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Sunday, 5 July 2009 at 04:40

I’m currently in Kuching, for my 1 week holiday. I’m trying to rejuvenate myself and my life, the truth is, i’m trying to escape the reality for a while.

I know, we have to stay positive as much as we could. I know that we should count our blessing and stuff, but i cant help to feel a bit demoralised currently. What should one’s do, when one’s cant help to think that one’s whole life was nothing but cursed. Yea, i cant help but to feel that maybe my whole life, i was cursed.

Sometimes, i do feels that my confidence and my ambitious attitude, probably just another cursed to me. I work meticulously hard, to get to where i am now, and i alwaysknow that i’m that type of person that always wanted more. Not because i’m greed but because i think that life without purpose, without hope is meaningless, and probably because i was born that way, species yg tak tahu duduk diam. To me, it was never about the destination, its the journey that matters more. But i don’t know why, but i’ve realised that, i’ve work so hard to sit at the same table with the big boys, only to realised that the food is actually poisoned. And no matter how hard i try to nicely climb the corporate ladder, i end up making more foe than friend. Am i really that bad?

Again and again, i keep on saying, I knew that i’m not a supermodel, but i knew that i’m not ugly either. And i’m neither a 5 years old nor an idiot, i know how the world works. I knew when the opposite sex is saying something, i can actually read what they are thinking. Most of the time, i wish, man would want to strike a conversation with me, because they adore my deliberation and my character, more than they adore my vital statistic. And most of the time, i wish people would stop judging and labelling based on first impression. I always hope that people would realised that look can be deceiving, and most of the time, it does.

Syukur Alhamdulillah, thanks to my non stop travelling since 3 months back, a very handsome amount of cash were deposited to my account this month. And with that amount of money, i m able to settle off a loan and terminate few credit card. I manage to turn my newly rented apartment from trash to a very comfortable liveable bachelor pad. As Yuzi were helping me with the new apartment last week, she told me, how she envy what i have now. I don’t feel flattered, in fact i feel sad. I told her to never again, wish that she could have the same life as i do now, coz she have no clue, what’s it like to be me. Maybe, God is kind enough, to help me in this financial department, and i know, that i need to be grateful, but if only people really knew what its like to be me, i bet that they would agree that i would very much trade lots of things in order to get few other things, that this people, whom consider themselves as the one who is not so lucky in wealth, take for granted. I don’t feel like elaborating, but like i always said,.......I agreed that almost every thing in this world is money, but money is not everything in this world, and sadly, money cant buy me the happiness that i’m looking for.

Last week, someone told me, he thinks that i don’t know the purpose of my life. I told him, that he is wrong, for i very much knew what i want in my life. When i think about it, again and again....I think he was right.

I don’t know, currently, i don’t feel like challenging my fate, even thou i’m the type of person who always refuse to accept defeat. But today, i think, probably its good to let fate take me to where God has destined for me to be. Probably, i should start to accept that “something are definitely beyond our control”. But for now, just allow me this time where i can escape from this cruel reality.