itahatta
female - 28 years, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia
Blog 63
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How much would u pay for LOVE?
My beloved friends, and sis, and bro, i think you are not gonna believe where i went just now during my lunch break. Ok la, tak yah main teka teki, straight to the point, i went to check out the service provided by a “dating agency”. Ok, don’t say a word!
It just some crazy idea from a friend. After for the Nth time, i’m looking at the calendar, and after remembering that few weeks ago, a very dearie friend of mine, ugut tak mau be my bestie anymore if i keep on finding reason to tell myself that i don’t want to get cozy with anyone because dia tak hensem la, tak cukup tinggi la, kerja government la, gaji i lagi banyak la, dia tak suka makan western food la....dan seribu satu macam stupid alasan lain that i always manage to come up with so that the subject of’ trying to get to know someone” can be dropped from the conversation, i think there’s no harm in just tengok2 jer the dating agency punya service.
So, long story cut short, the service package was:
Package a) 3 suitable suitor, hand pick to match both party’s requirement at the price of RM 1K, over the duration of 3 years.
Package b ) 5 suitable suitor, hand pick to match both party’s requirement at the price of 1.3K, also, over the duration of 3 years.
I goes..... “ What?!!!!
...wooohoho, i’ll think about it!”, and identify the quickest excuse to get myself from the office.
I remember that i used to gave answers to people who always question me, why am i still single, available and not so ready to mingle. My standard answer template has always been “ Hhhrrrmmm kalau kat Tesco ader jual calon suami yg sesuai, skrg jugak saya gi beli, swipe kreadit card pun saya sanggup, apply loan pun sanggup, confirm saya dah ader anak tiga dah!’
So, when the real situation really do exist, i’m stunned and ask my self back, “ How much did i really willing to pay for love”.
To tell u the truth, i don’t mind paying, its not because i’m terribly desperate kalau tak kawen esok boleh mati bunuh diri, but, face the fact, most of us, are so busy and occupied with works and by the end of the day, we are too exhausted to socialised, day in day out, we see the same old face everyday, sometimes we meet new people, but most of the time, this new people that we meet is either tak sesuai, conflict of work interest or simply “ TAKEN”. So tell me, biler la ader masanyer nak mencari Mr or Miss Right?. Nak suruh parents?...hhhrrrmmmm let me recall my Abah’s answer when i told him, “ Abah jer la carikan, lepas tu, bagitau tarikh, masa & tempat, saya datang la utk hari nikah saya”, he said “ Kepala hotak ko!”..
Back to the topic, like i said, i don’t mind paying, infact, if its gonna coz me 50K pun i sanggup, provided, the candidate is 100% guarantee, is my Mr Right. The problem is, i tak tau pun kalau he’s gonna turn out to be the 1. Even calon yg free ni pun i tak sure boleh pakai ker tak, inikan plak yg harga 50K, wow, that’s a very risky investment.
I think, i’m fairly a simple person, takder la requirement yang melampau-lampau sgt. Normal jer macam perempuan lain (when i say perempuan normal, that’s exclude perempuan materilistik, rupalistic, perempuan plastic dan perempuan spastic)
Financially, i think, i would feel ok to settle with a guy, where during the 1st couple of years of our marriage, we just tinggal in a small apartment jer, dah namer pun duduk berdua jer, buat aper la rumah nak besar2 sgt. But the moment, our babies had grown up and dah mula jadi hero & heroin, maybe its wise to move to a bigger place, say a corner lot,double storey terrace house. I would love to have the assurance that my kids could go out and have fun under the sun, playing, jumping climbing, without the fear of being chase or bite by anjing gila, or being kidnap by orang giler. Duit tu plak, tak yah la banyak sangat, cukup makan pakai, ader lebih utk parents and saving for the rainy days & other auxiliaries, then its fine by me. But kalau boleh, biar la gaji tu lagi banyak dari saya, bukan kerana aper, Cuma taknak la nnt my hubby asyik ulang ayat “ Yerla, gaji u kan lagi banyak dari i”. As much as i hate to say it, admit it guys, u do sometimes feel less superior with ladies who earned more than u, rite?.
Dari segi agama nyer pulak....hhrrmmmm, sepatutnyer mmg la nak carik pasangan yg tip top dlm department ni, tapi, ukur baju di badan sendiri la yer. My religious point ni agak liberal sikit, tapi masih improving, so, utk org yg macam saya ni, lulusan University Al Azhar ni, maybe bermasalah la plak nnt. Bukan aper, takut plak nnt lepas kawen dia cakap “ Ente kene berenti kerja sbb ana rasa, gaji ana banyak ini sudah cukup nak bagi ente hidup, ente kene terima hakikat, ente kene hidup dgn ana secara zuhud, naik motor sudah cukup, makan nasi dgn ikan masin hari2 sudah cukup. Jangan pergi kerja sbb ente kene pergi platform, kalau ente mau pergi platform jugak, ente kene pakai purdah 24-7, atau kita bercerai.”....Hrrrmmmm adoi, ader gak yg “ana” nangis 7 keturunan tak berenti ni kang. Iman yang terlalu perfect tu, maybe tak sesuai dgn saya pada masa ini, tapi at least someone yg tau halal & haram, mana yg tuhan mmg dah ckp “ NO” tu, sila la jauhi, mana yg tuhan suruh buat tu, selagi dapat, cuba la penuhi. Yang penting hati kene baik & ikhlas. Insya allah, biler hati tu ikhlas, and slalu ingat pd Allah, mudah-mudahan iman makin kukuh.
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Dari segi rupa plak....hehehehh....mesti la semua org nak yang cantik jer, or yang hansem jer, but over the years, i’ve realised that the requirement for man with good looks ni actually merbahaya. I rasa, i mesti tak sanggup kalau ader perempuan giler, keep on bugging our marriage, just because she’s think my hubby is super hensem. Biasa-biasa jer dah la, asalkan i tak muntah 7 baldi everytime i look at him, than that should be sufficient. (ader ker org yg hodoh sgt sampai i muntah 7 baldi,...eermmm tak pernah plak rasanyer)
The most crucial factor i would have to say, is the compatibility factor. Someone who accept u & love u for who u r. Being the crazy, sassy ,don’t mess with me type of girl, i knew a lot of man out there feels like i ni tak sesuai nak di jadikan bini. But news flash abang oi, saya bukan nak jadi bini, saya nak jadi “ Isteri”. Marriage for me, is not about “own” ing someone’s life, its about 2 people who shares their life together. There might be things that both person share in common, but definitely lots of other things that both party did not, but at least, both party have to “agree to disagree”. And its also about respect, understanding and being fair.
I want to be with someone who bought me 1 pint of Baskin Robbin Choc ice cream not because i ask him to buy me 1, but because he enjoy looking at my jovial & delighted face when i open the fridge and found my favourite ice cream there. And i want to be with someone, whom when someone else says to him “ Eh, bini ko ni ganas lasak betul, tak feminine langsung!”, he would reply “ hhrrmmm bagus la, at least kalau aku takder, aku tak risau, kalau ader orang berani culik anak aku”. And i definitely wanted to be with someone whom agrees that the simple happiness means, waking up together on Saturday morning, spending hours just smooching, talking, giggles about lots of things in bed, rather than being overly obsess with trying to add another BWM on the existing fleet of Bentley’s, BMW’s or Ferrari’s in the garage.
I definitely wanted to be with someone who understand that relationship demands for sacrifices, some day, when my partner come home to me and said “ B, i got a great job offer and i really want it, but we have to move to Africa, would you leave your job and go with me”, I would want to say “ Yes” to him, coz i know he had sacrifice his career years before just to make room for me to establish my career.
So, friends, amacam.....? Should i give this dating agent a try??? -
Ooooouucchhh....... It hurt's !
U know, i hate something that is left hanging, i prefer some closure, even if it meant that it wont turn out to be like what u expected or as u wish it would be. That's just me, i just dont dance around the bush, i dont hide what i think & how i feel, I just need to let it off my chest so that i could breath easily and i could move on.
So after having days of unrestless tought, and after few more outing and after me ends up crashing at his place for the N-th time when he was ill last weekends, i finally had the guts to properly ask him out, via sms that reads something like this:
Me : Lan, what are u doing tonite?
Lan : I'm going out with my GF....
Me..( shocked) : What?...Since when did u have a GF?
Lan: heheheh.....lamer dah.
Me:...Ooooch...that's hurt a lot!
Lan: Babe...Ko naper?
Me (after keeping myself mum for almost 15 min) : Nothing, i just tot that i need to tell u that I LIKE U A LOT. But i guess i miss my train. It's ok, it wont make any much different now, rite?
Lan: Aiyaa.... Aku anggap ko mcm close frenz jer, sorry ko lambat sgt, anyway, thanks for liking me that much, at least, aku tak sakitkan hati ko dgn main kayu 3 kan.
Me ( bengkek+ sedih sikit) : Mmg la, at 1st aku pun look at u as not more than friends, but the dynamic of human emotion is most of the time unpredictable and uncontrolable. I didnt tell u any sooner coz i'm not sure of my own feeling and because i dont think i deserve u. Honestly, beyond skin deep u are more beautiful than me. U accept me for who i am, and that's what comfort me the most.
Lan:.............( gone with the wind)
Well, Just a reminder to the dearest ROZITA ( That's me).
1- Please remember that merely 3 years ago, u make promise to your own self that you'll never ever get involved in a relationship. I hate to remind u little missie, but this is definitely what will happen, unfortunately, your heart is unable to addapt to relapse of Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy! ( its science term for heart break!)
2- Please remember that u are also, intolerant towards the whole spectrum of human emotion. This alergic reaction sent your whole rational mind into anafilactic shock.
3- The next time, someone from your opposite gender, whom u did not share the same DNA genome with, lick your Baskin Robbin, without your permission, have the courtesy to kick them in their guts and demand for their explanation.
4-The next time, someone from the opposite gender, address you with the terms " sweetie pie, my dear, sweet heart', feel free to kick their groin and tell them " why dont u go to hell thru which ever door that you like and FCUK Yourself up"
Just a reminder to Male species in general and to Lan in particular:
I knew and i really do understand your needs to flirt around. But, could u guys be a little bit courteous to flirt with someone other than your good close girl friends/ buddy. Coz everytime this same things happen, its SUCKS that a good relationship have to turn sour. ITS SUCKS... Read my lips baby....ITS SUCKSSSS!!!!
Well, having said that, even thou its a bit heart breaking, i'm confident that I'm gonna be just fine. But maybe i need to gather all my girlie frienz, get my self heavily drunk with shots of finely pressed expresso ( yuks...can someone really get drunk from consuming coffee?....eerrr...owh yea..that's person is me!)
And probably on my way back from the caffe's to my apartment, i got hit by a car, whom the driver happens to be a very hot available doctor, who just invented the cure for a broken heart.
And while the doctor is busy checking for my dying pulse, maybe i can look at him and says.." Wow doctor, you're so hot...wanna get kinky with me tonight?".....
But for the time being, probably for the next 24hr...just allow me to say..." OMG ....Its hurts....OOOOuuucchhhh...Its really hurts.....OOOOOOUUUUUCCCCCCHhHHH!......
" -
Somebody kill me please......
After 5 tahun tak jumpa, suddenly early this month, jumpa balik dgn my long lost male buddy, yg i dah kenal since zaman berhinggus masa form 4 dulu. So we hang out, talk, went out, laugh out bout lots of all memories. we went to the same school, even went to the same U, but we drifted a bit masa kat Uni coz i dated his class mate, and my then boyfriend, kindda jealous if i become close to other boys.
So we chat, and calls and bla..bla..bla, until one day, i wake up, to his sms, that says " Good morning sweetie pie". so, being the undoubtly commitment phobic, my sensor set off the alarm, and i start panicking. I just cant accept if this is happening. I mean. he's my close buddy, i enjoy having him around., but something "more than just friends", i dont think i'm equip for that.
Initially, i dont want to be more than his friends. For a very obvious reason that i've been alone for a long time, and i like it that way. I make plans to have kids, but i think i'm kindda forget to include "man" in the plans as well. So dont ask me, i dont know how i can have kids, maybe adopt, maybe sperm bank ( eer maybe not), so God help me. And besides, i'm use to being called " doll face"," little miss sweetie"..bla..bla..bla ( i dont make this up,and saya bukan perasan cun, saya tau saya tak cun, but saya tau saya tak hodoh giler !), so, sometimes, when we stands next to each other, some people called us, "beauty and the beast" ( kurang asam betul mulut diorg ni), in short, my friend ni tak hensem la! And also, because i love him, as my close friend, it would be sucks if we drifted apart and wasted a good friendship should things doesnt work out between us.
but to be honest, i have to sincerely say, that i am actually the beast and he is the beauty. As long as i can remember, Lan is the kindest, gentle, polite & understanding guy that i had ever met. when ever i'm with him, i had never feel afraid to be the real me, and he never judge me for who i am, even thou my level of craziness ni kekadang mcm takleh diterima dek akal fikiran. Of course he do complaints every now and then, but, he never fail to mentioned, that he also accept me for who i am. And he really does understand me, we both come from almost the same background, two people who come from a broken family.
So, for the past days, i'm a bit confius, and freaking out too. My girlie friends, whom always become jumpy and overly excited, whenever they see any sign of berkemungkinan ader romantic relation might exist, keep on telling me that " HE IS INTO U" and " U should date him". In fact, i think, those phrases, are the most famous phrases of the week.
However, few things that happened, make me thinking, maybe its just nothing, maybe i over asses, the situation. maybe he dont mean anything. he could not possibly feel any thing towards me, i mean... we are BFF, we are meant to love each other, as a friends. Realising this, i feel a bit embarrased, malu pun yer, bengkak pun yer, sedih pu nyer, lega pun yer, patah hati sikit pun yer.
tapi on top of the feeling chart, i feel like, marching to him, tampar dia laju2 and says " Lain kali kalau ko antar aku sms yg confusing camtu, aku bunuh ko, kalau ko bagi kunci kereta baru ko tu suruh aku drive, aku bunuh ko gak, ko panggil aku hot girl, aku bunuh ko gak, if u said the phrase " i accept u for who u are"...pun aku bunuh ko gak!.. if u ever send me mixed telephatic sign to my defect mind, pun aku bunuh ko gak. Lain kali ckp terus terang!
tetiba terasa diri ni mcm minah over perasan la plak, hey its not my fault ok, he send me all the mix signal, mana la i tau cam mana nak interprate. I feel like killing my self due to this embarassment, but sbb bunuh diri tu berdosa, can somebody kill me pleaseeee.... -
It comes with the job
Yea, we had never been told that, with each step that we manage to climb, on the corporate ladder , lots of other things also comes with it.
The needs to keep yourself update, the need to polish up the communication, management public relation and human resources management skills. The needs to dress to impress and at the same time to project the image that the company wanted to.The behaviour, the attitude, the ever changing crowd, the protocol and stuff.
However, above all, are the needs to polish up one's ability to gauge if certain staff is actually kissing your ass or if they are simply and honestly good at what they do.
Suddenly, i really miss a great comforting hug.it really is lonelier( is there such word as lonelier
at the top.
To perempuan giler:
aku tak paham aper masalah psikologi ko la pempuan giler, tapi kalau ko nak buat muka tak puas hati sbb aku tegur disiplin ko yang mcm haram tu, aku mmg rasa ko patut carik kerja lain la. Aku ni boss ko la, SETAN !
Sedang membayangkan menolak perempuan giler jatuh dari tangga sambil buat muka penuh satisfaction...........
...alangkah bagusnyer if dream cames true ( but of coz ler, saya tak kan merealisasikannyer, i dont have plan nak bermastautin secara tetap dlm jail yer !) -
The New Malay Dilemma
Excerpts from a speech given by Prime Minister Mahathir Mohammed at the Harvard Club of Malaysia dinner on 29 July 2002.
When I wrote The Malay Dilemma in the late 60s, I had assumed that all the Malays lacked the opportunities to develop and become successful. They lacked opportunities for educating themselves, opportunities to earn enough to go into business, opportunities to train in the required vocation, opportunities to obtain the necessary funding, licences and premises. If these opportunities could be made available to them, then they would succeed. ......
.... But today, the attitude has changed. Getting scholarships and places in the universities at home and abroad is considered a matter of right and is not valued any more. Indeed, those who get these educational opportunities for some unknown reason seem to dislike the very people who created these opportunities. Worse still, they don't seem to appreciate the opportunities that they get. They become more interested in other things, politics in particular, to the detriment of their studies. In business, the vast majority regarded the opportunities given them as something to be exploited for the quickest return. ...... They learn nothing about business and become even less capable at doing business and earning an income from their activities. They become mere sleeping partners and at times not even that. Having sold, they no longer have anything to do with the business. They would go to the government for more licences, permits, shares, etc. ....
.... Why has this thing happened? The answer lies in the culture of the Malays. They are laid-back and prone to take the easy way out. And the easy way out is to sell off whatever they get and ask for more. This is their culture. Working hard, taking risks and being patient is not a part of their culture. It should be remembered that in the past the Malays were not prepared to take up the jobs created by the colonial powers in their effort to exploit the country.
Because the Malays were not prepared to work in rubber estates and the mines, the Indians and Chinese were brought in. At one time, the migrants outnumbered the Malays. Had they continued to outnumber the Malays, independent Malaya would be like independent Singapore.
But the Malays have apparently learnt nothing from the near loss of their country in the past. Today, they are still unwilling to work and foreign workers are again flooding the country. And because they are not equipping themselves with the necessary education and skills, they have continued to depend on others. Their political dominance will protect them for a time. But that dominance is fading very fast as they quarrel among themselves and break up into small ineffective groups. Their numerical superiority means less today than at the time of Independence. ....
.... The Malays, together with the other Bumiputeras, make up 60 per cent of the country's population. But in terms of their political clout, it is now much less than 60 per cent. They are now more dependent on non-Malay support, both the government party and the opposition. Economically, of course, they have less than half the 30-per-cent share that has been allocated to them. If we discount the non-Malay contribution to the nation's economy, Malaysia would be not much better than some of the African developing countries.
To succeed, the Malays must change their culture. They must look towards work as a reward in itself. They must regard what they achieve through work as the true reward. There should be some financial reward but this must not outweigh the satisfaction obtained from the result of their work. ....
.... Changing culture is far more difficult than changing the policies of government. It is easy enough to propose affirmative action but it is not easy to implement it. The recipients must have the right attitude if the results are going to be obtained. .... Unfortunately, their view is that their crutches are symbols of their superior status in the country. The sad thing is that they are not even using the crutches properly. As a result, they gain nothing or very little from the availability of these aids. ....
.... So what is the new Malay dilemma? Their old dilemma was whether they should distort the picture a little in order to help themselves. The new dilemma is whether they should or should not do away with the crutches that they have got used to, which in fact they have become proud of. There is a minority of Malays who are confident enough to think of doing away with the crutches, albeit gradually. But they are a very small minority. Their numbers are not going to increase any time soon. They are generally regarded as traitors to the Malay race. ....
.... There will be a host of protests over this generalisation about Malay attitudes. We read almost every day about blind Malay people and other handicapped Malays graduating with university degrees or driving cars or doing all kinds of work. This does not prove that the generalisation that I make is wrong. These are exceptions. They only prove that if the right attitude or culture is adopted, even the handicapped can succeed.
The dilemma faced by those few who want to build a strong, resilient and independent Malay race without crutches is that they are most likely to end up becoming unpopular and losing the ability to influence the changes in the culture and the value system which are necessary. It seems that they should not try and yet they know that without the cultural changes, the Malays are going to fail. -
I need help.........
Hish masalah- masalah. jadi leader ni is not all fun and play. It is actually more and more responsibilities. Pening kepala ni.Saya ader masalah, and boleh ker friends here tolong bagi idea how to overcome this.
My company and my new boss:
Very2 liberal and flexible, boleh masuk opis lambat tapi kene la balik lambat jugak. Sponsor half of the monthly parking ticket fee, reimburse half of the staff phone bills and everyone personel broadband. Half day leave is un acceptable ( kalau nak half day just inform leader and go-save your half day leave for long holiday and better things). Gaji always masuk on time. Dress code tak kisah, jeans pun ok, as long as semi casual and only go casual during meetings with vendor or client. The only things that matters is WORK PERFORMANCE & DISCIPLINE.
MRS A:
Datang opis never earlier than 10.30 am. Balik pulak sentiasa on time or earlier. every week at least sehari mesti tak datang opis due to sakit ( but never produce MC). When given assignment to be completed, never completed on time, sometimes tak complete langsung sampai boss naik angin or sampai saya naik berbulu and buat sendiri. Communication in english very bad ( on scale 1-10, i gave 2). The last time i call her into my room to gave her assignment ( i'm project engineer, so MRS A is answerable to me), she slump on the chair across my desk with one leg up on the other chair- her excused is since become pregnant 2 month ago, kaki slalu sakit!. But the problem is, even before marriage pun, MRS A never come to the office no earlier than 9.30 and always go back at 5 sharp, never complete her assignment. Pergi bank or take time off from office berjam-jam and always bawak another colleague, and sangat di benci oleh low level staff and trainee sbb suka membuli budak2 to do assignment for her.
I had one time naik angin last 2 weeks and told some one in this office that close to her to advise her to fix her attitude coz if i'm the one that call her into my room and give her piece of my mind, I bet sentences that comes out of my mouth is definitely going to be sangat menyakitkan hati dia. but so far, tak banyak perubahan pun, still dtg opis sesuka hati mcm ini company bapak dia yg punya!
The problem is, she is my team member, and i'm the leader for this project. Her work performance and discipline will definately reflect my ability to lead this project. I mmg dah lamer terpikir nak terminate jer minah ni, but neither i nor my boss sampai hati nak buat cam tu. So any advise on how to kick this mold out of my team without being a she devil?......
HELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!! -
It's aint easy...its complicated.
Its been a while since i last wrote anything. I'm not that busy since the past 1 month. It just that i'm taking time off from almost everything, including work. There's no specific message that i need to convey in this post, i just feel like writing something, a free writing.
When i was diagnose with " borderline personality disorder'' 3 weeks ago, i spend the 1st 24 hrs trying to digest the fact. No, i'm not crazy or mentaly challenge, i'm just having a little personality and social disorder. I dont feel like eleborating about it more, but in short, i just wont have a normal relationship with adults like anyone else. Actually part of me feel a bit relieve, since i manage to identify that there is actually something wrong with me, and manage to get some help fast. I'm glad that the worst period are over, but i also knew if i did not seek for help, there always tendency for relapse. So here i am, attending my bi-monthly psyciatric therapy. I'm feeling much- much better now, i guess it's true about what everyone said, that the first step of recovering is actually acknowledging. Its funny right?, someone who looks very much normal like me, is actually someone who really need some help with my emotional disorder.
Does this mean i'm not happy with my life?...i'm actually much happier now. I'm re-organising my life, changing my priorities, mapping out my new plan. i'm not sure what the future hold, but i'm quite positif that it wont be easy but its definitely serve all the purpose of living.
I turned down the offer as one of the shareholder in the new company, and so did my new colleague, Faisal. To most people, this is a really good once in a life tim opportunity, i think so too, but i also realised, to me , now, money is not really everything. Again and again, money cant buy me the happiness that i'm looking for. I dont expect people to understand why i took this decision. But all i have to say is, i dont think i want to be greedy enough to take up too much responsibility, more than what i can actually bare, and end up having to increase my frequency for my psycological theraphy. i dont think its wise to take up so much responsibility to the point where under extreme stress, thinking about suicide is something that u do on daily basis.
In the time being, i think i would just happy to settle with my 45% increament in salary, a new work responsibility in process design, my own bigger room, with my name plate on the door, the freedom to arrange my own work schedule and that 20% share that i need to share with 4 other colleague.
And that other department of my life, yea that department. It's not that i wont have any relationship at all, it just that i couldnt have the normal relationship like anybody else. It simply mean, that i cant be with just any ordinary male, i have to be with that extraordinary man who really undestand why i'm not like any other normal uncomplicated woman. To be honest, scanning the atmophere around me, i think such man, is very rare, i might be lucky if i manage to find one, like i said, they are not normal man, they are extra ordinary. I have to say, knowing that fact, is a bit dissapointing thou, its dissaponiting to know that there is this emptiness inside your heart, the void that is still consuming your feeling, like the black hole that consume everything in its path, to know that it is almost impossible for you to find that imperfect someone that would fit u perfectly. Did i sounded desperate by saying this?, I dont think so, its not desperate, it just an honest confession. I didnt expect anyone to under stand, beacuse i knew that its aint easy, its complicated. -
Honoring the men....... Part 1
Honoring the men…
Maybe some men would love this specific post of mine, but maybe some wouldn’t, well, I cant care less, for to me, this is a very honest piece of writing, that I dedicated for all men out there.
Few days ago, I spend time watching couple of movies, namely the 300 and “Men of honour”. Actually this is not the 1st time I watch this 2 movies, but I always have the same admiration towards both King Leonidas and Chief Carl Brashear.
I really adores both man. No, not because King Leonidas have that marvelous 6 pack abs or because Brashear AKA Cuba Gooding Jr is a sweet looking chocolate man. But because of the manly persona and character that this both great actor portrayed in both this movies.
I know, most of the time I do sounds like another super perfect- don’t mess with me- feminist, but hey, like I always said, don’t judge a book by its cover. As funny as it may sound, I do look up to man. And had always believe that a man’s position should always be a level better or higher than their woman. But then again, I also believe that such stature is not one’s birth right, I believe it is something that one’s need to earn.
Definition of a man to me are deliberately vigorous. I think, I’ve read enough books, heard enough life stories, spoken and mingle with enough male species, to allow me to define the things, the criteria, the sign, the behavior of a real man.
I think in comparison to woman, man makes a great leader, but as a leader, a great man not just lead and gives order and commands, they also listen, they understand and they as well tolerate. A great man are not afraid to identify his match, not just in other man, but woman too. A real man, to me, is not afraid to stand up. To stand up for what he believes, for what he thinks is right based on his wise mental & emotional judgment, even thou if it would meant that half of the population is against him. To stand up and protects, not to stand up and attack,
He’s not afraid either to stand up and admit his mistake when the occasion arrives and above all, not afraid to stand up for the one that he loves and cares. And real man too, not afraid to be honest, towards himself and to others. To speak of the truth even thou it hurts. Honest to his own life principle.
And I believes great man makes a great educators too, the type who did not only read books or tells stories, but the ones who set up examples to others. The one who not just talks, but he walks the talks too. The type of educator who not only educate others but educate himself too. And definitely great man makes a great lovers too, not just to his better half, but towards other people, other creatures. His muscular arm, not just offers the safety and security, but also exhibits his tenderness, the warmth of his touch, the tender of his feeling.
I would love to go on and on...about praising a real man, based on my definition...but i really have to go...the tour guide is waiting. This is a product from someone who woke up at 4 in the morning. -
Escaping reality
I’m currently in Kuching, for my 1 week holiday. I’m trying to rejuvenate myself and my life, the truth is, i’m trying to escape the reality for a while.
I know, we have to stay positive as much as we could. I know that we should count our blessing and stuff, but i cant help to feel a bit demoralised currently. What should one’s do, when one’s cant help to think that one’s whole life was nothing but cursed. Yea, i cant help but to feel that maybe my whole life, i was cursed.
Sometimes, i do feels that my confidence and my ambitious attitude, probably just another cursed to me. I work meticulously hard, to get to where i am now, and i alwaysknow that i’m that type of person that always wanted more. Not because i’m greed but because i think that life without purpose, without hope is meaningless, and probably because i was born that way, species yg tak tahu duduk diam. To me, it was never about the destination, its the journey that matters more. But i don’t know why, but i’ve realised that, i’ve work so hard to sit at the same table with the big boys, only to realised that the food is actually poisoned. And no matter how hard i try to nicely climb the corporate ladder, i end up making more foe than friend. Am i really that bad?
Again and again, i keep on saying, I knew that i’m not a supermodel, but i knew that i’m not ugly either. And i’m neither a 5 years old nor an idiot, i know how the world works. I knew when the opposite sex is saying something, i can actually read what they are thinking. Most of the time, i wish, man would want to strike a conversation with me, because they adore my deliberation and my character, more than they adore my vital statistic. And most of the time, i wish people would stop judging and labelling based on first impression. I always hope that people would realised that look can be deceiving, and most of the time, it does.
Syukur Alhamdulillah, thanks to my non stop travelling since 3 months back, a very handsome amount of cash were deposited to my account this month. And with that amount of money, i m able to settle off a loan and terminate few credit card. I manage to turn my newly rented apartment from trash to a very comfortable liveable bachelor pad. As Yuzi were helping me with the new apartment last week, she told me, how she envy what i have now. I don’t feel flattered, in fact i feel sad. I told her to never again, wish that she could have the same life as i do now, coz she have no clue, what’s it like to be me. Maybe, God is kind enough, to help me in this financial department, and i know, that i need to be grateful, but if only people really knew what its like to be me, i bet that they would agree that i would very much trade lots of things in order to get few other things, that this people, whom consider themselves as the one who is not so lucky in wealth, take for granted. I don’t feel like elaborating, but like i always said,.......I agreed that almost every thing in this world is money, but money is not everything in this world, and sadly, money cant buy me the happiness that i’m looking for.
Last week, someone told me, he thinks that i don’t know the purpose of my life. I told him, that he is wrong, for i very much knew what i want in my life. When i think about it, again and again....I think he was right.
I don’t know, currently, i don’t feel like challenging my fate, even thou i’m the type of person who always refuse to accept defeat. But today, i think, probably its good to let fate take me to where God has destined for me to be. Probably, i should start to accept that “something are definitely beyond our control”. But for now, just allow me this time where i can escape from this cruel reality. -
Me space...me time
I'm building another layer of solid concrete wall around me, and put a sign that says, " Stay away".
I'm currently in my " me" mode now. Me mode means, everything have to be about me, infact, if i could i would make the universe revolves around me. But luckily that would be impossible, or else, i would be extremely sure that the universe will vanished in just fraction of second, coz being me, i knew i have the worst ability of maintaining things in the right order, thus i knew for sure, everything in the universe, would be in the collision course with each other.
I've just move into this new apartment, renting of course. But the best part, i rent it all by my self. I'm always the type of person who appreciate my "me time & me space" more than anything. Its not that i'm an anti-social freak, it just that i hate crowd, and love silence more. But that does not make me a quiet person either. I came from a very loud family, and i'm loud too, especially with close frenz and with those who are close to me. But in general, i think we Malaysian, socialised too much, and most of the time we are bad at it.
Example: ever found yourself stuck in one of those gathering where lots of your relatives gather for makan-makan plus tanya khabar ( in other words means mengumpat and boasting around), yea..that one, that family gathering. And worst during those moment you always found yourself being ask a dozen of ridiculous question from this nosey relative, that u swear, if killing is acceptable, than you are actually had developed an amazing skill at it. Socializing the “Malaysian style” we tend to over look the aspect of privacy in our conversation. Seriously, i don’t know about u guys, but i cant help to feel a bit offended when people either ask or make sarcastic assumption bout my honest earning, my still -bachelor-and-happily –ambitious-dont-- have -plan- to -settle –down attitude, and find the idea of “ u have to love rendang just because u are a malay” a bit irritating, I HATE RENDANG.......I HATE RENDANG. Need me to elaborate more?, i guess everyone got the idea.
Look, i’m not a very bad person, it just that i like to keep my distance with strangers, and when i mean strangers, it means that those are the people that i did not have my trust into. Doesn’t matter if u are my cousin, but if i fail to feel the connection and the emotional safety in her/him, with all due respect, i’m sorry but u are still a stranger to me. I don’t however build my trust based on the time that i have known someone. But based on how i feel when i’m with that someone. Its difficult to explain, its something got to do with the instinct and the feel factor. Well, i guess the hearts know what the mind didn’t.
And when i’ve become so close to someone, so close to the point where u can even sip my latte from the same straw that i’m using, trust me, u can talk about anything even as ridiculous as planning my wedding reception with Optimus Prime. Yeah, u read it right, it’s Optimus prime, from the Transformers. I suddenly found my self falling in love with that hot truck. He’s so charismatic ! OMG...I’m getting worst, i fall in love with virtual alien robot.
Why did i write this?...nothing, just lately, peopel been questioning bout my individualistic attitude more often then before, and yes, thanks to this things that we all called "STRESS" i choose to withdrawn from people in order to avoid my sarcastism to hurt other.And l can't beleive that last monday and tuesday, my boss make me attend the "CRUCIAL CONVERSATION" course. WHAT???????
P/s: Speaking of transformers, i’ve watch the sequel- just got to say, that i’m a bit disappointed. Don’t feel like elaborating.
