itahatta
female - 28 years, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia
Blog 64
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Me space...me time
I'm building another layer of solid concrete wall around me, and put a sign that says, " Stay away".
I'm currently in my " me" mode now. Me mode means, everything have to be about me, infact, if i could i would make the universe revolves around me. But luckily that would be impossible, or else, i would be extremely sure that the universe will vanished in just fraction of second, coz being me, i knew i have the worst ability of maintaining things in the right order, thus i knew for sure, everything in the universe, would be in the collision course with each other.
I've just move into this new apartment, renting of course. But the best part, i rent it all by my self. I'm always the type of person who appreciate my "me time & me space" more than anything. Its not that i'm an anti-social freak, it just that i hate crowd, and love silence more. But that does not make me a quiet person either. I came from a very loud family, and i'm loud too, especially with close frenz and with those who are close to me. But in general, i think we Malaysian, socialised too much, and most of the time we are bad at it.
Example: ever found yourself stuck in one of those gathering where lots of your relatives gather for makan-makan plus tanya khabar ( in other words means mengumpat and boasting around), yea..that one, that family gathering. And worst during those moment you always found yourself being ask a dozen of ridiculous question from this nosey relative, that u swear, if killing is acceptable, than you are actually had developed an amazing skill at it. Socializing the “Malaysian style” we tend to over look the aspect of privacy in our conversation. Seriously, i don’t know about u guys, but i cant help to feel a bit offended when people either ask or make sarcastic assumption bout my honest earning, my still -bachelor-and-happily –ambitious-dont-- have -plan- to -settle –down attitude, and find the idea of “ u have to love rendang just because u are a malay” a bit irritating, I HATE RENDANG.......I HATE RENDANG. Need me to elaborate more?, i guess everyone got the idea.
Look, i’m not a very bad person, it just that i like to keep my distance with strangers, and when i mean strangers, it means that those are the people that i did not have my trust into. Doesn’t matter if u are my cousin, but if i fail to feel the connection and the emotional safety in her/him, with all due respect, i’m sorry but u are still a stranger to me. I don’t however build my trust based on the time that i have known someone. But based on how i feel when i’m with that someone. Its difficult to explain, its something got to do with the instinct and the feel factor. Well, i guess the hearts know what the mind didn’t.
And when i’ve become so close to someone, so close to the point where u can even sip my latte from the same straw that i’m using, trust me, u can talk about anything even as ridiculous as planning my wedding reception with Optimus Prime. Yeah, u read it right, it’s Optimus prime, from the Transformers. I suddenly found my self falling in love with that hot truck. He’s so charismatic ! OMG...I’m getting worst, i fall in love with virtual alien robot.
Why did i write this?...nothing, just lately, peopel been questioning bout my individualistic attitude more often then before, and yes, thanks to this things that we all called "STRESS" i choose to withdrawn from people in order to avoid my sarcastism to hurt other.And l can't beleive that last monday and tuesday, my boss make me attend the "CRUCIAL CONVERSATION" course. WHAT???????
P/s: Speaking of transformers, i’ve watch the sequel- just got to say, that i’m a bit disappointed. Don’t feel like elaborating.
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Tok Bah
I called him Tok Bah, or sometimes i called him ' Abah'. Apart from my other cousin, Kak Ngah, I'm his only grandchild that called him " Abah'. My baby sister, Ninit, and me, are his favourite. But then again, i choose to cancel my leave today and get back to the office.
I honestly feel bad, i feel like a sore loser. When my Umi called last Thursday to inform me that he is getting ill, i've intended to spend the weekends visiting him. For some funny reason, my family and i knew that Tok Bah is not going to get better, even he himself keeps talking bout this. he recites his last will, and keep on telling us how he wanted to spend his final days in his own house, the same house that my family and me has been living in for more than 2 decades. He also talks about how he wanted us to bury him.
When i was a child, my grandpa use to tell us stories. Stories bout the time he spend in New Guinea during the WWII, stories bout his first few years as the first settler of the Felda that we are living in, stories bout his kids and stuff. Back then, i used to enjoy listening to his stories, but as i grow up, i took for granted the effort that the old man is trying to make in striking conversation with me. I grew so obsess with the TV instead. And when i was a kid too, i always snuggle him, everytime i get that spooky feeling in the middle of the night. But as i grow older, i always keep my distance.
My grandpa, like any ordinary traditional malay man, has funny way of exhibiting his love. Last raya, he secretly hand me the 'duit raya" when i make a fuss in front of everyone and stomping my feet demanding my "Duit raya". Few years back, when i told him that i'm getting married, he spend days planting pinnapple at the back yard, and assures my parents that those pinnnaples would be ready to be consume during my wedding day few months later. My Ummi told me, lately, he talks about me a lot, more often than he normally did.
I choose to cancel my leave today, not because i didnt care about him. But being the emotionally handicapped, i actually choose to run away from all the emotional ordeal that i've been experiencing everytime i look at him. He look so different since the last time i saw him a couple of month back. He look so ill, his hearing is badly impaired, and he cant see that well anymore, but amazingly, he recognise my face. I knew, he knew and everyone else's knew, that this time, he is not getting better.
Its funny thou, he just sat there on his chair when his kids kiss him and ready to go back to KL yesteday, but when it was my turn, he struggle to stand up and walked me to the car, and say a few last advise about life to me. I try to pretend that i was not effected by his gesture, i guess i did for a moment, before i start to realise the first symptom of denial appears only minutes after i leave the house. I was mad and angry, all the way from Johor to KL, i was mad at the workers who take such a long time to prepare my order in the cafe this morning, i was mad at my besties who wake up late, i was practically mad at everything. But then again, this afternoon, while trying to finish up my progress report, i realised that i'm actually silently weeping.
Being me, its hard to exhibit my true emotion, i was never good at showing my emotion other than anger. I rarely wears my heart on my sleeves. I associates being emotional with the sign of being weak, and weak, is something that i have no intention of becoming one. I normally run away and burried myself with my work, so i could be spared from all this emotional thinggy. But at this very moment, i do regret a few things, i regret not knowing how to tell my grandpa that i really do wanted to make use of this little time we have trying to be close to each other, i regret not knowing to treat him right, not knowing what to say, and above all i regret not knowing to tell him that i'm actually greatfull that he is my Tok Bah. -
Old and beautiful......
Did we need to swap our body, and become someone else in order to understand our own self?... I dont know, i didnt have a clue. I've never swap my body or my soul with someone else before.
Its been month since my last post. I knew and i always knew that i love to write. I actually like to share stories, i like to share my thought with strangers and talk for hours and in the end we wish each other a great day ahead, without even wanting to know each other's name. Funny, but sometimes we find solace, and understanding in the face, smiles and words of a strangers. I did that, too many time, but that was quite sometimes ago. When my life was not too hectic, when time is all that i have to spare,in order to fulfill my hobby of just sitting at one secluded corner of this world, and did nothing but watching people pass me by. Watching how human and this world actually behaves, trying to understand other human being as if the actuall things that i'm trying to do is to reflect it back to me in order to understand my self.
Within 3 days time, i'll be 28 years and 3 month old ( or should i say young
. Getting older, as the clock keep ticking, all that i wanted to do, is to get to know this amazing girl that stares back at me everytime i look in the mirror. Apart from that lucious lips and that crooked nose that i like, i wanted to know more about her. After all, we've been together since the last 28 years and 3 months. I knew that she likes fish but hates sushi, she loves to be near the water but as well a hydrophobic, loves to travel but always homesick. Hates the hot weather but also feels that aircond is so un naturale. She's also kind, but extremely rude sometimes. She wears a ring on her wedding finger, but prefer people to address her as "Cik". She is none other than me. But there's still lots to learn about this girl.
I'm not afraid of getting older ( well at least not for the next 5 years- i pressume). I think age is just a number ( well, this comes from someone who have yet develop crow's feet around her eyes). i honestly loves my physical now, compare to the one that i have 10 years earlier. The right curves, the right texture, the right colour, all in the right combination to make me feel just perfect. And i definitely like the way i behave now, compares to 5 years ago. I no longer stompping my little feet to get what i want, in fact, i realised that a sweet smile and the right tone of voice, works better and faster, the arts of being a woman. And i honestly love how my IQ & EQ's score increase exponentially with times, it just marvelous.
With these, i realised now that i dont need to change too many things about myself ( except the baked tan that i have been developing due to this site work- anybody knows bleech that works. But i do feel pity to many woman out there who cant help but wanting to change everything about herself. How sad, how could others love oneself when one does not love her own self?. But hey, i'm just another ordinary human being, whom still very much subjected to the physical, emotional and mental stress every now and then, so spare me, i also do need to just cry, or stomp my "no longer" little feet, or just choose to becomes too lazy to even blink my eyes and stares at the ceiling, hoping that my poor body will rotten and decompose within a split second.
I remember a sentences from a movie. It says " to get a head in this world, u need more than just a pretty look and a kind heart". I know i have more than that , and i knew i would make it far, eventually. I'm not afraid anymore to dive deeper or run further (ok...this is a white lie- i still get that cold feet whenever i was about to take up new responsibilities, but not as chicken shit as i was before), but what i need to learn, and master is how to identify my route, so i wont head into the wrong direction, not by other people standard, but according to my own sweet way. I dont want to be someone that is exactly as per everyones specification, i just need to be me.
But i'll know that thru out this journey, i'll fall, i'll bumped into something and i might also stumble and get hurt and cry, but i'll also knew that i'll wipe that tears, attended to the cuts and bruises and stand up again and move on. But i will also allow myself to whine and curse and said " Kurang ajar, saper tolak aku tadi?".
well, i guess that's the beauty of getting old. -
When the heart speaks......
I’m supposed to focus on preparing the pages of financial proposal that i need to submit to PCSB in order to request additional VO for this Angsi project of mine. Again, this project is running on losses, and suddenly i found myself being the one whom responsible to clear up this mess. But then again, as i keep on posting it in my past entry, things are not so wonderful these days and i don’t really handle the stress quite well. Dah cuti and balik kampong, even went for short holiday in Genting in an attempt to rejuvenate things, but still, ader la sikit improvement, the rest, hati tu still tak berapa tenang.
My heart, yes, my heart tends to speaks to me, in a language that only I can understand, i believe everyone else do too. I believes that is what we all called “INSTINCT”. Lately it communicates to me bout few things, things that really required extreme judgements from me before i can move on.
I just spend almost half an hour talking with my beloved boss, Alfian, whom leaving the company by end of this month. Honestly, i only have few days left to be under his wings, since i’m leaving to Kerteh, to supervise the project assembly work for the next 3 weeks. Since the past few weeks, right after i came back from Melbourne, i become so restless, uncertain, confuse. In short, i was scared. Scared like hell.
Once Alfian is no longer in the picture, the management had decided, to give a certain percentage in the company share, and make me one of the major share holder. How could this become possible?...Because Alfian is leaving and the two major shareholder, Yaz and Amir, intended for an early retirement. This new company, Tecoft, will be manage totally by us, with the highest authority will be given to none other than ME and Faisal. A certain amount of fund have been allocated for us to run and develop the company for the next 1 year.
Its an honour, to be name as one of the BOD, i should be great full right?. New post, higher authorization, bigger paycheck, my own room, the freedom to work from home or office, bla..bla..bla, and on top of that, I’m just 28 years old and i’m a female. That does not happened very often. But why did i not feel to good about it.
Honestly, i almost cry in Alfian’s room just now, I’m totally scared. I’m not sure if i can do this without him. Alfian, he is not just my boss, he’s like a brother to me too. Honestly, for this Angsi project, i made 90% of the decision myself, i called the shot and i make the cuts, i only have to explain and justify why i took such decisions to my bosses. 99% of the time, the bosses never disagree with me. But running a company and managing a project, is totally two different things. What if i screw up?, What if i make mistakes? I knew, the bosses will still be there to push and guide me from behind, i just need to be the front person. But still i think the responsibilities is quiet huge for me. Furthermore, how am i supposed to lead a bunch of people who still cant understand the need to buckle up and pick up the pace when it comes to executing their work. I didn’t expect people to become as workaholic as i do, that’s crazy, but please allocate the 110% effort in what u do. GOD, this is tough. I’m still deciding.
And moving to Kerteh, again, as i keep on mentioning, there’s nothing wrong with Kerteh, it just that i did not know what to expect and i also not sure what did Kerteh have to offer , apart from toll free & traffic jam free, i can’t really figure out anything else, but, the most is, getting out from the comfort zone that you are so comfortable with, and to change one self in order to adapt to the environment, it is a tough job. Not sure if i can make it out all right. Am i crazy?...i don’t know, but if i’m not crazy, i can assure you that i think i’m heading into that direction, crazyville.
During this chaotic moment, i feel connected to him ( who is he?...lets just remain hidden). Few days that we’ve been under the same roof ( i did not sleep with him, not even staying in the same room, I’m not that cheap so please don’t stray into that direction) i found him sincerely polite and comfortable to be with, and he really do treat me nicely. Have you ever wish that when the whole worlds seems like its falling apart there is someone saying something that you really wish to hear and it makes you do feel at ease.
Someone that you stare from apart, and realised, there are so many things that is unperfected with this guy, he’s tad short, in comparison to Keanu reeves, he score 1 out of 10, didn’t dress to impress like i do, totally the opposite of me, sometimes i do think that i might be insane to be smitten by him, but still he did surprised me with the things that he did and things that he said. There are times where i did not say a word, but so lost in my own world, with my own thought, he ask me if anything was wrong. He made me wanted to open up and share things with him, something’s that i rarely did with stranger.
He’s not really a stranger, we indirectly work together. This past few weeks, i found myself feeling ok, adapting to his imperfections, i find it ok to accept him as another ordinary human beings, its ok not to be perfect, thus its makes us normal. A normal human beings. And find myself feeling less vulnerable to show my true colours, to be my own self when i’m around him. I don’t fake my own self, it just that normally people cannot accept me for who i am, therefore, to avoid conflict, i normally refrain myself from being too open to people. Should i make my move?..... I don’t think so.
I always have my own sets of consciousness rule that i’ve always try to obey. One of them is not to have anything besides working relationship with people whom i work with, in short, i shall never eat and shit at the same place, so because we are working together, i shall not cross the line and i’m sure that he is smart enough too by not crossing the lines as well. And also because he do consume alcohol.
I was a little bit taken aback when he did that, but i didn’t really say anything bout it at the time, trying to respect his personal rights, but he did apologise to me once he find out that i did not feel comfortable with the matters. You know, i’m actually a little bit torn with this issue. I mean, it is a clearly wrong to consume alcohol, because we are muslims , but then again, i feel guilty if i have to judge other people just because they consume alcohol, neither i’m promoting the attitude. I’m not that pious, i too committed lots of sins and still on my way to make myself a better muslim.
I myself am not perfect, i still wears body hugs and low cuts, i did not complete all the 5 times a day prayers, and i swears as much as i breath and with my slightly brownish hair ( its natural, i don’t dye my hair), its very easy for strangers to label me as the wild chick who smokes, drinks and practice free sex, when the truth is i didn’t practice any. So is it fair for me to chase him off just because he drinks?...who knows what once could becomes. Even i still find myself hard to believe that i’ve change this much. People don’t stay who they are, the only problem are, we did not really foreseen which turnings that they might be taking, right or left.
But still, i find it hard to decide on this one, because i always promise myself, not to ever get myself tangled with someone whom take his religion for granted. But when the heart wants what the hearts wants, could i teach my self to ignores?. Can i learn to ignores my own feelings when during tough times like this, i really wanted to hear the right things that i know he would say to me? Honestly, there are so many times that i wish that i could just break down and cry, but being me, people expect me to be strong all the time, people expect me to be less emotional, best if i don’t have emotion at all. How could people be so cruel, expecting me to be less than human, when i am, no other than another ordinary human beings. I really do wanted to cry, i really do wanted to hugs someone and feel comfortable in his arm, feeling safe and relieve, but i was not allowed to.
But still, i’ve decided to push this one away too, probably for good. Why?...Because that is what i do, and what i am good at, chasing people away from me. Just like what my housemate once told me, that Its easy to like me, but extremely difficult to love me, coz i never allowed anyone to. Why?...because that is what i am, a coward when it comes to the matters with hearts. I may be the risk taker at certain aspect, but i definitely did not gamble with my heart. Would rather not take the chances than being left broken hearted again........... So, i’m sorry, really am, to him and above all....to myself. After all, who knows that maybe later he is going to turn out to be another ordinary Joe who broke my heart, even thou deep down, i thinks he feel the same way too.
You know, of all my blog entry, i have to admit, that this entry may sounds a little bit cocky to some, but believe me, to me, this is the most honest blog that i’ve written......it comes directly from my hearts whom currently is speaking to me.
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Stars in the sky
While i’m writing this, i’m enjoying the view of this enormous amount of stars visible in the sky. I cant really remember when was the last time i’m enjoying the same kind of view. Bukan tak pernah mendongak ke langit while i was busy running around in either KL or Kerteh, but i guess the neon’s light limited my capability to see the beauty beyond.
Hmmmmm........balik kampong, being around my family after almost 6 month, is quite refreshing. I’ll end this mini holiday with a nite away at Genting with the girls, before i joint the crazy world of rat race again on Wednesday, and left for Kerteh for 3 weeks.
Even I’ve decided since years before that Eg mmg berharap dapat settle down somewhere ouside Kl, tapi as ussuall, Eg find the idea agak susah nak di realisasikan for someone yg dah terbiasa living life on the fast lane. Of course, walaupun I know eventually would want to called of my hectic carrer life just to play my next role of full time mommy, but honestly, i do think about working from home or just working freelance. I need to get my mind of something sometimes and keeping my mind busy about work even just for glance of time, i guess and i believe it does and it will work wonder for me. I need to have a life that is not totally connected or related to anyone. A life of my own.
So biler dah balik kampong ni, mmg la environment nya sgt serenade, but if i have to run to hujung beranda just to get the mobile phone coverage, and this Celcom broadband pun lagi slow dari siput, i guess i really have to re-consider.
But probably Kerteh much better kot, entah la, i’m officially moving to Kerteh, and give it a shot for a year, starting this June. Honestly, rumah pun tak cari lagi, kawan2 pun baru ader 2-3 orang jer. The most difficults things bout moving to somewhere new is making new friends, i don’t have problems with being friendly with other people, i’m just having problem to become close to them. Having problem to put my trust in someone, the hardest part in life is to identify which is which, friends or foe. I’ve always feel out of place most of the time, sometimes, i’m too modern to be staying or living outside of the city, but sometimes i think i’m too modest for the city too.....hmmm entah la, tak tau where i really belong to. Mana2 Eg pergi pun, slalu rasa mcm pelik n different. Well, aper2 hal, when i move to Kerteh nnt, already planning to bring along my cat, and now, tgh try utk Masukkan my younger brother study kat Ruane TATI, so maybe takder la terasa mcm rusa masuk kampong sgt. I hope.
hope.
Looking back, who i was, what i’ve been thru, honestly, it’s never surprised me on why most of the time, Eg, prefer to be on my own, prefer to stay away from human most of the time. Bukan la its meant that i’m that “Kera sumbang”, just most of the time i feel that we human, among ourself and between ourselves, we are actually mean, and we are hypocrite too. Does this meant that i’m not?....Tak juga, i think i have my fair share of making this environment as cruel and ugly as it is now. So daripada Eg have to pretend and be someone that i’m not and hurt myself or others, baikla Eg menjauhkan diri dari sebilangan orang. I don’t have the right to preach about what is right and what is wrong in this life, neither, i think i have the right too, diri sendiri pun still wear that cleavage revealing low cut tops, masakan saya cukup baik untuk bersyarah ttg kehidupan. But that does not meant that i cant think or decide for myself ttg jalan mana yg harus dipilih.
Aper la yang Eg merapik- merapik memalam buta ni?...entah la, Eg just feel like writing somethings, jarang dapat such chances these days, busy memadang, sakit jiwa pun yer. As i was finishing this crazy entry, my heavily pregnant cat, tgh berpusing-pusing macam gasing, trying to bit her own tail. Normally, she becomes like that sbb tak tahan gatal ader kutu kat ekor la tu. Hmmmmm......simple things, but it does put a smile on my face...... -
When the going get's tough............
I've always knew that there are something intolerable between me and caffeine, especialy if i gulp down the drink in the evening, worst if i consume it at nite. I'm officially prone to caffeine intoxicated, or i prefer to call it caffeine drunk. At first i thought this is just something in my head, but i made my own researched and read a lot too.....So here's a bit of some of the explaination that i get from the Internet.
" What to Watch For
The symptoms of caffeine intoxication include:
* restlessness
* nervousness
* excitement
* insomnia
* flushed face
* diuresis (increased urinary output)
* gastrointestinal disturbance
* muscle twitching* talking or thinking in a rambling manner
* tachycardia (speeded-up heartbeat) or disturbances of heart rhythm
* periods of inexhaustibly
* psychomotor agitation "
so why did i post this tonite.
this is because, even thou i did not consume coffe tonite, but i just tried this new diet pills ( and at the back of the caplet, its written ' contains 250mg of caffeine per tablet, and i took 2 tablet, because the prescription tells me to). So forgive me people, my post may sound a little absurb tonite.
An honest confession:
i dont handle stress so well lately, started to get bad when i was in Melbourne, become worst when i get back. Dont try to reason with me people, bout staying positive and stuff, just "shut the F*** up! "
get some bad news from vendors this afternoon, the kind of 'bad news" that gonna drive my boss jumping up the hills and definitely the type that will cost me all my previlleageness( i'm sorry, i cant be bother bout my grammar).
So minutes ago, i called my two besties, Ekin n Jaja, and ask them to go out with me for few cups of tripple shot espresso tommorow nite, once i arrived from Kerteh. As we were spoken over the phone, Ekin, whom sense the difference in my speach suddenly ask me, " Babe, are u drunk?, did u just drank coffee at this hour? ( its almost 10.30pm))
I'm really looking forward for tommorow hang out with the girls, i've been trying to become sensible and sober for the longest time ever, i really need this one nite to becomes nuts, to become intoxicated with this un acceptable amount of caffeine in my system, to just laugh and laugh like mad for hours and hours and with a little twist of digestive system intervention, i might end up puking by the side of the road, but hey, at least i'm with the girls, no worries of being gang rape or what so ever.
Should i apologise? i dont know, but i knew that there is a high expectation from people for me to behave perfectlyall the time, but there is only on ethings that i need to say...." I'm only human, can i just have this once in a while time just to screw up a little bit?"
Thanks.... -
Life ........ its aint easy!
I'm so glad, that now i'm back to KL. once again, its not that i hate Melbourne, it just that i dont really enjoy this work trip. Tired, stress and stuff.
Since the time the plane safely landed on the KLIa airport, my mobile phone does not really stop ringging. Friends, family, vendors, vendor and more vendors, office mate, friends again, banks ( can banks just stop calling me in order to promote their product/service - in order to futher rip off my money...the list goes on and on. And i've never spend a single meal time on my own as well, since i came back. Dinner, lunch and breakfast with frens, frens and more frens. Friends with family problems, friends with spiritual problem, friends with financial problem, health problems, love problems and all sort of other type of problems.
honestly, i'm not whinning bout having to be there for them. I wanted to, they are my close buddies/ family. It just that, i guess, i've been absorbing too many information in the 72 hr, that i started to feel dizzy, fuzzy and i do believe, i'm started to become crazy.
I met my bestie, and spend 24 hr with her, at her luxury condo. So happens that she is actually a mistress, to somebody somebody's. she complains how sucks life is at the moment, being control by theta somebody all the time. Totally being control by the jerk, till she have to lie to him, in order to allow me to lepak at her place without having the risk of the jerk to show up at the door step. And, yea, i'm not in a good term with the jerk, i hate him, really really hate him. So now, this besties of mine, also find her self trap in a legal battle between the jerk and his wife who just file a petition for divorce. Me, being the good friend, had countlessly advice her ( and nag her too) of this tremendous shit that she had get herself into, but then again, it's her choice and its her life. I just told her that i'll always be there for her.
I came back from the visit, and i receive a teary phone call, from another besties of mine, Farid. she delivered me a really shocking news. She is the birth mother of Ayesha ( my adopted daughter), and we both are extremely close, that we acknowledge ourself as twins, after all, we both does look and behave very much the same.She is currently 4 month pregnant with her second child, but she is heading towards splitville. Yup, she's planning for a divorce, because she found disgusting emails between her husband and the lady that he have been seeing for quite sometimes. Emails discussing bout theri affair and their sexual activities too. Ok, that is extremely disgusting, when she reads to me some of the emails content, i ask her to stop, coz i extremely disgusted by it.
During our conversation, Icha asked if she could talk to me, and some of the sentences that she told me was; " mummy, mama dgn papa gaduh depan Icha". i swear i almost cried when she told me that. She is just 3 and a half years old. She just a kid, and realising that she might have to end up living her life in a broken home, it just broke my heart. Being the kid from the broken family myself, i knew how teribble things can become. How life was soooo cruel. And Farid, she is extremely scared, broken hearted and confuse. i badly wanted to be there for her.
You know, honestly, at this point of life, i've lost faith in settling down. i still believe in the holliness of the marriage institution, but i no longer believe in the people who wanted to execute and live in the institution.
I figure, if she really wanted to go ahead with the divorce plan, I'm planning to legally adopt one of her kids. Its not easy being a single mom, worst if you are a single mom with two small kids. So this might help her a bit, but that depends, if she allow me to. Its might sound that my idea of adopting her kids as a rush decision, but i dont think so. I guess i have reach the stage where i should have my own offspring, the only problem is, i cant really found the right dad for my kids, and frankly speaking, i've started to believe that i might not find one, so long time ago, i've decided, if i'm still single by the time i blow my 30th candle on my birthday cake, i would adopt one. Am i ready for that?, i believe the answer is ' people was never actually ready for anything, but the moment they put their whole heart into something, they'll change for good'. and i'm quite confident that i can do this, perfectly fine.
Geezzz......... another story of this complicated life. To Farid, i'll always be there for her too, sisterhood always protect each other. To most of the man out there, can you guys just stop straying around?...... Honestly i really do think that nice guys, are actually an organism species that have actually extinct.
What ever...what ever.......I dont really give a shit bout man anymore. If i have to be with someone who drain my bank account, dictate my life, beat me to death and on top of that, broke my heart into million pieces, i would rather just be on my own.
What the hell is wrong with this world, can someone just please explain that to me?..... I really wish that some heavenly figures, could fly me away from here........far away... -
Wrong side of the globe.
18 PL : Parental advise is necessary!
I'm extremely sure that i woke up not just at the wrong side of the bed today, but at the wrong side of the globe as well. Therefore i ended up being a little bit jumpy bout lots of stuff.
Its not that i hate Australia or Melbourne in particular, it just that i’m on business trip for two weeks, so that means that i have tonnes of things to look at and to pay attention to it. So its pretty much does not feel like a holiday to me. In fact, i can only manage to catch a relaxing breath since yesterday. The transporter that i’ve engaged to execute the transporting work, have left me worrying sick since the last 2 weeks, for not updating me on the progress of the transporting work that need to be done, even after i repeatedly inform them on the criticalness of the nature of the work. When they finally arrived to the yard yesterday to discuss bout the dismantling, packing and transporting plan, i notice a sudden decreased in my heart beat and my blood pressure. Thank God!
And also, Ahmad is smart enough not to screw up again, after i send him a clear non verbal message of how pissed i was when he disappeared for 2 nights, not even responding to my phone calls and sms. It is selfish to leave me and Feisal worried sick, wondering if he is fine or maybe something had happened to him, while he’s having fun hanging out with the girlfriend. And as everyone expected, the moment he re-appears and introduce his GF, i don’t even bother to look at the girl ( actually i wanted to use the word “ bitch” instead of “girl”, but i know it would be cruel coz she’s Ahmad babe, and Ahmad n me have a very close working relationship as a colleague). And thank goodness they both are smart enough to just keep quite during the whole tense moments, or else, i swear if either one of them uttered even 1 wrong word, i might as well swearing/ cursing like a real bitch should be in the middle of the train station. F**K...F**K...and F**K....
( k , i feel much better now).
I got no issue with people wanting to have fun, by all mean, please do, just jgn la merisaukan org lain plak. I don’t give a fucking shit if they wanted to fuck themself out the whole duration, just don’t leave me worrying. The last things in my trip list that i wanted to do, is either to bail my colleague out from a lock up, or having to file a missing person report. SO i believe, if i happened to scream like mad pun...i have the right to do so right. But thanks Feisal, for knowing on how to put me at ease at those tense moment. Ahmad n his babe, korang mmg lucky sbb tak kene terajang kat tgh2 dunia...Aku mmg panas hati tahap Gaban.
And for heavens sake, i don’t feel ok about writing few reports to update the bosses. Damn...i hate report writing. So i’m in the mids of malas, takder mood, boring benci n sebagainyer .
I’ve applied a week leave once i come back from this trip, but i’m positively sure that i might need to postponed the leave. Got few co-ordination works to plan with others vendor, prior to the arrival of the desander skid. The last time i went back to Johor, was on November...... Hmmmm...ok, it is time for a leave and balik kampong. My parents does not sound a little ok, after i call them and say that i might postponed my cuti.
Takper, sabar...just couple more weeks to go, and another trip to Terengganu, then i’ll off for my a week long holiday. Just be positive Rozita, at least i went to F1 ( even thou Ferrari did not make it to the finish line, got myself 2 expensive Ferrari shirt, borong lots of souvenir, and definitely that ass kicking, jaws dropping piece of Okley eye wear. I believe i should not reveal the price of that sunglasses, coz i still cant manage to accept that i’m paying that X amount of Ringgit for that piece of eye wear, but hey, Its Okley, its polarised lense (good for someone who’s sensitive to glare like me) and it does makes me look a tiny bit like Monica Belluci ( at certain angle, with a little lucks)......and few more dresses ( don’t ask me how many, i’ve lost count after 2) and a new handphone...walla wei, its an endless shopping list for some one who did not enjoy the trip as me...hahahhaah......
And yea, i’m definitely going to the Snow Patrol concert on Thursday!..yeeehaaaa.....
Chill people, see u once i get back....and i’ll see u when i see u!
-
I have an attitude.......
....Last nite, my new laptop, was not with me. And i dont feel good. That nemesis of mine borrowed it from me, for a nite, coz, according to her, the "floating" laptop, that is supposed to be used by everyone in the office, is being used by someone else. And she didn't even dare to ask it directly from me, she ask someone else to borrowed it for her, damn.... Dah la ngko buat muka after finding out that bosses gave the lappy for me, then siap buat sarcastic remarks bout how u didnt even need to use laptop to do your job, tetiba nak borrow aku nyer plak?...Dammit,,,get a life BI-ARCH!
Fact : the company bought the laptop.
Fact: The laptop was bought for me and only me, the privillage given to me by the management.
Fact: I have an attitude; i hate it, hate so much, if anyone, i mean ANYONE, let alone my foe, touch anything that i love, especially if that thing is new. If it still in its box/ package, please dont even think of doing me a favour of opening it for me.
There is this one event years ago, where my X-fiancee took me to Sg Wang, to buy a new HP for me, i then fall in love instansly at a new PDA phones But within hours after purchasing the HP for me, when i'm still enchanted and smitten with the new toys, he ask if he can borrow the phone for a few days. ob viously, he was too smitten by the phone. I should have said "No", but i reluctantly say "yes". When he returned the phone back to me a week later, he ask me why i'm no longer excited to "godek-godek" the phone. So i tell him, i've lost interest towards the phone since someone else other than me had " godek-godek" the phone first. To make it up, he bought another same model for me on that evening.
I knew, i sounds a little bit childish, to be exact, sometimes i do feel like a 5 years old when its come to my new toys, but just please understand that, this is me. So if you see that i have just get my self a new " anything", gave me some times to play around with it untill i become bored ( depends on the type of the new toys, Car- normally 1 year, IT gadget : around 1-2 months, HP : few weeks, shoes, bag dress & other minor item: few days)... A general rule of thumb, if u can see sparkles in my eyes, when i talk/ touch/ use/ look at the toys, its an indicator that you should stay away from it.
Hey, u can call me kedekut or what so ever, but bottom line, its mine and solely mine. If you feel like wanting the same things that i have, word of advise..." Get your own"!
...Hmmmm..hmmmmm..waaaaaa...My laptop...my laptop, give me back my laptop!...Lepas ni jgn harap dapat pinjam.... -
There's so many people wanted to kill me........
Yea its been a while since i realised that there are so many people that wanted to kill me.
Lets start with :
1- My family:
My beloved aunty, Acik is getting married- for the 2nd time in about 2 weeks time, she informed me the date and all i said to her is......" Ita tak sure boleh attend ke tak, sbb around waktu tu ita maybe kene ke oversea". I realised the tone of her voice change drastically. And when i told my Umi about the possibility of my absence during that day, i end up holding the phone almost a feet away from my ears,and i swear even at that distance, i can still hear her nagging plus " bebel"ling, which some of the main point sounded a little bit like " Orang lain pun kerja gak- boleh jer balik jumpa family- dah lamer tak balik kampung- nnt saudara mara pun tak kenal- sibuk kerja biler nak kawen- bla.....-bla...-bla...". Hmmm... since when does my family have started to realised that it is time for them to start to nag me into getting married?. Ok,since tomorrow is my dad's birthday, i should make a point to call him and wish him Happy 49th birthday.....( ala- ala konon nak tunjukkan bahawa saya masih lagi anak mithali!)
2- My friends.
Since the past 1.5 years,since i start to handle project, my friends and buddies really enjoying on the event of complaining and nagging and being pissed with me. Since i rarely joint most of the events/ gathering or even absence during some of their's wedding ceremony, i think i really deserve it when one of my close buddy,Jules, sarcastically told me, "bagusla ko nak pindah Kerteh, kat KL pun ko bukan nyer berkawan dengan sesaper". And to make it up to them, i normally said......" well geng, u girls go n have fun,next gathering aku belanja korang makan". But then again,on the next gathering, guess what, i was barely around as well.
3- My boss.
I have been consiously neglecting the other project of mine, the GTL, since i'm so occupied by this Angsi Desander project. Yesterday my boss ask me "Ko dah check process of GTL blum?". My answer????? "Blum.....i try buat nanti"...And as i expected his respond was " Aku tendang ko karang!"...... And yes,to my big boss, i constantly need to joint him on weekly management meeting, to answer to them, why on earth is my Angsi project profit margin has decreased by the day.
Need i say more bout my job????
4- My client.
I have no clue why lately, either my team member or my vendors keep on doing mistakes, and being the focul person that always be the one who is answerable towards the management and the client, i have to always say " the mistake is entirely mine" - even thou we all knew it is not. But i guess that is the pro's and con's bout being a leader. But luckily, boleh sejukkan hati client dgn bawak diorang gi makan-makan, or else, mmg "selamat" la bebudak kat opis ni kene baling dengan kasut. Demmit-i seriously hate it when i have to clean up somebody else's mess.
5- My self.
God forbid, but honestly, i seriously feel that i wanted to kill myself!- Fopr what ever reason that i'm too lazy too type it here!
Ok.......think positif..think positif...birthday in 2 days so probably, better things are coming my way......Think positif!
