Tammy Harrison's blog

Pain

CosmicFire72 — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 00:34:54 UT

Pain, my long time compainion has once again found his way to my side. I thought that maybe he was gone but alas, he always seems to find his way back.

Why is it that the one emotion that's supposed to give you joy, peace, and fulfillment is the one that can turn your life completely upside down and cause untold misery? It can raise you to the highest peaks of Heaven or it can send you to the most deplorable pits of hell. Love is the greatest and the worst of all things on earth.

Love....
Love is pain
Love is misery
Love is intolerable
Love is cruel
Love lies
Love cheats
Love is suffering
Love is torture
Love is...never ending

Understanding Men

CosmicFire72 — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:27:08 UT

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Personal Ad Translations

CosmicFire72 — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 20:10:44 UT

Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48

Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive

Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable

Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested

Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly

Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar

Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!

Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise

Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin

Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout

Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated

Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob

Code Word: Enjoys Nature
Really Means: Bring your own granola

Code Word: Exotic Beauty
Really Means: Would frighten a Martian

Code Word: Feminist
Really Means: Fat; ball buster

Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: One paycheck from the street

Code Word: Free spirit
Really Means: Substance user

Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Annoying

Code Word: Gentle
Really Means: Comatose

Code Word: Good Listener
Really Means: Borderline Autistic

Code Word: Humorous
Really Means: Caustic

Code Word: Intuitive
Really Means: Your opinion doesn't count

Code Word: In Transition
Really Means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Lush

Code Word: Looks younger
Really Means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Code Word: Loves Travel
Really Means: If you're paying

Code Word: Loves Animals
Really Means: Cat lady

Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did

Code Word: New-Age
Really Means: All body hair, all the time

Code Word: Non-tradional
Really Means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Code Word: Old-fashioned
Really Means: Lights out, missionary position only

Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Desperate

Code Word: Outgoing
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Passionate
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Petite
Really Means: Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins

Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Depressive Schzophrenic

Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Bitch

Code Word: Redhead
Really Means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Frumpy

Code Word: Reubenesque
Really Means: Grossly Fat

Code Word: Romantic
Really Means: Looks better by candle light

Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Jobless

Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Insipid

Code Word: Special
Really Means: Road the short schoolbus

Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Involved with a cult

Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Boring

Code Word: Tall, thin
Really Means: Anorexic

Code Word: Tan
Really Means: Wrinkled

Code Word: Voluptuous
Really Means: Very Fat

Code Word: Weight proportional to height
Really Means: Hugely Fat

Code Word: Wants Soulmate
Really Means: One step away from stalking

Code Word: Widow
Really Means: Nagged first husband to death

Code Word: Writer
Really Means: Pompous

Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Old Toothless Fogie

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

CosmicFire72 — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 02:26:57 UT

1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.Meow occasionally.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
35.Shadow box.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

Where?

CosmicFire72 — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 05:50:18 UT

What the hell is going on with you
You are not the person I once knew
You were once loving and kind
With such a sensitive heart and mind
Not afraid to show your love
Showering affection undreamed of
Now such a stranger to me
I don't know who it is standing before me
What is it that's gone wrong inside
Where does that man I knew now reside
This man who lives here today
I watch with such dismay
He tries to drown what's real
To numb himself and not feel
Oblivious to those who are near
Not seeing the times they shed a tear
Where is the man I once knew
Where has he run off to
Please bring him back to me
So once again we can be free

Quickies

CosmicFire72 — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 02:19:55 UT

Quickie #1:

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2

A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. she slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The huband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie #3

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he ad to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #6

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Sad pickup lines. Some are just sick.

CosmicFire72 — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 17:05:58 UT

Did you fart? Cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrahea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulips together.

You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles.

I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks.

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel.

You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

You ain't the HOTTEST girl here tonight, but beauty is only a light-switch away!

So ya wanta put your pickle in my juicy jar?

Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be?

Lets play house, you be the screendoor and i'll bang you all night long.

Sure its a needle but it moves like a sewing machine.

Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you!

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Wow! Are those real?

There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.

Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.

I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.

You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong.

I'm like novicane, Give me time I always work.

Nice legs what time do they open.

You're like a prize mouth bass... I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Wanna come up for some sex and pizza?
... Whats the matter, you dont like pizza?

Hey baby, you must be a sweater 'cos you got me feeling warm all over.

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Can you read this?

CosmicFire72 — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 00:07:08 UT

I know most of you have seen this before but I still think it's cool.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too..

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Silly Bumper Stickers

CosmicFire72 — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 20:53:33 UT

I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. (too true!)
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

What is Love?

CosmicFire72 — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 20:54:23 UT

What is love
Is it resurrecting all your past fears
Is it crying til there are no more tears
Is it pain that lives deep in your heart
Is it feeling as if your soul has been ripped apart
Is it wanting and needing more than you're given
Is it making a mistake and never being forgiven
What is love
It's supposed to be a beautiful, sacred thing
It's supposed to give you all the joy life can bring
You're supposed to feel safe in your lover's embrace
In their arms, all worries erased
Expecting to be happy your whole life through
Perhaps that's what it means to a lucky few
As for me, cursed for all my days to wonder
Always with the question on my mind, I ponder
What is love

I'm Sorry

CosmicFire72 — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 05:39:11 UT

I give up, don't know what to do
No matter how I try
I just can't please you
What if I took the stars from the sky
What if I gave them all to you
Would that be to your delight
Would that get a thank you
What if I moved mountains out of the way
So your path were straight
I can't do these things I'm sorry to say
Though my love is great
All I can do is give you myself
And promise to be true
I don't have anything else
Here's hoping all I am is good enough for you

Not my best but anyway...

Whatever

CosmicFire72 — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 13:19:24 UT

Did you ever feel like you needed to tell someone something but know if you do it'll all get turned back around on you and it's just not worth it?
It's not worth getting the cold shoulder, getting yelled at or fighting because then you feel worse than you did in the first place.
That certain person has a knack for being able to make you feel like dirt and as if you did something wrong when you know you didn't.
So you sit there, keeping your feelings to yourself and not saying a word.
You sit there not saying anything and letting it go on because letting it go on is easier than saying what you need to and being made to feel worse than you already do. That's what always happens and you know this.
Guess it's better to be quiet and become depressed than be made to feel like a total loser...

Desperation

CosmicFire72 — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 19:52:29 UT

Desperation

Lost in crippling desperation
Searching for some kind of inspiration
Something to make life worth living
To make the pain a little less unforgiving
Looking to fulfill that deepest want, the ultimate desire
Praying for relief from this scorching fire
Searching is just rubbing salt into a cut
Needing something, not knowing what
Only wanting a little peace
Just a small bit of release
Needing to heal the wounds in my soul
For once feel like I'm whole
Been brought to the brink
Farther and farther I sink
A lost child in a cruel existence
Losing the will for resistance
I give up, can't fight any longer
To weak to try to be stronger
The world wins, I lose
It is death I choose

I Belong to Him

CosmicFire72 — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 07:42:40 UT

His eyes lock with mine
Chills run down my spine
Heat courses through my veins
With a lust barely contained
His lips pressed against mine
Unleashes a hunger divine
Lovingly raising my hands above my head
Binding them with a silken thread
Hands carressing my breast
Desire too deep to express
Longing for his every touch
The suspense is just too much
Fingers trail hip to thigh and back again
Bringing a fire I can barely contain
Rising up to meet his tender caresses
Knowing all of me he possesses
Knowing it and wanting more
Slowly, torturously he explores
Wishing an end to this sweet torment
After what seems and eternity he consents
Entering slowly, sweetly
Taking me completely
Passions climb and soar
More intense than ever before
Mania reaching it's peak
Pleasure too intense to speak
Passions fading away
In his arms I lay
Knowing to him I belong
Something so right, can't be wrong

Stupid Product Instructions

CosmicFire72 — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:41:30 UT

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time
(Whose body

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

What starts with "F" and ends with "K&quo

CosmicFire72 — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 19:03:38 UT

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
He was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
Agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
Should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
Delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
Answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
Down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Finally

CosmicFire72 — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 14:35:28 UT

I swallow the concoction as I look at your silhouette
Feeling the gradual decay of my limits
Innocence flying away into the indigo night
Looking into your deep moonlit eyes
I hear the imaginary voices calling
They call me to a place of darkness and wonder
A place I dare not explore
For if I wander in too deeply I'll be lost
Lost to the world of light and men
To all I've ever known
Yet the voices bewitch my troubled mind
Calling to me on a higher plane
"Let yourself go.", you softly whisper
"There is no pain in darkness.", you cajole
"come, live among the shadows with me."
"Let yourself go, set yourself free."
The potion works itself on my soul
My resistance weakens and dissolves
Slowly into the shadows I drift
They wrap themselves around me
Such serenity found within
Finally, pain and worry are left behind
For once and evermore I am free
In darkness forever I live