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bracques

female - 24 years, Quezon Hill, Philippines
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Blog 1


  • the silver lining

    MONDAY 012609 --- 8:51 PM
    My morning events gave me a perfect reason to kill myself. I was beyond the deepest depression that not even the sweetest chocolate would cure.
    It all started during Biochem Lab.
    “Adrian, ilagay mo sa dalawang conical tubes ‘yan.” I said. He didn’t seem to hear me.
    “Ilagay mo kasi sa isa pang conical—”
    “Yes, ma’am!” He yelled, irritated.
    Ela, Irvin, and Chryssa looked at each other, then, they looked at me. I was speechless. I just got burned, because there was something about the way he said it. I was hurt. I was thinking that after all I’ve done for our group, he has no right to talk to me like that.
    I went to the far side of the table and out of nowhere, tears were pouring out of my eyes and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t want anyone to see me crying over some shallow thing. But my eyes decided to become bottomless that tears just kept on falling and falling down my face. It was embarrassing.
    Once I’ve calmed down, people would comfort me and I would start crying again. It’s so pathetic of me. I don’t know what has gotten into me. Adrian and I did not talk the whole day. What’s worst is that I didn’t mean to be his enemy or something. I just don’t get why he was just so rude.
    I went to the bathroom to calm myself further. I also want less people to see me being overdramatic. I don’t want attention. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot. I looked like a goddamn murderer.
    Sometimes, I hate myself for being so sensitive. I was crying nonstop for 30 minutes and I don’t know why I should cry that long over some stupid thing. That’s why I thought that maybe, I was crying not only because of what happened, but because of all the repression that I’ve kept over the months. How I feel that everyone is just making fun of me… taking advantage of me… taking me for granted. I was sick of it all. I just want it to stop. Unlike other girls, I don’t hate myself because my body is not perfect and things like that. I just hate myself, period.
    Now, you’d expect that after an emotional overload, I am in no condition to do a demo in Public Speaking. I was not that prepared. When it was my turn to do a demo about how to make Pringles Salsa (something that I just made up last night, and I don’t even know what it would taste or look like), no one was listening. However, I kept on talking. I feel so disrespected because they were all tasting the food my other classmates prepared during my demo so their backs were on me, even the teacher. I tried to not care at all. I just want this nightmare to be over with. So what if no one was listening? The less I stand in front, the less humiliated I will be. Huh, who knew the food I prepared looked so presentable? When I finished, everyone was quiet, just to say “wow” to what I created. After 10 seconds, the plate was empty. And not everyone was able to taste what I prepared. The worst thing was that I let my friends down because I said that we’d make our own Pringles Salsa, but Maricel got all the Pringles that I have with me and I just couldn’t say no. In the end, my blockmates got all the food and my friends got nothing. It was a deal for us that we must prioritize friends above others. I just ruined that.
    Thank God my afternoon was a bit better. I went to our stall in the market and did my Philo assignment there. I also bonded a bit with Uncle Toms, someone whom most of my family hates, but we get along just fine. Then, I kissed baby Ansherina. I love babies! Before I said goodbye, I got the chance to joke around with Uncle Jeff.
    It was mostly free time during Pol Sci and Philo so I was able to study a bit for our long quiz in HeCa Lab. It was of no use, however, because I left many of the questions unanswered.
    By the way, Johnson came by during our HeCa Lab break and we bonded with him a bit. We asked why he wasn’t attending classes anymore and stuffs like that. As it turns out, he’s a runaway. He’s living by himself now, with no family whatsoever to support him. He’s making a living by tutoring Koreans. His previous job was in a call center. He’s earning P1,800 per week which sounds so cool. He’s saving up for tuition fees because he’s independent now. He will take up AB English next school year. Good for him.
    With all the events that happened, going home was the best relief. Our weeknight-ritual was watching I Love Betty La Fea and Tayong Dalawa while eating dinner. I watch it with my mom and my two brothers, and it’s always fun!
    “Ma, wag ka munang matulog. Upo ka muna.” I said.
    “Oo, nga. Pag kami na kakatapos kumain tapos hihiga, pinapagalitan mo kami.” Myron added.
    “Oo, nga. Hipokrito. Lagyan mo kaya ng unan sa likuran mo para soft, ha donya?” I said further.
    “Anong donya?!” My mom said, aghast.
    I rubbed her back. “Oo na, oo na. Nung bata ka, 10 cents lang baon mo.”
    “Aaawww!” My brothers said in unison.
    “Ah, best parent speech of all time!” Myron laughed.
    I don’t know how this events are all connected but I learned that things will always get better. Just think of tomorrow to be brighter. xoxo

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