Happyjoe69

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Tuesday, 18 September 2007 at 21:07

Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Pole: Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have real grudges?"
Pole: "No." "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Pole: "All my relations are in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Pole: "Yes, we have hi-! id elity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is, Yes."
Lawyer: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
Pole: No, I'm always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Pole: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Pole: She going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Pole: I got proof..
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Pole: She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man. but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
Your name pls.
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel!”

Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes u get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service "
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .... Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

Teacher:
What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

Woman complaining to dentist:
"It ' s so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

A kid asked the priest " Father, what is your pastime? "
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied "Nun, my child, nun "

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl. On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything

Why when….?
1. A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast for half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.
POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE!!

2. Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside. His finger went to tease wife's pussy. Wife asks "you want sex"?
Husband answer "No", just want to wet my finger to turn the page.

1. Rooster and Cat going over bridge. Cat slips & falls into river. Rooster can't stop laughing.
Moral of story? Whenever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.

4. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible? THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

5. Girls' reaction to penis sizes:
9" : Oh shit, pain !
7" : Oh yes, shiok !
6" : Ohhh, perfect !
5" : Ohmm, Ok !
4" : Push more !
3" : Is it in?
2" : Idiot ! just use your tongue !

6. Thank you for calling 1900- NEEDSEX hotline.
For hot sex press 1.
For breast sex press 2.
For combo sex press 3.
For oral sex press 4.
To end this call press your Balls !!

7. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
"YES".. OK, BYE". She turns to her lover and says, “THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.?

8. 3 Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

9. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
Answer : INTER COURSE.
Reason: No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!

10. FACT : Women can get a 2 inch wide penis into a 1.5 inch vagina in pitch darkness, but can't get a fucking 15 feet car into a 40ft parking space in broad daylight !!

11. Teacher asked : Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A kid name Johnny reply “... the LEGS.. because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING....

12. COCK says to his two BALLS : I am going to take you with me to party. BALLS said : You fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE !!!

13. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

14. Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird !!!

15. What does it mean when a girl offers PEPSI to a guy :
P : Please
E : Enter
P : Penis
S : Slowly
I : Inside

16. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams.. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

17. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

18. A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
Open her heart receives love.
But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.

19. Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.

20. Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess....
Still dunno?
Ok lah....
Answer : Because they left their full stop on their forehead.

Tags: funny happening life things