CosmicFire72
Trust female - 37 years, McPherson, United States
Blog 17
Never know what you'll find here, writings, rants, raves, jokes...whatever's on my mind at the time.
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Pain
Pain, my long time compainion has once again found his way to my side. I thought that maybe he was gone but alas, he always seems to find his way back.
Why is it that the one emotion that's supposed to give you joy, peace, and fulfillment is the one that can turn your life completely upside down and cause untold misery? It can raise you to the highest peaks of Heaven or it can send you to the most deplorable pits of hell. Love is the greatest and the worst of all things on earth.
Love....
Love is pain
Love is misery
Love is intolerable
Love is cruel
Love lies
Love cheats
Love is suffering
Love is torture
Love is...never ending -
Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again." -
Personal Ad Translations
Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48
Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive
Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable
Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested
Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly
Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar
Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!
Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin
Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout
Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated
Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob
Code Word: Enjoys Nature
Really Means: Bring your own granola
Code Word: Exotic Beauty
Really Means: Would frighten a Martian
Code Word: Feminist
Really Means: Fat; ball buster
Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: One paycheck from the street
Code Word: Free spirit
Really Means: Substance user
Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Annoying
Code Word: Gentle
Really Means: Comatose
Code Word: Good Listener
Really Means: Borderline Autistic
Code Word: Humorous
Really Means: Caustic
Code Word: Intuitive
Really Means: Your opinion doesn't count
Code Word: In Transition
Really Means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Lush
Code Word: Looks younger
Really Means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Code Word: Loves Travel
Really Means: If you're paying
Code Word: Loves Animals
Really Means: Cat lady
Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
Code Word: New-Age
Really Means: All body hair, all the time
Code Word: Non-tradional
Really Means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Code Word: Old-fashioned
Really Means: Lights out, missionary position only
Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Desperate
Code Word: Outgoing
Really Means: Loud
Code Word: Passionate
Really Means: Loud
Code Word: Petite
Really Means: Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Depressive Schzophrenic
Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Bitch
Code Word: Redhead
Really Means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Frumpy
Code Word: Reubenesque
Really Means: Grossly Fat
Code Word: Romantic
Really Means: Looks better by candle light
Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Jobless
Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Insipid
Code Word: Special
Really Means: Road the short schoolbus
Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Involved with a cult
Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Boring
Code Word: Tall, thin
Really Means: Anorexic
Code Word: Tan
Really Means: Wrinkled
Code Word: Voluptuous
Really Means: Very Fat
Code Word: Weight proportional to height
Really Means: Hugely Fat
Code Word: Wants Soulmate
Really Means: One step away from stalking
Code Word: Widow
Really Means: Nagged first husband to death
Code Word: Writer
Really Means: Pompous
Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Old Toothless Fogie -
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.Meow occasionally.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
35.Shadow box.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!" -
Where?
What the hell is going on with you
You are not the person I once knew
You were once loving and kind
With such a sensitive heart and mind
Not afraid to show your love
Showering affection undreamed of
Now such a stranger to me
I don't know who it is standing before me
What is it that's gone wrong inside
Where does that man I knew now reside
This man who lives here today
I watch with such dismay
He tries to drown what's real
To numb himself and not feel
Oblivious to those who are near
Not seeing the times they shed a tear
Where is the man I once knew
Where has he run off to
Please bring him back to me
So once again we can be free -
Quickies
Quickie #1:
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. she slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The huband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he ad to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." -
Sad pickup lines. Some are just sick.
Did you fart? Cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
My Love for you is like diarrahea ... I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulips together.
You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles.
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream.
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks.
I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me?
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
Be unique and different, say yes.
Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
You ain't the HOTTEST girl here tonight, but beauty is only a light-switch away!
So ya wanta put your pickle in my juicy jar?
Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be?
Lets play house, you be the screendoor and i'll bang you all night long.
Sure its a needle but it moves like a sewing machine.
Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you!
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Wow! Are those real?
There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.
I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.
You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong.
I'm like novicane, Give me time I always work.
Nice legs what time do they open.
You're like a prize mouth bass... I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Wanna come up for some sex and pizza?
... Whats the matter, you dont like pizza?
Hey baby, you must be a sweater 'cos you got me feeling warm all over.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? -
Can you read this?
I know most of you have seen this before but I still think it's cool.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too..
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! -
Silly Bumper Stickers
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. (too true!)
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? -
What is Love?
What is love
Is it resurrecting all your past fears
Is it crying til there are no more tears
Is it pain that lives deep in your heart
Is it feeling as if your soul has been ripped apart
Is it wanting and needing more than you're given
Is it making a mistake and never being forgiven
What is love
It's supposed to be a beautiful, sacred thing
It's supposed to give you all the joy life can bring
You're supposed to feel safe in your lover's embrace
In their arms, all worries erased
Expecting to be happy your whole life through
Perhaps that's what it means to a lucky few
As for me, cursed for all my days to wonder
Always with the question on my mind, I ponder
What is love
