One_Angry_Man

Trust male - 49 years, Grumpiun, East Angrier, United Kingdom

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Right....shoes off before coming in. I'm not cleaning up your muddy footprints, OK? I've hoovered once this year already, and I'm not about to do it again just because you've stomped in all the mud imaginable on the way here.

Now, the kitchen's through here, yes - thats the kettle. Don't just make yourself one. Mine's a coffee, white, no sugar. And use semi-skimmed - I'm trying to cut down. The biscuits are in the cupboard, top shelf. You may have two. And leave the chocolate Hobnobs - they are for special guests, not just any old tourist. Too many people popping by "for a chat" then scoffing all my good bics and leaving the cupboard bare.

You see the tin by the bread bin? Pick it up. It rattles, yes? That's the Hospitality Tin. You put in contributions towards future packs of biscuits, tea, coffee etc. Well you don't think I could support all of you on my meagre salary do you? And don't think about making off with the tin - it is alarmed and you'll be on cctv anyway.

The toilet is upstairs, first on the right. And if your aim is poor, clean up after yourself eh? I'm not your mother. And only use 2 sheets of Andrex. If you use the last of the toilet roll, replace it. If you need more, use the squares of the Metro. The ink doesn't come off, I can assure you. And put the seat down afterwards.

Now...messages. They must be clean, polite, amusing, and should adhere to the Netlog Code of Conduct. If you want to leave a dirty, impolite, serious or politically incorrect comment, then use a private message, OK?

I will mark each message for spelling, punctuation and grammar, because I will not tolerate sloppiness of any kind, especially regarding the written word. Do NOT use text-speak, none of this "I go out wiv me m8s" business.The Queens English only, if you don't mind. Just because standards are slipping elsewhere doesn't mean to say that I will put up with it. Oh, and remember that there is a limit to the number of emoticons you can use in any one message. Something ridiculous like 100 is the maximum, I think.

Right - what are you waiting for? Christmas? Hell to freeze over? Heston Blumethal to cook something edible? Stop dithering for crying out loud! Leave your message after the pips........................