azahari1977
away male - 32 years, setapak, Malaysia
Blog 60
-
Badak dan monyet
Alhikayat, dalam sebuah hutan ada seekor badak sumbu dan seekor monyet. Mereka ni memang tak pernah baik, selalu jer bertengkar..
Pada suatu hari, sedang mereka bertengkar, mereka terjumpa sebuah pelita ajaib. Dipendekkan cerita, setelah digosok,keluarlah seorang jin. Jin itu setuju untuk mengabulkan tiga permintaan bagi kedua2 menatang itu.
Permintaan 1 Badak : Saya mau semua badak sumbu di dalam hutan ini adalah betina, kecuali saya...hehe.
Permintaan 1 Monyet : Saya mau sebuah motor Harley Davidson
Jin tu kelip mata, bling... semua badak lain kat situ jadi betina, pastu ada sebuah Harley Davidson 1300cc warna hitam...
Permintaan 2 badak : Saya mau semua badak sumbu kat negeri pahang ni betina kecuali saya.. hehe
Permintaan 2 monyet : Saya mau jaket kulit hitam dengan helmet Shoei
Jin tu kelip mata lagi, bling... semua badak di pahang dah jadi betina, dan monyet tu pun dapat barang2 mat motornya tu..
Lepas tu jin tu kata "Ini permintaan terakhir kamu, pikirlah dengan baik2"
Badak tu pikir sejenak lepas tu kata " Saya mau semua badak sumbu kat Malaysia ni betina yang cun melencun ghilerrr... kecuali saya".
Jin tu pun kelipkan mata and then bling... maka tinggallah badak tu satu2nya badak jantan satu Malayanihh..
"Hah monyet, awak nak apa pulak.. kasut boot kulit ke?" tanya jin.
Monyet tu memakai helmetnya, naik atas motor Harleynya, start enjin, kemudian melihat pada badak yang tersengih lebarr tu, "Saya mau
badak tu jadi PONDAN"
Jin tu pun kelipkan mata, bling....
Maka meraunglah badak sumbu tu. sepuas2nya.. "Mana aku nak cari badak jantan ni nyah... ish.. tak kuaassa nyah"" -
TRUE STORY, MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month, at Shah Alam. Her name is Priya; she was hit by a lorry.
I don't want to mention the name of the college. She had a boyfriend names Shankar. He lives in Johore. Both of them are true lovers. They are always on the phone with each other. You can never see her without her handphone.
She spends ¾ of the day talking with Shankar. Priya's family knows about their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family (just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone". She also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin. I was there ~ a lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't , everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result was still the same.
Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand (pak Darin), who is a friend of her father's. He took a seat and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something
here". Then her friends told Darin bout her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone, together with the SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could now be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. (can you feel the fear? I'm shaking at this moment.)
Priya's parents didn't inform Shankar that Priya had passed away (pity Shankar). After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom.
Shankar: "Atte, I'm coming home today. Please cook something nice for me. Don't tell Priya that I'm coming home today; I want to surprise her."
Her mother replied, "You come home first, I want to tell you something very important."
After he arrived at Shah Alam, they told him
the truth about Priya.
Shankar thought that they were fooling around. He was laughing and said, "Don't try to fool me ... tell Priya to come out ... I have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense."
Then they show him the Priya's death certificate; they gave him proof to make him believe.
Shankar started to sweat profusely. He said, "It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me."
Shankar was shaking so badly when suddenly, his phone rang.
"See this is from Priya. See this ...." he showed the phone to Priya's family. All of them told him to answer. He used the loudspeaker mode. All
of them heard this conversation, loud and clear. No cross lines, no humming.
It was Priya's voice! And there was no way others could use her SIM card as it was nailed inside the coffin! They were so shocked and asked for pak Darin's help.
Pak Darin brought his master (Tok Chen) to solve this matter. He and pak Darin worked for 5 hours ... then they discovered one thing .....
FU-YOOH
*DiGi. Best coverage ever, ONE LOW FLAT RATE~!!!!!!! Anyone, any network,
anytime, ANYWHERE!!!*
I WILL FOLLOW YOU... FOLLOW YOU WHEREVER YOU MAY GO...
(STILL WANT TO USE DIGI ?
-
Made in Japan
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport .
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ..look ..Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia .
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge ! !
Driver: Noooo ... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan! -
Q & A
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!
Q: How many knees do people have?
A: 4. Your left knee, your right knee, and your two kid-knees!
Q: What did the doctor give the patient with a splitting headache?
A: Glue!
Q: What happens when the queen burps?
A: She gets a royal pardon.
Q: What has 24 teeth and can't talk?
A: A comb!
Q: What do you get from a dancing cow?
A: Milkshakes!
Q: What is the most dangerous city?
A: Electricity!
Q: What is full of holes but can still carry water?
A: A sponge!
Q: Why was the dog jealous of the tree?
A: Because it had a better bark!
Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Do you believe in people?
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don`t work!
Q: Why did the elephant quit the circus?
A: Because he didn't want to work for peanuts!
Q: How do you make gold soup?
A: Add 14 carrots!
Q: What's a witch's favorite web site?
A: The spell checker!
Q: What do you call it when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
A: Jurassic pork!
Q: What's the difference between a fly and a bird?
A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
Q: What do you call a piece of wood that's doing nothing?
A: Bored!
Q: What is the loudest pet?
A: The trum-pet!
Q: How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater?
A: Don't be silly - sheep can't knit! -
Selalunya laaaaaaa!
Kalau perempuan LAWA pendiam
Lelaki akan cakap: Woow, ciri-ciri isteri idaman...
kalau perempuan TAK LAWA pendiam
Lelaki akan cakap: Eh? tak reti komunikasi betul...
kalau perempuan LAWA berbuat jahat
Lelaki akan kata: Musti ada krisis dalaman
nih.kesian
kalau perempuan TAK LAWA berbuat jahat
Lelaki akan cakap: Dah la tak lawa, perangai pulak huduh...
kalau perempuan LAWA menolong Lelaki yg
diganggu
Lelaki akan cakap: Heroin sejati...!
kalau perempuan TAK LAWA menolong Lelaki
yang diganggu
Lelaki akan kata: Taktik nak ngorat le tu...
kalau perempuan LAWA dapat Lelaki hensem
Lelaki akan kata: ok gak la...padan...
kalau perempuan TAK LAWA dapat Lelaki hensem
Lelaki akan kata: Kesian..mesti kena bomoh lelaki tuh!
kalau perempuan LAWA ditinggal kekasih
Lelaki akan kata: Buta kayu betul mamat tu....
kalau perempuan TAK LAWA ditinggal kekasih
Lelaki akan kata: ...patut pun kena reject... -
More Jokes!
Heard of this, it happened in an Adult (clean type) English Class:
Teacher : Ah Beng, give me a Malaysian fruit that start with the alphabet "L"
Ah Beng : Langsat
Teacher : Very good!
Ah Beng got so proud and excited that he shouted 3 more : Lulian, Lambutan, Luku
************************************
Mr.Samy-vellu went for the United Nation's meeting. He represented the Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were discussing the space exploration by the year 2008.
China Delegate : "By the year 2008, China will
start their moon exploration project."
Russian Delegate : "We too, we are going to
explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."
George Bush & Clinton:"We the United States will also explore the moon for the second time."
Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun."
There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate: "Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Samy Vellu (after a long silence): "We will do it in the evening."
************************************
New Vocab from Oxford Dictionary (Singapore Edition)
1) LILY - adverb. extremely, really.
"Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"
2) VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily).
"Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"
3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally
found with valley.
"Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"
4) CORAL - verb. to bicker.
"Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"
5) REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with.
"You lily wantto coral reef me ah?"
6) ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable
demeanour. "
"Ah Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem".
7) CIRRUS - adjective. certain.
"You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"
8) CANOPY - phrase. impossible.
"He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where
got money?"
9) OLDLADY - adjective. completed.
"Wah...you finish oldlady ah."
10) SUIT - verb. to project forward.
"Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady."
11) SOW - verb. to reveal.
"Sow me, sow me your new ting."
12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of
gravel & tar. "We go Orchard Load leh."
13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send.
"What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me." -
Visiting India!
Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and
broke his jaw. He was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he is, he continued his grand tour. On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for his press conference.
Although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues. Samy caught a chicken and showed it to the camera. Next he took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag and displayed it in front of the camera.
Dr. Ling was the first to see the video clip. He
said, "Samy is telling us that India has insufficient food because he showed us a chicken and a goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate bags of rice.
"Mahathir watched silently then said, "No
lah....what Samy is trying to say is HE IS
COMING BACK. The whole cabinet was puzzled
and look to the old man for an explanation.
Mahathir reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BEG." ("I AM COMING BACK" in Indian accent) -
GOING UNDER
a diver is enjoying aquatic world ten metres below sea level. he notices a guy at the same depth with no scuba gear whatsoever!
the diver goes down another five metres, and the guy joins him a few minutes later. so the diver goes down five more metres, and is joined by this gearless guy yet again.
confused, the diver takes out a waterproof chalkboard set, and writes, "How the hack are you able to dive this deep without equipment?"
the guy grabs the board and writes back, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!" -
A Chinese Girl And An Italian Man
A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a worldwide message center wanting to send an urgent, important message to her mother in China. The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around US$100/=.
She exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China!"
The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, "Anything?"
"Yes, I promise...anything!" she said.
With that, the Italian said, "Follow me." He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close the door." "Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did.
"Unzip me!" he said. She did. Then he said, "Go on...take it out." She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly. The Italian closed his eyes and & whispered, "Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for?"
Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said loudly,
"Hello....hello!!! Mah...Mah!!!..Can you hear me?" -
Sketsa Doktor
Seorang gadis berusia awal 20an menemui seorang doktor pakar jiwa.
"Doktor, saya rasa teramat marah yg sangat-sangat dgn boyfreind saya hinggakan saya memanggilnya manusia bangsat. Ada kalanya saya rasa ianya keterlaluan, dan ada kalanya pula saya rasa sememangnya patut saya memanggil dia macamtu.."
"Hmm.. panggilan itu sememangnya satu kejian &hinaan yg agak melampau untuk seseorang.. tapi, mungkin kamu ada sebab tersendiri sehingga memangilnya sedemikian. Ceritakan & luahkanlah kpd saya agar saya dapat membantu.."
"Ya memang ada.. pd satu malam kami berduaan di tepi pantai dalam kereta. Dia pegang tangan saya."
"Dia pegang tangan kamu macam ni ke?"
"Ya. Macam yg doktor buat nilah caranya"
"Kalau hanya sebab ini, tidak sepatutnya dia dipanggil bang_at. Itu tandanya dia tidak mahu berengang dgn kamu..."
"Kemudian dia merapatkan badannya kepada saya dan memeluk bahu saya..."
"Dia buat macam ni ke?"
"Ya. Macam ni lah dia peluk saya doktor.."
"Itu bukan bangsat, itu tandanya dia mahu sentiasa berdamping dgn kamu."
"Kemudian dia cium saya.."
"Dia cium kamu macam ni ke?"
"Ya. Ciumannya sama seperti yg doktor buat."
"Kalau sekadar ciuman seperti ini, masih belum boleh dipanggil bang_sat.Itu tandanya dia sayangkan kamu."
"Kemudia dia memasukkan tangannya kedalam baju aya & meraba2 buah dada saya doktor.."
"Dia buat macam ni ke?"
"Ya.Macam doktor buat inilah cara dia emperlakukannya.."
"Itu bukan bangsat, itu tandanya dia mahu mmbelai diri kamu.."
"Kemudian dia menanggalkan kesemua pakaian saya satu persatu.."
"Adakah kamu membantah tindakannya?"
"Tidak. malah saya merelakannya sebab saya sayangkan dia.."
"Dia tanggalkan pakaian kamu macam ni ker?"
"Ya. Sampai saya berbogel sepenuhnya macam sekarang ni doktor..."
"Itu masih belum patut dipanggil bangsat kerana apa yg dia buat sebab nak mengenali diri kamu sepenuhnya"
"Kemudian dia mencumbui saya lalu mengadakan hubungan badan sepenuhnya dgn saya..."
.....................
"Dia buat macam yg kita buat tadi ker?"
"Ya. Memang itulah yg kami lakukan ketika itu"
"Itu juga masih belum boleh dipanggil bangsat. Itu tandanya dia memerlukan kamu."
"Kemudian dia memberitahu saya yg dia sebenarnya ada AIDS"
"CHESSSS!!!!! ITU MEMANG BANGSAT!!!!!"
Semua pekerja klinik terkejut dgn jeritan doktor pakar jiwa itu..
