itahatta

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Thursday, 6 August 2009 at 03:33

Its been a while since i last wrote anything. I'm not that busy since the past 1 month. It just that i'm taking time off from almost everything, including work. There's no specific message that i need to convey in this post, i just feel like writing something, a free writing.

When i was diagnose with " borderline personality disorder'' 3 weeks ago, i spend the 1st 24 hrs trying to digest the fact. No, i'm not crazy or mentaly challenge, i'm just having a little personality and social disorder. I dont feel like eleborating about it more, but in short, i just wont have a normal relationship with adults like anyone else. Actually part of me feel a bit relieve, since i manage to identify that there is actually something wrong with me, and manage to get some help fast. I'm glad that the worst period are over, but i also knew if i did not seek for help, there always tendency for relapse. So here i am, attending my bi-monthly psyciatric therapy. I'm feeling much- much better now, i guess it's true about what everyone said, that the first step of recovering is actually acknowledging. Its funny right?, someone who looks very much normal like me, is actually someone who really need some help with my emotional disorder.

Does this mean i'm not happy with my life?...i'm actually much happier now. I'm re-organising my life, changing my priorities, mapping out my new plan. i'm not sure what the future hold, but i'm quite positif that it wont be easy but its definitely serve all the purpose of living.

I turned down the offer as one of the shareholder in the new company, and so did my new colleague, Faisal. To most people, this is a really good once in a life tim opportunity, i think so too, but i also realised, to me , now, money is not really everything. Again and again, money cant buy me the happiness that i'm looking for. I dont expect people to understand why i took this decision. But all i have to say is, i dont think i want to be greedy enough to take up too much responsibility, more than what i can actually bare, and end up having to increase my frequency for my psycological theraphy. i dont think its wise to take up so much responsibility to the point where under extreme stress, thinking about suicide is something that u do on daily basis.

In the time being, i think i would just happy to settle with my 45% increament in salary, a new work responsibility in process design, my own bigger room, with my name plate on the door, the freedom to arrange my own work schedule and that 20% share that i need to share with 4 other colleague.

And that other department of my life, yea that department. It's not that i wont have any relationship at all, it just that i couldnt have the normal relationship like anybody else. It simply mean, that i cant be with just any ordinary male, i have to be with that extraordinary man who really undestand why i'm not like any other normal uncomplicated woman. To be honest, scanning the atmophere around me, i think such man, is very rare, i might be lucky if i manage to find one, like i said, they are not normal man, they are extra ordinary. I have to say, knowing that fact, is a bit dissapointing thou, its dissaponiting to know that there is this emptiness inside your heart, the void that is still consuming your feeling, like the black hole that consume everything in its path, to know that it is almost impossible for you to find that imperfect someone that would fit u perfectly. Did i sounded desperate by saying this?, I dont think so, its not desperate, it just an honest confession. I didnt expect anyone to under stand, beacuse i knew that its aint easy, its complicated.