Happyjoe69
male - 61 years, Singapore, Singapore
Blog 10
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Funny things happening in LiFe
Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Pole: Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have real grudges?"
Pole: "No." "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Pole: "All my relations are in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Pole: "Yes, we have hi-! id elity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is, Yes."
Lawyer: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
Pole: No, I'm always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Pole: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Pole: She going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Pole: I got proof..
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Pole: She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".
Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man. but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man
An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
Your name pls.
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel!”
Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes u get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service "
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .... Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
Teacher:
What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
Woman complaining to dentist:
"It ' s so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
A kid asked the priest " Father, what is your pastime? "
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied "Nun, my child, nun "
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl. On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything
Why when….?
1. A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast for half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.
POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE!!
2. Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside. His finger went to tease wife's pussy. Wife asks "you want sex"?
Husband answer "No", just want to wet my finger to turn the page.
1. Rooster and Cat going over bridge. Cat slips & falls into river. Rooster can't stop laughing.
Moral of story? Whenever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.
4. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible? THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
5. Girls' reaction to penis sizes:
9" : Oh shit, pain !
7" : Oh yes, shiok !
6" : Ohhh, perfect !
5" : Ohmm, Ok !
4" : Push more !
3" : Is it in?
2" : Idiot ! just use your tongue !
6. Thank you for calling 1900- NEEDSEX hotline.
For hot sex press 1.
For breast sex press 2.
For combo sex press 3.
For oral sex press 4.
To end this call press your Balls !!
7. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
"YES".. OK, BYE". She turns to her lover and says, “THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.?
8. 3 Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
9. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
Answer : INTER COURSE.
Reason: No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!
10. FACT : Women can get a 2 inch wide penis into a 1.5 inch vagina in pitch darkness, but can't get a fucking 15 feet car into a 40ft parking space in broad daylight !!
11. Teacher asked : Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A kid name Johnny reply “... the LEGS.. because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING....
12. COCK says to his two BALLS : I am going to take you with me to party. BALLS said : You fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE !!!
13. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.
14. Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird !!!
15. What does it mean when a girl offers PEPSI to a guy :
P : Please
E : Enter
P : Penis
S : Slowly
I : Inside
16. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams.. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
17. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
18. A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
Open her heart receives love.
But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.
19. Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
20. Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess....
Still dunno?
Ok lah....
Answer : Because they left their full stop on their forehead.
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Chicken sandwich
Chicken sandwich
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little! girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's! Too late for you, you’ve already got the neck and the gizzards".
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
(George Carlin)
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country,
but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away. -
NO COMMENTS!
Subject: NO COMMENTS
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
=======================================
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, "put getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked, "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said ' Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"
Subject: God made a woman
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole thing.
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon?
BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there?
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?”
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don' t need it".
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher".
Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colours do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram:
Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in his hand."
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What is love?
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful,
but she is beautiful because you love her."
"If you love somebody, let them go.
If they return, they were always yours.
If they don't, they never were."
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get,
it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."
"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
The best proof of love is trust.
"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows;
Love can erase an awful past,
Love can be yours, you'll see at last;
To feel that love, it makes you sigh,
To have it leave, you'd rather die;
You hope you've found that special rose,
'Cause you love and care for the one you chose."
Never underestimate the power of LOVE !
LOVE !
-
LOVE, LUST, MARRIAGE
LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.
LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?
LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.
LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.
LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.
LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.
LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score. -
DEFINATIONS IN LIFE’S AFFAIR
MARRIAGE
A typical macho man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at whatever time I want - and I don’t expect any hassle from you I expect a great dinner to be on the table every night at 6:00 unless I tell you differently. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. But please understand that I'll be having sex every night at nine o'clock - whether you're home or not."
Headstones
A Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - As Cold As ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of Himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts back..."Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.
The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.
Again irritated, the doctor says, "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what"?
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.
Lights Off
There was this couple that were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on turning off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She goes completely crazy. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you have lied to me all of these years. I think you had better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eye and says; calmly........."I'll explain the dildo after you explain the three kids."
Joint Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"She is my mistress.,” says the husband.
"That's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is much prettier," she replies. -
The Perks of Being Over 50
CHAPTER 1: The Perks of Being Over 50
Marshall, Just to let you know I am thinking of you. Hal
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
================================
CHAPTER 2: Games for When We Are Older
================================
1. Sag -- you're it.
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
=========================
CHAPTER 3: Signs of Menopause
=========================
1. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you
to
heat the
family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you
four hours of decent rest.
4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field
trip to Chippendale's.
====================
CHAPTER 4: Signs of Wear
====================
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN . Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any
fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
And "OLD" IS WHEN You are not sure these are jokes.
-
Some new drugs for women
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours! -
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING !
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING !
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. How?
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. Hmmm ... must check my deck of cards!
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow. Did YOU ? hahahahaha
Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
They will get a kick out of it !! -
Facts of Life!
GREAT TRUTHS
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, But it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At Age 4 success is . .. . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is ...... having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is .....not peeing in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.
