Marian's blog

Searching No More

gawjusMom — Sat, 02 May 2009 18:19:45 UT

If you look back in my blogs you will see one titles "Wanted". It was about me trying to be honest with myself...about what it was that I wanted and needed from a potential mate.

When I wrote that blog, I was at the bottom of my heart and hope was no where to be found. I never ever dreamed that the ideal I wrote about existed anywhere...much less that against all odds we could ever possibly find each other. That kind of love and connection just doesn't exist. At least, that's what my heart thought at the time.

Here I am a few months down the road and my life has completely changed. I live in a new place, work for new people, and have become a new person. A better and more enlightened person I hope. And, miracle of miracles, that ideal I dreamed about months ago has materialized. My dream become flesh, my prayers become reality. He is everything I dreamt of, but much more that I dared to hope for.

So, all you lonely hearts on netlog....don't ever give up. It is truly always darkest before dawn.....and how very glorious the light is after that dismal and lonely journey out of night.

Shalom.

Your Thoughts.......

gawjusMom — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:59:25 UT

Does there come a point where an average, sane, normal human being has to "go to the mattresses"?

In the course of horrible events, is it justifiable to give into our baser instincts and go for the jugular in the name of self preservation?

She Never Said That.....

gawjusMom — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:18:01 UT

I am a member of an online literary group. This group is devoted to tearing through a series of one particular author's books. Many times I am irritated as the members delve through the chapters; trying desperately to find a "deeper meaning". I mean, this isn't Voltaire or Doestoyevsky people! I stay a member of this group primarily for the postings of occasional excerpts from the upcoming book in the series.

A few days ago one of the regular posters on the thread quoted Marie Antoinette...."Let them eat cake!".
I abhor mis-quotes. Words are important; they can and have changed the world. So, I posted my first comment on the site. I simply and politely stated that Marie Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake!". I recieved some interesting responses. Not one of the members responding showed any concern that they were mis-quoting a historical figure. The typical response was..."Everyone knew what I meant." I see their point. This sentence has been attributed to Marie Antoinette for so long, it has become truth to the masses.

Our words carry power. It is important, not only to think before we speak, but to correctly quote others. One's meaning and implications can be changed with a misplaced or omitted word. I've seen this happen here on netlog many times. It is important that we clearly hear what another is saying, and never try in any way to change that when we relate it to others.

Isn't It Funny....

gawjusMom — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 22:20:22 UT

Isn't it funny...I mean peculiar and strange funny....how when an issue is brought up the guilty will identify themselves? They rush forward to defend themselves when their names have not even been mentioned.

I am thoroughly disgusted with the enforcement of the netlog COC. Too many good members have already been lost....

Back In the Saddle Again......

gawjusMom — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 23:49:15 UT

My life has been topsy-turvey the last couple of months, and I had let the stress
begin to eat at me. In the last two weeks I have turned back to prayer and
re-learned to trust in the Lord.

Among the changes I decided to make was to make time to ride everyday. I love
horseback riding and in the last couple of years had stopped making time for
myself. My daughter and I have been going out every day for a couple of hours, and I have slowly been building my riding muscles up again.

When we went out today, we decided to go to a beautiful meadow not far from our
home that lies at the edge of the National Forest. We rode a short trail and then
decided to run the horses across the meadow. All went textbook until our third
pass. In an instant, my paint mare went ballistic. My daughter had reined in
ahead of me and I could clearly see the look of horror on her face. The amazing
thing is that I never panicked, or even got an adrenaline rush; I kept my seat and
went with it. It was completely exhilarating!

I am getting stronger, inside and out. I am no longer letting worry and stress
rule me...I am letting go. It is so good to be back in the saddle again...in every
way.

Another One Bites the Dust.....

gawjusMom — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 23:13:06 UT

I'm starting to think there is a permanent cloud over my head...at least when it comes to television shows. Now, I don't watch a lot of television...I much prefer to pop in a DVD. But, it seems that whenever I do find a show that I find entertaining...it is doomed to cancellation.

This has been going on for years but three shows in the last five years stand out. First, there was Dead Like Me. This was one of the most original and quirky shows I had ever come across. Showtime cancelled it after only two seasons without bothering to bring it to some sort of conclusion. Judging by all the buzz on the net, I wasn't the only one unhappy with it's disappearance.

Next...and most painful to date, was the untimely demise of an HBO series. Deadwood. I was enthralled from the first episode; the characters were so finely drawn and the acting itself was riveting. Alas, after only 3 12-episode seasons....it too was axed. Because the show was drawn from history it was obvious that it would have a limited run. But, they just dropped it without even trying to bring it to a close. I do a lot of reading so I know what eventually happened to the characters...but that doesn't salve the sting of having one's favorite show abruptly disappearing. HBO promised 2 made for TV movies to bring the saga to a conclusion, but it loks like they have forgotten that promise.

And now, it has happened once again. FX's series The Riches with Eddie Izzard has been cancelled after only two seasons. Eddie Izzard is best known for his stand-up comedy, but is a very fine dramatic actor. He and Minnie driver made The Riches a show I looked forward to every week. Gone, kaput, finito.

There are just too few entertaining shows on television anymore. I am one of the few that is not enthralled by reality television. DWTS caught my attention for two episodes...then I found myself wondering what in the heck was I doing watching these people ballroom dance when I could be reading a good book. So....it looks as if I'll be digging through my shelves of DVDs and re-watching an old favorite.......until I'm once again suckered into watching a show that will only get cancelled after a couple of seasons.

Prayer...

gawjusMom — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:32:50 UT

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.
Mohandas Gandhi

Portrait of a Troll….Ode to a Sad Little Man

gawjusMom — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:28:22 UT

He lives here, within the bounds of Netlog. This is his playground, his kingdom, his world. In Netlog land he has re-structured his reality…twisted it ‘til he is larger than life. Here, he is an intellectual, a respected pundit…a “real man”. Here he does not hesitate to speak up. Here he can attribute value to himself; he can lord over others with his self-righteous superiority.

He was not always this way. As a young boy he was beaten, neglected, and mis-used. It’s not so hard to picture the boy he was; if you look closely, you can see him there still, lurking in the shadows of who he has become. For that little boy who was, and still is,…we can have empathy and yes,….pity. He did not deserve the circumstances of his youth, did not ask to be born into ruin.

As he grew, so did his anger; anger at his parents and his situation, which seemed to degrade by the day. He felt the limits of age and situation, and he rebelled. In his rebellion, he took the easy road…the path that led him to the most rapid form of satisfaction. He began to take his frustration and ever-growing rage out on those around him; those who were weaker in body and spirit. He reveled in being the aggressor, and day by day, he excelled in his new role. For every atrocity perpetrated against him, he re-paid in kind….over and over again. This was his self-empowerment.

As he grew into manhood, he realized that the fear of others was not enough to fill his emptiness….he also craved respect. He constructed a pseudo-intellect and wore it like a velvet cloak. His modus operandi shifted slightly…he would present the world with a face of caring, intelligence, and enlightenment. This façade worked…on some. Others could see through the ill-constructed mask. His desperation soared to new heights; he was still denied the spotlight. Too many knew him for what he was.

His self-hatred grew with his desperation for love and acceptance. Daily he heard remembered voices, telling him he was stupid, low, and unworthy. He did not doubt the voices; to him, they spoke the truth. His only fear was others finding out this truth.

One day, he found Netlog. How wonderful, here he could be anyone. He worked on perfecting his persona. He constructed blogs on subjects he thought would impress, he expounded on the virtues of living an enlightened life. The confused and hurt little boy inside him would peek out on occasion…leaving tell-tale footprints of immaturity, longing and anger. For every point the man would try to make…the little boy inside him erupted, until the blogs contradicted themselves and most were reduced to nonsense. More and more, others caught on to his duality and were driven away, repulsed by what they saw. He did, however, manage to gather another damaged soul here or there….enough to let him continue on with his destructive ways.

We all know this sad little man, and are acquainted with his little Netlog world. The only way to stop a troll is to stop feeding him with our responses. So…how about we all ignore this gnarled and twisted excuse for a human being. Let us focus on the positive, and be kind to each other. If we play into his game, we are abetting him. That makes us guilty by association. I sometimes worry about the fragile souls that find their way to this site, the ones that may be one small push away from disaster. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. But, if you push their destruct buttons for your own amusement, you cannot reason or talk yourself out of the blame you have earned. You must own what you purchase.

Wanted

gawjusMom — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:14:39 UT

"What is it that you want?"

I had a friend ask me that question, and I must admit I was taken aback. I can't ever remember being asked that before. It has always been about others and what they want or need....not me. I'm not complaining, I was born a caretaker...it is part of who I am. But...the question blew me away.

My first reply was, "I don't know." In that moment I was speechless. Since that conversation however, I have been giving it considerable thought. If I don't know what it is that I want...how can I hope to find it.

I want to feel safe and protected. I want to know that my partner is always on my side, no matter what...even when I have totally screwed up. I want someone who is mentally challenging...someone I can converse with on many subjects. I want to be with someone who understands that sometimes I need to be alone to heal myself. I want someone to thaw my heart...someone who will value me, as I am. Some one who will unleash my passion, but not run from it.

The odds are against me finding this person, but i am glad i took the time to look inside myself and honestly see what it is I want for myself.

Just Sayin'........

gawjusMom — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:33:54 UT

This might be a bit of a head scratcher, but......if someone is in the running for Vice President should they not know of at least one other case that the Supreme Court has ruled on BESIDES Roe v. Wade???????

Something To Think About.....

gawjusMom — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 14:25:20 UT

If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and the corporations which grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."

- Thomas Jefferson

A Very Crowded Place.....

gawjusMom — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:18:11 UT

Sometimes, in spite of your best efforts, you cannot protect your child. Even if you yourself have had bad experiences, and know all the warning signs.

My child has been hurt; deeply hurt in inexcusable ways. In spite of the vow I made when she was born....I could not protect her. And...all I can do now is to take her hand and do my best to lead her out of the gloaming. I know the road....I've been there before myself.

There must be a special hell for the abusers of the innocent...and if my life experience is anything to go by...it's a very crowded place.

Cricket

gawjusMom — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:40:05 UT

What's the matter with the crickets? Their sad melodies fill the night. So few they are, yet so loud their song. It cuts through the breeze and coagulates in the drizzle. No sleep in sight for the anxious lady within her home.

Yi
Ming Dynasty

Anger...And All That goes With It.

gawjusMom — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 22:11:06 UT

Is it a bad thing to get angry? Sometimes it feels bad....sometimes it feels good. I wasn't totally sure, so I did a little investigating.

It turns out that anger can be a good thing. It's our bodies and psyches telling us something is wrong. Okay...today my body and psyche were coming in loud and clear. The problem seems to be in how we address our anger. If we let it totally control us < ala David Banner> it's not so good....that creates a situation that makes a positive outcome very difficult. We should take the anger and do something constructive with it...accept our feelings and in turn address the situation that created them. <Another easier said than done>

When I was younger, I had quite a quick temper. I usually like to blame it on my fiery Irish ancestry, but the truth is probably far from that. My anger came from frustration. Growing up in a disfunctional and abusive environment breeds frustration. Sooner or later...David Banner will usually make an appearance. Coming from that background also predisposed me to swallow all that anger...to suppress it...as there was no safe place to let it out; not a good thing. The anger will slowly eat you from the inside out.

I have become more stoic as I've aged. More than anything this was probably a complete refusal to let anyone get "a rise out of me"...to "get under my skin". It has sometimes worked, sometimes not....but in the end, this too is not a valid way to deal with anger.

I have reached a very frustrating place in my life. I am clawing my way out of a hole. Frustrating does not begin to describe it...it is at times maddening.

My laptop sits on my kitchen counter. Immediately to the right of my laptop is a plethora of Post-Its, in a myriad of colors. I continuously jot down notes to myself....reminders to research something of interest, "to-do" lists, my futile attempts to prioritize my life. I have now added another Post-It....this is a white one that stands out amongst the many pink, purple, yellow, and blue ones. It says simply.."Breathe". A friendly little reminder that if I don't control my frustration and anger, they will control me. I will never become the person I want to be or get to my final destination if I give in to anger and frustration.

Allow Me To Retort.....

gawjusMom — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 18:11:11 UT

"HETEROSEXUAL: This is the only sexual code that God permits in the Bible and it is only permitted in marriage and for the purpose of creating a child. When you are heterosexual you are hot for God"

This is a quote taken from a currently posted blog that does not allow anyone to leave a comment. Doesn't there seem to be a whole lot of that going around lately???

This person obviously has not read The Song of Solomon.....it is one of the most erotic books ever written. And, I'm pretty sure that Solomon and Sheba were not merely focusing on procreation there.

Check Your Facts Please

gawjusMom — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 07:35:31 UT

There are many many different types of people on netlog....with many many differing beliefs. I think that's one of the great things about internet sites such as this, the opportunity to engage in conversation with people who's opinions and beliefs differ from our own. It is a wonderful chance to broaden our minds.

However....there seem to be a few individuals that consistantly post blogs that are nothing more than internet rumors and outright lies. I am torn here...I'm not sure if these individuals honestly believe everything they come across or are they hoping to deliberately mislead others? While the well-read and up-to-date reader will see right through the nonsense, there are quite a few people that will take these falsities for truth.

I have actually called a few of these people on the merits of their so-called facts and they backed down rather quickly. <of course, they didn't remove the false blog or write a retraction> I'm not sure what end they are trying to achieve with this behavior.

I don't think it is too much to ask; check your facts please. If a blog is an opinion, then everyone is entitled to that. But, if you post a blog listing so-called "facts" one by one.....have the decency and self respect to check them. It's not that difficult.

Azz Kicking Needed

gawjusMom — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:28:43 UT

<walks to front of the room>

Hi...my name is Marian and right now I am filled with self pity. I usually don't indulge, but I'm knee deep at the moment. I have allowed circumstances and others to once more take my empowerment and self-belief away from me. I am ashamed for that, I know better.

Soooo....I am in desperate need of a verbal azz kicking. I want everyone to let me have it. Tell me off.....tell me in no uncertain terms that I have responsibilities and have no time and am in no situation to indulge in feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks in advance for the tough love guys.

Just For Fun

gawjusMom — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 03:56:18 UT

All Righty then,......for a little comic relief I thought I'd pose a little question for everyone. Please keep your answers reasonably clean, and be honest:

For the Men: What is your favorite part of the female anatomy, what you notice first, and why?

For the Ladies: What is your favorite part of the male anatomy, what you notice first, and why?

<shakes head> Now don't make me regret asking,........lmao.

For All of US

gawjusMom — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:04:51 UT

Let us all work together to finally end all this nonsense, please.

I include myself in this statement. I am not unguilty here, I won't pretend to be. Actually, if everyone here is honest, most of us have participated either openly or behind the scenes. It's time to stop, now.

I have voiced my concern in previous blogs about someone getting seriously hurt in all this. I am becoming convinced that we are on the edge of that prediction coming true. There are many people on netlog, we cannot expect to like or agree with all of them. However, I seriously doubt if any of us wants to be responsible for that.

Let's all TRY to get along and NOT fly off the handle at the first sign of provocation. We all need to remember that a little respect goes a LONG way.

Please, let's make this work for all of us.

Looks Can Be Deceiving......

gawjusMom — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 18:02:11 UT

I was in the grocery store a week or so ago and over heard an interesting conversation. A gentleman was talking to his wife about the handicapped parking spaces outside the store,....and how he was "sick and tired" of seeing people who were "perfectly fine" and "doing better than I am" parking in those spaces.

It's not the first time I have heard people voicing these peeves. I have an older brother who has been in a wheelchair for years, and I would be enraged if I knew someone not handicapped had usurped a parking spot intended for his use.

However, what many people obviously do not realize, there are many "handicapped" people who ( judging by their appearance ) do not look "handicapped". They look young and vibrant, they smile when they get out of their car after parking in those coveted spots close to the pneumatic doors. Their smiles and youth do not mean they are not entitled to park there. Just because they are not wheel-chair bound does not mean all is well in their world.

I was given a blue parking placard four years ago, and ordered by my physician to use it,....every time. Now, I will cop to using it,....maybe 5-6 times in the last four years, when I was having a REALLY bad day. I know I have every right to use it, but if I am capable of walking through the parking lot, darn it, I'm going to. It's been my experience that with a degenerative condition, you have to fight everyday. If you give in, you might just find you've lost ground that you will never get back. Until the day I HAVE to use those spots, I'll leave them for those that MUST use those spots.

To look at me, I seem perfectly healthy. I do not look "handicapped" as defined by society. But then, there are many people who do not fit into that mold. So, the next time you go shopping and see a person that "ought to be ashamed of themselves" for parking in a handicapped slot when "they have no right to do that",...stop, and think. Because looks can be deceiving.

For Parents

gawjusMom — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:12:48 UT

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit'
God said

'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.

'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it! '
Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!