PAGANW0LF

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Sunday, 5 April 2009 at 02:52

So the world is still going to hell in a hand basket, We are going to be under the greatest tax burden in History and yet all the papers are banging on about some girl on Eastenders who got knocked over by a car. Now I don't know about you, but having my testicles nailed to a railway sleeper with a rusty 9" nail is more appealing thatn having to endure these mind melting spirit killing farces.

So, Never afraid to put his life and sanity on the line for you, my good friends, yon Wolfie has been doing a bit of research into these programmes, and has noticed a trend between them all whether they are on ITV, BBC or the Jeremy Kyle Channel.

Now bear in mind, that these programmes are reputed, (by the pundits on GMTV) as ultra realistic and a snapshot into modern life, (so If that's the case, how come no-one in Coronation Street ever stays in and watches Eastenders and if they are an accurate slice of modern life, then in short, we're screwed aren't we?

So Just a few questions before I come up with my idea for a revolutionary (and far fetched) soap.

How come, in Eastenders, there are Mercedes, Jaguars, BMW's parked outside yet no bugger has a washing machine?
The amount of time that some one is asked to 'watch the stall' defies belief, can anyone remember who actually owns and runs what stall?
Is Albert Square a Prison, I mean, no bugger ever sods of to Asda for their shopping do they? that corner shop must be minting it and they sell everything!
Considering that there are an estimated 60m people in this country, isn't it coincidental how far flung family members always end up as partners?
Now, How many rooms does the Queen Vic actually have, I mean, according to the BBC, at one point, it was home to 14 people?
Now, I',m buying my fags from the corner shop in Coro, the prices haven't gone up in ages and although i don't like them, 20 Benson at £4.10 looks good to me.
Now, Considering that both the Rovers and the Queen Vic are the hubs of these places, why are they looking so run down.

fuelled by these questions, It took two minutes to find the biggest reality fuck up there is and it's in that bastion of British farming life, Emmerdale, and the Question is this.

for two weeks, the 'Kings' (whoever the fuck they are!) were threatening the Dingles (where I come from, an expression for someone from Wolverhampton) with evicting them from their Garage, Now.......allegedly, the Kings are bankrupt, so here is the question, what are they doing claiming rent, all assets would be in the name of the creditors.
And while we're on the subject of incredulous mind sapping belief, have you ever seen a farm where the kit is spotless, where the tractors are wax cleaned and polished? and no one ever gets up at 4:00 am do they?

So here is my idea for a soap, far fetched maybe, but a novel concept.

At Christmas, no-one dies, no affairs are aired, people wake up, get pissed, have a great day and fall asleep in the early evening
At weddings, No-one dies,, no affairs are aired, it's a great day, every body has a blast and great auntie gets pissed and falls asleep in the early evening.
When they go on holiday, no-one dies, no affairs are aired, everybody has a blast, they get drunk and fall asleep in the early evening
When a couple get together, they don't have kids who they surrendered many years ago in a small orphanage in outer Mongolia and have mysteriously ended up renting the room next door, and they have a great time, they go out, do normal things, no one dies, no affairs are aired and they get pissed and fall asleep in the early evening.
Every morning, there is the sound of the populace cringing when yet another fucking dozen pizza menu's pop through the letter box, (a sound missing from the two major soaps, evidently, pizza is new to the east end and Manchester)
People have a steady and reliable job, they leave the house in the morning, do a good days work, and come home, with no arguments, hence no-one dies, no affairs are aired and they fall asleep in the early evening.
When asked if they are going to the local, people might after washing up (a new concept) or doing the ironing (another novel concept) or even loading this thing called a 'washing machine' thus allowing the launderette to become a kebab house (see real world again), heavens, they may say no, as they're watching Coro FFS!
Not every girl under 16 gets pregnant and those that do get a fucking verbal arsekicking, nor do they surrender the kid to show up at the most inopportune moment 20 years down the line.

And best of all, it would mean an end to the reality of the four air heads sat outside my local discussing this mind melting pap lke it was real life!

now to erase all traces of these searches, i do have a reputation to uphold after all