ita Hatta's blog

Cross my fingersss....

itahatta — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 02:23:45 UT

I've been quiet lately.....Sebenarnyer banyak yg nak di cakapkan, but i guess i'm just waiting for the right moment.

i'm due for laparoscopy dignostic surgery tmrw, i'm bracing my self and i hope, the results comeout as nothing serious, but if they do find something, i think i still wanna keep my sanity intact and stay positive that i'm still lucky that they still find it early.

Wish me luck and thanks for your support

To sis sheema....I'm really hoping that i could wake up from the surgery, surrounded by 100000 chocolate truffle lollipops...heheheh

How much would u pay for LOVE?

itahatta — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:05:06 UT

My beloved friends, and sis, and bro, i think you are not gonna believe where i went just now during my lunch break. Ok la, tak yah main teka teki, straight to the point, i went to check out the service provided by a “dating agency”. Ok, don’t say a word!

It just some crazy idea from a friend. After for the Nth time, i’m looking at the calendar, and after remembering that few weeks ago, a very dearie friend of mine, ugut tak mau be my bestie anymore if i keep on finding reason to tell myself that i don’t want to get cozy with anyone because dia tak hensem la, tak cukup tinggi la, kerja government la, gaji i lagi banyak la, dia tak suka makan western food la....dan seribu satu macam stupid alasan lain that i always manage to come up with so that the subject of’ trying to get to know someone” can be dropped from the conversation, i think there’s no harm in just tengok2 jer the dating agency punya service.

So, long story cut short, the service package was:
Package a) 3 suitable suitor, hand pick to match both party’s requirement at the price of RM 1K, over the duration of 3 years.
Package b ) 5 suitable suitor, hand pick to match both party’s requirement at the price of 1.3K, also, over the duration of 3 years.
I goes..... “ What?!!!! ...wooohoho, i’ll think about it!”, and identify the quickest excuse to get myself from the office.

I remember that i used to gave answers to people who always question me, why am i still single, available and not so ready to mingle. My standard answer template has always been “ Hhhrrrmmm kalau kat Tesco ader jual calon suami yg sesuai, skrg jugak saya gi beli, swipe kreadit card pun saya sanggup, apply loan pun sanggup, confirm saya dah ader anak tiga dah!’
So, when the real situation really do exist, i’m stunned and ask my self back, “ How much did i really willing to pay for love”.

To tell u the truth, i don’t mind paying, its not because i’m terribly desperate kalau tak kawen esok boleh mati bunuh diri, but, face the fact, most of us, are so busy and occupied with works and by the end of the day, we are too exhausted to socialised, day in day out, we see the same old face everyday, sometimes we meet new people, but most of the time, this new people that we meet is either tak sesuai, conflict of work interest or simply “ TAKEN”. So tell me, biler la ader masanyer nak mencari Mr or Miss Right?. Nak suruh parents?...hhhrrrmmmm let me recall my Abah’s answer when i told him, “ Abah jer la carikan, lepas tu, bagitau tarikh, masa & tempat, saya datang la utk hari nikah saya”, he said “ Kepala hotak ko!”..

Back to the topic, like i said, i don’t mind paying, infact, if its gonna coz me 50K pun i sanggup, provided, the candidate is 100% guarantee, is my Mr Right. The problem is, i tak tau pun kalau he’s gonna turn out to be the 1. Even calon yg free ni pun i tak sure boleh pakai ker tak, inikan plak yg harga 50K, wow, that’s a very risky investment.

I think, i’m fairly a simple person, takder la requirement yang melampau-lampau sgt. Normal jer macam perempuan lain (when i say perempuan normal, that’s exclude perempuan materilistik, rupalistic, perempuan plastic dan perempuan spastic)

Financially, i think, i would feel ok to settle with a guy, where during the 1st couple of years of our marriage, we just tinggal in a small apartment jer, dah namer pun duduk berdua jer, buat aper la rumah nak besar2 sgt. But the moment, our babies had grown up and dah mula jadi hero & heroin, maybe its wise to move to a bigger place, say a corner lot,double storey terrace house. I would love to have the assurance that my kids could go out and have fun under the sun, playing, jumping climbing, without the fear of being chase or bite by anjing gila, or being kidnap by orang giler. Duit tu plak, tak yah la banyak sangat, cukup makan pakai, ader lebih utk parents and saving for the rainy days & other auxiliaries, then its fine by me. But kalau boleh, biar la gaji tu lagi banyak dari saya, bukan kerana aper, Cuma taknak la nnt my hubby asyik ulang ayat “ Yerla, gaji u kan lagi banyak dari i”. As much as i hate to say it, admit it guys, u do sometimes feel less superior with ladies who earned more than u, rite?.

Dari segi agama nyer pulak....hhrrmmmm, sepatutnyer mmg la nak carik pasangan yg tip top dlm department ni, tapi, ukur baju di badan sendiri la yer. My religious point ni agak liberal sikit, tapi masih improving, so, utk org yg macam saya ni, lulusan University Al Azhar ni, maybe bermasalah la plak nnt. Bukan aper, takut plak nnt lepas kawen dia cakap “ Ente kene berenti kerja sbb ana rasa, gaji ana banyak ini sudah cukup nak bagi ente hidup, ente kene terima hakikat, ente kene hidup dgn ana secara zuhud, naik motor sudah cukup, makan nasi dgn ikan masin hari2 sudah cukup. Jangan pergi kerja sbb ente kene pergi platform, kalau ente mau pergi platform jugak, ente kene pakai purdah 24-7, atau kita bercerai.”....Hrrrmmmm adoi, ader gak yg “ana” nangis 7 keturunan tak berenti ni kang. Iman yang terlalu perfect tu, maybe tak sesuai dgn saya pada masa ini, tapi at least someone yg tau halal & haram, mana yg tuhan mmg dah ckp “ NO” tu, sila la jauhi, mana yg tuhan suruh buat tu, selagi dapat, cuba la penuhi. Yang penting hati kene baik & ikhlas. Insya allah, biler hati tu ikhlas, and slalu ingat pd Allah, mudah-mudahan iman makin kukuh.
.
Dari segi rupa plak....hehehehh....mesti la semua org nak yang cantik jer, or yang hansem jer, but over the years, i’ve realised that the requirement for man with good looks ni actually merbahaya. I rasa, i mesti tak sanggup kalau ader perempuan giler, keep on bugging our marriage, just because she’s think my hubby is super hensem. Biasa-biasa jer dah la, asalkan i tak muntah 7 baldi everytime i look at him, than that should be sufficient. (ader ker org yg hodoh sgt sampai i muntah 7 baldi,...eermmm tak pernah plak rasanyer)

The most crucial factor i would have to say, is the compatibility factor. Someone who accept u & love u for who u r. Being the crazy, sassy ,don’t mess with me type of girl, i knew a lot of man out there feels like i ni tak sesuai nak di jadikan bini. But news flash abang oi, saya bukan nak jadi bini, saya nak jadi “ Isteri”. Marriage for me, is not about “own” ing someone’s life, its about 2 people who shares their life together. There might be things that both person share in common, but definitely lots of other things that both party did not, but at least, both party have to “agree to disagree”. And its also about respect, understanding and being fair.

I want to be with someone who bought me 1 pint of Baskin Robbin Choc ice cream not because i ask him to buy me 1, but because he enjoy looking at my jovial & delighted face when i open the fridge and found my favourite ice cream there. And i want to be with someone, whom when someone else says to him “ Eh, bini ko ni ganas lasak betul, tak feminine langsung!”, he would reply “ hhrrmmm bagus la, at least kalau aku takder, aku tak risau, kalau ader orang berani culik anak aku”. And i definitely wanted to be with someone whom agrees that the simple happiness means, waking up together on Saturday morning, spending hours just smooching, talking, giggles about lots of things in bed, rather than being overly obsess with trying to add another BWM on the existing fleet of Bentley’s, BMW’s or Ferrari’s in the garage.

I definitely wanted to be with someone who understand that relationship demands for sacrifices, some day, when my partner come home to me and said “ B, i got a great job offer and i really want it, but we have to move to Africa, would you leave your job and go with me”, I would want to say “ Yes” to him, coz i know he had sacrifice his career years before just to make room for me to establish my career.

So, friends, amacam.....? Should i give this dating agent a try???

Ooooouucchhh....... It hurt's !

itahatta — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:44:18 UT

U know, i hate something that is left hanging, i prefer some closure, even if it meant that it wont turn out to be like what u expected or as u wish it would be. That's just me, i just dont dance around the bush, i dont hide what i think & how i feel, I just need to let it off my chest so that i could breath easily and i could move on.

So after having days of unrestless tought, and after few more outing and after me ends up crashing at his place for the N-th time when he was ill last weekends, i finally had the guts to properly ask him out, via sms that reads something like this:

Me : Lan, what are u doing tonite?

Lan : I'm going out with my GF....

Me..( shocked) : What?...Since when did u have a GF?

Lan: heheheh.....lamer dah.

Me:...Ooooch...that's hurt a lot!

Lan: Babe...Ko naper?

Me (after keeping myself mum for almost 15 min) : Nothing, i just tot that i need to tell u that I LIKE U A LOT. But i guess i miss my train. It's ok, it wont make any much different now, rite?

Lan: Aiyaa.... Aku anggap ko mcm close frenz jer, sorry ko lambat sgt, anyway, thanks for liking me that much, at least, aku tak sakitkan hati ko dgn main kayu 3 kan.

Me ( bengkek+ sedih sikit) : Mmg la, at 1st aku pun look at u as not more than friends, but the dynamic of human emotion is most of the time unpredictable and uncontrolable. I didnt tell u any sooner coz i'm not sure of my own feeling and because i dont think i deserve u. Honestly, beyond skin deep u are more beautiful than me. U accept me for who i am, and that's what comfort me the most.

Lan:.............( gone with the wind)

Well, Just a reminder to the dearest ROZITA ( That's me).

1- Please remember that merely 3 years ago, u make promise to your own self that you'll never ever get involved in a relationship. I hate to remind u little missie, but this is definitely what will happen, unfortunately, your heart is unable to addapt to relapse of Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy! ( its science term for heart break!)
2- Please remember that u are also, intolerant towards the whole spectrum of human emotion. This alergic reaction sent your whole rational mind into anafilactic shock.
3- The next time, someone from your opposite gender, whom u did not share the same DNA genome with, lick your Baskin Robbin, without your permission, have the courtesy to kick them in their guts and demand for their explanation.
4-The next time, someone from the opposite gender, address you with the terms " sweetie pie, my dear, sweet heart', feel free to kick their groin and tell them " why dont u go to hell thru which ever door that you like and FCUK Yourself up"

Just a reminder to Male species in general and to Lan in particular:

I knew and i really do understand your needs to flirt around. But, could u guys be a little bit courteous to flirt with someone other than your good close girl friends/ buddy. Coz everytime this same things happen, its SUCKS that a good relationship have to turn sour. ITS SUCKS... Read my lips baby....ITS SUCKSSSS!!!!

Well, having said that, even thou its a bit heart breaking, i'm confident that I'm gonna be just fine. But maybe i need to gather all my girlie frienz, get my self heavily drunk with shots of finely pressed expresso ( yuks...can someone really get drunk from consuming coffee?....eerrr...owh yea..that's person is me!)
And probably on my way back from the caffe's to my apartment, i got hit by a car, whom the driver happens to be a very hot available doctor, who just invented the cure for a broken heart.

And while the doctor is busy checking for my dying pulse, maybe i can look at him and says.." Wow doctor, you're so hot...wanna get kinky with me tonight?".....

But for the time being, probably for the next 24hr...just allow me to say..." OMG ....Its hurts....OOOOuuucchhhh...Its really hurts.....OOOOOOUUUUUCCCCCCHhHHH!...... "

Somebody kill me please......

itahatta — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:06:46 UT

After 5 tahun tak jumpa, suddenly early this month, jumpa balik dgn my long lost male buddy, yg i dah kenal since zaman berhinggus masa form 4 dulu. So we hang out, talk, went out, laugh out bout lots of all memories. we went to the same school, even went to the same U, but we drifted a bit masa kat Uni coz i dated his class mate, and my then boyfriend, kindda jealous if i become close to other boys.

So we chat, and calls and bla..bla..bla, until one day, i wake up, to his sms, that says " Good morning sweetie pie". so, being the undoubtly commitment phobic, my sensor set off the alarm, and i start panicking. I just cant accept if this is happening. I mean. he's my close buddy, i enjoy having him around., but something "more than just friends", i dont think i'm equip for that.

Initially, i dont want to be more than his friends. For a very obvious reason that i've been alone for a long time, and i like it that way. I make plans to have kids, but i think i'm kindda forget to include "man" in the plans as well. So dont ask me, i dont know how i can have kids, maybe adopt, maybe sperm bank ( eer maybe not), so God help me. And besides, i'm use to being called " doll face"," little miss sweetie"..bla..bla..bla ( i dont make this up,and saya bukan perasan cun, saya tau saya tak cun, but saya tau saya tak hodoh giler !), so, sometimes, when we stands next to each other, some people called us, "beauty and the beast" ( kurang asam betul mulut diorg ni), in short, my friend ni tak hensem la! And also, because i love him, as my close friend, it would be sucks if we drifted apart and wasted a good friendship should things doesnt work out between us.

but to be honest, i have to sincerely say, that i am actually the beast and he is the beauty. As long as i can remember, Lan is the kindest, gentle, polite & understanding guy that i had ever met. when ever i'm with him, i had never feel afraid to be the real me, and he never judge me for who i am, even thou my level of craziness ni kekadang mcm takleh diterima dek akal fikiran. Of course he do complaints every now and then, but, he never fail to mentioned, that he also accept me for who i am. And he really does understand me, we both come from almost the same background, two people who come from a broken family.

So, for the past days, i'm a bit confius, and freaking out too. My girlie friends, whom always become jumpy and overly excited, whenever they see any sign of berkemungkinan ader romantic relation might exist, keep on telling me that " HE IS INTO U" and " U should date him". In fact, i think, those phrases, are the most famous phrases of the week.

However, few things that happened, make me thinking, maybe its just nothing, maybe i over asses, the situation. maybe he dont mean anything. he could not possibly feel any thing towards me, i mean... we are BFF, we are meant to love each other, as a friends. Realising this, i feel a bit embarrased, malu pun yer, bengkak pun yer, sedih pu nyer, lega pun yer, patah hati sikit pun yer.

tapi on top of the feeling chart, i feel like, marching to him, tampar dia laju2 and says " Lain kali kalau ko antar aku sms yg confusing camtu, aku bunuh ko, kalau ko bagi kunci kereta baru ko tu suruh aku drive, aku bunuh ko gak, ko panggil aku hot girl, aku bunuh ko gak, if u said the phrase " i accept u for who u are"...pun aku bunuh ko gak!.. if u ever send me mixed telephatic sign to my defect mind, pun aku bunuh ko gak. Lain kali ckp terus terang!

tetiba terasa diri ni mcm minah over perasan la plak, hey its not my fault ok, he send me all the mix signal, mana la i tau cam mana nak interprate. I feel like killing my self due to this embarassment, but sbb bunuh diri tu berdosa, can somebody kill me pleaseeee....

It comes with the job

itahatta — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 10:10:34 UT

Yea, we had never been told that, with each step that we manage to climb, on the corporate ladder , lots of other things also comes with it.

The needs to keep yourself update, the need to polish up the communication, management public relation and human resources management skills. The needs to dress to impress and at the same time to project the image that the company wanted to.The behaviour, the attitude, the ever changing crowd, the protocol and stuff.

However, above all, are the needs to polish up one's ability to gauge if certain staff is actually kissing your ass or if they are simply and honestly good at what they do.

Suddenly, i really miss a great comforting hug.it really is lonelier( is there such word as lonelier at the top.

To perempuan giler:

aku tak paham aper masalah psikologi ko la pempuan giler, tapi kalau ko nak buat muka tak puas hati sbb aku tegur disiplin ko yang mcm haram tu, aku mmg rasa ko patut carik kerja lain la. Aku ni boss ko la, SETAN !

Sedang membayangkan menolak perempuan giler jatuh dari tangga sambil buat muka penuh satisfaction........... ...alangkah bagusnyer if dream cames true ( but of coz ler, saya tak kan merealisasikannyer, i dont have plan nak bermastautin secara tetap dlm jail yer !)

The New Malay Dilemma

itahatta — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 02:25:45 UT

Excerpts from a speech given by Prime Minister Mahathir Mohammed at the Harvard Club of Malaysia dinner on 29 July 2002.

When I wrote The Malay Dilemma in the late 60s, I had assumed that all the Malays lacked the opportunities to develop and become successful. They lacked opportunities for educating themselves, opportunities to earn enough to go into business, opportunities to train in the required vocation, opportunities to obtain the necessary funding, licences and premises. If these opportunities could be made available to them, then they would succeed. ......

.... But today, the attitude has changed. Getting scholarships and places in the universities at home and abroad is considered a matter of right and is not valued any more. Indeed, those who get these educational opportunities for some unknown reason seem to dislike the very people who created these opportunities. Worse still, they don't seem to appreciate the opportunities that they get. They become more interested in other things, politics in particular, to the detriment of their studies. In business, the vast majority regarded the opportunities given them as something to be exploited for the quickest return. ...... They learn nothing about business and become even less capable at doing business and earning an income from their activities. They become mere sleeping partners and at times not even that. Having sold, they no longer have anything to do with the business. They would go to the government for more licences, permits, shares, etc. ....

.... Why has this thing happened? The answer lies in the culture of the Malays. They are laid-back and prone to take the easy way out. And the easy way out is to sell off whatever they get and ask for more. This is their culture. Working hard, taking risks and being patient is not a part of their culture. It should be remembered that in the past the Malays were not prepared to take up the jobs created by the colonial powers in their effort to exploit the country.

Because the Malays were not prepared to work in rubber estates and the mines, the Indians and Chinese were brought in. At one time, the migrants outnumbered the Malays. Had they continued to outnumber the Malays, independent Malaya would be like independent Singapore.

But the Malays have apparently learnt nothing from the near loss of their country in the past. Today, they are still unwilling to work and foreign workers are again flooding the country. And because they are not equipping themselves with the necessary education and skills, they have continued to depend on others. Their political dominance will protect them for a time. But that dominance is fading very fast as they quarrel among themselves and break up into small ineffective groups. Their numerical superiority means less today than at the time of Independence. ....

.... The Malays, together with the other Bumiputeras, make up 60 per cent of the country's population. But in terms of their political clout, it is now much less than 60 per cent. They are now more dependent on non-Malay support, both the government party and the opposition. Economically, of course, they have less than half the 30-per-cent share that has been allocated to them. If we discount the non-Malay contribution to the nation's economy, Malaysia would be not much better than some of the African developing countries.

To succeed, the Malays must change their culture. They must look towards work as a reward in itself. They must regard what they achieve through work as the true reward. There should be some financial reward but this must not outweigh the satisfaction obtained from the result of their work. ....

.... Changing culture is far more difficult than changing the policies of government. It is easy enough to propose affirmative action but it is not easy to implement it. The recipients must have the right attitude if the results are going to be obtained. .... Unfortunately, their view is that their crutches are symbols of their superior status in the country. The sad thing is that they are not even using the crutches properly. As a result, they gain nothing or very little from the availability of these aids. ....

.... So what is the new Malay dilemma? Their old dilemma was whether they should distort the picture a little in order to help themselves. The new dilemma is whether they should or should not do away with the crutches that they have got used to, which in fact they have become proud of. There is a minority of Malays who are confident enough to think of doing away with the crutches, albeit gradually. But they are a very small minority. Their numbers are not going to increase any time soon. They are generally regarded as traitors to the Malay race. ....

.... There will be a host of protests over this generalisation about Malay attitudes. We read almost every day about blind Malay people and other handicapped Malays graduating with university degrees or driving cars or doing all kinds of work. This does not prove that the generalisation that I make is wrong. These are exceptions. They only prove that if the right attitude or culture is adopted, even the handicapped can succeed.

The dilemma faced by those few who want to build a strong, resilient and independent Malay race without crutches is that they are most likely to end up becoming unpopular and losing the ability to influence the changes in the culture and the value system which are necessary. It seems that they should not try and yet they know that without the cultural changes, the Malays are going to fail.

I need help.........

itahatta — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:48:33 UT

Hish masalah- masalah. jadi leader ni is not all fun and play. It is actually more and more responsibilities. Pening kepala ni.Saya ader masalah, and boleh ker friends here tolong bagi idea how to overcome this.

My company and my new boss:

Very2 liberal and flexible, boleh masuk opis lambat tapi kene la balik lambat jugak. Sponsor half of the monthly parking ticket fee, reimburse half of the staff phone bills and everyone personel broadband. Half day leave is un acceptable ( kalau nak half day just inform leader and go-save your half day leave for long holiday and better things). Gaji always masuk on time. Dress code tak kisah, jeans pun ok, as long as semi casual and only go casual during meetings with vendor or client. The only things that matters is WORK PERFORMANCE & DISCIPLINE.

MRS A:
Datang opis never earlier than 10.30 am. Balik pulak sentiasa on time or earlier. every week at least sehari mesti tak datang opis due to sakit ( but never produce MC). When given assignment to be completed, never completed on time, sometimes tak complete langsung sampai boss naik angin or sampai saya naik berbulu and buat sendiri. Communication in english very bad ( on scale 1-10, i gave 2). The last time i call her into my room to gave her assignment ( i'm project engineer, so MRS A is answerable to me), she slump on the chair across my desk with one leg up on the other chair- her excused is since become pregnant 2 month ago, kaki slalu sakit!. But the problem is, even before marriage pun, MRS A never come to the office no earlier than 9.30 and always go back at 5 sharp, never complete her assignment. Pergi bank or take time off from office berjam-jam and always bawak another colleague, and sangat di benci oleh low level staff and trainee sbb suka membuli budak2 to do assignment for her.

I had one time naik angin last 2 weeks and told some one in this office that close to her to advise her to fix her attitude coz if i'm the one that call her into my room and give her piece of my mind, I bet sentences that comes out of my mouth is definitely going to be sangat menyakitkan hati dia. but so far, tak banyak perubahan pun, still dtg opis sesuka hati mcm ini company bapak dia yg punya!

The problem is, she is my team member, and i'm the leader for this project. Her work performance and discipline will definately reflect my ability to lead this project. I mmg dah lamer terpikir nak terminate jer minah ni, but neither i nor my boss sampai hati nak buat cam tu. So any advise on how to kick this mold out of my team without being a she devil?......

HELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!

It's aint easy...its complicated.

itahatta — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:33:38 UT

Its been a while since i last wrote anything. I'm not that busy since the past 1 month. It just that i'm taking time off from almost everything, including work. There's no specific message that i need to convey in this post, i just feel like writing something, a free writing.

When i was diagnose with " borderline personality disorder'' 3 weeks ago, i spend the 1st 24 hrs trying to digest the fact. No, i'm not crazy or mentaly challenge, i'm just having a little personality and social disorder. I dont feel like eleborating about it more, but in short, i just wont have a normal relationship with adults like anyone else. Actually part of me feel a bit relieve, since i manage to identify that there is actually something wrong with me, and manage to get some help fast. I'm glad that the worst period are over, but i also knew if i did not seek for help, there always tendency for relapse. So here i am, attending my bi-monthly psyciatric therapy. I'm feeling much- much better now, i guess it's true about what everyone said, that the first step of recovering is actually acknowledging. Its funny right?, someone who looks very much normal like me, is actually someone who really need some help with my emotional disorder.

Does this mean i'm not happy with my life?...i'm actually much happier now. I'm re-organising my life, changing my priorities, mapping out my new plan. i'm not sure what the future hold, but i'm quite positif that it wont be easy but its definitely serve all the purpose of living.

I turned down the offer as one of the shareholder in the new company, and so did my new colleague, Faisal. To most people, this is a really good once in a life tim opportunity, i think so too, but i also realised, to me , now, money is not really everything. Again and again, money cant buy me the happiness that i'm looking for. I dont expect people to understand why i took this decision. But all i have to say is, i dont think i want to be greedy enough to take up too much responsibility, more than what i can actually bare, and end up having to increase my frequency for my psycological theraphy. i dont think its wise to take up so much responsibility to the point where under extreme stress, thinking about suicide is something that u do on daily basis.

In the time being, i think i would just happy to settle with my 45% increament in salary, a new work responsibility in process design, my own bigger room, with my name plate on the door, the freedom to arrange my own work schedule and that 20% share that i need to share with 4 other colleague.

And that other department of my life, yea that department. It's not that i wont have any relationship at all, it just that i couldnt have the normal relationship like anybody else. It simply mean, that i cant be with just any ordinary male, i have to be with that extraordinary man who really undestand why i'm not like any other normal uncomplicated woman. To be honest, scanning the atmophere around me, i think such man, is very rare, i might be lucky if i manage to find one, like i said, they are not normal man, they are extra ordinary. I have to say, knowing that fact, is a bit dissapointing thou, its dissaponiting to know that there is this emptiness inside your heart, the void that is still consuming your feeling, like the black hole that consume everything in its path, to know that it is almost impossible for you to find that imperfect someone that would fit u perfectly. Did i sounded desperate by saying this?, I dont think so, its not desperate, it just an honest confession. I didnt expect anyone to under stand, beacuse i knew that its aint easy, its complicated.

Honoring the men....... Part 1

itahatta — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:23:18 UT

Honoring the men…

Maybe some men would love this specific post of mine, but maybe some wouldn’t, well, I cant care less, for to me, this is a very honest piece of writing, that I dedicated for all men out there.

Few days ago, I spend time watching couple of movies, namely the 300 and “Men of honour”. Actually this is not the 1st time I watch this 2 movies, but I always have the same admiration towards both King Leonidas and Chief Carl Brashear.

I really adores both man. No, not because King Leonidas have that marvelous 6 pack abs or because Brashear AKA Cuba Gooding Jr is a sweet looking chocolate man. But because of the manly persona and character that this both great actor portrayed in both this movies.

I know, most of the time I do sounds like another super perfect- don’t mess with me- feminist, but hey, like I always said, don’t judge a book by its cover. As funny as it may sound, I do look up to man. And had always believe that a man’s position should always be a level better or higher than their woman. But then again, I also believe that such stature is not one’s birth right, I believe it is something that one’s need to earn.

Definition of a man to me are deliberately vigorous. I think, I’ve read enough books, heard enough life stories, spoken and mingle with enough male species, to allow me to define the things, the criteria, the sign, the behavior of a real man.

I think in comparison to woman, man makes a great leader, but as a leader, a great man not just lead and gives order and commands, they also listen, they understand and they as well tolerate. A great man are not afraid to identify his match, not just in other man, but woman too. A real man, to me, is not afraid to stand up. To stand up for what he believes, for what he thinks is right based on his wise mental & emotional judgment, even thou if it would meant that half of the population is against him. To stand up and protects, not to stand up and attack,

He’s not afraid either to stand up and admit his mistake when the occasion arrives and above all, not afraid to stand up for the one that he loves and cares. And real man too, not afraid to be honest, towards himself and to others. To speak of the truth even thou it hurts. Honest to his own life principle.

And I believes great man makes a great educators too, the type who did not only read books or tells stories, but the ones who set up examples to others. The one who not just talks, but he walks the talks too. The type of educator who not only educate others but educate himself too. And definitely great man makes a great lovers too, not just to his better half, but towards other people, other creatures. His muscular arm, not just offers the safety and security, but also exhibits his tenderness, the warmth of his touch, the tender of his feeling.

I would love to go on and on...about praising a real man, based on my definition...but i really have to go...the tour guide is waiting. This is a product from someone who woke up at 4 in the morning.

Escaping reality

itahatta — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:40:18 UT

I’m currently in Kuching, for my 1 week holiday. I’m trying to rejuvenate myself and my life, the truth is, i’m trying to escape the reality for a while.

I know, we have to stay positive as much as we could. I know that we should count our blessing and stuff, but i cant help to feel a bit demoralised currently. What should one’s do, when one’s cant help to think that one’s whole life was nothing but cursed. Yea, i cant help but to feel that maybe my whole life, i was cursed.

Sometimes, i do feels that my confidence and my ambitious attitude, probably just another cursed to me. I work meticulously hard, to get to where i am now, and i alwaysknow that i’m that type of person that always wanted more. Not because i’m greed but because i think that life without purpose, without hope is meaningless, and probably because i was born that way, species yg tak tahu duduk diam. To me, it was never about the destination, its the journey that matters more. But i don’t know why, but i’ve realised that, i’ve work so hard to sit at the same table with the big boys, only to realised that the food is actually poisoned. And no matter how hard i try to nicely climb the corporate ladder, i end up making more foe than friend. Am i really that bad?

Again and again, i keep on saying, I knew that i’m not a supermodel, but i knew that i’m not ugly either. And i’m neither a 5 years old nor an idiot, i know how the world works. I knew when the opposite sex is saying something, i can actually read what they are thinking. Most of the time, i wish, man would want to strike a conversation with me, because they adore my deliberation and my character, more than they adore my vital statistic. And most of the time, i wish people would stop judging and labelling based on first impression. I always hope that people would realised that look can be deceiving, and most of the time, it does.

Syukur Alhamdulillah, thanks to my non stop travelling since 3 months back, a very handsome amount of cash were deposited to my account this month. And with that amount of money, i m able to settle off a loan and terminate few credit card. I manage to turn my newly rented apartment from trash to a very comfortable liveable bachelor pad. As Yuzi were helping me with the new apartment last week, she told me, how she envy what i have now. I don’t feel flattered, in fact i feel sad. I told her to never again, wish that she could have the same life as i do now, coz she have no clue, what’s it like to be me. Maybe, God is kind enough, to help me in this financial department, and i know, that i need to be grateful, but if only people really knew what its like to be me, i bet that they would agree that i would very much trade lots of things in order to get few other things, that this people, whom consider themselves as the one who is not so lucky in wealth, take for granted. I don’t feel like elaborating, but like i always said,.......I agreed that almost every thing in this world is money, but money is not everything in this world, and sadly, money cant buy me the happiness that i’m looking for.

Last week, someone told me, he thinks that i don’t know the purpose of my life. I told him, that he is wrong, for i very much knew what i want in my life. When i think about it, again and again....I think he was right.

I don’t know, currently, i don’t feel like challenging my fate, even thou i’m the type of person who always refuse to accept defeat. But today, i think, probably its good to let fate take me to where God has destined for me to be. Probably, i should start to accept that “something are definitely beyond our control”. But for now, just allow me this time where i can escape from this cruel reality.

Me space...me time

itahatta — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:58:38 UT

I'm building another layer of solid concrete wall around me, and put a sign that says, " Stay away".

I'm currently in my " me" mode now. Me mode means, everything have to be about me, infact, if i could i would make the universe revolves around me. But luckily that would be impossible, or else, i would be extremely sure that the universe will vanished in just fraction of second, coz being me, i knew i have the worst ability of maintaining things in the right order, thus i knew for sure, everything in the universe, would be in the collision course with each other.

I've just move into this new apartment, renting of course. But the best part, i rent it all by my self. I'm always the type of person who appreciate my "me time & me space" more than anything. Its not that i'm an anti-social freak, it just that i hate crowd, and love silence more. But that does not make me a quiet person either. I came from a very loud family, and i'm loud too, especially with close frenz and with those who are close to me. But in general, i think we Malaysian, socialised too much, and most of the time we are bad at it.

Example: ever found yourself stuck in one of those gathering where lots of your relatives gather for makan-makan plus tanya khabar ( in other words means mengumpat and boasting around), yea..that one, that family gathering. And worst during those moment you always found yourself being ask a dozen of ridiculous question from this nosey relative, that u swear, if killing is acceptable, than you are actually had developed an amazing skill at it. Socializing the “Malaysian style” we tend to over look the aspect of privacy in our conversation. Seriously, i don’t know about u guys, but i cant help to feel a bit offended when people either ask or make sarcastic assumption bout my honest earning, my still -bachelor-and-happily –ambitious-dont-- have -plan- to -settle –down attitude, and find the idea of “ u have to love rendang just because u are a malay” a bit irritating, I HATE RENDANG.......I HATE RENDANG. Need me to elaborate more?, i guess everyone got the idea.

Look, i’m not a very bad person, it just that i like to keep my distance with strangers, and when i mean strangers, it means that those are the people that i did not have my trust into. Doesn’t matter if u are my cousin, but if i fail to feel the connection and the emotional safety in her/him, with all due respect, i’m sorry but u are still a stranger to me. I don’t however build my trust based on the time that i have known someone. But based on how i feel when i’m with that someone. Its difficult to explain, its something got to do with the instinct and the feel factor. Well, i guess the hearts know what the mind didn’t.

And when i’ve become so close to someone, so close to the point where u can even sip my latte from the same straw that i’m using, trust me, u can talk about anything even as ridiculous as planning my wedding reception with Optimus Prime. Yeah, u read it right, it’s Optimus prime, from the Transformers. I suddenly found my self falling in love with that hot truck. He’s so charismatic ! OMG...I’m getting worst, i fall in love with virtual alien robot.

Why did i write this?...nothing, just lately, peopel been questioning bout my individualistic attitude more often then before, and yes, thanks to this things that we all called "STRESS" i choose to withdrawn from people in order to avoid my sarcastism to hurt other.And l can't beleive that last monday and tuesday, my boss make me attend the "CRUCIAL CONVERSATION" course. WHAT???????

P/s: Speaking of transformers, i’ve watch the sequel- just got to say, that i’m a bit disappointed. Don’t feel like elaborating.

Tok Bah

itahatta — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:50:17 UT

I called him Tok Bah, or sometimes i called him ' Abah'. Apart from my other cousin, Kak Ngah, I'm his only grandchild that called him " Abah'. My baby sister, Ninit, and me, are his favourite. But then again, i choose to cancel my leave today and get back to the office.

I honestly feel bad, i feel like a sore loser. When my Umi called last Thursday to inform me that he is getting ill, i've intended to spend the weekends visiting him. For some funny reason, my family and i knew that Tok Bah is not going to get better, even he himself keeps talking bout this. he recites his last will, and keep on telling us how he wanted to spend his final days in his own house, the same house that my family and me has been living in for more than 2 decades. He also talks about how he wanted us to bury him.

When i was a child, my grandpa use to tell us stories. Stories bout the time he spend in New Guinea during the WWII, stories bout his first few years as the first settler of the Felda that we are living in, stories bout his kids and stuff. Back then, i used to enjoy listening to his stories, but as i grow up, i took for granted the effort that the old man is trying to make in striking conversation with me. I grew so obsess with the TV instead. And when i was a kid too, i always snuggle him, everytime i get that spooky feeling in the middle of the night. But as i grow older, i always keep my distance.

My grandpa, like any ordinary traditional malay man, has funny way of exhibiting his love. Last raya, he secretly hand me the 'duit raya" when i make a fuss in front of everyone and stomping my feet demanding my "Duit raya". Few years back, when i told him that i'm getting married, he spend days planting pinnapple at the back yard, and assures my parents that those pinnnaples would be ready to be consume during my wedding day few months later. My Ummi told me, lately, he talks about me a lot, more often than he normally did.

I choose to cancel my leave today, not because i didnt care about him. But being the emotionally handicapped, i actually choose to run away from all the emotional ordeal that i've been experiencing everytime i look at him. He look so different since the last time i saw him a couple of month back. He look so ill, his hearing is badly impaired, and he cant see that well anymore, but amazingly, he recognise my face. I knew, he knew and everyone else's knew, that this time, he is not getting better.

Its funny thou, he just sat there on his chair when his kids kiss him and ready to go back to KL yesteday, but when it was my turn, he struggle to stand up and walked me to the car, and say a few last advise about life to me. I try to pretend that i was not effected by his gesture, i guess i did for a moment, before i start to realise the first symptom of denial appears only minutes after i leave the house. I was mad and angry, all the way from Johor to KL, i was mad at the workers who take such a long time to prepare my order in the cafe this morning, i was mad at my besties who wake up late, i was practically mad at everything. But then again, this afternoon, while trying to finish up my progress report, i realised that i'm actually silently weeping.

Being me, its hard to exhibit my true emotion, i was never good at showing my emotion other than anger. I rarely wears my heart on my sleeves. I associates being emotional with the sign of being weak, and weak, is something that i have no intention of becoming one. I normally run away and burried myself with my work, so i could be spared from all this emotional thinggy. But at this very moment, i do regret a few things, i regret not knowing how to tell my grandpa that i really do wanted to make use of this little time we have trying to be close to each other, i regret not knowing to treat him right, not knowing what to say, and above all i regret not knowing to tell him that i'm actually greatfull that he is my Tok Bah.

Old and beautiful......

itahatta — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 12:21:10 UT

Did we need to swap our body, and become someone else in order to understand our own self?... I dont know, i didnt have a clue. I've never swap my body or my soul with someone else before.

Its been month since my last post. I knew and i always knew that i love to write. I actually like to share stories, i like to share my thought with strangers and talk for hours and in the end we wish each other a great day ahead, without even wanting to know each other's name. Funny, but sometimes we find solace, and understanding in the face, smiles and words of a strangers. I did that, too many time, but that was quite sometimes ago. When my life was not too hectic, when time is all that i have to spare,in order to fulfill my hobby of just sitting at one secluded corner of this world, and did nothing but watching people pass me by. Watching how human and this world actually behaves, trying to understand other human being as if the actuall things that i'm trying to do is to reflect it back to me in order to understand my self.

Within 3 days time, i'll be 28 years and 3 month old ( or should i say young. Getting older, as the clock keep ticking, all that i wanted to do, is to get to know this amazing girl that stares back at me everytime i look in the mirror. Apart from that lucious lips and that crooked nose that i like, i wanted to know more about her. After all, we've been together since the last 28 years and 3 months. I knew that she likes fish but hates sushi, she loves to be near the water but as well a hydrophobic, loves to travel but always homesick. Hates the hot weather but also feels that aircond is so un naturale. She's also kind, but extremely rude sometimes. She wears a ring on her wedding finger, but prefer people to address her as "Cik". She is none other than me. But there's still lots to learn about this girl.

I'm not afraid of getting older ( well at least not for the next 5 years- i pressume). I think age is just a number ( well, this comes from someone who have yet develop crow's feet around her eyes). i honestly loves my physical now, compare to the one that i have 10 years earlier. The right curves, the right texture, the right colour, all in the right combination to make me feel just perfect. And i definitely like the way i behave now, compares to 5 years ago. I no longer stompping my little feet to get what i want, in fact, i realised that a sweet smile and the right tone of voice, works better and faster, the arts of being a woman. And i honestly love how my IQ & EQ's score increase exponentially with times, it just marvelous.

With these, i realised now that i dont need to change too many things about myself ( except the baked tan that i have been developing due to this site work- anybody knows bleech that works. But i do feel pity to many woman out there who cant help but wanting to change everything about herself. How sad, how could others love oneself when one does not love her own self?. But hey, i'm just another ordinary human being, whom still very much subjected to the physical, emotional and mental stress every now and then, so spare me, i also do need to just cry, or stomp my "no longer" little feet, or just choose to becomes too lazy to even blink my eyes and stares at the ceiling, hoping that my poor body will rotten and decompose within a split second.

I remember a sentences from a movie. It says " to get a head in this world, u need more than just a pretty look and a kind heart". I know i have more than that , and i knew i would make it far, eventually. I'm not afraid anymore to dive deeper or run further (ok...this is a white lie- i still get that cold feet whenever i was about to take up new responsibilities, but not as chicken shit as i was before), but what i need to learn, and master is how to identify my route, so i wont head into the wrong direction, not by other people standard, but according to my own sweet way. I dont want to be someone that is exactly as per everyones specification, i just need to be me.

But i'll know that thru out this journey, i'll fall, i'll bumped into something and i might also stumble and get hurt and cry, but i'll also knew that i'll wipe that tears, attended to the cuts and bruises and stand up again and move on. But i will also allow myself to whine and curse and said " Kurang ajar, saper tolak aku tadi?".

well, i guess that's the beauty of getting old.

When the heart speaks......

itahatta — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:41:54 UT

I’m supposed to focus on preparing the pages of financial proposal that i need to submit to PCSB in order to request additional VO for this Angsi project of mine. Again, this project is running on losses, and suddenly i found myself being the one whom responsible to clear up this mess. But then again, as i keep on posting it in my past entry, things are not so wonderful these days and i don’t really handle the stress quite well. Dah cuti and balik kampong, even went for short holiday in Genting in an attempt to rejuvenate things, but still, ader la sikit improvement, the rest, hati tu still tak berapa tenang.

My heart, yes, my heart tends to speaks to me, in a language that only I can understand, i believe everyone else do too. I believes that is what we all called “INSTINCT”. Lately it communicates to me bout few things, things that really required extreme judgements from me before i can move on.

I just spend almost half an hour talking with my beloved boss, Alfian, whom leaving the company by end of this month. Honestly, i only have few days left to be under his wings, since i’m leaving to Kerteh, to supervise the project assembly work for the next 3 weeks. Since the past few weeks, right after i came back from Melbourne, i become so restless, uncertain, confuse. In short, i was scared. Scared like hell.

Once Alfian is no longer in the picture, the management had decided, to give a certain percentage in the company share, and make me one of the major share holder. How could this become possible?...Because Alfian is leaving and the two major shareholder, Yaz and Amir, intended for an early retirement. This new company, Tecoft, will be manage totally by us, with the highest authority will be given to none other than ME and Faisal. A certain amount of fund have been allocated for us to run and develop the company for the next 1 year.

Its an honour, to be name as one of the BOD, i should be great full right?. New post, higher authorization, bigger paycheck, my own room, the freedom to work from home or office, bla..bla..bla, and on top of that, I’m just 28 years old and i’m a female. That does not happened very often. But why did i not feel to good about it.

Honestly, i almost cry in Alfian’s room just now, I’m totally scared. I’m not sure if i can do this without him. Alfian, he is not just my boss, he’s like a brother to me too. Honestly, for this Angsi project, i made 90% of the decision myself, i called the shot and i make the cuts, i only have to explain and justify why i took such decisions to my bosses. 99% of the time, the bosses never disagree with me. But running a company and managing a project, is totally two different things. What if i screw up?, What if i make mistakes? I knew, the bosses will still be there to push and guide me from behind, i just need to be the front person. But still i think the responsibilities is quiet huge for me. Furthermore, how am i supposed to lead a bunch of people who still cant understand the need to buckle up and pick up the pace when it comes to executing their work. I didn’t expect people to become as workaholic as i do, that’s crazy, but please allocate the 110% effort in what u do. GOD, this is tough. I’m still deciding.

And moving to Kerteh, again, as i keep on mentioning, there’s nothing wrong with Kerteh, it just that i did not know what to expect and i also not sure what did Kerteh have to offer , apart from toll free & traffic jam free, i can’t really figure out anything else, but, the most is, getting out from the comfort zone that you are so comfortable with, and to change one self in order to adapt to the environment, it is a tough job. Not sure if i can make it out all right. Am i crazy?...i don’t know, but if i’m not crazy, i can assure you that i think i’m heading into that direction, crazyville.

During this chaotic moment, i feel connected to him ( who is he?...lets just remain hidden). Few days that we’ve been under the same roof ( i did not sleep with him, not even staying in the same room, I’m not that cheap so please don’t stray into that direction) i found him sincerely polite and comfortable to be with, and he really do treat me nicely. Have you ever wish that when the whole worlds seems like its falling apart there is someone saying something that you really wish to hear and it makes you do feel at ease.

Someone that you stare from apart, and realised, there are so many things that is unperfected with this guy, he’s tad short, in comparison to Keanu reeves, he score 1 out of 10, didn’t dress to impress like i do, totally the opposite of me, sometimes i do think that i might be insane to be smitten by him, but still he did surprised me with the things that he did and things that he said. There are times where i did not say a word, but so lost in my own world, with my own thought, he ask me if anything was wrong. He made me wanted to open up and share things with him, something’s that i rarely did with stranger.

He’s not really a stranger, we indirectly work together. This past few weeks, i found myself feeling ok, adapting to his imperfections, i find it ok to accept him as another ordinary human beings, its ok not to be perfect, thus its makes us normal. A normal human beings. And find myself feeling less vulnerable to show my true colours, to be my own self when i’m around him. I don’t fake my own self, it just that normally people cannot accept me for who i am, therefore, to avoid conflict, i normally refrain myself from being too open to people. Should i make my move?..... I don’t think so.

I always have my own sets of consciousness rule that i’ve always try to obey. One of them is not to have anything besides working relationship with people whom i work with, in short, i shall never eat and shit at the same place, so because we are working together, i shall not cross the line and i’m sure that he is smart enough too by not crossing the lines as well. And also because he do consume alcohol.

I was a little bit taken aback when he did that, but i didn’t really say anything bout it at the time, trying to respect his personal rights, but he did apologise to me once he find out that i did not feel comfortable with the matters. You know, i’m actually a little bit torn with this issue. I mean, it is a clearly wrong to consume alcohol, because we are muslims , but then again, i feel guilty if i have to judge other people just because they consume alcohol, neither i’m promoting the attitude. I’m not that pious, i too committed lots of sins and still on my way to make myself a better muslim.

I myself am not perfect, i still wears body hugs and low cuts, i did not complete all the 5 times a day prayers, and i swears as much as i breath and with my slightly brownish hair ( its natural, i don’t dye my hair), its very easy for strangers to label me as the wild chick who smokes, drinks and practice free sex, when the truth is i didn’t practice any. So is it fair for me to chase him off just because he drinks?...who knows what once could becomes. Even i still find myself hard to believe that i’ve change this much. People don’t stay who they are, the only problem are, we did not really foreseen which turnings that they might be taking, right or left.

But still, i find it hard to decide on this one, because i always promise myself, not to ever get myself tangled with someone whom take his religion for granted. But when the heart wants what the hearts wants, could i teach my self to ignores?. Can i learn to ignores my own feelings when during tough times like this, i really wanted to hear the right things that i know he would say to me? Honestly, there are so many times that i wish that i could just break down and cry, but being me, people expect me to be strong all the time, people expect me to be less emotional, best if i don’t have emotion at all. How could people be so cruel, expecting me to be less than human, when i am, no other than another ordinary human beings. I really do wanted to cry, i really do wanted to hugs someone and feel comfortable in his arm, feeling safe and relieve, but i was not allowed to.

But still, i’ve decided to push this one away too, probably for good. Why?...Because that is what i do, and what i am good at, chasing people away from me. Just like what my housemate once told me, that Its easy to like me, but extremely difficult to love me, coz i never allowed anyone to. Why?...because that is what i am, a coward when it comes to the matters with hearts. I may be the risk taker at certain aspect, but i definitely did not gamble with my heart. Would rather not take the chances than being left broken hearted again........... So, i’m sorry, really am, to him and above all....to myself. After all, who knows that maybe later he is going to turn out to be another ordinary Joe who broke my heart, even thou deep down, i thinks he feel the same way too.

You know, of all my blog entry, i have to admit, that this entry may sounds a little bit cocky to some, but believe me, to me, this is the most honest blog that i’ve written......it comes directly from my hearts whom currently is speaking to me.

Stars in the sky

itahatta — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 13:55:33 UT

While i’m writing this, i’m enjoying the view of this enormous amount of stars visible in the sky. I cant really remember when was the last time i’m enjoying the same kind of view. Bukan tak pernah mendongak ke langit while i was busy running around in either KL or Kerteh, but i guess the neon’s light limited my capability to see the beauty beyond.

Hmmmmm........balik kampong, being around my family after almost 6 month, is quite refreshing. I’ll end this mini holiday with a nite away at Genting with the girls, before i joint the crazy world of rat race again on Wednesday, and left for Kerteh for 3 weeks.

Even I’ve decided since years before that Eg mmg berharap dapat settle down somewhere ouside Kl, tapi as ussuall, Eg find the idea agak susah nak di realisasikan for someone yg dah terbiasa living life on the fast lane. Of course, walaupun I know eventually would want to called of my hectic carrer life just to play my next role of full time mommy, but honestly, i do think about working from home or just working freelance. I need to get my mind of something sometimes and keeping my mind busy about work even just for glance of time, i guess and i believe it does and it will work wonder for me. I need to have a life that is not totally connected or related to anyone. A life of my own.

So biler dah balik kampong ni, mmg la environment nya sgt serenade, but if i have to run to hujung beranda just to get the mobile phone coverage, and this Celcom broadband pun lagi slow dari siput, i guess i really have to re-consider.

But probably Kerteh much better kot, entah la, i’m officially moving to Kerteh, and give it a shot for a year, starting this June. Honestly, rumah pun tak cari lagi, kawan2 pun baru ader 2-3 orang jer. The most difficults things bout moving to somewhere new is making new friends, i don’t have problems with being friendly with other people, i’m just having problem to become close to them. Having problem to put my trust in someone, the hardest part in life is to identify which is which, friends or foe. I’ve always feel out of place most of the time, sometimes, i’m too modern to be staying or living outside of the city, but sometimes i think i’m too modest for the city too.....hmmm entah la, tak tau where i really belong to. Mana2 Eg pergi pun, slalu rasa mcm pelik n different. Well, aper2 hal, when i move to Kerteh nnt, already planning to bring along my cat, and now, tgh try utk Masukkan my younger brother study kat Ruane TATI, so maybe takder la terasa mcm rusa masuk kampong sgt. I hope.
hope.

Looking back, who i was, what i’ve been thru, honestly, it’s never surprised me on why most of the time, Eg, prefer to be on my own, prefer to stay away from human most of the time. Bukan la its meant that i’m that “Kera sumbang”, just most of the time i feel that we human, among ourself and between ourselves, we are actually mean, and we are hypocrite too. Does this meant that i’m not?....Tak juga, i think i have my fair share of making this environment as cruel and ugly as it is now. So daripada Eg have to pretend and be someone that i’m not and hurt myself or others, baikla Eg menjauhkan diri dari sebilangan orang. I don’t have the right to preach about what is right and what is wrong in this life, neither, i think i have the right too, diri sendiri pun still wear that cleavage revealing low cut tops, masakan saya cukup baik untuk bersyarah ttg kehidupan. But that does not meant that i cant think or decide for myself ttg jalan mana yg harus dipilih.

Aper la yang Eg merapik- merapik memalam buta ni?...entah la, Eg just feel like writing somethings, jarang dapat such chances these days, busy memadang, sakit jiwa pun yer. As i was finishing this crazy entry, my heavily pregnant cat, tgh berpusing-pusing macam gasing, trying to bit her own tail. Normally, she becomes like that sbb tak tahan gatal ader kutu kat ekor la tu. Hmmmmm......simple things, but it does put a smile on my face......

When the going get's tough............

itahatta — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:23:25 UT

I've always knew that there are something intolerable between me and caffeine, especialy if i gulp down the drink in the evening, worst if i consume it at nite. I'm officially prone to caffeine intoxicated, or i prefer to call it caffeine drunk. At first i thought this is just something in my head, but i made my own researched and read a lot too.....So here's a bit of some of the explaination that i get from the Internet.

" What to Watch For
The symptoms of caffeine intoxication include:

* restlessness
* nervousness
* excitement
* insomnia
* flushed face
* diuresis (increased urinary output)
* gastrointestinal disturbance
* muscle twitching* talking or thinking in a rambling manner
* tachycardia (speeded-up heartbeat) or disturbances of heart rhythm
* periods of inexhaustibly
* psychomotor agitation "

so why did i post this tonite.

this is because, even thou i did not consume coffe tonite, but i just tried this new diet pills ( and at the back of the caplet, its written ' contains 250mg of caffeine per tablet, and i took 2 tablet, because the prescription tells me to). So forgive me people, my post may sound a little absurb tonite.

An honest confession:

i dont handle stress so well lately, started to get bad when i was in Melbourne, become worst when i get back. Dont try to reason with me people, bout staying positive and stuff, just "shut the F*** up! "
get some bad news from vendors this afternoon, the kind of 'bad news" that gonna drive my boss jumping up the hills and definitely the type that will cost me all my previlleageness( i'm sorry, i cant be bother bout my grammar).

So minutes ago, i called my two besties, Ekin n Jaja, and ask them to go out with me for few cups of tripple shot espresso tommorow nite, once i arrived from Kerteh. As we were spoken over the phone, Ekin, whom sense the difference in my speach suddenly ask me, " Babe, are u drunk?, did u just drank coffee at this hour? ( its almost 10.30pm))

I'm really looking forward for tommorow hang out with the girls, i've been trying to become sensible and sober for the longest time ever, i really need this one nite to becomes nuts, to become intoxicated with this un acceptable amount of caffeine in my system, to just laugh and laugh like mad for hours and hours and with a little twist of digestive system intervention, i might end up puking by the side of the road, but hey, at least i'm with the girls, no worries of being gang rape or what so ever.

Should i apologise? i dont know, but i knew that there is a high expectation from people for me to behave perfectlyall the time, but there is only on ethings that i need to say...." I'm only human, can i just have this once in a while time just to screw up a little bit?"

Thanks....

Life ........ its aint easy!

itahatta — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:59:32 UT

I'm so glad, that now i'm back to KL. once again, its not that i hate Melbourne, it just that i dont really enjoy this work trip. Tired, stress and stuff.

Since the time the plane safely landed on the KLIa airport, my mobile phone does not really stop ringging. Friends, family, vendors, vendor and more vendors, office mate, friends again, banks ( can banks just stop calling me in order to promote their product/service - in order to futher rip off my money...the list goes on and on. And i've never spend a single meal time on my own as well, since i came back. Dinner, lunch and breakfast with frens, frens and more frens. Friends with family problems, friends with spiritual problem, friends with financial problem, health problems, love problems and all sort of other type of problems.

honestly, i'm not whinning bout having to be there for them. I wanted to, they are my close buddies/ family. It just that, i guess, i've been absorbing too many information in the 72 hr, that i started to feel dizzy, fuzzy and i do believe, i'm started to become crazy.

I met my bestie, and spend 24 hr with her, at her luxury condo. So happens that she is actually a mistress, to somebody somebody's. she complains how sucks life is at the moment, being control by theta somebody all the time. Totally being control by the jerk, till she have to lie to him, in order to allow me to lepak at her place without having the risk of the jerk to show up at the door step. And, yea, i'm not in a good term with the jerk, i hate him, really really hate him. So now, this besties of mine, also find her self trap in a legal battle between the jerk and his wife who just file a petition for divorce. Me, being the good friend, had countlessly advice her ( and nag her too) of this tremendous shit that she had get herself into, but then again, it's her choice and its her life. I just told her that i'll always be there for her.

I came back from the visit, and i receive a teary phone call, from another besties of mine, Farid. she delivered me a really shocking news. She is the birth mother of Ayesha ( my adopted daughter), and we both are extremely close, that we acknowledge ourself as twins, after all, we both does look and behave very much the same.She is currently 4 month pregnant with her second child, but she is heading towards splitville. Yup, she's planning for a divorce, because she found disgusting emails between her husband and the lady that he have been seeing for quite sometimes. Emails discussing bout theri affair and their sexual activities too. Ok, that is extremely disgusting, when she reads to me some of the emails content, i ask her to stop, coz i extremely disgusted by it.

During our conversation, Icha asked if she could talk to me, and some of the sentences that she told me was; " mummy, mama dgn papa gaduh depan Icha". i swear i almost cried when she told me that. She is just 3 and a half years old. She just a kid, and realising that she might have to end up living her life in a broken home, it just broke my heart. Being the kid from the broken family myself, i knew how teribble things can become. How life was soooo cruel. And Farid, she is extremely scared, broken hearted and confuse. i badly wanted to be there for her.

You know, honestly, at this point of life, i've lost faith in settling down. i still believe in the holliness of the marriage institution, but i no longer believe in the people who wanted to execute and live in the institution.

I figure, if she really wanted to go ahead with the divorce plan, I'm planning to legally adopt one of her kids. Its not easy being a single mom, worst if you are a single mom with two small kids. So this might help her a bit, but that depends, if she allow me to. Its might sound that my idea of adopting her kids as a rush decision, but i dont think so. I guess i have reach the stage where i should have my own offspring, the only problem is, i cant really found the right dad for my kids, and frankly speaking, i've started to believe that i might not find one, so long time ago, i've decided, if i'm still single by the time i blow my 30th candle on my birthday cake, i would adopt one. Am i ready for that?, i believe the answer is ' people was never actually ready for anything, but the moment they put their whole heart into something, they'll change for good'. and i'm quite confident that i can do this, perfectly fine.

Geezzz......... another story of this complicated life. To Farid, i'll always be there for her too, sisterhood always protect each other. To most of the man out there, can you guys just stop straying around?...... Honestly i really do think that nice guys, are actually an organism species that have actually extinct.

What ever...what ever.......I dont really give a shit bout man anymore. If i have to be with someone who drain my bank account, dictate my life, beat me to death and on top of that, broke my heart into million pieces, i would rather just be on my own.

What the hell is wrong with this world, can someone just please explain that to me?..... I really wish that some heavenly figures, could fly me away from here........far away...

Wrong side of the globe.

itahatta — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:07:47 UT

18 PL : Parental advise is necessary!

I'm extremely sure that i woke up not just at the wrong side of the bed today, but at the wrong side of the globe as well. Therefore i ended up being a little bit jumpy bout lots of stuff.

Its not that i hate Australia or Melbourne in particular, it just that i’m on business trip for two weeks, so that means that i have tonnes of things to look at and to pay attention to it. So its pretty much does not feel like a holiday to me. In fact, i can only manage to catch a relaxing breath since yesterday. The transporter that i’ve engaged to execute the transporting work, have left me worrying sick since the last 2 weeks, for not updating me on the progress of the transporting work that need to be done, even after i repeatedly inform them on the criticalness of the nature of the work. When they finally arrived to the yard yesterday to discuss bout the dismantling, packing and transporting plan, i notice a sudden decreased in my heart beat and my blood pressure. Thank God!

And also, Ahmad is smart enough not to screw up again, after i send him a clear non verbal message of how pissed i was when he disappeared for 2 nights, not even responding to my phone calls and sms. It is selfish to leave me and Feisal worried sick, wondering if he is fine or maybe something had happened to him, while he’s having fun hanging out with the girlfriend. And as everyone expected, the moment he re-appears and introduce his GF, i don’t even bother to look at the girl ( actually i wanted to use the word “ bitch” instead of “girl”, but i know it would be cruel coz she’s Ahmad babe, and Ahmad n me have a very close working relationship as a colleague). And thank goodness they both are smart enough to just keep quite during the whole tense moments, or else, i swear if either one of them uttered even 1 wrong word, i might as well swearing/ cursing like a real bitch should be in the middle of the train station. F**K...F**K...and F**K.... ( k , i feel much better now).

I got no issue with people wanting to have fun, by all mean, please do, just jgn la merisaukan org lain plak. I don’t give a fucking shit if they wanted to fuck themself out the whole duration, just don’t leave me worrying. The last things in my trip list that i wanted to do, is either to bail my colleague out from a lock up, or having to file a missing person report. SO i believe, if i happened to scream like mad pun...i have the right to do so right. But thanks Feisal, for knowing on how to put me at ease at those tense moment. Ahmad n his babe, korang mmg lucky sbb tak kene terajang kat tgh2 dunia...Aku mmg panas hati tahap Gaban.

And for heavens sake, i don’t feel ok about writing few reports to update the bosses. Damn...i hate report writing. So i’m in the mids of malas, takder mood, boring benci n sebagainyer .
I’ve applied a week leave once i come back from this trip, but i’m positively sure that i might need to postponed the leave. Got few co-ordination works to plan with others vendor, prior to the arrival of the desander skid. The last time i went back to Johor, was on November...... Hmmmm...ok, it is time for a leave and balik kampong. My parents does not sound a little ok, after i call them and say that i might postponed my cuti.

Takper, sabar...just couple more weeks to go, and another trip to Terengganu, then i’ll off for my a week long holiday. Just be positive Rozita, at least i went to F1 ( even thou Ferrari did not make it to the finish line, got myself 2 expensive Ferrari shirt, borong lots of souvenir, and definitely that ass kicking, jaws dropping piece of Okley eye wear. I believe i should not reveal the price of that sunglasses, coz i still cant manage to accept that i’m paying that X amount of Ringgit for that piece of eye wear, but hey, Its Okley, its polarised lense (good for someone who’s sensitive to glare like me) and it does makes me look a tiny bit like Monica Belluci ( at certain angle, with a little lucks)......and few more dresses ( don’t ask me how many, i’ve lost count after 2) and a new handphone...walla wei, its an endless shopping list for some one who did not enjoy the trip as me...hahahhaah......

And yea, i’m definitely going to the Snow Patrol concert on Thursday!..yeeehaaaa.....

Chill people, see u once i get back....and i’ll see u when i see u!

I have an attitude.......

itahatta — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 00:40:09 UT

....Last nite, my new laptop, was not with me. And i dont feel good. That nemesis of mine borrowed it from me, for a nite, coz, according to her, the "floating" laptop, that is supposed to be used by everyone in the office, is being used by someone else. And she didn't even dare to ask it directly from me, she ask someone else to borrowed it for her, damn.... Dah la ngko buat muka after finding out that bosses gave the lappy for me, then siap buat sarcastic remarks bout how u didnt even need to use laptop to do your job, tetiba nak borrow aku nyer plak?...Dammit,,,get a life BI-ARCH!

Fact : the company bought the laptop.
Fact: The laptop was bought for me and only me, the privillage given to me by the management.
Fact: I have an attitude; i hate it, hate so much, if anyone, i mean ANYONE, let alone my foe, touch anything that i love, especially if that thing is new. If it still in its box/ package, please dont even think of doing me a favour of opening it for me.

There is this one event years ago, where my X-fiancee took me to Sg Wang, to buy a new HP for me, i then fall in love instansly at a new PDA phones But within hours after purchasing the HP for me, when i'm still enchanted and smitten with the new toys, he ask if he can borrow the phone for a few days. ob viously, he was too smitten by the phone. I should have said "No", but i reluctantly say "yes". When he returned the phone back to me a week later, he ask me why i'm no longer excited to "godek-godek" the phone. So i tell him, i've lost interest towards the phone since someone else other than me had " godek-godek" the phone first. To make it up, he bought another same model for me on that evening.

I knew, i sounds a little bit childish, to be exact, sometimes i do feel like a 5 years old when its come to my new toys, but just please understand that, this is me. So if you see that i have just get my self a new " anything", gave me some times to play around with it untill i become bored ( depends on the type of the new toys, Car- normally 1 year, IT gadget : around 1-2 months, HP : few weeks, shoes, bag dress & other minor item: few days)... A general rule of thumb, if u can see sparkles in my eyes, when i talk/ touch/ use/ look at the toys, its an indicator that you should stay away from it.

Hey, u can call me kedekut or what so ever, but bottom line, its mine and solely mine. If you feel like wanting the same things that i have, word of advise..." Get your own"!

...Hmmmm..hmmmmm..waaaaaa...My laptop...my laptop, give me back my laptop!...Lepas ni jgn harap dapat pinjam....

There's so many people wanted to kill me........

itahatta — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:11:19 UT

Yea its been a while since i realised that there are so many people that wanted to kill me.

Lets start with :

1- My family:
My beloved aunty, Acik is getting married- for the 2nd time in about 2 weeks time, she informed me the date and all i said to her is......" Ita tak sure boleh attend ke tak, sbb around waktu tu ita maybe kene ke oversea". I realised the tone of her voice change drastically. And when i told my Umi about the possibility of my absence during that day, i end up holding the phone almost a feet away from my ears,and i swear even at that distance, i can still hear her nagging plus " bebel"ling, which some of the main point sounded a little bit like " Orang lain pun kerja gak- boleh jer balik jumpa family- dah lamer tak balik kampung- nnt saudara mara pun tak kenal- sibuk kerja biler nak kawen- bla.....-bla...-bla...". Hmmm... since when does my family have started to realised that it is time for them to start to nag me into getting married?. Ok,since tomorrow is my dad's birthday, i should make a point to call him and wish him Happy 49th birthday.....( ala- ala konon nak tunjukkan bahawa saya masih lagi anak mithali!)

2- My friends.
Since the past 1.5 years,since i start to handle project, my friends and buddies really enjoying on the event of complaining and nagging and being pissed with me. Since i rarely joint most of the events/ gathering or even absence during some of their's wedding ceremony, i think i really deserve it when one of my close buddy,Jules, sarcastically told me, "bagusla ko nak pindah Kerteh, kat KL pun ko bukan nyer berkawan dengan sesaper". And to make it up to them, i normally said......" well geng, u girls go n have fun,next gathering aku belanja korang makan". But then again,on the next gathering, guess what, i was barely around as well.

3- My boss.
I have been consiously neglecting the other project of mine, the GTL, since i'm so occupied by this Angsi Desander project. Yesterday my boss ask me "Ko dah check process of GTL blum?". My answer????? "Blum.....i try buat nanti"...And as i expected his respond was " Aku tendang ko karang!"...... And yes,to my big boss, i constantly need to joint him on weekly management meeting, to answer to them, why on earth is my Angsi project profit margin has decreased by the day.
Need i say more bout my job????

4- My client.
I have no clue why lately, either my team member or my vendors keep on doing mistakes, and being the focul person that always be the one who is answerable towards the management and the client, i have to always say " the mistake is entirely mine" - even thou we all knew it is not. But i guess that is the pro's and con's bout being a leader. But luckily, boleh sejukkan hati client dgn bawak diorang gi makan-makan, or else, mmg "selamat" la bebudak kat opis ni kene baling dengan kasut. Demmit-i seriously hate it when i have to clean up somebody else's mess.

5- My self.
God forbid, but honestly, i seriously feel that i wanted to kill myself!- Fopr what ever reason that i'm too lazy too type it here!

Ok.......think positif..think positif...birthday in 2 days so probably, better things are coming my way......Think positif!

She's my nemesis

itahatta — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:58:16 UT

Well actually, I hate to post this blog, coz I swear to GOD that this post sounds a little bit smug, but since my blog is actually a product of my own thought about the universe and everything within, including my own self, and this blog page is merely the place where I burst out all my feelings, including sadness, extreme jovial etc, I then could not find the reason why I could not post this one as well.

Last Friday, we had our 1st staff meeting for the year. What I meant by staff meeting is a meeting attended by each and everyone in the office, including the receptionist and the most unwanted person in the meeting, the Big Boss, Yaz.

The main agenda of the meetings ( among other things) was his ( the Big Boss) disappointment with 3 of our project, namely MCOT, JDS& RDS and Resak. This is due to the failure to wrap up the projects even though it has long exceed its maturity period. In a more simpler words, the projects has exceeded the dateline and had burst the allowable budgetary expenses , therefore, with every day that pass us by, we are actually running on losses. To sincerely shown his disappointment , he announced that from that day onward, there will be no more hardship allowance to the personnel that is travelling outstation to the respective project location. Everyone accepted the news with the frown on their face, including me. Buts seconds later, he also announce that exclusion for this new rule were given to those whom involved with the Angsi desander project. My face light up instantly , but my nemesis, she frowned harder.

My nemesis, that is how I normally look at her. Like I mentioned before, she hates me since the 1st day I joined the company. She always try to find reasons to pick on me, from the colour of my hair, to the genre of music that I normally listen to, till the way she thinks how I executed my work. Calling me names, behind my back whenever she thought I was not listening, bad mouthing bout me in front of the bosses among other things. Honestly, I seriously think that she is really good at all this office politic games.

And me, being my own self, rarely find myself in the need to retaliate to her stupidity. Yea, that is what I normally call it, her attitude towards me. I believe I knew why she hates me that much. Previously, before I arrived, she was the apple of the bosses eyes, but then, I had unwillingly and subconsciously had remove her from her position, bit by bit. I only realized bout this, after few month of leading the Angsi project, after I realized the special treatment and benefits that was given to me in comparison to other people in the office. But of course, unlike her, I did not climb the corporate ladder by serving coffee everyday for my bosses, and I also did not find the rational in stabbing or jeopardizing other people in order to secure my position.

During lunch today, my boss, Alfian, mentioned to me that for the new company that will start the operation on May, he had already decided to maintain the ATSB trio, Ahmad, Faisal and myself, while the rest, their fate is still unknown. I surprised myself by saying that I would love if the new company can keep her ( my namesis) as well. It is purely because I honestly think that she actually can go far and can perform better with the right push on the right direction, only if she can improve her confidence in public relation, communication and definitely she can perform better if she can shed all the jealousy and hatred she had towards people that she look at as her competitor.

Its funny thou, she hates me, and I’m well aware of that. And she drives me insane most of the time, and we both share a lot of qualities in common but we can hardly be in the same room together. But on top of that, I could never find a reason why I should use what ever power or privileges that was given to me just to make her life miserable. I really2 hope that someday she’ll understand, that this was never meant to be personal, it just business

I've found GOD

itahatta — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:28:47 UT

I guess I have found HIM. I can’t say that He found me, coz He’s always here by my side,I’m just too blind and too ignorance to see and to feel his presence.

I guess I found HIM, in the cold morning air that I breathe in, every morning when I wake up. I found HIM in the laughter’s of a young child, running around chasing the grey kitten. And in the weak squeaking noise of new born puppies in the bushes under the tree.

I feel HIS presence in every step that I take, walking among the trees, feeling most of my fear has started to fade away, in the chirping of birds, merrily on the trees, in the faces that smiles back at me when I smile at them. I feel HIS compassion in those crying faces, HIS comfort during this chaos and uncertainties.

***************************************************************************************************************************
Since the last few weeks, people keep on asking me, why did I look so different, I look happier, the glow is so obvious to see. I, most of the time, jokingly reply that I just change my whole range of skin care product.

The situation is quite bad lately, financial, work stress and stuff, but amazingly, I can’t help but to feel a little undisturbed bout the whole situation. I guess my idiosyncrasy is now working in my favour.

I guess I found solace in reading books, watching movies or simply just looking at people that pass me by, listening how each and everyone are so busy mumbling and nagging bout almost everything. I don’t know, I just don’t have a clue how I could become so relax in this time of uncertainties. Last week, my house mate and my colleague was quite worried, that I take the whole “breaking my car and stealing my lappy” thing calmly. Most of my frenz knew that naturally, during incident like this, people need to listen to my awful swearing and cursing and my unforgivable paroxysm of rage for at least half of the day. But this time, I’m just too relax and too quiet to convince to everyone that I’m still very much my own self. I guess, maybe its merely because my priorities in life has started to change.

When I say that my priority has change, I don’t mean that I’ve found someone whom I’m madly in love with and wedding bell and babies is something that is going to happen in the next few calculative period. No, that’s not it, even thou this question is the most questioned “question” addresses to me lately, but unfortunately, that’s not it. I’m still the single, happy free spirited lady and still find it satisfying of being one.

But what I meant by changing my priorities are, I’m not longer so obsess in trying to fulfil my material desires or other stuff. I still love the CIVIC, I really do, but I’don’t really think that I’ll be getting one any soon, I should just keep my Gen2, my car is no longer my proud toys, it just a necessity. And my work, is still a career to me, but I have no longer allowed my career and my ambition to take control of my life. My work are no longer the prime items that defines me. These days, I leave office at around the same time everyday, 6 O clock in the evening, then enjoying my quiet time of my own, listening to music, exercise, hang out with frenz or simply reading something. Spending the weekends with fun activities, cooking and entertaining my guest with foods, while enjoying some pleasant laugh.

I still do take my life seriously, but did not implement the seriousness in life. I'm very much still is the same sarcastically brave and carzy person, it just that now i choose to use this gifted sarcartism ability only during unavoidable situation. I guess ,probably maybe, I’ve found my reason and my purpose, I’ve identify my priorities and probably, it is as simple as I’ve found GOD and happy to know that He is watching over me.

My Car...My laptop...My work.....

itahatta — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 02:45:02 UT

....Some idiot broke my car window last nite, and took my laptop and my Gym bag.

i hide the laptop underneath the driver's seat, but i stupidly left the gym bag on the back seat. I got my hands full of everything and left the car by the street where crowd are busy passing by, leave it for half an hour only to realised that the window was broken, and all my life support ( My laptop that consist of every detail of my work since the past 2 years) has gone.

I hope he enjoy smelling my dirty smelly gym attire. I spend 2 and a half hour waiting for the " inspector shahab" to finish another critical report of fist fighting before he can come and entertain my report. I didnt cry, i didnt whine, instead i ask the inspector " Lamer lagi ker?, saya ngantuk nak balik tido ni".... He stares at me as if he can't really believe his ears, hearing bout my question.
Its not that i dont feel sad or angry, i'm just normal, emotionless and a little bit positive. I mean, i dont see a point where i maybe could gain back my lappy if i scream, cried and roll over in the middle of the road. So i figure, since its almost 2 in the morning, i better go home, sleep and think about it tmrw.

So, the only things that i should be telling my self are:
1- Deserve me right, padan muka, kenapa tak nak buat back up for all my work related item kat dlm lappy tu!
2-Never ever, I mean everrrrrrr....... put all your thumb drive, laptop, or external HD in the same bag.
3- ALways bare in mind,. while i dont feel the need to steal, others dont feel the same way too...

Hmmm..... there goes my offshore claim yg beriban-riban, fixing my car and getting my self a new laptop...

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....wa......

P/S: people, excuse me for my lannguage, excuse me for my grammar an even excuse me with my spelling. This is the product from some one who, slept at 3 and wake up at 6.30 in the morning, staring at the car for almost 30 minutes, and still calculating what to do next with all the documents that was lost....

A dog, a woman and agroup of self claim hu"MAN"

itahatta — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 06:59:54 UT

Last midnite, upon coming home from my hang outs with frenz, approaching the security guard check point of my apartment, i notice few cars in front of me were suddenly breaking and switching to the other lane. It turns out that right ahead, there’s a really skinny puppy wondering around on that road, so people move to the other side of the road to avoid running over the puppy. However, i notice there’s something peculiar bout the puppy thou, he seems disoriented. Looking at the physical condition of the puppy, I figure, he must be diseased or something.

I decided to park my car, near the security guard office and walk down the hill towards the location of the puppy. I’m afraid that someone might overlook him in the middle of the road and run over him. I only intended to check on the puppy and shift him to a more safer place.

When I arrived, I saw a pretty ugly view in front of me. A bunch of man on their bikes, I rather call it teenagers; I presume they might be youngster at their early twenties; they were hounding the poor puppy, throwing small pebbles and scaring that poor soul. As I clutch the puppy, I asked them if they did not have any other beneficial things to do than just wandering round at nite and bullying some other poor creatures. Their answer and their attitude did not surprise me at all.

They call me names and label me as “hell doom” for trying to be a hero and save the poor puppy. As I was speaking in bahasa, they knew that I’m a muslim and scream at me bout how Islam teaching had indicated that the dog is Haram, and I’m a sinfull person for touching the puppy. One of them even try to scares me by trying to mock that he wanted to run me over. I become so enraged and called him “PIG” instead.

It’s sadden me to realize that some times, man are more beast than the beast that attacked them. I’m a muslim, I knew that I’m not supposed to touch a dog, but as learn deeper, I knew the reason for this is because some type of lice inhabit the dogs fur and this lice or tick is not easily remove, unless of you clean it with a mixture of soil and water. Apart from that, I could not really find a concrete reason why I should be mean to this creature. Even in the Quran does not states that I should treat other living creature cruelly.

Although I’m a Malay, but I could never agree with most Malay point of view with respect to the matter. What sin had a dog impose to me that I need to throw stone or wood towards him. I’ve seen a stall owner who pour hot water to a dog who try to search some food on their waste bin. And I heard how the dog growl in pain. I cannot help but to feel so pity towards the dog. If I could feel terrible pain from cuts and burn, I believe animals do too, regardless if it is a cat , a mouse, a horse or even a dog. I guess some, who proudly declaring themselves as a true muslim, did not really understand the Quran teaching themselves.

So tell me, did I really committed a sin for trying to help a thin, disoriented puppy in the middle of the night? If you do think so, I would like to ask you another question, in fact I challenge you to show me, which verse in Qoran, that indicate that I should avoid and be mean towards dog. Please don’t show me any hadith from somebody’s somebody, for we all knew that some of the hadith has been manipulated by certain people for their own sake. I acknowledge only the Quran, the words that comes straight from The Almighty. Again, I would like to ask this people, do you think that you have the right to take over God’s right in determining who shall go to heaven and who shall not?.

I’m no Imam, not an ustaz not even an ustazah. I‘m not sure if I ever gonna make it to heaven either. But I know that Allah has given me a brain and a heart that I can use it, to think and to feel.