PAGANW0LF
Trust male - 43 years
Blog / Tags / funny
Blog messages with the tag 'funny':
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SCIENTISTS INVENT DILDO THAT CAN REMOVE SPIDERS
MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub. The invention, described as the 'Holy Grail of dildo technology' will come with a free scrunchy and a bag of synthetic sperm and be in the shops in time for a man-free Christmas.
Inventor Professor Holly Brubaker said: "Upon discovering a spider the woman simply points the dildo at it and presses the big, pink button marked 'icky spider'. "The dildo will emit an ultrasonic pulse and the spider will then run as fast as it can for the nearest available exit." She added: "The woman can then return to pleasuring herself by candlelight while eating a big bowl of chocolate buttons and reading about the fat parts of all the celebrities she watches on Living TV."
News of the breakthrough has led to a wave of nostalgia among women for the men they will soon be chasing down the garden path with one of their own golf clubs.
Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: "I think what I'll miss most is being spoken to like a child by someone who thinks he's the cleverest person in the world because he read the answers to all the Trivial Pursuit questions when he was 15." Jane Gerving, from Hatfield, said: "I'll miss living with the funniest man in the universe. He's just so very fucking funny. All the time." She added: "And of course, I'll miss the farts. The unrelenting tsunami of God awful, eye-watering, gut-wrenching farts."
Tom Logan, a pointless unit from Doncaster, said: "I got rid of a bat once. Can your dildo get rid of a bat?"
Scientists now predict the last man will have the last wank sometime in 2093 -
Being Dead
Being dead used to be ever so easy. They’d put you in a box, lower you gingerly into the ground and let you rot in peace. Or, if the ground in your town was full, they’d throw you on a fire and let you spend the rest of time in a vase, on your mother’s mantelpiece. Now, though, in the same way that you can get married underwater or during a parachute jump, you can choose how you wish to be disposed of when you have done dying. Just this week, for instance, a former navy diver called Derick Redfern was attached to the nose of a torpedo, which was then detonated on the sea bed off Plymouth. This means that now, and for all time, Mr Redfern is a part of the Gulf Stream. Meanwhile, in Spain, officials at the Catalunya circuit near Barcelona announced on Monday that motor-racing fans can now be laid to rest at the track. Quite how this will work I don’t know. It’ll certainly be a big nuisance for Lewis Hamilton next year if he skids in the final corner on Geoff Simmons of Batley. Perhaps they mean that a dead person can be used as part of the tyre wall. Or maybe to soak up oil spills. Some may argue that if you are used as a crash barrier or detonated on the sea bed, some of death’s dignity is lost. I’m not sure this is so, because I don’t see much dignity in lying in a box with your eyes leaking out of your face either. Far better, surely, to use your liquefying body as a soft landing for racing drivers. And if you wind up in the Atlantic conveyor, at least you get to see the Caribbean once in a while – something that’s not possible if you are lying under 6ft of earth.
I’ve always said that when I die I want to be buried, because the summerlands will be hard to enjoy if I’ve been cremated. Seriously, you’re never going to pull one of the Goddess's handmaided if you look like the contents of a Hoover bag. It’s for this reason I’m nervous about donor cards. I don’t think it’d be much fun in the land of milk and honey with no liver.
However, now that it’s possible to make all sorts of odd requests, I’m reconsidering my Post-Reaper strategy. This needs serious thought. I know this because I have watched people try to scatter the remains of their loved ones off the old Viaduct at Millers Dale. It sounds lovely, but because it’s always windy, the bereaved family normally ends up going home with bits of their dearly departed dad in their hair. This means that, far from ending up on a lonely rocky outcrop, he winds up being washed down the plughole amid much sobbing, wailing, gnashing of teeth and herbal essences.
Space is tempting because there’s no wind, and it doesn’t change, and I’m delighted to report there is indeed a company that will blast your ashes into orbit for just £250. A word of warning, though. While the company managed to get bits of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, into orbit, it made a bit of a hash of things when it came to getting the Enterprise’s chief engineer up there. The first time it tried, the rocket crashed and Scotty ended up not in the Andromeda Galaxy but just outside Santa Fe, in New Mexico. Happily he was found, and earlier this year he was launched again from a Pacific atoll. But that went wrong too when the rocket exploded, sending the Canadian actor into the sea, where, one day, he will probably crash head-on into Derick Redfern. -
Get out of my life
Ah, I remember the day i first saw you. I was stunned by how great you looked and I counted the days until I could hold you. That first day was magical, and yet, as the months went on, I noticed a change, you became more and more unreliable, I found it more and more difficult to turn you on or even to talk to you and you were unwilling to accept any time or attention lavished on you. Simple requests were ignored while you went ahead and did your own thing. It had got to such a stage where you became so unreliable, I had no choice but to let you go and move on.
Yes my Nokia 6500, you have been nothing but a pain in the ass and i'm glad to see the back of you!
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Coven pecking order
HIGH PRIEST: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a speeding locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and dictates policy to God.
3RD DEGREE INITIATE: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, more powerful than a shunting engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water...if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
2ND DEGREE INITIATE: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds, is faster than a BB, more powerful than a railway donkey truck, walks on water in a swimming pool, and talks to God...if a special request is approved.
1ST DEGREE INITIATE: Clears a small hut, loses the race with the locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.
NEOPHYTE: Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, frequently wets self with a water pistol, can do the dog paddle, and mostly mumbles to animals.
HIGH PRIESTESS: Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in her teeth, freezes water with a single glance..........SHE *IS* GOD! -
OH MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills, and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night." -
Master and servant, a Conversation (For RR's Birthday)
Slave:
:::kneeling::: Oh Master!!!! You are the whole of my universe, the certainty of my existence. You are why my heart beats, my lungs fill, my toes curl. You shelter me like the Metropolitan Police do their own. i grovel before you in awe of Your power, willing to satisfy You in every way...
Master:
::: peering over the paper::: Every way?
Slave:
::: pressing forehead to the floor and wiggling seductively::: Anything and everything is open to You oh Magnificent Maven of Mastery!! i beg, nay, beseech, nay still, humbly crawl to kiss Your toes in the hopes You will use me...
Master:
The bank account?
Slave:
:::With a confused expression looking up from underneath her hair::: what?
Master:
Your bank account. You said everything was open to me, so I was thinking of that big account you have...
Slave:
:::coming up on all fours to stare::: Oh most wonderfulest of all Masters, surely you know that your ultimate control of me is so extensive that all I have is yours, but... BUT... You are so secure in the knowledge of my perfect and total enslavement that You would have no need to actually *have* an account number for this, Your most humble of servants.
Master:
No cash?
Slave:
::: dropping head back down to the floor::: As always, Master, Your understanding of my heart is perfection in and of itself. It is why i give You every atom of my being, even unto the subatomic level...
Master:
:::folding away the paper::: Then it's sex.
Slave:
:::raising and throwing her arms up in the air::: YESYESYES.. Oh, Master of mine, You are truly the ultimate owner of my being!!!
Master:
oral sex.
Slave:
YESYESYESYES
Master:
You would like to give me oral sex.
Slave:
::: dropping arms to her sides to stare::: what?
Master:
Well, I thought that this time instead of me... you know... I might command you...
Slave:
:::gritting teeth::: MASTER.... errr Master, Your memory being so much better and stronger than that of Your lowly slave, i *know* You recall how You show Your ultimate Mastery by satis... er... torturing Your property for hours on end. You recall how i shriek at Your touch? How i squirm in agony trying to escape?
Master:
Well, yes... there is a lot of squirming...
Slave:
:::leaping to her feet and jumping up and down::: Oh Master!! You punish Your slave to help her better serve You in the perfection of Your regard!! :::running into the bedroom, voice fading into the distance::: Let Your lowly slave suffer soon, Master!!
Master:
:::sighing deeply, turning off the TV and following his slave into the bedroom:::
Slave:
:::Lying back on the bed, one arm behind her head, legs crossed, slowly blowing smoke rings::: Oh Master, You are surely showing this one how to behave tonight.
Master:
:::lying on his back, chest heaving, sweaty hair matted to his head::: uhhh... uhhhh
Slave:
:::sighing and stretching::: This lowly slave is so happy she learned on the web that everyone has their own unique way to share in the wondrous world of D and s...
Master:
uhhhhnn.. uhhh
Slave:
...and is so happy that her Master is so cruel and demanding and that she can offer herself totally to Him each and every day!
Master:
UHHH... uhhhh
Slave:
And Master?
Master:
uhh?
Slave:
:::looking deeply into His eyes, lower lip trembling::: It makes Your slave tremble in fear and longing to know that soon You will once again train Your slave to perfect obedience by denying her the pleasure of cooking dinner...
Master:
:::sighing and rolling eyes in that way that a man who knows he can't win does::: uhhhhhhhhhhhnn
Happy Birthday RR
x -
The Managed Dominance Plan
Last daft blog of the year, promise
It was only a matter of time before life assurance companies extended their famously compassionate, selfless concern for the well-being of clients to more personal areas of their subscribers lives. We have just received word of a new pilot program exemplifying the vast, as yet untapped possibilities for creative market penetration by enterprising MCOs.
Welcome to Managed Submissive Plan, a whole new way of thinking about dominance and submission. The Managed Submissive Plan (MSP) combines all the advantages of a traditional Submissive network with important, cost-saving features.
How does it work?
Under the plan, you choose your Dom/me(s) from a network of pre screened, accredited Dominance Providers (DPs). You designate one of these DPs as your Primary Dominance Provider (PDP). If you do not designate a Primary Dominance Provider, one will be designated for you.
What's wrong with my current Dom/me?
If you're like most people, you are receiving Dominance services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old relationships, leather bars and the Internet. Many of your current dominance providers may not meet national standards. Under Managed Dominance, your domination needs are coordinated by your designated PDP, who will ensure the quality of all your Dominant/submissive relationships and activities.
How do I know that the Plan's panel of Dom/mes is not made up of a bunch of losers who can't get subs on their own?
Our dedicated and highly trained Dominance Providers are committed to delivering Quality Dominance in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a Dom/me, rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high Domination expenses that have caused the cost of traditional Dominance to skyrocket.
What if I need a special Dom/me, say for public parties or sensory deprivation training?
Specialty Dom/mes are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly D/s relationships. Under the Managed Dominance Plan, your Primary Dominance Provider is qualified to provide most Dominant activities. However, your designated PDP may pre-approve your referral to a Special Dom/me within the Managed Dominance Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her Dominance.
Suppose I want to see Dom/mes outside the Managed BDSM Network?
You may meet Dom/mes outside the Managed Dominance Network only in the event of a Dominance emergency.
What Dominant activities are covered under the Plan?
* Restraining you
* Appearing unsympathetic
* Ignoring you
* Petulance
* Clothespins
* Humiliation
* Correction
* Flogging
* Chastity Training
* Gagging
What Dominant activities are not covered under the Plan?
* Room and board
* Bending over backward (subs may be made to bend any direction)
* Mind twisting
* Giving a hoot
* Going the extra mile
* 24/7
* Real empathy
* Aftercare
* Rule setting
* Using real whips
A simple call is all it takes. Sign up for the Managed Submissive Plan and rest easier knowing that all of your appropriate submissive needs will be met.
Who decides what is appropriate for me?
We do!. you are a submissive and you will do exactly as you are told and be grateful we did worm! -
The Eve of Midwinter
'Twas the Eve of Midwinter, and all through the Coven
The witches were cooking strange things in the oven.
There were acorn fritters and Dragon's Blood stew
And Mescaline eggnog and Mandrake fondue.
There were hot mountain oysters and road-kill pate'
And Spotted-Owl kidneys, and wombat flambé'.
The Circle was cast and the herbs had been smoked
In hopes that the Goddess would soon be invoked.
When out by the hot-tub arose such a clatter
I jumped on my broom to see what was the matter.
And what should I see in the Blackberry thorns
But a soaking wet Goddess and eight Unicorns!
"I was just sitting down with my vibrating phallus
and a good book", she said. "You bastards are callous.
I came when you called, over all my objections,
and got lost in the woods -- you give LOUSY directions.
You buggers invoked me, now look ay my dress
My periods late and I've got PMS."
She cursed and she muttered, she looked like a wreck
the Unicorns whimpered and shit on the deck.
We gave her some wine and we got her some grub
We brought her clean towels and she soaked in the tub.
Then she rose, hot and dripping, and gave us her blessing
And jumped in her chariot without even dressing!
"On Isis! On Eris! Oya and Astarte!
On Ishtar! Inanna! Kali! and Hecate!"
We heard her exclaim as she climbed through the air
"Thank F*** there's only eight Sabbats a year!"
)O( -
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Manic - Deck the Halls & Walls & House & Lawn & Streets & Stores & Office & Town & Cars & Busses & Trucks & trees & ....................
Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get me!
Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Tourette's Syndrome - Chestnuts...FUCK YOU! ...roasting on...BITE ME! an open fire...ASSHOLE!
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
Autistic - Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock
Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House In My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
)O( -
The Masters rules of the dungeon
I found this while having a bimble through the net, I thought it highly amusing and rather funny
When thou dost come unto me and beseech me, saying, "Verily, do I request of you a good paddling," then surely I will grant unto thee a good paddling. During the period of the paddling, thou shalt not say unto me "What was that, a mosquito?", nor compare thy paddling to the flight of any other insect, or any creeping thing upon the earth, be it a moth, or a caterpillar; nor draw any likeness between the instrument of thy paddling and the feathers of the birds above; for surely shalt thy paddling grow mighty and endless, and welts shall be upon thy backside for four and thirty days.
And in those days when thou art being flogged, thou shalt not giggle and wag thy ass in a taunting manner, nor squirm and attempt to escape when the flogging becomes greater for it, for then wilt thou be cast into bondage, so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle, nor shalt thou be able to squirm.
Thou shalt not speak with thy mouth full, though moaning is possible with a gag and is acceptable to my ears.
Neither shalt thou allow the passions of thy loins to reach the pinnacle of their fruition, save for those times when I commandeth thee; and in those times, thou shalt come with the force of a raging firestorm, with much screaming and wailing; for thy screams of ecstasy are pleasing to me.
Thou shalt wear no clothing that is displeasing in my sight, nor place within thy pants back issues of National Geographic magazine or the book of Yellow Pages, to protect thy backside from the force of my hand; for verily I will notice, and remove the magazine, and upon your backside shall I become medieval. So it is written.
Thou shalt not take thy master's name in vain, nor forget thy master's title when asked. Thou shalt say "sir" or "maestro" when asked thy master's title. Thou shalt not say "buttercups," nor "sugarpants," nor even "bunnykins," nor refer to any other cute and cuddly beast that doth roam the earth. Neither shalt thou say "Oh yeah? Make me!" For truly will I then make you, and the bruises shall be on your ass like a plague of locusts unto Egypt.
