Blog messages with the tag 'funny':
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
It was the first day of school and a new 4th grade student named Pedro. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the students, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new, knows more about history than you do!"
A student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
The other day I was wondering, "why does a frisbee get larger the closer it gets to you?"
and then it hit me.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery
I went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shi Tzu
A mouse finds a viarga and eats it. An hour later he's running around the kitchen going "Where's the fucking pussy?"
There where two muffins in an oven, the first one leans over to the second and says "shit its hot in here!"
The second one looked shocked and screamed "holy crap a talking muffin!!"
Written on a wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere.." Written just below it: "I do not."
So this guy goes to a costume party wearing only a pair of pants. He rings the doorbell and the host answers the door. The host says, "well, what the hell are you supposed to be?" The guy says, "I'm a premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants."
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says I want 69. His wife says
"Why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions?
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. I'd strongly suggest you put on a pair of new Dockers Heat-Resistant Comet Pants first though, unless you're into third-degree burns.
When technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose.
Sometimes I just stare into the sun, marveling at its powers and gentle grace that warms the Earth and allows for life itself. Then I stop and think "Good God, I've blinded myself again!"
If you ever decide to build yourself a house made of butter, you should try to live next to a house made of toast. That would make for a hilarious news story.
You should never cry over spilt milk. Unless, of course, you are stranded on a deserted island and a magical genie shows up and offers you a lifetime of pleasure, fame, and fortune in exchange for your last glass of milk and you leap with glee and nearly spill your milk, then after you sigh in relief that it hasn't spilled, you step on a clam shell and drop the glass, causing the genie to disappear and leaving you to live out your days on a diet of coconuts and dead seagulls.
If I ever decide to get into body piercing I think I'll ask them to use one of those big hole punchers. That way I could hang 3-ring binders from my chest and carry around recipes and things.
Whenever I see someone who is really obese, I usually picture them in the shower. Not because I find them attractive though. I'm just curious how in the world they wash their back.
Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.
I'm glad that wristwatches have withstood the test of time, because not only would I not enjoy wearing a neckwatch, but it would be nearly impossible to see the time.
A cheetah might be fast and an elephant might be strong, but neither of them have any pockets. We can all thank the modern clothing industry for that key advantage.
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder, but at the same time "Love is blind." Damn that's confusing...ah well
Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying "Hello."
Some people think the worst part of Razor Blade Pizza is the razor blades. They're wrong though - it's the horribly salty sauce recipe that irritates all of your internal lacerations.
Every rose has its thorn, except for those new genetically altered ones that have teeth and a taste for human flesh. I'd rather deal with the thorns, personally.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust.
You know what doesn't scare me? The threat of super-intelligent plants. They take so long to grow that we'd totally see through their plans in advance.
You know what would make pictures better? If they had the ability to walk and talk, as well as do all types of household chores. Then again, I could be confusing them with my idea for a two-dimensional midget handyman.
Whenever I go walking in the forest I like to stop now and then and build a small pile of rocks. You can never be too prepared for a rock throwing contest.
Why do Tic Tacs have to announce that extra half calorie? Do you know anyone that has become hideously obese from eating breath mints?
If the early bird gets the worm, then what incentive do worms have to wake up early? Death?
I was seriously injured in a Chinese cooking accident the other day. The doctors told me that I might never be able to wok again.
I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because everyone just thinks it is one of those lame mime routines.
Yesterday I accidentally drank some "baby formula." I hope I don't get pregnant.
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let em have it.
I'm going to make a movie where the bullets actually HIT the hero in the first gunfight.
Do you ever take a few seconds and think about technology? Take a telephone for instance. Every call we make travels across an unbroken wire at amazing speeds that almo... Okay, I'm done thinking. Back to TV
I love the internet. Where else could a word as short as "ok" be shortened to "k" just to save a millisecond of time?
Instead of watering their crops, do popcorn farmers go out and butter the plants every morning?
If movement causes friction and friction causes heat and heat is an energy, well how long would a dog fucking a bucket of water take for it reach boiling point?
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Maude: "Where did you get it?"
Mabel: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
A successful trader parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out a lorry came along too close to the kerb and completely tore off the driver's side. The trader immediately grabbed his mobile and dialled 999. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the trader started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again. After the trader finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you traders are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions you don't notice anything else" "How can you say that?" asked the trader.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been torn off from when the truck hit you" The trader looked down in absolute horror.
"Fucking Hell!" he screamed… "Where's my rolex?"
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and..... The bartender says, "What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says, What will you have?" "I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer-but I'm not paying" says the cat. "That will be £21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the
bartender, says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender.
"You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?" The man sighs and says,
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"