no reason whatsoever?

They'll always be in the back of your mind,

and no matter how much you love someone else,

you'll always love them too.

drinks with the wife

lovelost4me — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:40:27 UT

A pissssssed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Present for the Mrs

lovelost4me — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:36:29 UT

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a
certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my
suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on
the mouth, and ran out the door yelling�I'll see you in two
hours!"

wife kills husband

lovelost4me — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:33:57 UT

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your husband in bed with a woman."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you get a pistol and shoot your husband, killing him."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your husband and not his mistress?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different woman every day!"

SORRY DO WANT TO SAY HI

lovelost4me — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:24:30 UT

If I pop by and don’t say Hi
Sorry I am not able I don’t know why
Sorry

Meatloaf Out of Hell

lovelost4me — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:13:23 UT

Out of Hell

Meatloaf

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling
Way down in the valley tonight
Theres a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye
And a blade shining oh so bright
Theres evil in the air and theres thunder in the sky
And a killers on the bloodshot streets
And down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising
Oh I swear I saw a young boy
Down in the gutter
He was starting to foam in the heat
Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world
Thats pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
Theres always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn

Bat Out of Hell -- Meatloaf

Bad Joke

lovelost4me — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:37:59 UT

One evening a man was at home watching TV and
eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air,
and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a
question - and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to
dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door,
their daughter came home with her date. After
being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut
out. The young man told the father to sit
down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of
his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and
yelled for joy. The young man insisted that
it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the
father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't
he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his
fingers, our son in-law."