itahatta
female - 28 years, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia
Blog 64
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She's my nemesis
Well actually, I hate to post this blog, coz I swear to GOD that this post sounds a little bit smug, but since my blog is actually a product of my own thought about the universe and everything within, including my own self, and this blog page is merely the place where I burst out all my feelings, including sadness, extreme jovial etc, I then could not find the reason why I could not post this one as well.
Last Friday, we had our 1st staff meeting for the year. What I meant by staff meeting is a meeting attended by each and everyone in the office, including the receptionist and the most unwanted person in the meeting, the Big Boss, Yaz.
The main agenda of the meetings ( among other things) was his ( the Big Boss) disappointment with 3 of our project, namely MCOT, JDS& RDS and Resak. This is due to the failure to wrap up the projects even though it has long exceed its maturity period. In a more simpler words, the projects has exceeded the dateline and had burst the allowable budgetary expenses , therefore, with every day that pass us by, we are actually running on losses. To sincerely shown his disappointment , he announced that from that day onward, there will be no more hardship allowance to the personnel that is travelling outstation to the respective project location. Everyone accepted the news with the frown on their face, including me. Buts seconds later, he also announce that exclusion for this new rule were given to those whom involved with the Angsi desander project. My face light up instantly , but my nemesis, she frowned harder.
My nemesis, that is how I normally look at her. Like I mentioned before, she hates me since the 1st day I joined the company. She always try to find reasons to pick on me, from the colour of my hair, to the genre of music that I normally listen to, till the way she thinks how I executed my work. Calling me names, behind my back whenever she thought I was not listening, bad mouthing bout me in front of the bosses among other things. Honestly, I seriously think that she is really good at all this office politic games.
And me, being my own self, rarely find myself in the need to retaliate to her stupidity. Yea, that is what I normally call it, her attitude towards me. I believe I knew why she hates me that much. Previously, before I arrived, she was the apple of the bosses eyes, but then, I had unwillingly and subconsciously had remove her from her position, bit by bit. I only realized bout this, after few month of leading the Angsi project, after I realized the special treatment and benefits that was given to me in comparison to other people in the office. But of course, unlike her, I did not climb the corporate ladder by serving coffee everyday for my bosses, and I also did not find the rational in stabbing or jeopardizing other people in order to secure my position.
During lunch today, my boss, Alfian, mentioned to me that for the new company that will start the operation on May, he had already decided to maintain the ATSB trio, Ahmad, Faisal and myself, while the rest, their fate is still unknown. I surprised myself by saying that I would love if the new company can keep her ( my namesis) as well. It is purely because I honestly think that she actually can go far and can perform better with the right push on the right direction, only if she can improve her confidence in public relation, communication and definitely she can perform better if she can shed all the jealousy and hatred she had towards people that she look at as her competitor.
Its funny thou, she hates me, and I’m well aware of that. And she drives me insane most of the time, and we both share a lot of qualities in common but we can hardly be in the same room together. But on top of that, I could never find a reason why I should use what ever power or privileges that was given to me just to make her life miserable. I really2 hope that someday she’ll understand, that this was never meant to be personal, it just business -
I've found GOD
I guess I have found HIM. I can’t say that He found me, coz He’s always here by my side,I’m just too blind and too ignorance to see and to feel his presence.
I guess I found HIM, in the cold morning air that I breathe in, every morning when I wake up. I found HIM in the laughter’s of a young child, running around chasing the grey kitten. And in the weak squeaking noise of new born puppies in the bushes under the tree.
I feel HIS presence in every step that I take, walking among the trees, feeling most of my fear has started to fade away, in the chirping of birds, merrily on the trees, in the faces that smiles back at me when I smile at them. I feel HIS compassion in those crying faces, HIS comfort during this chaos and uncertainties.
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Since the last few weeks, people keep on asking me, why did I look so different, I look happier, the glow is so obvious to see. I, most of the time, jokingly reply that I just change my whole range of skin care product.
The situation is quite bad lately, financial, work stress and stuff, but amazingly, I can’t help but to feel a little undisturbed bout the whole situation. I guess my idiosyncrasy is now working in my favour.
I guess I found solace in reading books, watching movies or simply just looking at people that pass me by, listening how each and everyone are so busy mumbling and nagging bout almost everything. I don’t know, I just don’t have a clue how I could become so relax in this time of uncertainties. Last week, my house mate and my colleague was quite worried, that I take the whole “breaking my car and stealing my lappy” thing calmly. Most of my frenz knew that naturally, during incident like this, people need to listen to my awful swearing and cursing and my unforgivable paroxysm of rage for at least half of the day. But this time, I’m just too relax and too quiet to convince to everyone that I’m still very much my own self. I guess, maybe its merely because my priorities in life has started to change.
When I say that my priority has change, I don’t mean that I’ve found someone whom I’m madly in love with and wedding bell and babies is something that is going to happen in the next few calculative period. No, that’s not it, even thou this question is the most questioned “question” addresses to me lately, but unfortunately, that’s not it. I’m still the single, happy free spirited lady and still find it satisfying of being one.
But what I meant by changing my priorities are, I’m not longer so obsess in trying to fulfil my material desires or other stuff. I still love the CIVIC, I really do, but I’don’t really think that I’ll be getting one any soon, I should just keep my Gen2, my car is no longer my proud toys, it just a necessity. And my work, is still a career to me, but I have no longer allowed my career and my ambition to take control of my life. My work are no longer the prime items that defines me. These days, I leave office at around the same time everyday, 6 O clock in the evening, then enjoying my quiet time of my own, listening to music, exercise, hang out with frenz or simply reading something. Spending the weekends with fun activities, cooking and entertaining my guest with foods, while enjoying some pleasant laugh.
I still do take my life seriously, but did not implement the seriousness in life. I'm very much still is the same sarcastically brave and carzy person, it just that now i choose to use this gifted sarcartism ability only during unavoidable situation. I guess ,probably maybe, I’ve found my reason and my purpose, I’ve identify my priorities and probably, it is as simple as I’ve found GOD and happy to know that He is watching over me. -
My Car...My laptop...My work.....
....Some idiot broke my car window last nite, and took my laptop and my Gym bag.
i hide the laptop underneath the driver's seat, but i stupidly left the gym bag on the back seat. I got my hands full of everything and left the car by the street where crowd are busy passing by, leave it for half an hour only to realised that the window was broken, and all my life support ( My laptop that consist of every detail of my work since the past 2 years) has gone.
I hope he enjoy smelling my dirty smelly gym attire. I spend 2 and a half hour waiting for the " inspector shahab" to finish another critical report of fist fighting before he can come and entertain my report. I didnt cry, i didnt whine, instead i ask the inspector " Lamer lagi ker?, saya ngantuk nak balik tido ni".... He stares at me as if he can't really believe his ears, hearing bout my question.
Its not that i dont feel sad or angry, i'm just normal, emotionless and a little bit positive. I mean, i dont see a point where i maybe could gain back my lappy if i scream, cried and roll over in the middle of the road. So i figure, since its almost 2 in the morning, i better go home, sleep and think about it tmrw.
So, the only things that i should be telling my self are:
1- Deserve me right, padan muka, kenapa tak nak buat back up for all my work related item kat dlm lappy tu!
2-Never ever, I mean everrrrrrr....... put all your thumb drive, laptop, or external HD in the same bag.
3- ALways bare in mind,. while i dont feel the need to steal, others dont feel the same way too...
Hmmm..... there goes my offshore claim yg beriban-riban, fixing my car and getting my self a new laptop...
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- a....wa......
P/S: people, excuse me for my lannguage, excuse me for my grammar an even excuse me with my spelling. This is the product from some one who, slept at 3 and wake up at 6.30 in the morning, staring at the car for almost 30 minutes, and still calculating what to do next with all the documents that was lost.... -
A dog, a woman and agroup of self claim hu"MAN"
Last midnite, upon coming home from my hang outs with frenz, approaching the security guard check point of my apartment, i notice few cars in front of me were suddenly breaking and switching to the other lane. It turns out that right ahead, there’s a really skinny puppy wondering around on that road, so people move to the other side of the road to avoid running over the puppy. However, i notice there’s something peculiar bout the puppy thou, he seems disoriented. Looking at the physical condition of the puppy, I figure, he must be diseased or something.
I decided to park my car, near the security guard office and walk down the hill towards the location of the puppy. I’m afraid that someone might overlook him in the middle of the road and run over him. I only intended to check on the puppy and shift him to a more safer place.
When I arrived, I saw a pretty ugly view in front of me. A bunch of man on their bikes, I rather call it teenagers; I presume they might be youngster at their early twenties; they were hounding the poor puppy, throwing small pebbles and scaring that poor soul. As I clutch the puppy, I asked them if they did not have any other beneficial things to do than just wandering round at nite and bullying some other poor creatures. Their answer and their attitude did not surprise me at all.
They call me names and label me as “hell doom” for trying to be a hero and save the poor puppy. As I was speaking in bahasa, they knew that I’m a muslim and scream at me bout how Islam teaching had indicated that the dog is Haram, and I’m a sinfull person for touching the puppy. One of them even try to scares me by trying to mock that he wanted to run me over. I become so enraged and called him “PIG” instead.
It’s sadden me to realize that some times, man are more beast than the beast that attacked them. I’m a muslim, I knew that I’m not supposed to touch a dog, but as learn deeper, I knew the reason for this is because some type of lice inhabit the dogs fur and this lice or tick is not easily remove, unless of you clean it with a mixture of soil and water. Apart from that, I could not really find a concrete reason why I should be mean to this creature. Even in the Quran does not states that I should treat other living creature cruelly.
Although I’m a Malay, but I could never agree with most Malay point of view with respect to the matter. What sin had a dog impose to me that I need to throw stone or wood towards him. I’ve seen a stall owner who pour hot water to a dog who try to search some food on their waste bin. And I heard how the dog growl in pain. I cannot help but to feel so pity towards the dog. If I could feel terrible pain from cuts and burn, I believe animals do too, regardless if it is a cat , a mouse, a horse or even a dog. I guess some, who proudly declaring themselves as a true muslim, did not really understand the Quran teaching themselves.
So tell me, did I really committed a sin for trying to help a thin, disoriented puppy in the middle of the night? If you do think so, I would like to ask you another question, in fact I challenge you to show me, which verse in Qoran, that indicate that I should avoid and be mean towards dog. Please don’t show me any hadith from somebody’s somebody, for we all knew that some of the hadith has been manipulated by certain people for their own sake. I acknowledge only the Quran, the words that comes straight from The Almighty. Again, I would like to ask this people, do you think that you have the right to take over God’s right in determining who shall go to heaven and who shall not?.
I’m no Imam, not an ustaz not even an ustazah. I‘m not sure if I ever gonna make it to heaven either. But I know that Allah has given me a brain and a heart that I can use it, to think and to feel. -
Chicken chop and palestine............
I’m writing this while enjoying the sunny morning by the pool at Awana Kijal.
Last nite, while I’m struggling to finish up my chicken chop in the room, the Tv was reporting bout the latest situation in Gaza. I try not to keep up with the current progress, coz it simply make me sick, I’m sick of it. Not sick of the view of children being shot, houses being bomb or parents crying over their death child, but totally sick since I realized, this is all due to some sick people that is governing our world. Yes, we live in a very corrupted world ruled by a group of a very sick leader.
I guess, these days, the value of human lives is much much cheaper or even worthless, in comparison to other commodities, like oil and even something as abundant as the soil in the promised land, Palestine. I think it’s ridiculous and its so inhuman to shed a 3 years old's blood over the dispute of territory. Its not really a dispute, its invasion, by “ you know who”. What the hell is wrong in this world that we are living in?
All I can say is, the prophecy is fulfilling its destiny, we can’t avoid the inevitable. All the peace talks and discussion that has been going on for days , weeks, months or even years, those are merely nothing, those are only things that they orchestrate just to show to the world that they are doing something but the fact is, they are actually not. Its just something they do just to buy time, in order to allow the starry demon, to further chased this poor innocent people out of their land. If the same thing were to happen to US or Uk, do you think they would wait for 22 days to do something about it. I know and you know that they wont allowed it to last that long. But because it happens in the Palestine, and because they had poisoned your mind into believing that this is infact the war againts terrorism and the war among religions, we have subconciously agree to let the whole war dirt to continue untill forever. Did we not see, how bad they have poisoned our mind?.
I hate to say this, hate to scares others as well, but I have to say this, hoping that others would realized that we are at the brink of the final war. WE……all of us, there’s no escaping. Its not the war between religion, its far greater than that. War to realized the meaning of their flag. The two blue stripes on the bottom and top of the flag, and the star all over in between, those symbolism, it carries a specific meanings towards it. Search and learn to understand what does it mean. U’ll find the answer for all this misery.
Last week, I read on the newspaper, as the unemployment rate is shooting rocket high in the US, most of this jobless people had choose to joint the arm forces. Now, isn’t it a cliché that they have successfully turn those people who once was strongly against their ideology of war to joint them?. Only by using the simples, sweat-less effort. By controlling our economy. By making us their slave by a very simple method that we all call “ DEBT”.
Isn’t it funny when during this economic crisis, they had multiplied their attacked to this place that they called “ The promised land”. Again, I suggest you to make your own researched on why they call it by that name. And why since the last few decades, the words “ new world order” keep on being repeated by them. And why the term “ Novus Ordo Seclorum” had been embedded in their dollar bills. Think people…think!.
The chicken chop last nite make me realized of something. I am, in many ways are more privileged than those brave youngsters that are throwing rocks to those who invaded their land. I’m trying so hard to finish my chicken chop, my 4th meal of the day, when all this kids, are trying so hard to smuggle water and basic medicine thru the tunnels that is constantly being bombed. I can go anywhere that I want to, without the fear of being hit by a stray bullets. I can go back to my hometown without experiencing the same fears that this people have to face with just to go back to their ruined house to retrieve some important items. I saw a child crying this morning, but that is because she accidentally tripped and fell down, and I saw her father offering his comfort hug and warm kiss just to console her, where there, they see kids crying too, but over their dead family, over the pain of being injured, or the kids just simply did not cry anymore, coz they are dead.
It just a reminder, for my own self, that I need to be grateful for what I have, but at the same time, I need to constantly keep myself on my toe, for these gifted luxuries, someone or something might try to take it away from me. And I shall be ready to protect it, by all means necessary. -
Angsi platform again............
I've been missing since the past few days. I've visited Angsi A platform again, for the 2nd time.
What does it feel like to be there, again, for the 2nd time, i would say the same things, it feels great. For those who enjoy the complexity of life, you'll definitely love it. Although i'm the only lady among 86 male onboard, i dont feel any different than the rest. I still have to do everything by my own self, but then again, i dont share the room with other personel,
..that would be absurb if i were to.
what did i like the most bout visiting to offshore platform....
1- 6 meals a day ( i trust i had just gain 3 kg in the past 4 days- demmit)
2-The larger than life experience ( especially for girls)
3-The beautiful sunset and star gazing at night from the helideck.
4- People who know what they are talking about.
5- People who are co-operatively working together to make somethings work.
6- Every single day on board, you wake up and see new things and learn new things.
7- That beautiful shark whale and the school of fish that accompany her around.
8- Being away from people for sometimes, and close to nature.
What i hate the most bout visiting offshore platform.
1- Morning briefing at 6.30 a.m - Please, i'm a morning person, but i normally wake up at 6.45 a.m, any sooner than that, definitely ruined my day.
2- 6 meals a day- since i'm on diet, i hate it because i'm putting my 200% effort trying not to be tempted by the foods.
3- Presentation infront of all the operation personel- I can do public speaking, i just hate doing it
4- The centralised air cond that is extremely cold- Lip balm is a must, skin lotion is a must but still my skin become extremely dry, let alone my lip...
5- The hot fume from the chopper exhaust.
6- The anxiety everytime you look down, from the top deck, for someone with combination of fear of height and hydrophobic as me, looking down from any deck is a torture.
7- Meeting with the No 1. ( platform superintendent) and No.2 ( operation supervisor)- coz they clearly knew what they are talking about.
What ever it is, the chart topper shall alway be " The huge amount of offshore claim that i should be receiving by end of the month"............ Hoooray....hoooray ( I'm doing chicken dance at this very moment)
Ok Angsi, i'll be seeing you again on May......... -
They have blinded, muted and deafen our man....
Caution: Some might find that the content of this post is a little bit saucy, my suggestion, read it thru before you jump into a conclusion, take a deep breath, sit back and take an hour of silence in order to give a deep though of what i've written.
When I was a kid, i've been told that man should always become the leader of women, that by nature man would always have more liberty in anyway compared to woman. As i grow older, i become more familiar with the idea of feminism, women liberalism and gender equality. In a way, i kindda like the idea. I believe that it should bring out the meaning of equality and fairness to all, way beyond the gender. It shall mean that with same kind of responsibility between me and another workmate, i deserve the same amount of paycheck. And it shall also meant that i'm free to go and to be with even a hundred man in a single room during my work presentation without having the fear of being slap on my butt. That should sound great rite, sound amazingly great.
But still, as independent as i wanted to be, i still believe in certain conservative- non written sets of rule. Not because that is how i've been told to believe, but because, along the way, thru my life journey, and thru a deep intellectual thinking, considering every aspect of human life, i believe that is the best option. However, based on my life experience and my observation, i found a very disturbing pattern of where this whole plot is heading. And trust me, if only you can see it, if only you can understand it, you, like me, will feel so disgust by it. By the plot that they have executed.
Since i was a child, in my primary school, i can hardly remember any boy who would fill the 1st 5th rank/number/post ( what ever you called it) of the best student in each class everytime the exam results came up. I normally secure the 1st or 2nd rank of the chart. When i enrolled on my Engineering study back in the Uni, as sad as it can be, there's only 11 boy in my batch that consist of 68 students in total.
At first, i thought, its just a matter of simple straightforward cause and effect reaction. That boys, are generally lazy, especially to study, thus, most of them end up joining the "Loser bandwagon". But I realised now, that it is far more to that equation.
I realized that there is something wrong with our educational system. Most of the subject that we teach our children, are those of based on fact that needed to be memorize, or simply a subject that requires linguistic proficiency. Take history and bahasa as an example. i knew that boys had been created to understand the complexity of mathematics and other spatial skill, while woman, excels better in verbal skill as well as memories. So please tell me now, which gender will outdo each other in this two subject, and perhaps other subject like biology, religion etc. And please don’t let me start condemning on the way the teachers these days educating our kids. They don’t really educate, instead they telling the kids on ways to memories things, not to think about things. When i was in my Uni, not many student wanted to accept me in their study group. Simply because i like to ask the "WHY" question. "Why do we need to choose this SRK fluid package instead of the Peng Robbinson"..."why does this derivation have to start from this equation, instead of the others"...Those were normally my question. And sadly, most of the time, my classmate will ask me to just memorize it since they themselves did not manage to understand the concept of it. Isn't it sad, doing something that you have no knowledge of ?
Ever wonder why pornography is only a click away? Ever wonder why the cigarettes commercial always implies that smoking is the latest method of achieving macho-ism? And ever wonder how these days, the value of a man is pretty much defines by the car that he drives, the house that he owns and the sexiness of those women that he owns.
They are poisoning our man. The idea of success that they feed to our man was distorted. They distracted the man’s thinking from what that he is supposed to be, by showing him the things that grab his interest the most, SEX, WEALTH, POWER. And they teach him, in order to achieve this, the only way is thru corruption, hypocrisy, dirty politics etc. Forget about being smart, forget about progressive thinking, think less and enjoy life more. And didn’t they tell you, that if you refuse to play by this rule of game, you’ll loose everything that you have and everything that you might have. They tell you, all that you need to do is to tell yourself that you “ See no evil, hear no evil”, when the truth is, the devil have just spoken to you. Does that sound familiar?. So what does these makes you?, I believe this make one become the type that enjoy too much, work too little and definitely think less. The type that just simply go with the flow, even if he knew the stream will lead him to disaster.
On the contrary, they teach the girls, that we need to stand tall with the man, they teach us, to usher for the equality between both gender in every aspect of our life, and they also teach us to work harder, bolder and smarter than man, just to be recognize by them. I fall into these traps too, I at one point wanted so bad to be better than any man. I sacrifice lots of things just to get here. But when I get to the top, I saw a view that is very ugly to my eyes. And I’m glad that I regret it now.
Open your eyes widely, don’t you see a pattern where these days, we find boys are more submissive than girls?. Let me tell you why they want it this way.
They want man to become submissive towards them so its easy to influence the man with the earthly temptation, SEX, WEALTH and POWER. A dominant person are a person who stand for what he believes and would not change it at any cost. So if a man was a submissive type, he is definitely not the dominant type. While woman, need to be teach to become dominant since, the dominant woman is not easily tempted with earthy temptation in order to change their mind. But however, as dominant as the woman can be, she will still submit to one person, the man that she loves. Nothing could change a dominatrix mind except her man. They knew that they cannot directly control the domantrix female mind, therefore by controlling the man, they actually controlling both the submissive male and the dominant female.
You think it would be much easier if they would have a submissive woman as well rite?. Having a submissive women will benefit them nothing. For a dominant female is like a lioness, she can brings greater results than dominant male. They are more persuasive, sexually desirable and will go to great length for things that they believe matters most to them, the kind of quality that submissive female did not posses.
I knew that this sound a little bit confusing, and to some, it might bruised their ego. But please think outside the box and look at the bigger picture. I’m sure, if you think hard enough, you’ll realized how hard they played you. Who are they……..The ONE EYED PYRAMID, look around, you’ll see them everywhere.
Its time for us to wake up, people. -
How did I get here?.. Used to know myself so well.
Keep on asking myself the same question over and over again, over the past few weeks. Not so sure if i've arrived to the place that i always wanted to be, and not sure also if i knew myself anymore.
I've been working non-stop for the past 14 days and probably so for the next 14 days. Tomorrow will be no different then any other day, since i'll be working the whole day, trying to prepare things for the meeting in Kerteh on Sunday. Subject to PCSB approval, i might be spending the Chinese New Year holiday on offshore platform. I did took a day off yesterday, only to find myself still spending half of the day in the office, chasing my vendors and clients for documents and reviewing and revising things.
Early this week, my beloved boss cum big brother, he told me news, but asked me to keep it under close wraps since he's not ready to drop the bomb to anyone else yet. He might be leaving the company. Wanting to do what he likes most, a corporate marketing / bussiness development kindda stuff. He said, the reason he told me this, is because he wanted to prepare me for things to come, and yea, also because he trusted me and he knew that i would always support his decision, as much as he always support mine. And i also remember him saying " Biler aku takder, ngko kene la kayuh lebih sikit utk company ni". Hmmmm.....yea, i guess with this I akan mengayuh dgn lebih kuat, kayuh to a better place.
I can't really imagine myself filing up his position in this company. Cant really imagine it because i dont want to imagine it. I honestly think, that i dont want to fill the position.
Lately, i started to believe that there must be something really wrong with me. Really-really wrong!. But at some point, i just have to believe that i didn't really have a choice. Its easy for people to tell you about being positive, but as a friend once said.." If only people knew how hard it is to stay positive".
I choose this....even thou i knew it was wrong or it might not be the right one, but i've made my choice. Even thou my heart greatly desires the other path, but i started to believe that i didnt really have the strength to lift the barrier to that path, thus, i end up choosing this. And because I knew if I don’t choose this, I would be in a very critical state of misery. I guess that ‘misery’ have consume the better part of me.
Life, fate and memories, all seems too cruel to even let you try to survived. I created this game, i set the rules, but why did i feel as if i'm losing this fighting game?.Why did i feel that i hurt no one but myown self?. Why did i feel and i knew that I'm missing something that i had choose to abandon just for the sake of being here?. Why did i miss the imperfection that make me feel perfect even just for a glance of time?. Why did i still toss and turn every night trying to have a good sleep, i didnt dare to even think about dreaming, i knew how impossible it would be to dream when you cant even sleep. i knew so well that i'm not drunk, but i'm not sober either.
And now, here i am, alone, trying to make myself believe that i have made the right choice. And I swear, that i still hear myself asking the same question over and over again....."How did I get here?" -
Honestly....i dont think i'll make it to heaven
I can write a thousand word of blog entry just to explain what i'm feeling now, but i'm just too worn out to do so.
All i want to do, is just lay back and try to find the courage and will to check back on the material that we are supposed to prepare for the presentation with Petronas tmrw.
And honestly, before i go to sleep, i'll once again try to make my heart accept that i may not make it to heaven, no matter how i try.
Its ok, i really hope that it could be simple but as people always tell me, probably i gave up so easily.
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Hijrah
Tahun baru datang lagi, tahun ini sedar atau tak, tahun hijrah dan tahun masihi, hampir-hampir bermula pada waktu yang sama , selang 2 hari sahaja.
Genapla juga, 2 tahun perjalanan Eg untuk berhijrah mengubah diri sendiri. Walaupun pada mata kebanyakkan manusia, perubahan diri Eg tu tak la sebanyak mana, tapi sebagai someone yang “membaca kitabnya sendiri”, Eg merasa gembira dengan pencapaian diri sendiri, namun Eg sedar that there are always room for improvements.
And Eg tak perlukan acknowledgement dari sesiapa pun, kerana Eg tau, sebagai manusia, kita semua tidak mengerti kepayahan penghijrahan setiap individu itu. Biarlah hanya tuhan yang mengerti bahawa perjalanan ini terasa sangat sesak yang menyesakkan, seakan-akan mendaki ke langit, namun cukup la jua Allah sebagai saksi, bahawa Eg tidak akan berhenti dari perjalanan ini. Meskipun most of the time, perjalanan yang meletihkan ini menuntut Eg untuk acapkali berhenti seketika untuk mengumpul semula kekuatan, namun Eg tidak pernah sekali-kali menapak semula kebelakang untuk kembali ke dunia gelap from where I was once belong to. Menoleh kebelakang itu perlu, bukan kerana kita ingin kembali, walaupun hakikatnyer lebih mudah menyerah kalah dari meneruskan penghijrahan ini, tetapi, Eg menoleh ke belakang hanya untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri, bahawa, jurang yang saya sedang tinggalkan itu, conditionnya sangat kelam, gelap dan menyesatkan .
Melangkah keluar dari condition that we are very familiar and comfort with, sesuatu yang sangat sukar dan sangat menakutkan. Berbekalkan hanya keyakinan bahawa kepayahan ini hanya sementara bagi menuju ke cahaya yang lebih terang yang menjanjikan balasan yang lebih baik adalah sesuatu yang sukar bagi Eg. I’m a logical person, I believe the evidence and I don’t gamble, because I don’t believe in lucks, jadi memaksa diri sendiri untuk berubah hanya berdasarkan kepercayaan dan keimanan saya yang tipis ni, Eg akui kadang kala diri terasa lemas dan tewas, apatah lagi bila terpaksa mengharunginya bersendirian, tiada dahan yang Eg mampu berpaut, to trust others is not really my forte, I trust my cat more than other people. Tetapi Eg sedar, hanya inilah jalannya, kerana Eg jua seperti yang lain, mengimpikan hidup dan dunia yang lebih baik, bukan hanya untuk diri sendir, tetapi jua buat sekalian manusia. Jadi, dengan rela mahupun terpaksa, perjalanan ini perlu diteruskan jua, penghijrahan daripada menjadi manusia yang “dhol’ kepada seorang insan.
And Eg percaya, perubahan ini perlu secara perlahan, perlahan tetapi masih maju kehadapan, agar kita dapat menikmati pemandangannya dan dapat mengambil pengajaran dari pemandangan tersebut. And Eg juga tidak berniat untuk mengubah diri Eg secara total, pasti ada reason mengapa tuhan ciptakan saya just the way I am, and tak mungkin segalanya yang ada pada diri saya ini adalah keburukan, pasti dalam diri saya ini ada jua kecantikan dan kelebihan tersendiri. For those yang memandang keji kepada diri ini hanya kerana saya diciptakan agak berbeza dari kebanyakkan manusia, I did not want to apologise for being my own self, but I forgive you for judging me, but I want to ask you as well,
“Do you dare to condemn GOD’s creation, do you dare to judge others even GOD himself have repeatedly said that the right to Judge is solely his. So tell me again, what does this make u think of yourself?”.
But its ok, it really is ok, for I always find myself subconsciously doing the same thing to others too, but I always feel ashamed of my own self every time I realized the things that I’ve done. May He forgive me for my sin.
Selamat tahun baru and selamat menyambut maal hijrah. Semoga kedatangan tahun baru ini, menjanjikan seribu satu kebaikan buat kita semua dan semoga kita semua tidak berhenti berhijrah dari gelap ke terang.
