angelwithabullet
Trust female - 46 years
Blog / Fight, Flight, Freeze or F**k
Tuesday, 16 June 2009 at 13:22
Where do panic attacks come from?
I was reading up about them tonight, in an attempt to finalise my essay needed for a course that I've signed up for. Writing about the subject of anxiety in the safety of the environment that I work within gave me no sense whatsoever of the symptoms that a person would experience while going through those emotions. Of course, I could dredge up old memories, but I didn't want to go down that route. But I was to be tested, fairly soon, on them.
If I had known I was to be tested on them, at first hand, that very evening, with my essay sat on my desk in front of me, would I have gone to work? Yes. As I'm always a one for a challenge, I like to face life head on. And I realise it is from my mistakes that we learn valuable lessons in life.
This was a challenge I hope not to repeat and a lesson I hope I have learned from.
Tonight I was called beautiful. Tonight I had a 19 year old lad tell me he wanted to marry me. Tonight, as I grappled with the symptoms of panic rising within me, I was scared.
What were the symptoms? And, if I was being handed all those wonderful comments, why was I scared?
The symptoms were a very slight twinge in the gut reaction to a young lad's request for me to sit beside him. I wish I had paid attention to that twinge. Instead, I smiled, said "Awh, I wish I could," with 'tongue in cheek' then turned away.
Ten minutes later, that lad, and his mate entered my office and spoke to each other about an article they had seen in the paper about a woman with six kids absconding with a young lad of about 19 years old. Within earshot, one of them said "Lucky bastard, wish that would happen to me!"
Then they both stood up and sat on my desk and started to roll their own cigarettes. I asked them, politely, to smoke outside. They nodded and asked me if I had ever smoked before - I replied "no" - to which they asked: "anything?" - "no".
To change the subject I asked them if they wanted me to order any DVDs ... "Yeah, blue movies!" I smiled and shook my head, sorry, can't have those I'm afraid."
"Why not? The lads would enjoy them."
"I've no doubt about that, but I'm afraid this is not the place for them."
"You're beautiful, you are." he looked me in the eye as he said it and I didn't see any hint of a lie in that face.
Always one for telling everyone else to accept compliments graciously, I had to put my own advice into action, so I said "Thank you." and smiled.
Then one of the lads knelt down and asked "Will you marry me?"
Chuckling, I shook my head and said "No."
The other one piped up, saying to the others, "Eh, you lot, disappear, cos me and the lady here are going to get married - so we can ..." then he started rocking his hips back and forth.
I pursed my lips and, not wishing to get angry with the lads who were just having a bit of fun, but needing to let them know there are boundaries, I passed the comment: "Somehow, the line is being stepped over, so I think we ought to stop this conversation now."
"Have I offended you?" he asked, not in full innocence I wager. But this comment was followed by an embarressed apology and a swift exit.
Nevertheless, after they both left, I felt my heart beating very fast and my face burning. This was the fight or flight response. But, instead of shouting at them or running away from the situation, I froze. I certainly didn't want to indulge in the last response mechanism asigned to the natural laws of 'survival'.
The gut reaction that I should have paid attention to was tension. Tension comes from our animal instinct telling us that something is not quite right. Something is about to threaten us. It's the body's anxiety response at a biological behavioural level that tells us to 'get away from this situation - you might die'.
Naturally, I didn't pay attention to it. Why? Cos I'm in a 'safe' environment.
What had been going on between the lads and me was a bit of harmless banter. Banter that was being stretched and pushed to however far I could handle it. This is the nature of men. They need to do this. It's in their blood. They do and say things until they either get physically hurt - or reprimanded. I understand this.
They were being 'just lads'. They are filled with testosterone and that hormone makes them do things and urges them to 'go for it' - even to the point of no return.
It was my call. I allowed it to go on for a bit longer than it should have done. I was to blame for the error in judgement. Though, that knowledge didn't stop me from being scared and experiencing that 'anxiety' response, that 'panic attack' like the one I was trying to write about for my essay.
As he disappeared out the door and down the stairs into the darkness, I thought about how young girls can get raped so easily. I, as an older woman experienced in the ways of the world and (in general) of men, sensed that the conversation had to be halted by me - in a gentle and non-judgemental way. Even though I was enjoying the banter, it still went further than I should have allowed it. A young girl may probably not know that boundary and take it that the boy wanted her for being her - not just for sex.
This certainly was a challenge for me. It tested my boundaries. It tested my morality. It tested my emotional intelligence, sharp wit and deep wisdom. It tested my gut level animalistic instinct against my human spirit.
I would have made a big mistake had I allowed the talk to go further. However, as it stands, I think I have saved face. Not only mine, but the young lad who would have pushed it to the max - understanding that it was wrong to go too far, but acting with the blood pumping in his veins and thinking with the wrong head.
So, yes, afterall, I did get to experience the fight, flight, freeze or f**k response. I got to test those emotional symptoms. And you know what ... I think I can write my essay now.
Comments 11 Sort comments:
GEORDIE PRIDE Trust (Thursday, 2 July 2009 at 00:37)
The 4 F's !. Sent you a message on this one. Hope you's are well Kaye xx
Andy Fox Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 01:35)
- angelwithabullet:
- sixfootbear:
- angelwithabullet:
- sixfootbear:
I think you were in a dangerous situation Kaye. You handled it well but i guess you now know "fear" only too well. Panic attacks? Yes i have them.At times i have fought,at other times i have got the fuck outa there and then controlled myself and gone back into the situation that frightened me. Never had the opportunity to fuck my way out of a situation. Or if i have ummm"erectus dissapearus"...
Fear is the emotional sensation deriving from our animal instincts - it's our response mechanism to get the 'issue resolved' (i.e. fight or flight). I hope that I am now a little more evolved than that and rely on my human spirit to guide me.
thanks for commenting
kaye x
I am a neanderthal then.
When i hit my dad, not a thing i am proud of but it was him hitting me or me running again or fighting him,i was so bloody scared.And i floored him.It was in reality the only option.And he hasnt hit me since. He broke me if you like.
He wasnt the only one. And i am being too open,.
At school i was bullied untill i started fighting back. I think i was easy to rile and folk knew how to get some sort of reaction.But when i started hitting them back they didnt like it. I will admit i was on heavy doses of painkillers, thanks to a back injury,so i didnt actually feel the physical hurt they were causing me. I am still wary of medication thanks to those episodes.And yes wary still of people.
I dont know about human spirit Kaye. Sorry but i dont. I do think you did extremely well in the situation you were in and i also think that you should not have been placed in it. For that incident alone i wonder about your bosses abilitys.
Andrew x
i do not blame my bosses. this is the nature of the job. it calls for a mature attitude and a wisdom to know how to handle situations like this. i'm not saying that i'm perfect, i still make mistakes, but i always try to be fair in my dealings with people.
sorry that you had that experience with your dad. sometimes we attract people into our lives that we need to learn lessons from. ask yourself 'what is it within me that i need to learn from this person?' your answer to the situation will come to you.
kaye x
Remember that word you told me to use in another blog of yours? Well i have and have had no response. Que sera sera.
My dad is a bully. That is who he is. But i do not allow him to bully me. I dont think he knows how to cope with that.
You were placed in a high risk situation. I think you handled it brilliantly but i still think you were wrong to be placed in that situation. Maybe i am being overprotective and if so then i apologise.
Andrew x
Fergus K Beansprout Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 01:21)
- angelwithabullet:
- One_Angry_Man:
I think your actions were perfectly timed and were the ideal response in what was a potentially dangerous situation. Yes, it was uncomfortable for you, but this is just the sort of intimidatory situation that young people - and girls do this as much as boys - thrive upon. It gives tem a buzz, an adrenaline rush to make someone feel unsettled.
good to know. though i don't think the younger people are any more adrenaline junkies than i was when i was their age - remember the happy-clappy 60s (i was a young child at the time my mother was hooked on drugs)
If you were too heavy-handed, who knows which way the situation would have gone. Not assertive enough and you could have been in serious trouble.
there is a fine line between agression and assertion and it's good to be able to learn the difference. in this instance, i didn't want to be 'disliked', but felt safety was an important aspect, so control was indeed called for.
My ex was a teacher, and her rule of thumb was that all children (and most men) need to know exactly where the line was that they must not cross. It is security. Discipline. Many will try to step over that line, but that is all they will do - try. The fact that someone stops them from crossing the line is reassuring; that someone is there to discipline them, to shepherd them and to keep them just this side of legal.
i wonder how parents cope today, many seem to want to be 'friends' with their kids, and in most cases it works, however, i guess its hard to discipline a 'friend' who happens to be your child
My own experience in a similar situation comes from being one of only 2 male members of staff in an all-girls' secondary school in inner London. Advice on what to wear and what not to wear was sought. "My boyfriend thinks my boobs are too small sir. What do you think?" That sort of thing. Uncomfortable at first, but the line had to be drawn, and eventually both parties knew how far to go. Like all walks of life, honesty, tact and directness are the way to go.
wow - only two males in a school of girls - most men would say 'lucky you'! but i guess i know what you're talking about. girls can be intimidating and some of them are here too. but it's down to character and personality in the end and i hark back to the phrase 'you can't tar a nation with the same brush' - no two people are the same (thankfully).
I've rambled. Sorry. Best of luck with your essay
no worries about the rambling - i appreciated the lengthy response. thank you.
kaye
My pleasure. Made a change to be able to have a serious chat! Jim
angelwithabullet Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 01:13)
- sixfootbear:
- angelwithabullet:
- sixfootbear:
I think you were in a dangerous situation Kaye. You handled it well but i guess you now know "fear" only too well. Panic attacks? Yes i have them.At times i have fought,at other times i have got the fuck outa there and then controlled myself and gone back into the situation that frightened me. Never had the opportunity to fuck my way out of a situation. Or if i have ummm"erectus dissapearus"...
Fear is the emotional sensation deriving from our animal instincts - it's our response mechanism to get the 'issue resolved' (i.e. fight or flight). I hope that I am now a little more evolved than that and rely on my human spirit to guide me.
thanks for commenting
kaye x
I am a neanderthal then.
When i hit my dad, not a thing i am proud of but it was him hitting me or me running again or fighting him,i was so bloody scared.And i floored him.It was in reality the only option.And he hasnt hit me since. He broke me if you like.
He wasnt the only one. And i am being too open,.
At school i was bullied untill i started fighting back. I think i was easy to rile and folk knew how to get some sort of reaction.But when i started hitting them back they didnt like it. I will admit i was on heavy doses of painkillers, thanks to a back injury,so i didnt actually feel the physical hurt they were causing me. I am still wary of medication thanks to those episodes.And yes wary still of people.
I dont know about human spirit Kaye. Sorry but i dont. I do think you did extremely well in the situation you were in and i also think that you should not have been placed in it. For that incident alone i wonder about your bosses abilitys.
Andrew x
i do not blame my bosses. this is the nature of the job. it calls for a mature attitude and a wisdom to know how to handle situations like this. i'm not saying that i'm perfect, i still make mistakes, but i always try to be fair in my dealings with people.
sorry that you had that experience with your dad. sometimes we attract people into our lives that we need to learn lessons from. ask yourself 'what is it within me that i need to learn from this person?' your answer to the situation will come to you.
kaye x
Andy Fox Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 01:07)
- angelwithabullet:
- sixfootbear:
I think you were in a dangerous situation Kaye. You handled it well but i guess you now know "fear" only too well. Panic attacks? Yes i have them.At times i have fought,at other times i have got the fuck outa there and then controlled myself and gone back into the situation that frightened me. Never had the opportunity to fuck my way out of a situation. Or if i have ummm"erectus dissapearus"...
Fear is the emotional sensation deriving from our animal instincts - it's our response mechanism to get the 'issue resolved' (i.e. fight or flight). I hope that I am now a little more evolved than that and rely on my human spirit to guide me.
thanks for commenting
kaye x
I am a neanderthal then.
When i hit my dad, not a thing i am proud of but it was him hitting me or me running again or fighting him,i was so bloody scared.And i floored him.It was in reality the only option.And he hasnt hit me since. He broke me if you like.
He wasnt the only one. And i am being too open,.
At school i was bullied untill i started fighting back. I think i was easy to rile and folk knew how to get some sort of reaction.But when i started hitting them back they didnt like it. I will admit i was on heavy doses of painkillers, thanks to a back injury,so i didnt actually feel the physical hurt they were causing me. I am still wary of medication thanks to those episodes.And yes wary still of people.
I dont know about human spirit Kaye. Sorry but i dont. I do think you did extremely well in the situation you were in and i also think that you should not have been placed in it. For that incident alone i wonder about your bosses abilitys.
Andrew x
angelwithabullet Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 01:00)
- One_Angry_Man:
I think your actions were perfectly timed and were the ideal response in what was a potentially dangerous situation. Yes, it was uncomfortable for you, but this is just the sort of intimidatory situation that young people - and girls do this as much as boys - thrive upon. It gives tem a buzz, an adrenaline rush to make someone feel unsettled.
good to know. though i don't think the younger people are any more adrenaline junkies than i was when i was their age - remember the happy-clappy 60s (i was a young child at the time my mother was hooked on drugs)
If you were too heavy-handed, who knows which way the situation would have gone. Not assertive enough and you could have been in serious trouble.
there is a fine line between agression and assertion and it's good to be able to learn the difference. in this instance, i didn't want to be 'disliked', but felt safety was an important aspect, so control was indeed called for.
My ex was a teacher, and her rule of thumb was that all children (and most men) need to know exactly where the line was that they must not cross. It is security. Discipline. Many will try to step over that line, but that is all they will do - try. The fact that someone stops them from crossing the line is reassuring; that someone is there to discipline them, to shepherd them and to keep them just this side of legal.
i wonder how parents cope today, many seem to want to be 'friends' with their kids, and in most cases it works, however, i guess its hard to discipline a 'friend' who happens to be your child
My own experience in a similar situation comes from being one of only 2 male members of staff in an all-girls' secondary school in inner London. Advice on what to wear and what not to wear was sought. "My boyfriend thinks my boobs are too small sir. What do you think?" That sort of thing. Uncomfortable at first, but the line had to be drawn, and eventually both parties knew how far to go. Like all walks of life, honesty, tact and directness are the way to go.
wow - only two males in a school of girls - most men would say 'lucky you'! but i guess i know what you're talking about. girls can be intimidating and some of them are here too. but it's down to character and personality in the end and i hark back to the phrase 'you can't tar a nation with the same brush' - no two people are the same (thankfully).
I've rambled. Sorry. Best of luck with your essay
no worries about the rambling - i appreciated the lengthy response. thank you.
kaye
angelwithabullet Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 00:53)
- sixfootbear:
I think you were in a dangerous situation Kaye. You handled it well but i guess you now know "fear" only too well. Panic attacks? Yes i have them.At times i have fought,at other times i have got the fuck outa there and then controlled myself and gone back into the situation that frightened me. Never had the opportunity to fuck my way out of a situation. Or if i have ummm"erectus dissapearus"...
Fear is the emotional sensation deriving from our animal instincts - it's our response mechanism to get the 'issue resolved' (i.e. fight or flight). I hope that I am now a little more evolved than that and rely on my human spirit to guide me.
thanks for commenting
kaye x
angelwithabullet Trust (Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 00:52)
- zarrow52:
wow, spooky-your writing about something, then it happens.
we must chat about the situation sometime, when we both have time.
i think you handled it well. how would you have acted if the lad was on his own?
i would have handled it in exactly the same way. i respect the lads that i work with, but it's the nature of men to push until they are told not to. maybe i'm too forgiving? perhaps. but that is my way and, this time at least, no harm was done.
kaye x
Fergus K Beansprout Trust (Tuesday, 16 June 2009 at 22:56)
I think your actions were perfectly timed and were the ideal response in what was a potentially dangerous situation. Yes, it was uncomfortable for you, but this is just the sort of intimidatory situation that young people - and girls do this as much as boys - thrive upon. It gives tem a buzz, an adrenaline rush to make someone feel unsettled.
If you were too heavy-handed, who knows which way the situation would have gone. Not assertive enough and you could have been in serious trouble.
My ex was a teacher, and her rule of thumb was that all children (and most men) need to know exactly where the line was that they must not cross. It is security. Discipline. Many will try to step over that line, but that is all they will do - try. The fact that someone stops them from crossing the line is reassuring; that someone is there to discipline them, to shepherd them and to keep them just this side of legal.
My own experience in a similar situation comes from being one of only 2 male members of staff in an all-girls' secondary school in inner London. Advice on what to wear and what not to wear was sought. "My boyfriend thinks my boobs are too small sir. What do you think?" That sort of thing. Uncomfortable at first, but the line had to be drawn, and eventually both parties knew how far to go. Like all walks of life, honesty, tact and directness are the way to go.
I've rambled. Sorry. Best of luck with your essay
Andy Fox Trust (Tuesday, 16 June 2009 at 22:38)
I think you were in a dangerous situation Kaye. You handled it well but i guess you now know "fear" only too well. Panic attacks? Yes i have them.At times i have fought,at other times i have got the fuck outa there and then controlled myself and gone back into the situation that frightened me. Never had the opportunity to fuck my way out of a situation. Or if i have ummm"erectus dissapearus"...
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