angelwithabullet
Trust female - 46 years
Blog / Tags / jokes
Blog messages with the tag 'jokes':
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Men and Women
WIFE V HUSBANDA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight...
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.
by the way, i love men, so don't think this is personal ... just chuckle!
kx -
MORONS AT HEATHROW
Two guys have wasted their time at airports, in this case, London’s Heathrow, by writing down strange names and asking the airport Information Center to locate these people by calling out their names on the airport’s PA system. These guys would then hang out beneath the speakers and record the results.
In order to make it as believable as possible, they dressed up as chauffeurs and asked for help finding these people about 40 minutes after a Thai Airways or Air India flight had landed.
They acted as if they could not pronounce the names themselves, so as not to reveal the joke, but just handed over a note with the names printed on it and asked the employ at the Information Center.
After the fifth recording, they had to leave Heathrow as airport security figured out what was going on. The last recording is from Gatwick.
Give these guys the Big Practical Joker prize.
Read these aloud to a friend ...
Looks like ...
1 Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed
2 Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie
3 Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest
4 Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet
5 Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted
6 Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee
Ready for this?
Go ahead, piss yourself laughing!
Reads like ...
1 I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired
2 I‘ve just been fired, and bye-bye everybody
3 I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed
4 Oo-ah, that feels better and now I need a shit
5 My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard
6 Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea -
Only a VERY Brave Man would say these things ....
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
See - told you I wasn't a feminist!
kx -
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
... Uphill... Barefoot.
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of Today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record shop and Shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and then the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy Signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mum, your boss, your Bookie, Your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the ZX Spectrum or Atari 2600! with games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to Wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-b*****ds!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile, Whether they are under 30 or not.)
