gawjusMom
female - 42 years, Middle of Nowhere, United States
Blog 21
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Searching No More
If you look back in my blogs you will see one titles "Wanted". It was about me trying to be honest with myself...about what it was that I wanted and needed from a potential mate.
When I wrote that blog, I was at the bottom of my heart and hope was no where to be found. I never ever dreamed that the ideal I wrote about existed anywhere...much less that against all odds we could ever possibly find each other. That kind of love and connection just doesn't exist. At least, that's what my heart thought at the time.
Here I am a few months down the road and my life has completely changed. I live in a new place, work for new people, and have become a new person. A better and more enlightened person I hope. And, miracle of miracles, that ideal I dreamed about months ago has materialized. My dream become flesh, my prayers become reality. He is everything I dreamt of, but much more that I dared to hope for.
So, all you lonely hearts on netlog....don't ever give up. It is truly always darkest before dawn.....and how very glorious the light is after that dismal and lonely journey out of night.
Shalom. -
Your Thoughts.......
Does there come a point where an average, sane, normal human being has to "go to the mattresses"?
In the course of horrible events, is it justifiable to give into our baser instincts and go for the jugular in the name of self preservation? -
She Never Said That.....
I am a member of an online literary group. This group is devoted to tearing through a series of one particular author's books. Many times I am irritated as the members delve through the chapters; trying desperately to find a "deeper meaning". I mean, this isn't Voltaire or Doestoyevsky people! I stay a member of this group primarily for the postings of occasional excerpts from the upcoming book in the series.
A few days ago one of the regular posters on the thread quoted Marie Antoinette...."Let them eat cake!".
I abhor mis-quotes. Words are important; they can and have changed the world. So, I posted my first comment on the site. I simply and politely stated that Marie Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake!". I recieved some interesting responses. Not one of the members responding showed any concern that they were mis-quoting a historical figure. The typical response was..."Everyone knew what I meant." I see their point. This sentence has been attributed to Marie Antoinette for so long, it has become truth to the masses.
Our words carry power. It is important, not only to think before we speak, but to correctly quote others. One's meaning and implications can be changed with a misplaced or omitted word. I've seen this happen here on netlog many times. It is important that we clearly hear what another is saying, and never try in any way to change that when we relate it to others. -
Isn't It Funny....
Isn't it funny...I mean peculiar and strange funny....how when an issue is brought up the guilty will identify themselves? They rush forward to defend themselves when their names have not even been mentioned.
I am thoroughly disgusted with the enforcement of the netlog COC. Too many good members have already been lost.... -
Back In the Saddle Again......
My life has been topsy-turvey the last couple of months, and I had let the stress
begin to eat at me. In the last two weeks I have turned back to prayer and
re-learned to trust in the Lord.
Among the changes I decided to make was to make time to ride everyday. I love
horseback riding and in the last couple of years had stopped making time for
myself. My daughter and I have been going out every day for a couple of hours, and I have slowly been building my riding muscles up again.
When we went out today, we decided to go to a beautiful meadow not far from our
home that lies at the edge of the National Forest. We rode a short trail and then
decided to run the horses across the meadow. All went textbook until our third
pass. In an instant, my paint mare went ballistic. My daughter had reined in
ahead of me and I could clearly see the look of horror on her face. The amazing
thing is that I never panicked, or even got an adrenaline rush; I kept my seat and
went with it. It was completely exhilarating!
I am getting stronger, inside and out. I am no longer letting worry and stress
rule me...I am letting go. It is so good to be back in the saddle again...in every
way. -
Another One Bites the Dust.....
I'm starting to think there is a permanent cloud over my head...at least when it comes to television shows. Now, I don't watch a lot of television...I much prefer to pop in a DVD. But, it seems that whenever I do find a show that I find entertaining...it is doomed to cancellation.
This has been going on for years but three shows in the last five years stand out. First, there was Dead Like Me. This was one of the most original and quirky shows I had ever come across. Showtime cancelled it after only two seasons without bothering to bring it to some sort of conclusion. Judging by all the buzz on the net, I wasn't the only one unhappy with it's disappearance.
Next...and most painful to date, was the untimely demise of an HBO series. Deadwood. I was enthralled from the first episode; the characters were so finely drawn and the acting itself was riveting. Alas, after only 3 12-episode seasons....it too was axed. Because the show was drawn from history it was obvious that it would have a limited run. But, they just dropped it without even trying to bring it to a close. I do a lot of reading so I know what eventually happened to the characters...but that doesn't salve the sting of having one's favorite show abruptly disappearing. HBO promised 2 made for TV movies to bring the saga to a conclusion, but it loks like they have forgotten that promise.
And now, it has happened once again. FX's series The Riches with Eddie Izzard has been cancelled after only two seasons. Eddie Izzard is best known for his stand-up comedy, but is a very fine dramatic actor. He and Minnie driver made The Riches a show I looked forward to every week. Gone, kaput, finito.
There are just too few entertaining shows on television anymore. I am one of the few that is not enthralled by reality television. DWTS caught my attention for two episodes...then I found myself wondering what in the heck was I doing watching these people ballroom dance when I could be reading a good book. So....it looks as if I'll be digging through my shelves of DVDs and re-watching an old favorite.......until I'm once again suckered into watching a show that will only get cancelled after a couple of seasons. -
Prayer...
Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.
Mohandas Gandhi -
Portrait of a Troll….Ode to a Sad Little Man
He lives here, within the bounds of Netlog. This is his playground, his kingdom, his world. In Netlog land he has re-structured his reality…twisted it ‘til he is larger than life. Here, he is an intellectual, a respected pundit…a “real man”. Here he does not hesitate to speak up. Here he can attribute value to himself; he can lord over others with his self-righteous superiority.
He was not always this way. As a young boy he was beaten, neglected, and mis-used. It’s not so hard to picture the boy he was; if you look closely, you can see him there still, lurking in the shadows of who he has become. For that little boy who was, and still is,…we can have empathy and yes,….pity. He did not deserve the circumstances of his youth, did not ask to be born into ruin.
As he grew, so did his anger; anger at his parents and his situation, which seemed to degrade by the day. He felt the limits of age and situation, and he rebelled. In his rebellion, he took the easy road…the path that led him to the most rapid form of satisfaction. He began to take his frustration and ever-growing rage out on those around him; those who were weaker in body and spirit. He reveled in being the aggressor, and day by day, he excelled in his new role. For every atrocity perpetrated against him, he re-paid in kind….over and over again. This was his self-empowerment.
As he grew into manhood, he realized that the fear of others was not enough to fill his emptiness….he also craved respect. He constructed a pseudo-intellect and wore it like a velvet cloak. His modus operandi shifted slightly…he would present the world with a face of caring, intelligence, and enlightenment. This façade worked…on some. Others could see through the ill-constructed mask. His desperation soared to new heights; he was still denied the spotlight. Too many knew him for what he was.
His self-hatred grew with his desperation for love and acceptance. Daily he heard remembered voices, telling him he was stupid, low, and unworthy. He did not doubt the voices; to him, they spoke the truth. His only fear was others finding out this truth.
One day, he found Netlog. How wonderful, here he could be anyone. He worked on perfecting his persona. He constructed blogs on subjects he thought would impress, he expounded on the virtues of living an enlightened life. The confused and hurt little boy inside him would peek out on occasion…leaving tell-tale footprints of immaturity, longing and anger. For every point the man would try to make…the little boy inside him erupted, until the blogs contradicted themselves and most were reduced to nonsense. More and more, others caught on to his duality and were driven away, repulsed by what they saw. He did, however, manage to gather another damaged soul here or there….enough to let him continue on with his destructive ways.
We all know this sad little man, and are acquainted with his little Netlog world. The only way to stop a troll is to stop feeding him with our responses. So…how about we all ignore this gnarled and twisted excuse for a human being. Let us focus on the positive, and be kind to each other. If we play into his game, we are abetting him. That makes us guilty by association. I sometimes worry about the fragile souls that find their way to this site, the ones that may be one small push away from disaster. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. But, if you push their destruct buttons for your own amusement, you cannot reason or talk yourself out of the blame you have earned. You must own what you purchase. -
Wanted
"What is it that you want?"
I had a friend ask me that question, and I must admit I was taken aback. I can't ever remember being asked that before. It has always been about others and what they want or need....not me. I'm not complaining, I was born a caretaker...it is part of who I am. But...the question blew me away.
My first reply was, "I don't know." In that moment I was speechless. Since that conversation however, I have been giving it considerable thought. If I don't know what it is that I want...how can I hope to find it.
I want to feel safe and protected. I want to know that my partner is always on my side, no matter what...even when I have totally screwed up. I want someone who is mentally challenging...someone I can converse with on many subjects. I want to be with someone who understands that sometimes I need to be alone to heal myself. I want someone to thaw my heart...someone who will value me, as I am. Some one who will unleash my passion, but not run from it.
The odds are against me finding this person, but i am glad i took the time to look inside myself and honestly see what it is I want for myself. -
Just Sayin'........
This might be a bit of a head scratcher, but......if someone is in the running for Vice President should they not know of at least one other case that the Supreme Court has ruled on BESIDES Roe v. Wade???????
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