itahatta
female - 28 years, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia
Blog 64
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Dekat padaNya
Tadi, sbb semput naik tangga 5 tingkat ni, dgn tercungap2 Eg meraban-raban cari air sejuk dlm fridge tu. Tetiba ternampak plak flight itenerary yg my housemate, Damia, tampalkan for our( Eg and other housemate-Yuzi) refference.
Tetiba hati terasa sayu sgt. Bukan sedih sbb nnt Damia takder kat rumah for the next 45 days, tapi sbb gembira yg dia, at this very young age dah dapat pergi Haji, while me, since last 2 years, sejak pasang angan-angan nak gi umrah, still belum berpeluang nak pergi ke sana.
.... Hmmm sedihnyer.
Mesti seronok biler dapat pergi ke sana kan?!.... Mesti terasa kita makin dekat dgn Tuhan. Walaupun Eg tahu yg rationalnyer, kemana pun kita pergi atau dimana pun kita berada, Tuhan tu sentiasa bersama dgn kita, tetapi pasti rasanyer sgt difference biler kita sendiri jejakkan kaki ke Tanah sucinyer, ke rumahnyer.
Hmmm...takper la, harap2 lepas start kerja baru ni nnt, Eg boleh kumpul duit and kumpul cuti banyak2, supaya dalm masa setahun, dapat la pergi Umrah. Kuat sangat rasanyer hati mendesak nak pergi, sampai everytime tgk orang lain pergi sana utk Haji or Umrah, hati sayu sgt. Takperla, maybe ader sebab kenapa Allah masih belum mahu menjemput Eg ke rumahnye. Mungkin Eg masih di perlukan disini, and mungkin, duit yg diperlukan untuk kesana tuh, walaupun jumlahnyer tak la sebanyak mana ( to some......more than other), tapi biler pikir balik, hmmm duit saya yg banyak terpakai sampai tak terkumpul, digunakan utk sekolah adik2, and beri pada abah and umi and atuk, bagi diorang happy, rasanyer itu maybe lebih bermakna and mulia pada sisi tuhan daripada Eg being selfish and cuma pikirkan bagi kepentingan diri sendiri jer. Maybe itulah pendidikan ttg hidup yang Allah nak ajarkan pada Eg secara terus dariNya. Sabar, ikhlas dan redha (walaupun still blum betul2 pandai-sbb still lagi merungut-rungut everynow and then)
Hmmmm... takperla, insya allah, akan tiba hari yang dijanjikan Allah dimana Eg dapat dtg lebih dekat kepadaNya...mudah-mudahan, Amin ...... -
Panas....................
Hari ni panas........Bukan panas sbb matahari tu atas kepala, tapi panas hati. Entah apasal ntah manusia-manusia bodoh ni, 2-3 hari ni asyik nak bagi panas hati ni jer. Hish...... dah la kesabaran EG ni lagi nipis dari kulit bawang, lagi nak test aku nyer patience. FYI....EG ni tgh PMS, nope.......... not Pre- Menstrual Syndrom, tapi POST Menstrual Syndrom. Biasanyer kalau Pre tu, EG ni kuat menangis ( tu yg tetiba ader jer blog yg di"post" dgn subject haru biru- Hish..bodoh betul aku ni)..... tapi kalau Post MS ni, EG jadi kuat marah.
I think it started off with this Mamat bodoh ni la, ader la ntah mamat dari planet mana ntah, few months back, pretend nak berkawan with me, so Eg pun said ok......kawan jer kan. So apehal la plak Eg nak say "NO". Turns out, after few period, tetiba mangkuk ni kluarkan statement sounded like this.." eventhoug i'm your frenz, i still want to have sex with you". Hmmmmm..... mmg dasar B*B* betul la mamat ni, dia ingat Eg ni dia nyer ''fucking buddy " ker, sesedap mulut jer ckp camtuh. Hmmm...nasib baik la ckp mcm tuh kat dlm phone, kalau face to face tu, rasanyer, sure dah mati pucuk kene sepak kat groin..... dah berbulan-bulan Eg tak dgr citer mangkuk ni, after Eg last hempas telefon kat dia, tetiba, 2-3 hari ni, hidup plak mamat ni and asyik try call Eg jer, sambil tinggalkan voice msg yg ader la bunyi mcm..." i want to apologise and maybe u could give me a chance and maybe we can go out for dinner...bla..bla..bla". Hmmm....nasib baik la kesabaran Eg tu masih ade walaupun cuma lebih nipis dari kulit bawang, or else, sure Eg dah ckp kat dia " Why dont u just go to hell and fuck yourself up!"
Hmmmm.....lelaki mmg mcm tu kan !!!??. Suka pandang diri sendiri macam bagus. Padahal macam sampah!!!...Another sample of ke"sampah'' an lelaki is, this other guy, entah aper name dia ntah, lets just call him Y, whom i met, bcz dia tolong Eg masa kereta Eg rosak and i'm already late to work, so he offer to hantarkan, lagipun kebetulan kitaorg mmg sehala. Eg ask him out later to thank him, and also, sbb he's kindda cute, so aper salahnyer kenal mengenal. Turns out after 3 kali outing ( and tiga kali outing tu la jugak, Eg is the one yg membayar semua meal) and after everytime i call him and he happens to be with his frenz or dia mls nak layan and jawab '" eh nnt la i call u balik", and after everytime he rang me when he's lonely and start ber" ayat jiwang n caring'' towards me, Eg then decide to just get rid of this LOSER. Aleh-aleh skrg ni, slalu plak antar sms or call or YM bertanyakan khabar and nak ajak kluar. Hmmmm...sorry la, if u think u can get free meal coupon from me again, mintak maap la.
Hmmmm...... lelaki..lelaki. Korang ni mana2 pun lebih kurang samer gak. Masa Eg bagi korang chance, korang layan Eg mcm hampeh, korang rasa saham korang tinggi sangat, biler Eg chow...... korang plak terkejar-kejar. Korang mmg pandang pempuan ni mcm toys kan!!!?? But sorry bro, i'm not like any other girls yg suka main jual mahal ok!. When i said YES....it means YES, When i said NO, i mean NO. I had this respond from my opismate once. He comments that, if a girl ask him out, dia rasa pempuan ni tak thrill and tak challenging langsung, tak fun to be with. Hmmm.... menyirap jugak darah Eg biler dgr komen dia. Nak ajer ckp kat dia " Ngko ni bodoh, ego jer besar bapak, tapi otak besar kutu. Tak belajar sejarah betul. Nabi Muhammad tu pun Siti Khadijah yg pergi meminang tau, ngko ingat ngko tu lagi mulia dari Nabi Muhammad?"
Tapi jangan marah yer abang2 sekalian, Eg tau bukan semua lelaki camtu, Rasa-rasanyer, walaupun they are almost extinct, tapi rasanyer ader 5% lagi lelaki yg betul2 baik kat dunia ni kot. Pada mana2 yang terasa tu, mintak maap banyak2 la, dont blame me ok, blame it on your own species.
Isu lain yg buat Eg sangat2 membara and terbakar pada pagi Jumaat yg mulia ni ha, is because ader la sorang minah kat opis ni panggil Eg "bodoh'', just because i cant differentiate her voice from another girl's voice when she interkom me this morning. Hmmm...ringan jer kaki Eg ni nak naik floor atas and tampar mulut minah ni laju2. Dah la dalam masa 10 minit tu jer dekat 20 kali interkom Eg sbb nak cari kalau2 si A or si B or si C ader tak kat meja diorg kat floor bawah ni. Bodoh betul minah ni, ka lau nak cari A or B or C skalipun, interkom jer la meja diorg, kalau diorg tak angkat tu maksudnyer dia takder la kat situ. Takyah la nak tanya aku plak, aku ni bukan receptionist @ secretary@ mak@ bini diorang la.
Bangsat betul minah sekor ni. Eg tau la Eg ni bukan species pempuan yg baik2 and lemah lembut mcm dia tuh, and Eg ni mmg semua org tau species mulut lepas, yg jatuh dlm kategori mulut takder insurance. Tapi, seingat Eg, Eg cuma akan mencarut2 camtu pd org yg mmg patut di "carut"kan kerana sikap2 mereka sendiri yg menyakitkan hati Eg sampai ker tahap maksimum. Ataupun, Eg cuma ckp mcm tu kat kawan2 yg rapat and Eg mmg tau yg kitaorg ni dari species yg samer. Contohnyer my best frenz yg bernama E-kin and Makcik CTjaja kita tu ha. Walaupun bahasa percakapan kitaorg between each other tu bunyinyer sangat kesat (kesat tahap yg kalau bakal mak mertua lalu and dengar, sure kitaorg ni cancel dari list utk dijadikan menantu), tapi kita org mmg dah phm yg benda2 yg kluar dari mulut kitaorg tu, we dont really mean it, sbb kitaorg very close and paham hati masing2. Huh...tolong la minah oi, ngko ingat ngko tu layak ker berdiri samer tinggi dgn aku ni ha ( walaupun kenyataannyer ngko tu lagi tinggi dari aku)... Damnnn.
Dah la, sbnrnyer Eg mmg tau yg Minah ni mmg dengki kat Eg since day 1 Eg joint company ni. Minah ni tak sudah-sudah dari dulu lagi suka komen Eg, about the way how i like to eat my jelly la, about how my footstep sound everytime Eg naik tangga la, kononnyer tak cukup sopan sebagai seorang pempuan, sbb tuh sampai skarang still single, sbb lelaki tak suka pempuan ganas cam Eg. Hellooooooo!!!!! ngko tu giler ker tak sedar diri, ngko lupe ke yg ngko tu sebaya dgn aku and ngko tu pun blum kawen2 gak. Well at least, seganas2 Eg ni, Eg bukan species pempuan yg suka bermuka-muka and berpura-pura baik and lemah lembut padahal hati tu penuh dgn hasad dengki and busuk macam bangkai.I am what i am. What u see is what u get. Sorry la babe, dont hate me just because i'm 10 times more beautiful than u, 10 times smarter than you and the boss love me 10 times more than you ( Eh...ni bukan Eg perasan sendiri k, Alfian yg ckp that he loves me and Ahmad more than u guys, so that's why the boss sponsor kitaorg gi holiday kat London for 4 days), so learn to deal with it. Kalau ngko pun nak Alfian tu sayang ngko lebey, aper kata ngko practice balik tiap2 hari pukul 9 mlm, and practice utk jadi org yg berani nak ber'cekau" dgn client ko masa tgh meeting sbb client ngko tu bodoh nak mampus.
Hish....tension betul, pempuan ni pun kekadang tak leh pakai gak. Ramai betul yg suka berlagak mcm baik and bagus. Budget macam confident jer dapat masuk syurga sbb diorg pakai tudung and cakap lemah lembut (espcially depan lelaki) and control cun 24-7, padahal...masa2 terluang tu slalu sgt bergossip pasal sesaper ntah and hati tu penuh dgn hasad dengki. Fake betul!
Haaaaa.........lega betul sbb dapat mengarut2 dalam blog ni.......................Dah la, Eg nak gi solat hajat mintak ampun dgn tuhan sbb banyak mencarut since pagi. -
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't sleep. For the past one hour, i've been tossing and turning on the empty bed. There's a lot of things that i wanted to write here, but i just couldn't. I know i need to spill it out but i just couldn't find the right words.
I suddenly miss a lot of things tonight. I miss to feel the rain on my skin, the green grass beneath my bare feet. Missing my beloved Scofield pur when he sleep next to me, or when i'm awaken by his lick on my face while i'm sleeping because he needs his daily dose of Frieskies. I miss not to sleep alone and to feel someone playing with my hair while i'm half asleep. I miss my male best friend, Acai, whom will always answer," Gapo?!" verytime i yell his name. And missing how he would always says " Dah jangan nangis, jgn dengar cakap orang" everytime i cry and i told him, " Acai, those people said bad things about me".
I hate you Abby, i never blame you for anything, but tonight, I really do hate you, because u leave me here all by myself to face all this mean people who love to judge me. I hate you because you have the chance to leave this place and run away from all this people and all their craziness so you could heal your wounded heart and start your life all over again, far away from here.That's very mean of you Abby. I hate you for that.
And i hate all those people who try to get their hand on me, for they don't know what is it that is they are trying to hold. But the moment they touch me, the moment they feel my skin, they told me, i'm not good enough for anything.........................
I dont know how to become someone else, i dont want to. I only knew how to become myself.People told me that is exactly what i should do, but why can't they accept me for who i am? I dont know, its either they dont know what they are preaching about or they just another hypocrite. I dont care, i hate both.
It's almost two in the morning, i should try to sleep before my eyes become more swollen. The tears had stop but the pain is still there........ -
The untittled.......
Spending the weekend in Cherating, even thou it is just for a day, I guess it should be worthwhile, especially when it is “all expenses paid for”. Arriving at Cherating sometimes around midnight, I guess I should enjoy a wonderful sleep until late morning. But I didn’t. On the early morning, the moment I opened my eyes, the first thing that struck my mind was my younger brother, Aun. Aun is my birth mom’s son from her second marriage. He is currently pursuing his study in Dungun, Terengganu. I have not spoken to him in almost 4 years, since the day when I packed my bag and left.
The moment Eg dengar suara Aun at the other end of the line, hati terasa sebak and sayu. Soalan pertama yang ditanya “ Bila kakak nak balik rumah?, Sampai bila kakak nak marah pada mak?”. Serta merta perasaan marah Eg meluap-luap biler disebut nama Emak. Eg tak tahu sama ada Eg ni anak derhaka kerana membenci ibu sendiri, ibu yang melahirkan tapi tidak pernah membesarkan. Jahat ke EG?, EG tak pasti, namun yang pasti, saat ini Eg belum mampu memaafkan segala perbuatan emak, segala kata-kata emak. I’m sorry, but I cannot stop blaming her for all the misery that I have to put up with thru out my life.
I guess some of you wonder what the hell am I talking about, but I trust some of you might have a little idea what actually had happen. The story about Anna, is actually about me. And my mother, is the one who did nothing but to pretend that nothing is happening at that time. God knows how much I suffered and only God knows how terrible the pain was. I did, few time, thinking that I should run away, but I didn’t, and the only reason why I’m willing to stay is Aun, my brother. He was only 3 and I was only 10 back then. When ever I’m not around, I know that bastard that we called “Ayah” would beat the hell out of my little brother. Often when I came home from school, I found bruises on his tiny body. How could he did this to him, worst, how could mom let this happened. It breaks my heart so bad that I would offer my self in exchange. Do what he want to me but please spear my brother. Life was so disastrous back then, at the tender age of 10, I’ve started smoking, mingle around with all other troubled kids, already master the tactic of stealing things from the department store without being caught.
But I guess enough is enough, after 2 years of sustaining such violence, I’ve decided I had enough and I have to leave that hell. After countless session of counseling at school, I told the counselor to contact my father, I want to come back to a place that I was once called home. But even after I manage to walk out of it, I’m no longer the same person. I was so broken, nope, I guess I was damaged. My abah, cannot understand why I’m such an enraged little girl. He didn’t have a clue of things that had happened, I keep myself mum.I didn’t tell him the whole truth, I wanted to I just don’t know how. Abah did try to change me for the better, but I refused. I remember Abah once try to teach me how to recite the Quran, but I bravely and angrily told him that I don’t want to have any religion, I hate GOD and I will never ever want to learn any of this. And that is how I grew up. I grew up with such anger. I was angry at everyone, especially GOD, for being unfair, for not answering my prayers. I was always angry most of the time, and I was so depress too. I hate people, especially those who try to be nice to me, those who try to love me, they failed miserably. The truth was, I’m not just mad about everything, I was scared too. I’m scared of being hurt again, scared to trust, the worst is, I was scared to love
Things got worst after I finish my secondary school, that is when my birth mom once again trying to get hold of me. She is the one person that I can’t never say “NO” to, I was petrified by her. My depression becomes worst, especially when my mom is around. I remember I keep on being mad and angry all the time, always find my self in trouble. Most of the time, when I was so furious, I constantly breaking things, the only things that could help me to make me feel better is by smoking or sometimes by self mutilating or I just pop some sleeping pills so I could sleep. I still remember, there is this 1 time, I locked myself in the room, my blood was everywhere and I slept till the next morning, woke up, clean all the broken glasses and pretend as if nothing had happened. I told friends that I accidentally cut myself while cleaning. It was a tell tale sign that I needed help, but I could not see it, too young to understand.
Then, I met Abby. Of all the people whom tried to get close to me, Abby was the only one that ever show me that it is okay to let someone into my life, to allow someone to love and above all, to have the gut to tell others about how I felt. Abby was the one that teach me how to trust and how to love. But I guess Abby was not strong enough, not brave enough to fix me. And I knew it breaks his heart, and that being the main reason why he left. Losing Abby, was the turning point in my life. I realized then that I need to change and I did, every day I wake up determine to become better than the day before, and I started to learn to trust, to learn to accept other people into my life. It was difficult at first, it still is, but at least, I know, at certain extend I’m not alone anymore.
And I’ve started to slowly share my secrets and talks about my life. I realized now that it was not my fault at all. I’m just another victim of this cruel world. Early this year, my birth mom manage to track me down and started to harass me. I was so scared, I wanted to keep on running away from her, but then I realized that I should stop running and confront her instead. But I needed a very strong support, so I left with no other option but to let the cat out of the bag and told Abah and Umi the whole secret that I’ve kept for the past 17 years of my life. Umi cried and cried and cried, while Abah was so enrage, asking me all the details question, what when where how…etc. I didn’t really answered those questions, I simply told them that, those was my past, all I ever wanted now is to forget about this and live my life as normal as I could. Abah confronted Mak and warned her not to ever contact me anymore. I think he manage to scares her off, coz I never hear any single word from her ever again, but I sometimes do receive mysterious phone calls every now and then and even thou I could not hear anything from the other end of the line, my intuition told me, it was her, my mother.
Well, I think I can sleep well every night now….. Nope, actually it’s a lie, I don’t sleep that well at night, I still think about this most of the time. I still miss my brothers, Aun and Farez ( Farez is my mom’s youngest son from her 3rd marriage). And I still question myself deeply, leaving her, my mother, is it a right decision. As a daughter, as much I hate her, she is still my birthmother. Deep down inside I do feel pity for her. But I don’t have the courage yet to forgive her and to meet her. Not now, not ever I guess, coz I know, my mother, she is still the same person she used to be and she will never ever realized that she was the main reason for all her kids agony. She just too self centered, she can’t even hear her kids cried even thou she try.
Frenz,
Please, I don’t need your sympathies. That is not my mere intention of sharing this another reality of life with you guys. I just hope that you guys can learn a thing or two about this cruel life. Listen to us, the broken heart from the broken home. Look at me and look back at your own self, those who had it all, ask yourself, did u appreciate all that you have or you just simply take it for granted?.
Eg sedar, some of you out there, look at me as if Eg ini kotor and jijik, but before you judge me any further, lihat lah pada diri sendiri, are you any better than me? If you were in my shoes, do you think you can crawl out of this mess better than I did. I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think so.Tapi Eg juga mengerti, and Eg will not blame you for looking at me this way, coz I know, kamu semua tidak mengerti, what does it feel like to be me. Dan sebagai manusia, kita mmg tidak akan mampu memahami hati orang lain walaupun kita mencuba. We’re just human, not angels.
I’ve been thru a lot in this short life of mine and I have to sincerely admit that I make few mistake in my life, and I knew, some of you merasakan bahawa Eg tak layak to preach about life apatah lagi agama, kerana background Eg and because I wear sleeveless during workout, but I think u guys are wrong. I think I’m the best candidate to talk about this life and tentang tuhan. I knew now that GOD instead is fair, maybe he did not answer my prayers back then, but he surely showers me with almost everything now. And Eg mengerti sekarang bahawa, hanya dengan kembali kepadaNya, baru lah hati EG akan menjadi tenang.
Eg tidak mahu dikasihani, I don’t want to apologise for being who I was and who I am now, Eg hanya mahu difahami, Eg mahu diberikan peluang kedua, bukan setakat utk survived dlm hidup ini, but to really live this life like other people. Sometimes I do feel tired of trying to just survived, but I keep on telling my self, in life, death is not an option, so I need to keep on breathing.
Most of the time, I do wonder, will there be other people that can accept me for who I am, with all my flaws but still manage to see the beauty part of me?. I guess, there will be some, thou not many. And I guess those people are the one yang akan mejadi permata yang Eg cari selama ini, and will be my angel yang Eg tunggu setiap hari. -
Life.....penat lagi memenatkan!
Hidup ini penat, lagi memenatkan! I guess so.
Entah la, tak tau la kenapa hari ni rasa penat. Penat badan??, tak kot!, Penat mental, tak gak! Penat hati? pun tak kot? Entah la, tak tau la kenapa, biler balik kerja hari ni cuma terasa macam nak tido, tapi tak pejam pun mata ni, cuma baring atas sofa sambil tgk TV. Tapi entah cerita aper kat TV tu pun tak tau la, last2 baru perasan rupanyer berita mandarin, padanla tak paham! Hmmmm... aper lagi yg boleh dibuat selain mengarut dalam blog ni.
Peeking at other people's life, nampak mcm perfect, tapi if we were in their shoes, mesti kita pun merungut penat kan.Life was never perfect, and it will never be. Human was never satisfied and they will never be too.
Question......!
What is it that we want in this life?.......I ask my self this question too many times i guess. In detailed, i can list 100 different things, Honda civic, a house , a grey cat, a pair of twins, a marvelous job...bla..bla..bla. but as a whole, i guess, i didn't know! I no longer know what i want. Sometimes, life just become soooo confusing. Sometimes life seems like it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes all that i ever want is to just sit back, eat some chocolate cake while watching some funny movie and fall asleep. i always love to sleep infront of the TV. That way, i can hear people voices when i'm half asleep.
Funny.....i always hate people ( adults), i hate crowd, i hate people trying to be close to me, i hate people who invade my privacy, i hate people who care too much about me. But i also hate being alone.......i hate not being able to talk, i hate not to laugh, i hate not being able to touch another human being, another living creatures, i hate to sleep in a very quiet room. i need to at least hear some voices or sound or music.
U know what...i think that's enough crap for the time being, I dont know what i'm writing. It doesn't make sense, but i just feel like writing......suddenly, my tummy is craving for a bolognese. well gotta start cooking. -
Arisha Nurliana......
Arisha Nurliana is her name and she just turn 3 last month.I dont know what to say about her, its not because i got nothing to say, but because there's so many thing that i wanted to say about that tiny tot! I suddenly found myself missing her, miss her badly.I miss the way she clutch my neck when she sleep next to me or when she was screaming for me, when she just found a caterpillar by the flower pot.
When ever i'm with her, as much as i hate it, i have to change myself for the better. On the way to the zoo, i realised i did not drive the same way as i normally do, Infact, Jaja, take the oppourtunity to tease me " Eh! kenapa ko bawak slow jer hari ni". Or when i accidently curse or swear to the stupid driver infront of me, Icah said..." Mommy cakap "bodoh!", and i regretfully realised that.."alamak...ader telinga kecik plak yg tgh dengar". I always scared to take up a new challenge or responsibility coz i always fear that i could not live up to the expectation, but when it comes to Icah, she did not really expect me to achieve any certain level. she just want me to play with her, care for her and be there for her. she did not expect me to become perfect.Every little thing that i do or said when i'm with her, it just comes naturally.
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She's very active and smart little girl. I find it rather hard to keep up with her, physically or mentally.I always have to be smart enough to find a smart answer to some of her funny-funny questions about life, like when she ask me why did her nose did not extend as long as the elephant's. It took me almost a minute to figure out something smart without making my self sounds dump infront of her or risk being ask another tricky question related to my answer.
Unfortunately, she not really mine, not biologically.She is my best friend's daughter. I had always love Icah since the day she was born, since the first time i lay my eyes on her, my heart just melted.Therefore, every now and then, i'll always visited her or sometimes i just kidnap her and take her for some shopping spree or best, we both really love to indulge ourself with BASKIN ROBBIN.
But it is such a pain to parted after spending too much time with each other. I still remember how teribble it feel to hear her crying when i returned her to her parents that afternoon after the trip to the zoo. even after i reach my car, 3 floor down, i can still hear her crying.
I remember telling Jaja, i really need to get married and have a really beautiful daughter like Icah, or maybe a son, or maybe i can get lucky and strike both at one shot...hahhahahhahah -
I'm not up for this game...............
I’m a little bit mad today, I don’t know why, maybe because my whole body is aching due to ‘over exercising’ or any other particular reason, I don’t know, I’m just mad and I just want to release everything here, so please, excuse me for my language.
WHAT IS IT WITH MAN???...Seriously, I’m asking you, what is it with man and this stupid game that they played. This relationship game that they played. I seriously cannot understand this, let alone accept this, worst I can't even play this game. I’m suck at this.
I could not understand why did some man decided to march to a woman or text her or call her from thousand miles away and tell her that he wanted to know her. And I also could not understand after much rejection from the woman, the guy will keep on coming until the woman gave up and let him in, but the funniest part is, when she’s ready to open up, the man thinks its not fun anymore and walk away. I’m sorry, I don’t know what is the name of this game that u people play. But honestly, I’m suck at this and I don’t have any interest to take part but somehow, with a little twist of fate, I always found myself involuntarily become part of the players. Fuck this…Fuck ..fuck and fuck! What the hell is wrong with everyone!
I remember watching a movie not so long ago, a Korean movies with the title that read “SEDUCING MR PERFECT”. The story evolves around Min Joon whom with the help of his boss, Mr Robin is trying to change her attitude in order to end her barren season of keep on being dump by man. The movie highlighted a few tips on how a woman can survived playing this same type of game. This include :
1- Pretend that you are not really bother bout him, even thou deep down inside you are dying to hug him and tell him that you love him.
2- Don’t pick up his call, not until at least few miscall. Let him chase U instead.
3-Let him shower you with everything that you want, gift, treatments etc. Don’t even bother to pay for your share of meal. Make him treat you like a princess.
Min Joon played by the rule at first, only to regret it later, because she feel guilty, coz she feel that she did not being honest, not to others but to her own self.
I’m very much like Min Joon, I agree with her. I don’t see a point why you cannot or are not allowed to be honest especially to yourself in a relationship. Call me stupid, call me naïve or anything that you like but to me, I don’t want to hide my feelings, I don’t wanna play game. I just wanna be honest. What’s wrong with telling someone and mean it at the same time that you really do love them? I want to quietly snuggle my man from behind, land a warm kiss on his cheek and tell him I love him and just leave him to finish reading his favorite book while I finish doing the laundry. What’s wrong with wanting to have this?
And I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t pay for my fair share of meal once in a while. And I refuse to be treated 24-7 as a queen. I’m not a queen, I’m just another ordinary human being. I want to be treated like another human being as well. I didn’t ask for much, all I ask for is for him to be honest and sincere and we both should unconditionally accept each other. I don’t give a shit if he really cannot live without his PS2, just sit next to me and play your stupid counter strike while I trying to solve my 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. i want to be myself, iwant to be as transparents as i could be. and i just want someone that could just hold my hand and look right thru my eyes and see that there are more that i could offer. i have so much love to give, but i could not find someone that i could give it out to.
Someone told me, I should stop being honest, if I really want to survived. I always refuse to accept this. Why can’t I be myself? Why can’t I be honest/ why can’t I told other how I feel and think?. This is absurd, this is insane. But maybe, this world is no longer a good place to live. Maybe this world is nothing more than hell on earth. Well if that is the case, can GOD please be kind enough, to sent me an angle and fly me away from here. Anywhere, I don’t care anymore.This is why i hate adults and hate being adults. Adults care too much, bother too much. Adults just want to be perfect, when the truth is, they could never be perfect. Thus adults end up being imposters. I love being around kids. Kids are so sincere, kids are so pure and they accept you for who you are.
I’m sorry, I’m just disappointed and sad, lately, there’s quite a few number of man that suddenly, out of the blue, calling me or text me or just came standing right in front of me and ask “ Ita, I nak kluar dgn u, u nak tak?”. I’m sorry, I have to say it’s a brave gesture, but since I heard the same sentence one to many time, it started to sound too similar and fake that I start to hate it. I hate men that say sweet words to me, I hate man that say they like my lips, my nose and my eyes when it is actually mean nothing to them. I hate man that think I might be good to become another collection of their toys.
To men out there,
I’m sorry, I know that I’m not a supermodel but I know, I’m not ugly either. And I’m no Queen of Sheba but somehow, sometimes I do found men flock to me for what ever reason that I didn’t know. And I know that some of you think that my two busty lump on my chest looks too juicy to resist and my butt looks like they really need a good slap, but please, all that I want to tell you guys is…I’m as much human as anybody else in this world. I might fight and argue like a man in the board room but I’m as fragile and as affectionate as any other woman in this world. I’m not just another pretty face that sit next to you in the train. So if you wanna get to know me just because you like to stare at my tits more than my eyes, please…I’m begging you guys, just leave me alone. Please don’t even come near me. And please don’t even care to say things that you don’t even mean it. I’ve been thru a lot, and my heart is broken, if you can’t fix it, please be kind enough not to even touch it.
I’m sorry, I’ve decided, I’m not going to give my heart to anyone ever again. I’ve made a promise to myself, I would not fall in love ever again. If I’m destined to be the old spinster who died alone, then just let it be, I’ll accept my fate and just let me cry on GOD’s arm. Just let HIM be the one who understand my pain. Call me coward, or what ever that you want, but I would rather to live like this than to once again handed my fragile heart to someone that would crush it beyond repair.
I’m sorry guys, just be my friend, but not more than friend.
Frenz,
I know that u guys anxiously waiting for the update of the recent progress between me and that Bintulu Guy ( his name is Shaik), but I’ve decided, if he want to become friend, then be my friend, but if he wants to be more than friends, I guess I have to say maybe not now, maybe later or maybe NO, I don’t know. I really don’t want to think about it. I just wanna to be alone and let me cry....... -
This can't be happening...............
Few days ago, i received sms from unfamiliar number. The content of the sms explain that the sender wish to get to know me. I didn't really feel OK about this. I mean, i hate strangers who manage to get my mobile number without my permission. He explained that it was my friend, Hisyam who gave him my number and encourage him to get to know me. I despise the situation, thus sarcastically and cynically replying his sms's, hoping that it could drove him away. But it didn't, he keep on trying to get closer to me and explain his true intention is only trying to befriend with me. I gave up and agree.
So we text, call or email each other almost everyday. I have to admit that i'm actually just flirting with him and just enjoying the situation coz I just need some divergence sometimes. But as the times goes by, I started to see that this guy might be genuinely sincere and his sms that started to sound sweeter by the day suggesting that he might want to be more than friends.
The moment I realized bout this, I started to freak out. I think this whole getting to know each other thing, is moving too fast. Honestly it started to scares me. I mean, the only man that I allow to come close to me after Abby was Am, and that does not turn out nice. So I’m kindda in a condition where I’m not in the mood for anything serious. I guess it still hurts. I try to find a reason to bail out and run away (things that I am really good at). But last nite, he drop me a bomb. He confess that he is actually a divorcee with a 4 years old daughter, and he explains that the main reason he confess to me this is because he don’t want me to think that he just want to fool around with me. I was so shocked, I don’t know how to react to this. So I call him and explain to him that I think everything is moving way too fast and it just freaks me out. I ask him to back off a little and give me some time and space to think. He respectfully agreed.
Frenz, talk to me…I don’t know how or what to think:
1- I’m scared to death to once again to open up and allow some one to come close to me. I’m not really sure about this, I think I’m still traumatized. But I know deep down inside, I would love to get to know someone that is very sincere towards me. What should I do?
2- Hisyam told me, he had know this guy for almost a decade, and he knew that this guys is for real. His separation with his wife was not his fault. But how can I tell if he really for real?
3- I love kids, I always do, but looking at the pattern of our progress, I start to feel that there might be a chance where if we both really like each other, we might end up as ‘more than friend”. And if this did happened, I’m not so sure if I can accept his additional baggage. I know I’m such a selfish person, and if I ever going to end up with someone, I want him all for myself. I’m not good at sharing. i don’t know if I can accept his kid as my own. But I don’t want to stand between him and his child or vice versa. But I know that I should be fair to him, I shouldn’t rejected him just because he is a divorcee with kid. That is just lame. What am I supposed to do?
I’m confuse… I don’t know what to do or to think. He is currently working and resides in Bintulu, but he’s planning to come over and visit me next month. Should I gave him a chance??....help……
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I'm not pregnant............I'm just fat!
I went to the bank this morning, to settle somethings with the cards, the ever polite and friendly customer service take the oppourtunity to introduce to me some other service that they provided. I told her that i'm currently interested in 1 particular product, the housing loan, since i'm planning to buy myself a small apartment next year.
I dont know what was the girl thinking when she suddenly ask me " you are pregnant right?". I guess she just trying to be nice and offer me some advice on the right kind of property that would suit a small family.My answer were just simple, " No, i'm not pregnant, i'm just fat!".
I noticed for the past few month, i have encountered the same question almost 5 times already. Some times, i just laugh at it, sometimes, i ran to the nearest mirror available and asked, did i really look like i'm pregnant. I know since last year i've gained a healthy (and not so healthy either) 7 kilos. But i have to admit that i'm not really that fat. I just happened to be a little bit rounder and fuller than last year. Can't help it if i had that right curve at the right places (and at the not so right places as well). I dont want to be a size zero or someone with nothing but skin and bones. I like to be curvy.
I know i had this tiny bump on my belly, some thought i'am pregnant therefore they thought it is a cute little baby bump. But the truth is, i get this flabby belly after i had my appendix and ovarian cycst surgically remove a little over 2 years ago, since then , my belly went bloating like i will never become flat again. And i love food that much, so much that i would rather gained a kilo and scream like mad than to have to say no to my favourite asam pedas or baskin robbin.
I know, i should start exercising and dieting, but honestly, for a food lover like me, diet is too hard when you live in Malaysia. the land where you found yourself surrounded with 1001 variety of mouthwatering cuisine. And no, i'm not that fat, or too fat either, probably, it due to this cute little dress that i wear to work today, or probably its that time of the month again.
I guess i just have to live with it, being question every now and then if that belly bump i had is actually a cute little baby bump. And i guess my answer will always remain the same..." I'm not pregnant, i'm just fat!"
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The man who can't be moved
I got nothing to say today, i'm just sleepy....But i want to share this with you guys. The more i listen to it, the more beautiful the words become....
Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"
Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you
Cause If one day you wake up and find that missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
I'm not moving, I'm not moving
Policeman says, "son you can't stay here"
I said, "there's someone I'm waiting for If it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go
Cause If one day you wake up and find that missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving
People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world
Maybe i'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
cause you'll know it's just for you
Im the man who can't be moved
please go here to check out the clips
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw-J8kC5DHo
